Instant Relationship, Just add ex

[been7077]

My ex-girlfriend, whom I had a long relationship with, has left her "fling" that lasted almost 2 years and wants to instantly jump back into a relationship and work to put things back together and go on to marriage.

 

I was devistated after she announced that she was seeing someone else, on

New Year's Day, and in the 1.5 years I have struggled to rebuild my life and confidence. I found that I had disappeared into the relationship with her, and

as a consequence had neglected friends and had little of a social life. I had to rebuild all of this and strive to make new friends and rebuild everything. Though I'm not dating anyone else I find that I am defensive about what I have rebuilt and somewhat angry that she thinks she can come back and start as if nothing has happened.

 

I just don't think things can be repaired instantly, if at all, and I don't want to feel pressured to make things happen.

 

I really don't know how she can jump from one to the other, as obviously feelings were involved to keep them together for almost two years.

 

Is is normal need a kind of decompression time? Thanks.

[GB111]

She's just looking for someone to replace the ex, and guess what, you're an easy target in her eyes. Not that she may not genuinely still care about you, but there is NO WAY she can honestly jump out of one relationship and in to another. If she can, she's not human. Even if she was the dumper, she still clearly had some emotion for this guy that simply cannot just be erased.

 

You should darn well right be defensive of what you've rebuilt. That is no easy task. If you want, and you're strong enought to do it at this point, I'd tell her you'd love to be her friend and see if anything develops. After that, take it SLOW. I mean, months slow, before you get romantically involved again. You know she has it in her to dump you, so know that that's a possibility, and knowing that's a possibility, can you ever really love her completely? I certainly don't know the answer, but I'm increasingly becoming a believer that once you're dumped or dump, you ought to steer clear. The only exception to that advice would be individuals under the age of 21 or 22 who simply haven't experienced enough of life and may just fall in love with their high school or college sweetheart again once they've been "seasoned" by what the real world is like.

 

Think of all the work you've done as a lottery win. Would you go to Vegas and dump the whole thing on the roulette wheel, or would you place small bets and hope you come out on top with each one, knowing you can walk away at any time still holding a fair amout of $$$ (in this analogy, your dignity)? Take it slow. Hope you make whatever the right decision is.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

GB

[been7077]

Hey GB111,

 

Thanks for the response. At once she is saying that she understands my situation and the feelings and thoughts I have expressed, and in the next moment she wants to spend increasing time with me. She only dumped the last guy a week ago. Between my first post and your reply we had talked and I invited her to spend time on Friday and then she called back and wanted to know about Saturday too. Then Sunday. I don't have any particular plans for any of the days, but I did tell her exactly my thoughts, and asked her what she would think if I did have plans. She said it would be okay. I think it would be okay THIS time, but if it kept happening it would not be okay. In other words, all on her schedule and timing. Another consideration is that she does not have any close friends with whom she can spend time.

 

Your thoughts are sound and re-enforce what I was thinking. I had said to her that I would EXPLORE trying to work things out, but that it would have to be slow. I appreciate the ability to make this posting, because sometime you just need the input of anonymous and uninvolved parties.

[tikigods]

Sounds like she knows she can count on you to be teh rebound of her two year relationship. She wants to spend time with you cause she doesn't want to be alone , and its easier to pretend she is with someone else then deal with her ex relationship.

 

I wouldn't let her near you until its been at least a month, cause right now you are going to set yourself up for her to cling to you like a monkey till of course she grows bored and gets over her ex and then chances are you are going to be left cleaning up the tornado she will surly cause