I hate this!

[DazedandConfused33]

I found out a little over a month ago that my husband cheated on me about 3 months prior to our wedding which was summer of last year. He had been lying to me for over a year and potentially risked my health which is how I found out. Since then my heart is growing colder and colder. I feel like my equilibrium is gone and nothing is real and I can't stand up straight. I begged my husband when we were dating that if he ever felt the need to cheat to leave me or let me know and I would bow out or to at least be safe as I was fearful of getting sick. All of my requests were ignored which makes me feel like he didn't care about me at all and that our relationship was a lie.

 

Many people that are older tell me that it was probably a one time thing, a mistake and that I should try to look past it. Especially since it was before we got married. I think one day I will be able to forgive him but right now I feel as if I'm falling out of love with him. I feel detached towards him not wanting to be near him finding reasons not to come home. I've told him I need my space but I think he's afraid to give it to me.

 

This whole experience has forced me to take a long hard look at our relationship which I'm starting to wonder if it should have gone on for as long as it did. Can someone really make a mistake like that once and never do it again? Will I be a cold bitch if I don't want to try and work things out? The biggest change that I've noticed is that I don't respect him as much. He's not the same to me as he was before. I put him on a pedastool. I was so proud to finally become his wife. We were thinking about starting a family. I wouldn't even begin to know how to get back to that and then I don't even know if I want to anymore.

 

I've heard many people say that it is easy for someone to walk away from someone once they have cheated like that is taking the easy way out but honestly I think it would be the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. I've been with my husband for the last 6 years of my life which is most of my 20's. He's been a part of my life for so long and is in practically all of my recent memories. The prospect of having to start over is terrifying. What if I never find someone else who will love me? What if the person gets to know me and then after hearing all my deep dark secrets decides he doesn't like me? How does anyone know how to figure this stuff out?

[Javelin]

Let me be the first to say, I'm sorry. Your situation is probably one of the biggest fears in the marriage life.

 

Before I can go into any advice let me ask one question! Do you and your husband have children together?

[DazedandConfused33]

Thankfully we don't have any children. One of the reasons I went to the doctor was because we were talking about starting a family and that is how I found out he cheated on me.

[a4a]

Thankfully we don't have any children. One of the reasons I went to the doctor was because we were talking about starting a family and that is how I found out he cheated on me.

 

I am so stomped on this one because it is such a mess.

 

So he gave you a std correct? (no need to be shy here with us )

 

If it were me, I am only talking me because I know me and how little I am willing to bend on cheating issues..... I don't think I could stay in the relationship. The loss of respect for him and the total disrespect from him would be enough to cause me to leave the relationship. Regardless if it involved sex or not....... once that respect line is crossed with me I cannot go back........ but that is me.

 

I do feel for you. Sorry this happened to you. But you have no reason in the world to feel embarassed!! Nor do you need others to run guilt trips on you for you doing what you think is right for you. Take some time and think it over. Time can heal some things for some people.

[DazedandConfused33]

Yes he gave me an STD and I was completely devastated because this is something I have had a previous issue with and he knew about it which is why I begged him in the first place to just be safe, let me know and I'd back away. Don't put me in danger! It's weird but it feels like a part of me has died with this whole situation. I love him and believe I always will but I have lost respect for him because of this and I agree that once the respect is gone the relationship is just pretty much over. It's difficult because there is a part of me who feels like this is my fault. I was so young when we first got together and I had a lot of issues I wasn't even aware of like low self-esteem, practically no self-worth, depression etc... He didn't know how to handle it and he did the best he could but in the end he developed resentment towards me for never having had his emotional and physical needs meant. I thought we worked past this and I would ask him if he still had resentment towards me and he said no but I guess it wasn't true. I love him and I think I always will but I don't know if I can be with him anymore and that makes me really sad as we haven't even been married for a year.

[a4a]

DC 33 your self esteem issues are still showing through.

 

You cannot be responsible for his decision to drop his pants and bring you home a std. Stop, right now, stating that it is your fault you got an std and he cheated! I don't care if you went to Europe for a year and did not meet his emotional or physcial need for a year..... You are not responsible for his actions.

 

I have to say for you to tell him NOT To Do It in the first place does give me an idea that he must have been giving you signs that he was "tending" to cheat? You picked up that he was straying?

 

What does he say about the ordeal?

[Javelin]

Leave him, please. As easy as that is to say, you need to go.

[DazedandConfused33]

Its not that I suspected or expected him to cheat. I actually never thought he would do that but the constant fear of it happening contradicted me saying I thought he would never do something like that. I just wonder are my expectations to high? I've heard time and time again that everybody cheats who I am to expect any different right? I feel like it is a losing battle if I'm going to expect that the person I want to spend the rest of my life with won't betray me as I wouldn't do to them.

 

I must say thank you for taking the time to read my post and responding. The support I feel from that is indescribable.

[catgirl1927]

It sounds to me like you know what you want to do, you just don't want to make such a big decision hastily. Which is very reasonable.

 

If you have lost all respect for him, you're just prolonging the inevitable.

 

There are people who decide to stay after cheating, yes. It's tough, and sometimes they are able to work it out. But no one who has been cheated on will disagree when I say the last thing that someone who has been betrayed like this needs is a bunch of guilt from outside people. You do what's right for you, and the people who really care about your happiness will support you.

 

Not only did this guy cheat on you, he made you sick. "Accident"? Nah. I'm not saying he went out with that intention, but basically, he didn't use a condom cause he just doesn't give a s***. And if that's who he really is, do you want to stay?

[DazedandConfused33]

Let me ask if this matters...according to him he didn't have actual intercourse just oral sex and when I found out from the doctor I had a disease I was in such disbelief that he allowed me to come in for a re-test. Of course the re-test came out negative which leads me to believe that I was supposed to know for one reason or another. Should I take that into consideration? That it wasn't actually sex and that ultimately I am healthy to my knowledge.

 

You are absolutely right though, I don't want to make a hasty decision on something so important. I've spent six years of my life with this person who for as far as I know has been practically perfect and the utmost understanding of my issues up until this point. Can someone make a mistake like that once and really understand what they've done and be truly sorry and not repeat the behavior again?

[catgirl1927]

Girl, unless you are the president , sex is sex. Oh, oral doesn't count? Ask him if you run out and give his best friend a blow job, will that count. MAN. Some people are such LIARS!!! Grrr. I'm sorry he hurt you. I wish I could take you out for cheesecake or margaritas.

[DazedandConfused33]

You're awesome I love your candidness! Would you do me a favor and look at my other post on can infatuation turn to love? I would love to get your opinion.

 

Thanks!

DC33

[tikigods]

I don't know Oral to me is even worse then sex. If it was me I couldn't forgive and forget and would already be at a lawyer. Even if you are healthy right now, the fact of the matter is that it was unprotected and you do have a chance that he gave you an STD. Its more then just cheating at this point since he is putting your health on the line.

 

Also this was right boefore your wedding, a time that is suppose to be bringing a couple closer together and yet he runs off with another woman? You have no respect for him, and who knows what else he is lying about, you only found this out cause of the doctor. There may be others that just haven't been ar reason to tell you. If he is truly sorry for what he did he wouldn't have tried to hide it from you.

 

6 years or not you need to figure out if you want to be with someone that engages in this type of action. Just cause you are comfortable doesn't mean you should stay

[catgirl1927]

Let me ask if this matters...according to him he didn't have actual intercourse just oral sex and when I found out from the doctor I had a disease I was in such disbelief that he allowed me to come in for a re-test. Of course the re-test came out negative which leads me to believe that I was supposed to know for one reason or another. Should I take that into consideration? That it wasn't actually sex and that ultimately I am healthy to my knowledge.

 

You are absolutely right though, I don't want to make a hasty decision on something so important. I've spent six years of my life with this person who for as far as I know has been practically perfect and the utmost understanding of my issues up until this point. Can someone make a mistake like that once and really understand what they've done and be truly sorry and not repeat the behavior again?

 

I'm sorry, I got all indignant and missed your question.

 

In all truth, I would never be able to trust someone again. I have really strong feelings about this and am therefore probably not the best person to ask. If this happened to me, oh MAN I would already have gone. No tears, no drama, no discussion. Just get your s*** and GO.

 

You know him. Do you think he'd do it again?

 

But more importantly, do you think you will ever respect him again? You said that a lot in your post, that you'd lost respect for him. You'll be miserable with someone you can't respect.

 

Therapy is FABULOUS for this sort of thing. My advice, leave him at home at first. Get your feelings about whether or not you want to fix this straight FIRST.

[a4a]

Its not that I suspected or expected him to cheat. I actually never thought he would do that but the constant fear of it happening contradicted me saying I thought he would never do something like that. I just wonder are my expectations to high? I've heard time and time again that everybody cheats who I am to expect any different right? I feel like it is a losing battle if I'm going to expect that the person I want to spend the rest of my life with won't betray me as I wouldn't do to them.

 

I must say thank you for taking the time to read my post and responding. The support I feel from that is indescribable.

 

 

Lots of people kill other people but that does not mean I should too.....quit lowering your expectations!!

[EnigmaXOXO]

I've heard many people say that it is easy for someone to walk away from someone once they have cheated like that is taking the easy way out but honestly I think it would be the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.

 

No such thing as an easy way out. If it were so easy … than your relationship (or that person) didn't mean a whole helluva lot to you, anyway. Or … you've finally reached the point where the prospect of a painful exit seems preferable to the misery you would continue to suffer by staying.

 

For me, (although for different reasons) I knew it was time finally to throw in the towel when I reached the point where I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than one more minute in the situation I was in. And by the time I reached that point, there was no second-guessing. I meant it. As scary and lonesome as being on your own can feel sometimes… there's NO kind of lonely like feeling trapped in a relationship void of love and mutual respect.

 

The prospect of having to start over is terrifying.

 

Of course it is! But you might surprise yourself upon discovering just how capable you really are.

 

We ALL have the ability to land on our own two feet when forced to jump. It's making that blind leap that terrifies us the most. And when you do survive the fall in spite of all your fears and self-doubt, it often becomes a life altering, life changing experience. In light of your newfound confidence and self-reliance, fear and self-doubt will no longer be your soul life motivator. You don't just 'survive' … rather you learn to thrive. And the relationships you enter there after are no longer based on co-dependency, martyrdom, neediness or fear of being alone. Instead, you gain a better understanding of yourself and what it is you can and can not tolerate from your relationships in the future. And having gained the confidence of knowing you are now able to walk away from an unhealthy situation, you'll be less fearful the next time around (abet a bit more cautious ) … because you already know, if you had to, you could survive that painful exit all over again.

 

What if I never find someone else who will love me? What if the person gets to know me and then after hearing all my deep dark secrets decides he doesn't like me?

 

Danger! If fear, self-doubt and lack of self confidence is your only reason for remaining in an unhealthy relationship, then you're in it for all the wrong reasons to begin with. There is a difference between interdependency and co-dependency. The latter suggests you may have developed an unhealthy relationship addiction.

 

Can someone really make a mistake like that once and never do it again?

 

Maybe. Maybe not.

 

The question is: are you able to give him the benefit of the doubt? You may not even know yourself well enough right now to determine whether or not this is something you'll be able to heal from, or if your resentment will continue to fester and grow … unless you first give it try. But I think it's important to try and figure out your reasons. What is it that you're trying save? --- What is it that you're afraid to lose?

 

Regardless, it might be near impossible to get your relationship back on track (or yourself for that matter) without some outside help. If your husband refuses to seek marriage counseling with you, than maybe you should consider talking with someone who can help you to sort your feelings out (or at least provide you with some support) while you're going through the process. (???)

 

In all honesty --- adultery is a deal-breaker for me. I know myself well enough to understand that I don't have the intestinal fortitude to digest that kind of pain. I'd drive myself insane even trying … as well as whoever I was with. And if someone I trusted with my very life selfishly endangered my health by giving me an STD, and thereby ruining any future opportunity to ever feel comfortable with a sex partner again… whatever love there was left would quickly turn into loathing. They'd have to restrain me or I'd pull a Baublitz on him.

 

… But that's just me.