Cannot understand his actions, please help me make sense of him!

[Fran]

Hi there-

 

Here is my situation. I have been working with a man for 8 months now, he is 38 I am 28. Our relationship began as friends, but has developed into more. We have started to hang out on weeknights and he is affectionate and intimate with me, and I admit I am crazy about him. I am head over heels for him, but there is a huge problem.

 

He has been seeing a woman off and on for three years, and he will not sever ties with her. He claims he doesn't love her, he says she is a drunk, a chain smoker, and that the two of them have a very volatile relationship. He says he will never marry her, but yet he will not leave her. He even admitted the sex with her stinks. You see, I answer his phones at work, she calls 5 times a day, it is obvious they are attached.

 

What really hurts is that we had a date Thursday night and I stayed over his place, everything was wonderful, and then I found out at work the next day that he was spending the weekend with "her" and not me. I didn't even get a phone call this weekend, in fact, he never calls or sees me on a weekend. I have told him many times over the last 2 months that I deserve a weekend date, there has not been one.

 

I told him I can't deal with him still seeing her, and he says its not easy to break up with her, since they have a close knit circle of friends, and it would be too messy.

 

I am crazy about this guy, but he tells me one side that he doesn't love this woman, will never marry her, and that he is crazy about me. Yet he avoids me on weekends, and devotes that time to her. You should also know, I am NOT SLEEPING WITH HIM, nor have I yet.

 

This really sucks because we spend all day together at work, flirting and talking, and I can't seem to figure him out or why he is messing with my head. Thank you for reading my long email, but I really am confused and hurt by this man, I want him to break up with her and be with me, and me only.

 

What can I do? How do I keep my anger in at work, and put on a smile when he freaking blew me off all weekend!!! Is this guy just a complete P*ick, or just confused too??

 

Help...

[Cess]

Get away! First of all this could cause alot of problems for you both in the work place. I don't think you want any more pressure at work. Not to be rude, but if he is saying these things about her what does he think about you. Men are always charming in the beginning and then they quickly begin changing. He will change, I promise. It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. The whole friends thing is just an excuse. Either he is done with her or not. Don't go any farther until he makes up his mind. There are plenty of men out there, plenty of unattached men. I don't mean to sound rude, but from what you wrote, this guy sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Sit back and really think about it.

Hi there- Here is my situation. I have been working with a man for 8 months now, he is 38 I am 28. Our relationship began as friends, but has developed into more. We have started to hang out on weeknights and he is affectionate and intimate with me, and I admit I am crazy about him. I am head over heels for him, but there is a huge problem. He has been seeing a woman off and on for three years, and he will not sever ties with her. He claims he doesn't love her, he says she is a drunk, a chain smoker, and that the two of them have a very volatile relationship. He says he will never marry her, but yet he will not leave her. He even admitted the sex with her stinks. You see, I answer his phones at work, she calls 5 times a day, it is obvious they are attached.

 

What really hurts is that we had a date Thursday night and I stayed over his place, everything was wonderful, and then I found out at work the next day that he was spending the weekend with "her" and not me. I didn't even get a phone call this weekend, in fact, he never calls or sees me on a weekend. I have told him many times over the last 2 months that I deserve a weekend date, there has not been one. I told him I can't deal with him still seeing her, and he says its not easy to break up with her, since they have a close knit circle of friends, and it would be too messy. I am crazy about this guy, but he tells me one side that he doesn't love this woman, will never marry her, and that he is crazy about me. Yet he avoids me on weekends, and devotes that time to her. You should also know, I am NOT SLEEPING WITH HIM, nor have I yet. This really sucks because we spend all day together at work, flirting and talking, and I can't seem to figure him out or why he is messing with my head. Thank you for reading my long email, but I really am confused and hurt by this man, I want him to break up with her and be with me, and me only. What can I do? How do I keep my anger in at work, and put on a smile when he freaking blew me off all weekend!!! Is this guy just a complete P*ick, or just confused too?? Help...

[Miss Mojo]

hi fran,

 

what planet is this guy on???? he says the sex with her stinks, she's a drunk, she chain smokes, the relationship is volatile yet he won't leave her?????? he is afraid breaking-up with her would be messy??? isn't the "relationship" messy?? this guy is an enigma. if everything about her is as bad as he says it is, then he wouldn't give a rat's arse about a messy break-up. what the hell is he talking about here? more to the point....what has he NOT told you about her? i smell a rat here. something's not adding up properly and i don't feel it has anything to do with a possible messy break-up.

 

he's messing with your head because he is a KNOB! even though you haven't slept with this guy yet, he's probably hoping that soon you will so he can have the best of both worlds. the minute you sleep with him, you may as well call yourself his mistress and call yourself "in over your head".

 

this guy is old enough to know better. he has made it clear that he won't leave her, so to be honest, don't stick around!

 

this guy will continue to use you as long as you let him. heck, he's probably even using his on-off girlfriend for something (money, assets...god knows what).

 

when a guy tells you he won't leave someone for you, that should be the moment you sprint out the door so fast that you break the sound barrier. because you will only be putting yourself in a situation where you will be subjected to endless head games, emotional turmoil, and your love life will be going absolutely nowhere fast.

 

this guy is certainly not a catch, no matter how rapt you are in. move on now before things get really out of hand. i would also strongly advise against sleeping with him. it will mess your head up if you do...big time. and the only person you'll have to blame then is yourself.

 

best wishes

[velvet]

I know three women in your situation. From what I have learned from them, is that this guy will not leave the other women for you. It will also go on for as long as he wants it and for as long as you put up with it.

 

When you are interested in someone its hard to put that person on the back burner. That is what I am trying to do myself and it takes a lot of time to train yourself to be strong minded to handle the situation for purposes of work and off the clock.

Hi there- Here is my situation. I have been working with a man for 8 months now, he is 38 I am 28. Our relationship began as friends, but has developed into more. We have started to hang out on weeknights and he is affectionate and intimate with me, and I admit I am crazy about him. I am head over heels for him, but there is a huge problem. He has been seeing a woman off and on for three years, and he will not sever ties with her. He claims he doesn't love her, he says she is a drunk, a chain smoker, and that the two of them have a very volatile relationship. He says he will never marry her, but yet he will not leave her. He even admitted the sex with her stinks. You see, I answer his phones at work, she calls 5 times a day, it is obvious they are attached.

 

What really hurts is that we had a date Thursday night and I stayed over his place, everything was wonderful, and then I found out at work the next day that he was spending the weekend with "her" and not me. I didn't even get a phone call this weekend, in fact, he never calls or sees me on a weekend. I have told him many times over the last 2 months that I deserve a weekend date, there has not been one. I told him I can't deal with him still seeing her, and he says its not easy to break up with her, since they have a close knit circle of friends, and it would be too messy. I am crazy about this guy, but he tells me one side that he doesn't love this woman, will never marry her, and that he is crazy about me. Yet he avoids me on weekends, and devotes that time to her. You should also know, I am NOT SLEEPING WITH HIM, nor have I yet. This really sucks because we spend all day together at work, flirting and talking, and I can't seem to figure him out or why he is messing with my head. Thank you for reading my long email, but I really am confused and hurt by this man, I want him to break up with her and be with me, and me only. What can I do? How do I keep my anger in at work, and put on a smile when he freaking blew me off all weekend!!! Is this guy just a complete P*ick, or just confused too?? Help...

[Lisa]

You guys are so right, he is a rat. I am sure he is using his on/off girlfriend for money. He is broke right now, and she has one hell of an income! He doesn't even give me cab fare to go home when I stay over! This guy is such a jerk, I can't imagine how he treats his girlfriend!! I just hope I am strong enough to say no to him, the next time he asks me out...give me strength.

Hi there- Here is my situation. I have been working with a man for 8 months now, he is 38 I am 28. Our relationship began as friends, but has developed into more. We have started to hang out on weeknights and he is affectionate and intimate with me, and I admit I am crazy about him. I am head over heels for him, but there is a huge problem. He has been seeing a woman off and on for three years, and he will not sever ties with her. He claims he doesn't love her, he says she is a drunk, a chain smoker, and that the two of them have a very volatile relationship. He says he will never marry her, but yet he will not leave her. He even admitted the sex with her stinks. You see, I answer his phones at work, she calls 5 times a day, it is obvious they are attached.

 

What really hurts is that we had a date Thursday night and I stayed over his place, everything was wonderful, and then I found out at work the next day that he was spending the weekend with "her" and not me. I didn't even get a phone call this weekend, in fact, he never calls or sees me on a weekend. I have told him many times over the last 2 months that I deserve a weekend date, there has not been one. I told him I can't deal with him still seeing her, and he says its not easy to break up with her, since they have a close knit circle of friends, and it would be too messy. I am crazy about this guy, but he tells me one side that he doesn't love this woman, will never marry her, and that he is crazy about me. Yet he avoids me on weekends, and devotes that time to her. You should also know, I am NOT SLEEPING WITH HIM, nor have I yet. This really sucks because we spend all day together at work, flirting and talking, and I can't seem to figure him out or why he is messing with my head. Thank you for reading my long email, but I really am confused and hurt by this man, I want him to break up with her and be with me, and me only. What can I do? How do I keep my anger in at work, and put on a smile when he freaking blew me off all weekend!!! Is this guy just a complete P*ick, or just confused too?? Help...

[Laurynn]

Come on girl, wake up and get some pride and self esteem. Don't you see ANYTHING wrong with this picture? He's in a relationship with someone, and has been fore 3 yrs.....he badmouths her, but refuses to leave her. He has the lack of class to go so far as to tell you that 'sex with her stinks'....what the hell? If she's the loser that he makes her out to be, then why is he sleeping with her? Gee, guess that makes HIM a loser.

 

He says he can't break up with her because it would be too messy? Hello? People break up with people each and every day. It's been going on for hundreds and hundreds of years. He's feeding you total BS! And if she IS as bad as he says she is, how can YOU respect a man who continues to date a woman for 3 yrs yet talks badly about her behind his back, PLUS he dates and sleeps with you? The guy is a first rate loser.

 

And why on earth would you put up with a guy you never see on weekends? Even a half decent guy wouldn't treat a dog that way. Why do you put up with this? You're not desperate, are you? It doesn't bother you to know that this guy spends his weekends boinking this other woman?..that's okay with you that he's having sex with someone else? So if he's having this little affair on the side with you, who else is he having one with? How many women is he sleeping with? How many DISEASES might he have? Who knows what diseases this other woman might have? Aren't you concerned about getting HIV or Hepatitis C (both deadly/non-curable) or Herpes or Genital Warts, or PREGNANT?

 

I don't mean to be rude but you seem awfully, awfully naive. You actually buy this crap about him not being in love with this other woman? Of course he loves her.......or he wouldn't have been with her for 3 years. He also loves the attention he gets at work, from a younger woman..and he loves having sex on the side with you.

 

Come on now, wake up....dump this loser. Find a new job ask to be moved to a different department, so you don't have to see him every day. Then ask yourself why you're allowing a man to sh*t all over you.

 

L

[Laurynn]

"You guys are so right, he is a rat. I am sure he is using his on/off girlfriend for money. He is broke right now, and she has one hell of an income! He doesn't even give me cab fare to go home when I stay over! This guy is such a jerk, I can't imagine how he treats his girlfriend!! I just hope I am strong enough to say no to him, the next time he asks me out...give me strength."

 

I don't mean to be rude here, but are you really for real? Are you sure you're 28 yrs old? Why do you need 'strength' to stay away from a broke, user, loser, two-timing, dishonest, cheating slimeball?

 

As a woman, don't you have any self respect? Don't you think enough of yourself as a woman and as a human being to *see* that you are being used? He may or may not be using his GIRLFRIEND....he may very well be very much in love with her, and he disses her to you because he's trying to keep you as his little side-dish.

 

If you need 'strength', just picture in your mind, him lying on top of his GIRLFRIEND...naked...them having wild sex, them telling each other how they love each other.....him kissing her, touching her and sharing the most deepest expression of intimacy a couple can share. Imagine her moaning and groaning and being all in love with him. Imagine this going on each weekend, when he's not able to see you.

 

Sorry, but I think you need therapy. You have about 50 signs that this guy is a liar/loser/user/manipulator/player/dog/cheat/pig, yet you aren't sure if you can stay away from him? Good grief!

 

L

[Picasso]

Well I think everyones posts were helpful except for Lauryn; (I think you need counselling).

 

You said that you are not sleeping with him, but you have been to his place. The flirting is an indication of what "could be" between you; you stated that you wish he would just break up with her so he could be with you. Are you sure? From what you have posted, I don't think a relationship with him would be very rosy.

 

Ask yourself this; how do I feel (honestly) about him? (Insecure, unsure of yourself, confused?)

 

How does he make me feel when I am with him?

 

(calm, comfortable, confident, secure?)

 

This could give you some insight.

 

You have to put yourself at the top of the list for what your needs are. Spend a little time thinking about this. I recommend focusing in another direction, it doesn't have to be with a man. Try filling up your time with a new hobby, going somewhere new, making new friends. It will lessen the effect he is having on you. If you can, change your job location (transfer) if it is best for you. I don't think much happiness will come from being with him; and no, I don't believe he loves this other girl. He may not love anyone, ever. Some men are just like that.

 

Good luck. Be good to yourself, hold your values high, and you will be treated well by someone who will recognize that and cherish you.

Hi there- Here is my situation. I have been working with a man for 8 months now, he is 38 I am 28. Our relationship began as friends, but has developed into more. We have started to hang out on weeknights and he is affectionate and intimate with me, and I admit I am crazy about him. I am head over heels for him, but there is a huge problem. He has been seeing a woman off and on for three years, and he will not sever ties with her. He claims he doesn't love her, he says she is a drunk, a chain smoker, and that the two of them have a very volatile relationship. He says he will never marry her, but yet he will not leave her. He even admitted the sex with her stinks. You see, I answer his phones at work, she calls 5 times a day, it is obvious they are attached.

 

What really hurts is that we had a date Thursday night and I stayed over his place, everything was wonderful, and then I found out at work the next day that he was spending the weekend with "her" and not me. I didn't even get a phone call this weekend, in fact, he never calls or sees me on a weekend. I have told him many times over the last 2 months that I deserve a weekend date, there has not been one. I told him I can't deal with him still seeing her, and he says its not easy to break up with her, since they have a close knit circle of friends, and it would be too messy. I am crazy about this guy, but he tells me one side that he doesn't love this woman, will never marry her, and that he is crazy about me. Yet he avoids me on weekends, and devotes that time to her. You should also know, I am NOT SLEEPING WITH HIM, nor have I yet. This really sucks because we spend all day together at work, flirting and talking, and I can't seem to figure him out or why he is messing with my head. Thank you for reading my long email, but I really am confused and hurt by this man, I want him to break up with her and be with me, and me only. What can I do? How do I keep my anger in at work, and put on a smile when he freaking blew me off all weekend!!! Is this guy just a complete P*ick, or just confused too?? Help...

[Laurynn]

"Well I think everyones posts were helpful except for Lauryn; (I think you need counselling)."

 

Oh darn, I'm totally traumatized now. *YOU* think I need counseling *sniff sniff*....Oh whatever will I do?

 

Spare me "picasso" (what other name do you use here because I haven't seen you post before now).....if someone has to explain a situation where it's soooooo obvious they are being lied to, manipulated, used, disrespected....and they don't know if they have the *strength* to resist this kind of cheating/lying jerk, they really DO need help. We can blame this guy all we want, but men like that only get away with that kind of behavior if women allow them, enable them. I guess you have a real "issue" with the notion of a strong woman who loves and respects herself, and one who can see the dozen or more "warning signs." Oh yes, us strong women everywhere should go for counseling *laugh*

 

Thanks for playing. We have some lovely parting gifts for you.

 

L