Getting married!! Whose house do you live in??

[Butterflying]

I'm dating Mike. He has it all...amazing career, nice house in a great neighborhood, nice car...everything. The relationship is great (1 1/2 years long). We have the same morals. We're commited to each other. Marriage conversations have begun. I can see myself marrying this man. There's just one problem. Where will we live?

 

I've been renting a townhome for several years. Getting out of the lease won't be a problem. Mike expects me to move in with him if we get married. He has opened his home up to me. I can make changes if I want. But I don't want to make changes. The home is designed perfectly for a large family. If we have children, they'll have a lot of space to play inside and outside of the home. The community is just awesome. I could go on and on.

 

This is a problem for me because Mikes XGF used to live in this home with him. In fact, they bought the home together when they were planning to get married, 3 years ago. She picked all the furniture and decorations. Clearly, she had excellent taste in design. But I feel uncomfortable wreaping the fruits of her labor. No matter what I do, I don't feel at home in Mike's house. I keep thinking one day, his XGF will come back and say, "That's my painting on the wall. I chose the china you're eating on. And I purchased those satin sheets you sleep in."

 

It's hard for me to imgaine Mike and my children playing in the yard, without realizing that his XGF used to imagine their children playing there. Has anyone else had a situation like this? Should Mike sell his home and allow us to purchase another home together? If not, how should I handle my discomfort?

[Woggle]

Why don't you two redecorate together so you can both put new touches on it? You don't have to sell the house but just make it different.

[SoleMate]

Well...it's important to dispel old relationship ghosts from your shared home...but I would hate to pay a real estate agent a 6% commission, plus the costs of moving, to accomplish that.

 

I would suggest redecoration to put your own stamp on things. If you don't have the knack, get a friend's help or hire a decorator. $10,000 could paint a lot of rooms and reupholster several pieces of furniture. And definitely, all new bedlinens and china. Those things are quasi-personal.

[Vega]

It would probably bother the ex more, I would think. Make it your home together. Sell the interior 'stuff' and get new things together. Knock out a wall - or put one up if you have to and by doing that together it will be even more your home. The house is just a shell - its up to the two of you to make it your home.

[Guest]

Money obviously isn't a huge issue so ask your partner if you can sell up and move.

 

Nomatter what you do to his home, you'll never forget who lived there and if it bothers you this much now, it'll always bother you.

 

Buying a home together has it's stresses, but it can also be exciting and great fun. My partner and I have moved 3 times in the space of two years. We just love the whole process - although I realise this isn't for everyone.

 

You can pick your home together, raise your children happily and put the past in the past! Worth every penny of the moving costs if you ask me!!!!

 

Good Luck...

[Guest]

I've never been in your situation, but I've been in the situation of the ex-girlfriend. I'm still friendly enough with my ex that I visit occasionally when I am in town. The house is similar to how it was, and they use furniture I helped choose. Until I read this post, I'd never really thought twice about the implications of that. I would never have contemplated that they would buy new stuff!

 

Granted, I'm not the sentimental type. Howeverm, I think you should live with it and just make changes to the stuff you really don't like. If like it, the fiance likes it, and it's a waste of money to change it without a really good reason. $10,000? That gets a nice holiday or a new car ... he's with you now, and I doubt he really thinks about his ex at all.