work together, NC impossible, boundaries?!?

[just.want.truth]

First time post, long time appreciation that there's a place like this.

 

So I can't sleep because I'm thinking about breaking 2.5 weeks of pseudo-NC (we work together and have the same group of work friends so I've kept our interaction as impersonal and short as possible - an absolute nightmare) and 2.5 months of this crazy effort to win her back before that.

 

We dated for 15 months and fell into the deepest love either of us had experienced. I'm 32 and have had several deep loves but she's 24 and has had two relationships, two years and three years long. Unfortunately, they have been all in a row, including myself. I knew this was an obstacle coming in and it didn't help that we were both dating other people when we first hooked up. But the love came and it was wonderful.

 

And then it got tough. We started to have problems when I made the unconscious decision that this was the girl I wanted to spend my life with. I unknowingly became my father. I tried to control her, I criticised her all the time, and she said she'd cried more in our relationship than during her mother's losing battle to a year of brain cancer. She's the most emotionally healthy person I've ever know and she loved me so much she did her best to make us work. Before this last real separation, we broke up around 4 times but I always convinced her I would change and she'd take me back.

 

I obviously didn't change because we're separated now. She told me she needed space but couldn't say that she didn't see a chance for us in the future. That really f***ed my head up so I did everything I could to convince her I loved her. She responded well and even kissed me on my birthday when I told her that's all I wanted as a gift. But I always wanted more and I'd eventually corner her and confront her about us getting back together. And she would cry and tell me she still needed space. This 2.5 months of my continual attempts at regaining control over her ended with a 3 hour wait in front of her doorstep and throwing myself at her feet. I don't recommend that. It only works in the movies.

 

So I took a week and half off work and did some serious soul searching. I have a sh**load of issues when it comes to love. Relationships are fine but I've only become this crazy control freak twice and both times I felt I wanted to spend my life with this person. And they've both ended with me in this unbearable heartbreak. And I had always convinced myself it was some other reason. I had always found the blame in the other person, why things wouldn't work.

 

But this girl I'm talking about now comes from a healthy, openly loving family so she's shown me how I bring the dysfunction from my family into my way of loving. When I finally get through this pain and if I can make successful changes, this might be the greatest gift I've ever received.

 

So thank you for reading this far cuz this is where I need help. I know I need time to figure my stuff out. It runs deep, I mean traumatic childhood deep. And it's probably going to take a long time. And I know she needs to heal. She lost herself in our relationship, as victims of abuse often do, and she needs this space to find herself again. But I know our love is still there, we're just both victims of a war.

 

I want to call her on Mother's Day because her mom passed 3 years ago. I want to let her know I'm thinking about her. I want to tell her I'm on page with this separation. After a week and a half off work, it's really only been one week that I've attempted Limited Contact. But it's impossible. We work in a creative environment and everyone is together all the time. I can't quit because my job is too sweet. So I want to call her to try to establish boundaries. But I'm scared to death. I'm afraid about asking her if she still sees a future for us. I'm afraid that she'll tell me she likes that I'm not visiting her anymore. I'm afraid I'll make a fool of myself on the phone.

 

But the reason I want to do it is if I can do it correctly - I want to show her that I can be good to her again. I want to keep her close so she can watch me change into a better person. She said she always loved me, but called me "Frank" - a nickname for when I was angry, controlling. She saw that I had two personalities. I want to help her heal so we can heal together.

 

No Contact feels like a game. If I stay close to her, we may become just friends. And although right now that sounds like death, if that happens, I really will have become a better person. And that's what I want.

 

Please help. Most of you out there are wonderful. I wish I had found this sight before I waited in front of her doorstep for three hours.

[Numbheart]

I think you know what I'm gonna say?

 

 

 

 

NC...TA DA!!

 

You've admitted that you have tried to convince her that you love her and its ended in her being backed into a corner needing space.

You cant convince her of anything at the moment....but believe me I know where your comming from in feeling the need to do so.

 

Respect her, give her the space she needs, she should think more of you from doing this than any attempt at trying to show her that you understand things, you need to change, etc, because all that, even though its with the right intention in the world, right now, is still hassle to her.

 

Trying to convince her of anything is still being controlling, if you see it yourself or not, believe me, it IS!

Actions speak MUCH louder than words, if she can see you have become less controlling (and by that I mean you are not trying to convince her that you will change, etc) then things may get better.

The only way that is going to happen is by going NC....then let her come to you if she needs to.

Its the hardest thing in the world to do, but it is the best thing at the moment.

[just.want.truth]

I hate that NC is the only way... but in my strong times I hear what you're saying, numbheart. And you're absolutely right about my convincing her as control. But I don't want to try and convince her anymore. I want to tell her that I am ready to stand by her and be her friend. It's what she wanted and what she tried to do for the first couple months. And it was nice between us, until I would get too sad and try to bring her back to me.

 

I can see that she wants to break my cycle of abusive control. The last time I confronted her, I told her I knew she still loved me and to let that part of her live. She told me she let that side make the decisions and she got hurt so she's listening to the side that loves herself more. She's strong and on the road to recovery.

 

Instead of no contact, I want to be ONLY the guy that she loves and not the jerk that pushed her away. She can't see that with no contact.

 

You're making me rethink talking to her about her boundaries but I do want to send her a text saying: "Happy mother's day. my love goes to your mom today." Her mom died and i know it's a hard day for her. That's about my love for her, not my need for her.

 

I truly love her so I can't not care about her well being, regardless of whether she returns my love or not.

[Numbheart]

You're making me rethink talking to her about her boundaries but I do want to send her a text saying: "Happy mother's day. my love goes to your mom today." Her mom died and i know it's a hard day for her. That's about my love for her, not my need for her.

 

Thats fine, if you really feel the need to do that, but dont do it expecting a reply from her...you may well get one, you may not.

However, do not talk to her about her boundaries, I know you may think its going to come across as you trying to be as understanding as you can be about everything, but in reality, if shes told you she needs space, she needs space.

 

Instead of no contact, I want to be ONLY the guy that she loves and not the jerk that pushed her away. She can't see that with no contact.

I know it seems hard to understand at this moment in time, but she CAN see that with NC.

Its what shes asked for from you, give it to her, you say you dont want to convince her, so dont verbally, do it by your actions.....that should say more to her than any heart felt letter, any honest "I understand what you need talk"....this is your time to take action.

No one says it needs to be total NC, but I think you need to go NC and see what develops from it...I'm still fighting with this myself, it does not feel right, but deep down I know it is.

 

Seeing others go through it is a great help to me, being able to see it from an "outside" point of view and then relate back to my own situation.

Its very easy to say, and near on impossible to do, but it is possible.

[JustG]

Wow....this is like reading my life story from the past few months....scary for me.

 

I've been going through almost the same thing - dated the girl from work (boss' daughter to be precise). I screwed up in almost the exact way you did. She screwed up by never telling me how she felt. A couple months later we're still talking but things aren't normal...but neither actually admitted to being broken up. All of a sudden she's dating someone else from work (who works for me none the less). Somehow we end up having the discussion we should have had months before. We both admit to being very much in love with each other but she can't seem to leave this other guy. We try to do the friend thing but dance back and forth around the boundary line. He begins to treat her like crap and she says she's leaving him. I believe her. The boundaries get smaller. She breaks down and goes back to him the night they break up. I get extremely upset that she caved and knowing all the things he's done to her I confront him. Things get ugly but somehow nothing major happens other than me pissing her off...but the next day she forgives me and understands where it came from. That was a week ago. Fortunately at the same time she got transfered to another job temporarily so we've made it NC since tuesday...but I don't expect that to last. I've been tempted to call but haven't yet. I won't be surprised if she starts calling again this week. Do I answer the phone when she does? Neither one of us want NC but if we keep on the path we were on I'll end up driving her to cheat or end up hurting her more than I ever want to. It's the mixed signals that make it hard. She constantly admits to loving and being in love with me and not being happy with her boyfriend but she's not strong enough to end it with him. I love her too much to let go without knowing for sure that we could never be again.

 

 

OK, so not the same exact situation, but still, I can relate to the NC at work. While she was in the office we'd tried at leat three times. Each time we'd make it maybe 2 days at most before one or both of us would cave. Of course it's easy now that shes at another office but that's only going to be for a couple more weeks. She'll be back by the end of the month most likely...and then what? Perhaps the feelings will have subsided and the thicker boundaries can be established...but knowing both of us, I doubt it.

 

Me leaving the job is not an option...I'm just at the beginning of my career but it's been made clear that I have a very bright future with this company. Her leaving is not likely. She can't make the kind of money she's making here and she'll be getting a rather siginificant promotion when she returns. Plus her dad's the boss.

 

OK, sorry for the thread-jacking. Started as just a "I know what you're going through" thing but it feels good to get it off my chest...not to mention knowing I'm not the only one out there in such a predicament.

[whichwayisup]

Take this time and work on yourself. Go to counselling if you need to because you being controlling isn't a good thing. For her or for any possible future relationships! The way you were brought up isn't healthy and you've gained some bad ways of handling situations. So, fix that! PROVE to her that you are willing to change and you're getting help for it! Maybe that will give you a second chance at some point in time in the future.

 

Only you can control you, not her. Get those thoughts out of your head, k. If she loves ya, she loves ya! And if she doesn't because of all the pain - Well, so be it. As much as you don't want to hear that or think it's a possibility, you have to. People have the right to change their minds, especially after they've been hurt so much. Sometimes it just happens and the heart takes over and says ENOUGH!!!

 

I don't know what she thinks/feels, but you have to stay in NC mode until you are confident about YOU. Fix yourself, then see if she'll date you slowly again.

[just.want.truth]

Thank you for all the solid advice.

 

I've decided not to text her. I'm going to leave her be.

 

Yeesh, you have a good day, then you have a bad day, then you have a terrible day, then you have a good day.

 

In this soul searching time of mine, I really try to pay attention to signs and strange coincidences because I figure if I'm noticing them, they may help point out the way to rediscovering myself. I went to an engagement party last night thrown by a group of friends that I haven't seen in 5 years. I ran into the only other girl that had ever left me heartbroken. We've seen each other rarely over 7 years, attempts at reconnecting as friends that always fizzled out.

 

It was crazy. I'm genuinely at peace with our past (they say you aren't really over a true love until you find a new true love) and was happy to see her. She's a wreck. She's going through some real life dilemmas and apparently is going through them alone. After she left, a good friend of both of ours filled me in on some details. It sounds like she never had as deep of a connection since me (according to the friend) and has filled her life back up with addictions. She's in trouble and our friend feels like he's her only tether to sanity.

 

It struck me to reach out to her. She was the one that got away, the soulmate, all that stuff. My love for her will be forever. And when we first met, I helped her through those same addictions and she was happy and healthy for the 2.5 years we dated.

 

I think life is presenting me with this test to see if I can love someone unconditionally. I don't want to rekindle anything with her - I still don't know what's going on with my control stuff and she's in no place to be in a healthy relationship. But I want to try and let her know that she's not alone and maybe my honest love for her can help in someway, but I have no idea if she reciprocate that feeling, if she's blocked it out, if it's anything to her. I don't know. But the way my friend put it, it might be.

 

I ache everyday for the girl I work with and am going to be tested daily in my ability to let her be and respect her space. I sit close enough to her to hear her phone conversations and laughter. And now, if I can begin a relationship based on love and caring with this other ex girl who's having a rough time, but do it without any ulterior motives or needs of my own, I think I may learn how to unconditionally love someone. Regardless of what my trials are, this girl needs someone's help.

 

Am I going crazy?

[Numbheart]

Am I going crazy?

 

Ugh??! ...after just reading that I think I might be?!

 

Your first post stated about this ex

We dated for 15 months and fell into the deepest love either of us had experienced.

Yet your last post states about your old ex GF

She was the one that got away, the soulmate, all that stuff. My love for her will be forever.

 

Er...so which one is it?....not only that, but you initially posted claiming to be really struggling with coping and handling this split, etc, yet now your last post sounds like your struggling with if to go back to your old ex?

 

Boy, is it a full moon or something, am I seeing things here?

[just.want.truth]

Yeah, I'm all over the place. Thanks for trying to understand my stuff, numbheart. I don't think I've explained myself well. But I appreciate you reading regardless.

 

I love and want to reconcile with my ex from work. I did love my old ex, but don't want to have a romantic relationship with her. I just think she's in trouble and think I might be of some help. I put two separate problems on one thread. My bad. Running into her this weekend threw me for a loop.

 

Over the course of this thread, I think I'm in a better place than when I started. I read about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and it made today's work day very positive.

 

I really just want to say thank you for reminding me not to contact my ex over this weekend. It probably would have been a major set back but instead I feel restrengthened.

 

About the old ex, maybe I was just using it to distract myself and feel needed in some way. I don't know. I do know she needs help and maybe it shouldn't be me because of my roller coaster emotions and logic.

 

Every day has been totally different, just like everytime I've added to this thread has been different. Hopefully, I'll eventually find some calm middle ground.

 

Thanks again for a steady voice.