He thinks a sex only relationship will be best

[Victorianne]

Please can you help me, I don't know what to do anymore, and my life feels like it is just going down the pan. My boyfriend and me were together for a year, but now we have broken up. We decided to stay friends and went out this weekend. But what he doesn't understand is how much I love him. We ended up having sex (I can't call it making love because he said it was just sex, which it was) and afterwards I tell him I am okay with a sex only relationship. But am I worth more than that. We have had some problems in our time but we have always managed to sort them out. We are best friends and I can't lose him at all. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like a cheap tart. But how can I make him understand that I love him? Can you please help me?

[darcy071]

It sounds like sex is the only he can express his emotions this fairly common with men. Love making can be wonderfull but for a relationship to have real substance you need more. If you continue in this situation the way it is your self esteem and self worth will suffer greatly. You must make a choice soon if you want to continue this. I understand you love him but there are men out there who will meet your emotional needs and not only their sexual ones. Be strong and move on find the right person for you. Best wishes Darcy.

[Samantha]

I hate to tell you this, but he's not your best friend. If he were, he would understand how much you loved him and he would never hurt you like this by just using you for sex. Don't be a fool. He broke up with you, because he doesn't want a serious relationship with you, but he's willing to still have sex with you? Sex is serious and it's not supposed to be something between just two friend, it's supposed to be between two people that love each other - you're in love with him, but he's not in-love with you. If he doesn't love you, why are you letting him do something so intimate with you. You're the one that's going to end up with a broken heart -like right now. Having sex with him won't make him come back to you. Please don't think it will, because it definitely won't.

[Victorianne]

Then why is he doing this to me? what is he gaining from it. He knows how much I love him. Last night on the phone i ended pouring my heart out and he just said, "Sex is all i can offer right now. I need time." What can i do now? I need him because i love him. We were together for a year and I need him back in my life. Why doesn't he realise how much this is hurting me. Does he see me as just a sex object? Am i giving him an easy ride?

[Samantha]

First of all you don't NEED anyone, you just want him, and you can't always get what you want. He's a guy who's getting some. I hate to say this, but men do that. They aren't as much of emotional creatures as women are. He's offering you sex, and why not if you're willing to give it to him. He told you he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. He's not going to tell you that, unless it's true. When you love someone, you want to be with them. Would you push away someone you loved -- NO. Whatever his reasons are, he has made it clear that he doesn't want anything, but sex. He's not hurting you, you are hurting you. You know full well that he doesn't want anything serious with you, yet you keep having sex with him, hoping he'll change his mind. HE'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE HIS MIND (at least not now). He's certainly not going to change his mind if you keep sleeping with him. Let him miss you and show some respect for your body and yourself. He's getting all the perks w/o any effort. He's not working for you, and he'll certainly lose the respect for you. At least walk away with some respect and dignity. What you need to do is accept that he doesn't want to be with you, which is what you're trying to fight. I know it hurts. Everyone's been there at least once in their life. I've been there dozens of times. You can't do anything to make him change his mind. The only thing you have control over is yourself. You have to allow yourself to hurt, cry, and talk about it over and over again until you get accept it and get sick of hurting. There is no easy band-aid for a broken heart. I'm hurting right now too. A guy just broke up with me last week, so I'm not just spewing out advice that I'm not taking myself. Just know you're not alone with suffering a broken heart. It happens to millions of people everyday. One day, you'll be the heartbreaker. Just don't hurt the guy like this guy's hurting you. He's a selfish jerk. Don't let him do this to you. Why don't you turn this around and say to him, "Oh, all you can give me is sex and not a relationship. That's too bad, cause all I can give you is a relationship and not sex. Oh well. Call me if you change your mind." Why should you conform to what he wants, let him conform to what you want. You'll have a better chance of him crawling back to you (not that you should take a jerk like this back) if you push him away. He doesn't care how much this is hurting you, because all he's thinking about is himself obviously. If he cared about you, he'd leave you alone. Sex is all he can give you -- who does he think he is. You tell him I said to go buy a whore. You're not his whore. You've got a heart and if he can't see that your love for him is special, then he's not worthy of it. You'll find someone one day (once you've healed) who is going to appreciate your love. That's when you're going to realize what a jerk this guy really is.

[Victorianne]

Thank you so much Samantha. Reading your letter made me realise exactly what I am doing to myself. I know I deserve better than this and I know the only way i can get it is by going for a guy who likes me. I got asked out last night, by a friend of mine from high school, Steven. He's someone I know but I'm not sure if I should see him. He knows about my heartache and has said he can wait. Should I see this guy as friends or will that give him the wrong message? Will he think I'm just doing it on the rebound. I care for him a lot but I can only give him friendship right now. What do you think I should do Samantha? I'm also sorry for the end of your relationship and even though it's not a bnice thjing to say, It's comforting that I'm not alone.

[Samantha]

Of course you should be this guys friend. He sounds like a nice guy. You also don't have to like him in that way, so don't pressure yourself. There is no time limit on when you're supposed to develop feeling for this new guy or not, if you're even going to ever develop feeling for him, which may never happen. You can't have too many friends. As long as you are honest with this person and you let him know that all you have to offer him right now is a friendship, and that's all you may ever be able to offer him. If he's still willing to be just your friend, then you've found a great guy, who actually cares about who you are. Sometimes it's scarier to date someone who actually cares about you, especially if you don't think you're worthy of it. That's why a lot of people tend to get involved in relationships that are unhealthy or are a stuggle for them to hold on to. They feel they need to stuggle and go through turmoil, because they're not worthy of just having something good come easily to them. That's not real love. Real love starts with a good and solid friendship. Someone you trust and can rely on no matter what. A good example, which helps me to decipher who's good for me and who's bad for me is my mother. I love my mother and she loves me unconditionally. She will always be there for me. I can rely on her no matter what. I could call her at 3:00 in the morning and say, "Mom, I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, can you come get me." She'll come right away, no matter how far it is. One day when my mom is (God forbid) gone, I want to have a husband and family who I can come home to and be comforted by. I want a husband I can rely on, who will then be there for me through the good and bad times. Everyone needs that. That should be your goal too. One day when your parents are gone, are you going to have a boyfriend/husband pick you up at 3:00am if your car should break down? Or are you going to have a boyfriend/husband who says, I'm too tired, can't you call a cab? These are the things you have to look at. Look into the future and not just at the present. Your old boyfriend would tell you to call a cab. What good is he going to be for you somewhere down the road. He'd tell you to call a cab and when you get back to the house, he'll give you sex. This new guy sounds like he'd be there to pick you up wherever you are, would hold you in his arms and tell you "Honey, you must have been terrified breaking down and having to wait here all by yourself. I'm so glad you're safe, I was so worried about you." I know this is a silly analysis, but it's true. This doesn't mean that this new guy is going to be THE ONE, but it's a start to bringing new and healthier people into your life. Just keep your eyes open for the someone who will be special to you. You can have both -- be in love with someone and have them treat you like gold. It's there, but as they say, you may have to kiss a lot of toads before you find the prince.

 

And don't worry about my relationship. It's just a confusing time for me, but I'm handling it ok. My heart will heal and I'll move on. It just takes time.