Should I Marry or Is it to Early

[Guest]

I'm 24 and shes 26, we've only been dating for 3 months before we decided to move in together. She has 2 kids by 2 different men and that is hard to deal with at times and she said she couldn't afford her rent so we decided to move in together for financial reasons. She doesn't cook and doesn't like to clean, she expects me to do them both since I work nights and i'm up during some of the day. When I discuss this with her that we should compromise, she agrees but still does the same. She feels that she shouldn't have to cook and clean all the time just cause shes a woman, but I tried to explain to her that thats not the reason, that a in a relationship we should share in the chores. I do manual labor at night, 9-10 hours sometimes my job is extremely hard and she is a manager at a gas station, where she sits most of the day. I'm not saying that her job isn't stressful but she comes home everyday claiming to be too tired to do anything. We been living together for 2 months, and sex has been an issue also. I love sex and she could care less, we might have sex 2-3 times a month. All of this is hard to deal with at times, but she is a great woman, we share alot in common. She use to stay up sometimes during the night just to talk through text with me while i'm at work during breaks. I love her with all my heart but now she wants to buy a home together and I told her that I didn't want to buy a home till I got married and she wanted to know when. So when I told her probably 3-4 years from now she got mad. So I need some advice, is it ok for me to marry her now, I do feel like she will learn to compromise, or should I just stick with my mind and possiblely lose her?

[Curmudgeon]

So I need some advice, is it ok for me to marry her now, I do feel like she will learn to compromise, or should I just stick with my mind and possiblely lose her?

 

Sure! It's OK if you marry her now. Go ahead. Just don't expect that to change anything and be ready to have the same complaints, and more, a year from now that you've already expressed here.

 

If you want to bet on the come, especially on the fact that some fine morning she'll wake up a new person and want to compromise. Go ahead. Oh, and of course her two children from as many fathers will wake up that same morning and be just bundles of joy instead of becoming even more difficult to deal with as they get older like most of them do.

 

Sex is sure to improve as well just as soon as that magic ring is put on her finger. It always happens that way.

 

Are you beginning to get my drift?

[Mirage222]

Lose her! Sorry but 3 months is not long enough and what do you want with a 24 year old girl with 2 kids from 2 daddy s this soon in life? Sounds to me like your the heal here. Your taking the blut of everything here. She cannot live by herself because she is schlepping two kids around... should have thought about her path in life before having 2 kids. I would not stay living with her. Move on, you are also too young to have to deal with her baggage. Sorry but I think your being played for a sucker here. Just don't get her pregnant because you will be an automatic daddy to 3 kids... not fun.

[a4a]

Sure marry her. She sounds like a real winner. Besides we have to keep the divorce lawyers in business.

[fraidycat]

ok..now I am not in anyway trying to slam this woman, I am only trying to see her wonderful,outstanding qualities, because you haven't really outlined any. It seems like she's provided you some emotional hoo's and ha's but the old cliche is wrong "all you need is not just love" for one, you need someone willing to not ONLY recognize needs for compromise,growth,change , whatever it be etc etc..but DO them, because love is an ACTION. So in other words let me set up your scenario of what you have here- You work 10-12 hours at a backbreaking job so you can support yourself, your gf and her 2 children, Your also responsible for tending to all the household and basic needs for four people. She realizes she could help, she just doesn't want to nor has to because you will do it for her.Which shows he holds no respect for your body, your mind, your well being. Your right..this relationship does sound like a rose garden!!

[bab]

Absolutely not. Do not get married. You haven't been together long enough, and on top of that these issues need to be resolved BEFORE popping the question. Good luck to you!

[tikigods]

problems need to be solved before you get married, marraige doesn't magiclly make things better, in fact it often times makes things even worse. I wouldn't be surprised if she is pushing so she has someone to take care of her two kids

[Mary3]

problems need to be solved before you get married, marraige doesn't magiclly make things better, in fact it often times makes things even worse. I wouldn't be surprised if she is pushing so she has someone to take care of her two kids

 

Sure marry her and become the babysitter, the house cleaner, the chef and don't expect much sex either.

[Walk]

Three months!!! And already she's too tired for everything. Unless she's working 60 hours a week, she better be pulling her fair share.

 

Who's paying for the house?

 

I have seen this women about 20 times in the past 15 years. My ex sister in law was like this. Find a guy, move in iwth him after a month or two of dating. She didn't help around the house, wasnt' much help financially, drained off him. Had two kids by two different guys. She's "accidently" lose her job a few months into a new relationship. Guy would have to support her entirely. She wouldnt' get a new job unless he threatened to dump her. She'd work for about 2 weeks and "lose" it again. She was a user. She uses people. She used men because it was easier then doing it herself. She moved in with me for about 2 months before I shipped her off to her mothers house. She's been living off her mother for the past 4 years now.

 

Friend of mine got married to a woman he'd been dating for about 4 months. She'd moved in after 2 months of dating. He did everything, cooked, cleaned, earned the lion share of the money and paid for everything. She worked a sit down part time job. She took him for everything he had. He's still paying that off. It's been 3 years now and he's still trying to crawl out from under her debt. He bought a house for them after marriage. She got that and now her and her new bf live there.

 

A real woman wants to be an equal part of the relationship. A healthy relationship is based on mutual respect and desire to help our partner. Your gf isn't showing that. At least not in your post. She sounds as if she found someone who's willing to bend over backwards to support her and clean up after her and meet all her needs, without her having to do much if anything in return. Of course she would want to get married quick. She's sitting on a gold mine. But what are you getting out of it? Less sex, more chores, more financial obligations, more hassel, and more headache. That isn't a fair trade off. She's using you at this point. Don't fall for it just because of how it was for one month back in the beginning. She's showing her true colors now. Cut her lose to find someone else to leech off of.

[Mary3]

Three months!!! And already she's too tired for everything. Unless she's working 60 hours a week, she better be pulling her fair share.

 

Who's paying for the house?

 

I have seen this women about 20 times in the past 15 years. My ex sister in law was like this. Find a guy, move in iwth him after a month or two of dating. She didn't help around the house, wasnt' much help financially, drained off him. Had two kids by two different guys. She's "accidently" lose her job a few months into a new relationship. Guy would have to support her entirely. She wouldnt' get a new job unless he threatened to dump her. She'd work for about 2 weeks and "lose" it again. She was a user. She uses people. She used men because it was easier then doing it herself. She moved in with me for about 2 months before I shipped her off to her mothers house. She's been living off her mother for the past 4 years now.

 

Friend of mine got married to a woman he'd been dating for about 4 months. She'd moved in after 2 months of dating. He did everything, cooked, cleaned, earned the lion share of the money and paid for everything. She worked a sit down part time job. She took him for everything he had. He's still paying that off. It's been 3 years now and he's still trying to crawl out from under her debt. He bought a house for them after marriage. She got that and now her and her new bf live there.

 

A real woman wants to be an equal part of the relationship. A healthy relationship is based on mutual respect and desire to help our partner. Your gf isn't showing that. At least not in your post. She sounds as if she found someone who's willing to bend over backwards to support her and clean up after her and meet all her needs, without her having to do much if anything in return. Of course she would want to get married quick. She's sitting on a gold mine. But what are you getting out of it? Less sex, more chores, more financial obligations, more hassel, and more headache. That isn't a fair trade off. She's using you at this point. Don't fall for it just because of how it was for one month back in the beginning. She's showing her true colors now. Cut her lose to find someone else to leech off of.

 

You think sex is in short demand try 6 months from now !

[Guest]

Thanks for the advice I never really looked at it like that, but I can't really see how I could break all this down to her, and she did lose her job and she has told me about this huge debt that has and how she has to pay it asap. She is trying to find somewhere soon, but it is hard to find a job down here. She tells me how I am good to her and how she appreciates this and how she wants to help out as soon as she finds a job. Its hard to tell if things are real or fake, I can't tell if i'm being played or if she is being serious and things are just hard for her.

[spider]

I seriously hope this is a joke.

 

GROW SOME NUTS, ARE YOU A MAN OR WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

she basicly sucked you in with some emotional boo boo games, and now has you wraped around her finger. Your paying the rent, babysitting her kids, feeding them (and her), she doesn't have a job (might have lost it intentionaly), she doesn't cook, she doesn't clean, she doesn't even give you sex as much as you NEED, and on top of that she has debt that she is trying to guilt you into paying.........

 

SHE NEEDS TO GO!!!!!!!!!

 

Your being played. RUNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!

 

if your planing on having sex with her, put on a condom, in fact put on 3 of them

 

give her some money and tell her she has two days to leave.

 

 

Life is hard, and there are ugly things in life that you have to do sometimes to survive. Some people have to KILL, Sill, PROSTITUTE THEM SELFS.

 

AT LEST YOU CAN DO IS STAND UP FOR YOUR SELF WHEN YOU KNOW YOUR BEING PLAYD FOR A FOOL

[norajane]

Thanks for the advice I never really looked at it like that, but I can't really see how I could break all this down to her, and she did lose her job and she has told me about this huge debt that has and how she has to pay it asap. She is trying to find somewhere soon, but it is hard to find a job down here. She tells me how I am good to her and how she appreciates this and how she wants to help out as soon as she finds a job. Its hard to tell if things are real or fake, I can't tell if i'm being played or if she is being serious and things are just hard for her.

 

You are being used, played, whatever you want to call it. And she will continue to use you for as long as you allow yourself to be used. This is a woman who will always be losing jobs, will always have major debts to pay (you probably don't even know the extent of her financial problems yet!), will always glom onto some poor sap who will take care of her and all her problems. She will say anything to gain your sympathy, and she will use you until you stand up for yourself and get her out of your house, or until she finds someone else who will take care of her.

[Guest]

You are being used, played, whatever you want to call it. And she will continue to use you for as long as you allow yourself to be used. This is a woman who will always be losing jobs, will always have major debts to pay (you probably don't even know the extent of her financial problems yet!), will always glom onto some poor sap who will take care of her and all her problems. She will say anything to gain your sympathy, and she will use you until you stand up for yourself and get her out of your house, or until she finds someone else who will take care of her.

 

I told her yesterday about how I felt and that it was over and she cried and tolded me not to leave but I told her that I couldn't deal wit it, but she promised me that she would do whatever she can to make it work. I told her that I couldn't go through that again, and she told me that things where going to change and that she was going to try more, she told me that she was too used to being by herself and just taking care of her and her kids and that it is hard to adjust. So I agreed to give her another chance, and she washed the dishes and made the dinner. I can see that she is trying, but i'm going to try this out but wit a caution rope, I don't want to try to force someone to be perfect in my eyes while i'm not holding up my share. But the past 4 days I haven't cooked or cleaned, i've basicly left it all for her, I don't know if its right or wrong but it was left for me so i'm leaving it for her. And I will just have to let this go if she can't get any better.

[spider]

if you think she will keep doing that once she has that $1000 ring on her finger and that little piece of paper signed you are kidding your self. I

 

QUOTE"

"she told me that she was too used to being by herself and just taking care of her and her kids and that it is hard to adjust"

 

If that was true she would have the ability to take care of her self;

eg; - have a good job to pay for her kids

-be able to make them (and her self) a dinner and clean up after her little brats.

 

i don't know how to stress this out enough;

 

DON'T JUDGE ANYBODY BY THEIR WORDS (ESPECIALY WOMEN), JUDGE THEM BY THEIR ACTIONS

 

What do her actions tell you?????

[2sunny]

Life is only bound to get more difficult with this type of selfish personality!

 

Who does she think she is - making all these demands and not putting out any effort to see that you are happy????

 

Jeeeez, gals like this give women a bad name - it's called a rip roaring BIT*H! And yes, I am a woman...

 

If you want to have any happy days ahead of you at all, you'll run from her as fast as you can!

 

There are actually nice, giving, caring and generous women in the world who are not looking to mootch off of men, but to actually have a real loving and healthy relationship! Why would you want what you are dealing with? She's a creep!

[lilly126]

WOW. I hate to say this to you, but it sounds to me like she's using you! If she was really working some difficult, stressful job and was on her feet all day, then maybe I would understand. But the fact that she expects to sit on her butt on day, then go home and sit on her butt all night, while you do all the hard work at your job and in your home (because let's face it, the work at home is enough to fulfill a full time job) is disgusting! Marriage should be when two TEAMMATES come together to share the burden TOGETHER, to face obstacles TOGETHER and get through them as partners. This woman sounds like she wants a free ride. Kudos to you for putting up with her crap this long! You sound sweet, and you deserve a girl with no baggage. Save your first marriage for a woman who comes ready to love you and assist you in the day to day stuff. Have babies with THAT woman, not this one. Kick this woman to the curb, honey!

[Mary3]

This smells of rotten fish ! She was a lazy house bum and now suddenly the gravey train is going out the door and suddenly she is cleaning the house !

 

Warning !

 

Please leave quickly and proudly while you still have your dignity. Its amazing that it took an internet site to get you to wake up and its more amazing if you stay with that girl !

 

El Dumpo Por Favor !

[Walk]

So you had to threaten to break up with her in order to get her off the couch long enough to do a few dishes and make some food? And in fact, she didn't even have a job and couldn't find the ambition to help out around the house?

 

A person who is honestly appreciative of you, will do things to show it. They'll help out around the house without you asking. They'll pick up another crappy job until they can find a better paying one. I know the job economy where I live is horribe, but the temp agencies always have work for someone who's willing. Always. It may suck, but there are jobs available. If she doesn't have one, it's because she doesn't want one. She's had oppotunity and time to do dishes, household chores, and yet couldn't find the ambition.

 

I guarantee she'll be back to her lazy old self in no time. If this lasts a month I'd be shocked as hell. There will be another reason why she can't. I think the next step is to use the excuse of an illness that will cause her to be unable to work, or do house work. However, you'll find that if it's something she wants to do, she'll be capable of doing it.

 

If her behavior has not changed dramatically and she isn't able to maintain it, don't give her a third chance. If you do break up with her, and then give her a third chance, the small amount of fear she has of losing you will be gone completely and you won't have a leg to stand on with her. She'll take you for everything at that point. Whatever you do... if she reverts back to her real self and you decide it's time to break up, don't back down for anything. Not tears, not pleas, not even if she threatens suicide. Your life will become a living hell if she realizes you won't actually kick her out. DON'T give her a third chance. She blows it this time, then realize she's not going to change. No matter what her words are, or promises. Its actions that matter, and she has this one single chance to prove herself or fail. In fact she's had MONTHS to show her appreciation, and to attempt to help you around the house. No more chances.

[norajane]

I told her yesterday about how I felt and that it was over and she cried and tolded me not to leave but I told her that I couldn't deal wit it, but she promised me that she would do whatever she can to make it work. I told her that I couldn't go through that again, and she told me that things where going to change and that she was going to try more, she told me that she was too used to being by herself and just taking care of her and her kids and that it is hard to adjust. So I agreed to give her another chance, and she washed the dishes and made the dinner. I can see that she is trying, but i'm going to try this out but wit a caution rope, I don't want to try to force someone to be perfect in my eyes while i'm not holding up my share. But the past 4 days I haven't cooked or cleaned, i've basicly left it all for her, I don't know if its right or wrong but it was left for me so i'm leaving it for her. And I will just have to let this go if she can't get any better.

 

She is still playing you, and will continue to play you for as long as you allow her to. This woman is TROUBLE and will bring you nothing but anxiety and debt if you continue in this relationship.

 

You say you don't want to force her to be perfect inyour eyes while you're not holding up your share? Seems to me you've been holding up far, far more than your share. Seems to me the problem isn't that you are too picky and seeking perfection; the problem is you are not picky enough and are accepting crap.

 

Either you don't know that healthy relationships are very different from the one you have with her, or you don't believe you deserve someone who treats you better. Either way, make no mistake about it, you are in an unhealthy, damaging relationship with someone who has no clue what a partnership and marriage requires from both people.

 

There are many wonderful women out there who would not use you like this. Find one of them.

[reddog63]

Go ahead........ignore every post warning you to run...........jeeezzzz........here is a good example how our public school system is going down the crapper.

[spider]

just don't get her pregnet, because that will be the end of you

 

if she tries to tell you she is on the pill or any damn thing that requires you going bareback.....DON'T

[reddog63]

If he can read these posts and still stay with her..........hmmmm.........I would put my money on she gets knocked up.........now, might not be his, but he will probably believe it.

[Naive]

If you have to ask, it's not a good idea.

[Ducky]

WOW.......All I can say is that there are warning flags all through out your post. This is a new relationship...and already you are unhappy with too many asspects of her. I hate to say this, and if it offends you I'm sorry...but it sounds to me like she is getting a whole heck of a lot more out of this realtionship that you. It seems to me that you are more of a sugar daddy than a man she loves. She is using you, and is in a big hurry to marry you because she wants that meal ticket (you) to be obligated to her legally.

I agree with what spider said about her actions....and I will add that if she truly loved you, you wouldn't have to keep asking her to compromise...When two people love each other they will go to the ends of the earth to make that person happy.

I am curious though....Exactly why do you love her?