social/life problems

[Juan]

Well in high school I never had any friends cause I always felt like the strange person. I use to have lots of anxiety when walking down the halls or just sitting in the classrom. Because of that I would stay quiet and felt like nbody liked me. Whenever girls told me they thought I was sexy I never led them on, and so I just never ended up having a romantic relationship. It use to be alright for me then. i was just trying to stay safe and comfortable, but now I'm 22 and realize that I'm in a pretty bad shape. I dont have any friends and never had a girlfriend. I feel like I should have already lived so much but I haven't. I know that if most people heard bout some one like me they would just laugh or think something bad so I always feel embarassed about my past and seems like only way to get to know people is by telling them who you are. On certain days I feel like it would be better for me not to even exist, and there's nobody I can tell cause telling just makes them lose respect for you. If there's one thing I'm glad for it's that on the outside people can't really tell. From what Ive seen mostly people think im a good lookin guy that just doesnt talk either cause im shy or just don't wanna be friends. I don't think it's shyness though cause if it was just that then i wouldn't be in such a bad time in my life. I think there's something more deep down and it's just killin me. What could i ever do to fix it? I feel like I can never get back on track. I get uncomfortable just at the thought of sayin hi to some one. Nobody in my family even knows how bad it is cept maybe my brothers but they dont even have the love to ask me about it and see if they can help me with it. How can i live with myself knowing how much I have failed in life? I have the ultimate shame.

[AussieChick]

Well in high school I never had any friends cause I always felt like the strange person. I use to have lots of anxiety when walking down the halls or just sitting in the classrom. Because of that I would stay quiet and felt like nbody liked me. Whenever girls told me they thought I was sexy I never led them on, and so I just never ended up having a romantic relationship.

 

Juan, you would be surprised just how many people feel this way through high school. I speak from experience, I HATED high school, and had no friends, I used to spend my entire recess and lunch breaks in the library reading, or I would simply go home and have lunch in my house. I understand that my telling you this doesn't take away the pain from the experience, but you need to let yourself believe that you are not alone in this experience of high school, and that it is not an embarrassing thing. It sounds like you had trouble accepting yourself, and lets face it teenagers can be cruel, and they don't have the social skills to see someone troubled.

 

It use to be alright for me then. i was just trying to stay safe and comfortable, but now I'm 22 and realize that I'm in a pretty bad shape. I dont have any friends and never had a girlfriend. I feel like I should have already lived so much but I haven't.

 

Juan! You're 22 not 102 - You have to let go of these self destructing feelings and thoughts. You said that it was ok during high school, but now you realise that you're 22 and need help - Hooray! this is the first step, and there is PLENTY of time (hope so as I'm 35 and only JUST sorting myself out - so you see that you're at least a decade ahead of me!).

 

I know that if most people heard bout some one like me they would just laugh or think something bad so I always feel embarassed about my past and seems like only way to get to know people is by telling them who you are.

 

Ok - this is another self destructive thought. As long as you dwell on the past, it will rule your future. Telling people who you are is definitely the way to get to know them, but they only know what YOU tell them, and more importantly HOW you tell them. Don't open with 'Hi I'm Juan and I have no friends and have never had a girlfriend' - People don't need to know this, at least not straight away. Fake it! I don't mean lie, I just mean tell people only the good stuff - live in the here and now and not the past - you are someone they will want to know. Most importantly STOP thinking about your past as an embarrassment, there is nothing that you've written above that you should be embarrassed or ashamed of!

 

On certain days I feel like it would be better for me not to even exist, and there's nobody I can tell cause telling just makes them lose respect for you. If there's one thing I'm glad for it's that on the outside people can't really tell. From what Ive seen mostly people think im a good lookin guy that just doesnt talk either cause im shy or just don't wanna be friends. I don't think it's shyness though cause if it was just that then i wouldn't be in such a bad time in my life. I think there's something more deep down and it's just killin me. What could i ever do to fix it? I feel like I can never get back on track. I get uncomfortable just at the thought of sayin hi to some one. Nobody in my family even knows how bad it is cept maybe my brothers but they dont even have the love to ask me about it and see if they can help me with it. How can i live with myself knowing how much I have failed in life? I have the ultimate shame.

 

Juan, you need to talk to someone - a counsellor, or perhaps call an anonymous helpline. I'm not sure where you're from, but this can't go on, and there must be some sort of counselling service available in your area. Writing to LS is a great place to start, as you have now put your thoughts in writing, but I don't think that this will be enough for you.

 

I think it's fantastic that you can see that you need help, and this is the first step. I get the impression that you have tried to talk to people about your feelings, and situation but they don't understand - this is where a professional will help - they are trained to dig deeper and not to pass judgement, going in knowing that they will listen, and assist - and forming a friendship with this person isn't the agenda - will allow you to be open and honest in describing your situation.

 

I wish I could tell you that there's a quick fix, but I'm afraid there isn't, it will take you time BUT it can be done! You WILL dig yourself out of this hole you feel you're in - you CAN turn your life around!

 

Remember you are ONLY 22 - life hasn't even begun yet - it's nowhere near over.

 

Keep in touch.

Aussie.

[johan]

This problem reminds me of a lion that gets bossed around by a mouse, because he's never seen himself in a mirror and doesn't realize he's a lion. It's an example of letting a lot of little tiny things get in your way, because you don't have a clear picture of who you are.

 

You're clearly a cool guy. You just never let yourself out so that people can see it. You've decided they won't approve, and so you take all choice away from them.

 

Look around you. There are people openly acting like asses everywhere you go (just read a few LS threads, and you'll see enough to prove my point). They are ugly, they do stupid things, they say stupid things, and it's not really a coincidence that most of them have fuller social lives than you have. Or so it appears. What you have to recognize is that people really aren't that critical. They won't be nearly as critical of you as you are, I guarantee that.

 

You have to learn that people aren't going to condemn you for your imperfections. You have to be willing to be ugly and do and say stupid things (occasionally) like them. You can do and say the things that make sense to you, and you will find people showing more attraction to you. They'll see that you like them and you're putting yourself out there in order to be with them. And they'll like you back. Most people you know are probably wondering what you think of them.

 

You're a thoughtful guy, so you won't blow it (much). Just use your best judgment with people. There are some who won't really like everything you have to offer. You have to put up with those people in order to find the ones who think you're great. The catch is that you have to feel that you're pretty great before you can start with any of them. Otherwise you Just look in the mirror.

 

That's it in a nutshell. It takes a lot of thought and courage to implement though. It's important to realize that, while you're obviously not happy where you are, you choose to remain there because it is a comfort zone. I agree with the suggestion that professional counseling can help you work through it all. By the way, you have no reason to feel shame. All you need is some perspective.

[dgiirl]

I agree with the others. I definitely think a therapist can help you. I have a feeling you might have an anxiety disorder that a therapist can help you with. I found out this past year that I've been suffering from anxiety. Just KNOWING what I've been doing all my life but never understood has helped a lot. I often have a lot of self defeating thoughts, and now that I realize it's all based on anxiety, I can handle it better. Atleast be kinder to myself when i go through my attacks.

 

As for your family not asking you. To be frank, a lot of people dont pick up on things you THINK might be obvious. Most people are self absorbed to not realize what others are going through. Not because they dont care, but more because they are mindless. Everyone's caught up in their own daily problems and insecurities, it's hard to recognize other people in trouble UNLESS that person says something. And even then, a lot of people dont know how to help. That's why a therapist can help you a lot. They're objective and they wont sugar coat things for you. It did me a world of good. I think it could help you too.

 

I also hated highschool. I never really fit in. I wasnt the geek that everyone tormented, but more of the one noone really noticed. I always knew a few people in each clique, so I would hop from group to group. But I never really formed any lasting friendships until I went to university. That was when I decided to put myself out there more. Noone knew me, it was a fresh start. It did take me a few years until I met a good group of friends. The first year of university was very lonely.

 

I think the first step you need to work on is your internal voice. I'm betting the things you tell yourself are very cruel, things you wouldnt even tell your worse enemy.

[Juan]

Thank you for your replies.

 

Right now I'm seeing a counselor for this. I told him that my biggest problem is feeling comfortable in public settings. He's helping me to "unlearn" it with imagery. He told me that he is SURE I'm going to get better. Probz is I just don't want it to take a long time. Some one said it was nothing to be embarassed about that I don't have a lot of history with girls or friends but I think it is.

[dgiirl]

Thank you for your replies.

 

Right now I'm seeing a counselor for this. I told him that my biggest problem is feeling comfortable in public settings. He's helping me to "unlearn" it with imagery. He told me that he is SURE I'm going to get better. Probz is I just don't want it to take a long time. Some one said it was nothing to be embarassed about that I don't have a lot of history with girls or friends but I think it is.

 

Juan, would you honestly laugh at someone else if they didnt have very many friends or experience with girls? Would you think that low of them?

[Juan]

I wouldn't laugh at them. I would feel sorry for them. You wouldn't? Tell me why.

[dgiirl]

I would empathize with them, but I wouldnt feel pity for them. There's plenty of people who really enjoy being alone, and there's plenty of people who love to be in the middle of everything with tons of people around them. Different strokes for different folks. It's what makes us all unique. And none of it should make one embarassed of oneself. However, if it's something you personally want to change, then you make the effort to change it. I'm glad to see that you are in therapy and I hope you make the best of it. Social anxiety is not uncommon. You'd be amazed at how many people suffer from it.

[Noos]

Juan

There is a very long thread about social anxiety in one of the forums here. A lotof different people are on it.

I have developed anxiety problems a bit myself and am also trying to work through them with CBT and imagery of past situations and how a trusted, rational person would view the same situation.

 

I still have a lot of anger about things people said or did to me in my past that have contributed to this problem. I still need to get over my need for other people's approval.

 

Dgiirl and Aussie Chick - what do you think caused your problems and is therapy helping? I'm frustrated with the slow process and the enormous expense.

[dgiirl]

I still have a lot of anger about things people said or did to me in my past that have contributed to this problem. I still need to get over my need for other people's approval.

 

Dgiirl and Aussie Chick - what do you think caused your problems and is therapy helping? I'm frustrated with the slow process and the enormous expense.

 

Therapy helped, but I have a feeling it's going to be an on going issue with me for the rest of my life. I'm not in therapy anymore, but I will definitely go back when/if the need arises. But knowing what I was doing helped a lot in the first place. Now I can stop myself when I'm overthinking and not think I'm a mean horrible person for getting so upset, or think I'm going crazy because I cant stop my thoughts. I'm more patient with myself and more forgiving. I dont really know what caused it. My dad apparently suffers from the same thing, so I'm sure it's part biological. I'm also sure it's part environmental. Some of the things I grew up seeing could certainly make a child anxious too. And I know living with my (now ex)h definitely made things worse too. It was probably not intentional, but he would feed those thoughts of me being a mean horrible person. But all of those things just fed my anxiety, but not necessarily caused it.

 

It's hard to get over that need for approval. It's hard to just believe in yourself and allow yourself to make mistakes. A lot of my anxiety comes out when I'm angry. And when I'm angry, I tend to replay the situation over and over and over again. Thinking of things that were said, what I said, what I should have said, what they're thinking, etc. As if I need to defend myself for being angry. So some of the things I'm doing now is just telling myself "You are right". Not to be cocky, and not to feed my anxiety, but more to give me a rest from overthinking the problem. You dont need someone to appologize. You dont need approval from others to tell you you were right. Be civil and respectful to others, and if you've done all that, just tell yourself you are right and you dont need to defend yourself. The situation is over, I've said my peace, now it's time to let go.

 

I think a lot of it has to do with your internal dialogue. And a lot of the stuff I'm angry over really doesnt matter. A few things do tho, and that's when you can tell yourself it's ok to be angry about it, but also realize the anger doesnt do you any good. It hurts you more than it hurts the person you're angry with. I could be sitting here rethinking an argument I've had for hours, and the actual person I would be pissed off at could be sitting there eating an ice cream cone and watching a funny movie. Who's getting punished? Me, not him. It dont make sense!

 

But I think the first step to tackling it is to accept and be patient with yourself. Dont think bad things about yourself when you get off track, but do make efforts to refocus your thinking.