Can men and women be "just friends"?

[Tim'sAngel]

Ok, here is something that has baffled me for a long time now. Men and women. Can they really just be friends?

 

Now, I have always been on the opposing arguement that they can just be friends, then I actually sat down one day and thought back to all the men I've known in my past who I considered to be just my friend and realized with almost all of them at one point or another there were feelings, be it sexually or emotionally, involved. I can only think of 1 or 2 men in my life that I hung out with on a regular basis and nothing happened between us, but I can't say that thoughts of being w/them never crossed my mind.

 

So now I am beginning to think maybe we really can't just be friends like I had origanally thought.

 

Please give me some feedback as I am very intrigued by this discussion!!

[Woggle]

I actually have a close friend at work who is just a friend. I can't speak for her but I can't see myself ever dating her but she is a great friend.

[Jadey]

I didn't read this all, but yes, of course they can!! I have many male friends, and I've never ever felt romantically towarts them and I can still tell them anything. Or as much as the females anyways. Infact, I actually get on a lot better with males and have more male friends than what I do females! They are a lot less bitchy

[pioneer]

The answer is no, men and women cant be just friends, you can be sure that one or the other will have some kind of feelings no matter how small.

[Sami_D]

Well of course it is possible to be just friends. Just because you're close in terms of friendship doesn't mean that you have to automatically feel sexually attracted to someone. Not everyone is sexually interested in EVERYONE of the opposite sex, are they..?

[pioneer]

Well of course it is possible to be just friends. Just because you're close in terms of friendship doesn't mean that you have to automatically feel sexually attracted to someone. Not everyone is sexually interested in EVERYONE of the opposite sex, are they..?

 

 

maybe to some extent they are.

[amgine]

Yes and No.

 

It depends on the individuals concerned. If they work together and socialise together well yes

If they belong and share the same interests, like being involved in a drama club, a running club which both men and women belong.

If they've known each other most of the lives well yes they can.

 

BUT if either of them is remotely attracted to the other they can't

 

From what i've read about the difference between men and women, and we are different. A woman can find it easier to be friends with a man than the other way round.

 

I'll be keeping an eye on this thread, will be quite interesting

[Sami_D]

maybe to some extent they are.

 

EWW... no they are NOT!

 

I'm far more attracted to some women than I am to many, many men!

 

(maybe this is just a female perspective..?)

[Alexandra]

BUT if either of them is remotely attracted to the other they can't

 

Hmmm not sure about that sentence...

 

Vast topic indeed. From a personal perspective I can only be close friends with men. With women I can be aquaintances or even somewhat close but my most dear friends have always been men and I have yet to meet one that I had absolutely zero attraction for, as well as the reverse.

 

As for the general perspective I trully believe it's a matter of preference as well as of EQ. I tend to disagree with the affirmation about the lack of attraction being necessary, I'd say it's often to the contrary. If it's a superfluous light flirting undertone that's not creating tension then it can help keep the two close. Maybe it's about the right balance, the right amount of attraction, the lack of ulterior motive, the lack of intention to transform it into anything other than friendship. Meaning if one of the two is desperate to bed the other one then it may be impossible to sustain the relationship long term but if it's a tame, moderate attraction that simply tells you your friend is pleasant or valuable in romantical ways then it can bring a tinge of flirty attention that would make friendship even more valuable to some.

 

Let's face it we only become close friends with those that we are attracted to, do we not? Granted it's to one's mind and soul rather than to one's body but it's still attraction.

 

Being just friends with someone you're in fact desperately in love with is a bad idea, no question about it, but being intimate with someone you only moderately like "that way" and have them match the tame intensity of attraction while there's a clear intellectual boundary on the nature of the relationship can be a very fulfilling experince.

 

Has anyone ever had a friend of the opposite gender they felt was repulsive?

[Craig]

Bah! Of course men and women can be just friends.

 

Hell, they can even have a sexual or romantic attraction towards each other and still be friends. To say that women and men can't be friends if there is even a hint of sexual attraction doesn't sound feasible to me. Take another example, consider if your same sex best friend were married to the hottest woman or man in your wildest dreams (or even a little less), does this mean that you have to end your friendship because you are attracted (but not acting upon that attraction) to her/his spouse? I thought not.

 

Sexual tension between friends of different gender is not abnormal though it doesn't happen all the time.

 

Some of my women friends are what are generally accepted as extremely hot and yes I have thought about a sexual encounter with them but I realize that the friendships I treasure would in the end suffer and there would be no hope of a mutually fulfilling long term relationship them. Because they are friends to me, not relationship material to me. Oh yeah sometimes it takes pure will power in moments of weakness to avoid crossing the line but I never have.

 

If at least one of the parties approaches the friendship in a mature manner, understanding that attraction is possible and even probable that when it happens the decision not to cross the line is already made.

 

In deciding to be friends and friends only with the opposite gender you have two important decisions to make, which one of the following do you tell yourself?

 

1. I have no plans to have a sexual or romantic relationship my opposite gender friend, or;

 

2. I have plans not to have a sexual or romantic relationship with my opposite gender friend.

 

If you chose option 1 you are in danger of crossing that friendship line. Having no plans to do something does not mean you will not do it.

 

If you chose option 2 then probably you have thought about the possibility and have made a decision in advance of the opportunity to avoid crossing the friendship line.

 

When the decision is made not to cross the friends line then a whole new deeper friendship can emerge. The things I talk about with my women friends are completely different than the topics discussed with my men friends. It is refreshing to be able to talk with my women friends and yes in some cases we have discussed the topic that we were both attracted big time to each other but to act upon it would change the friendship and quite possibly ruin our overall relationship.

 

And that's about all I have to say about that.

[alphamale]

men and women can be casual friends (aka "aquaintances) but they cannot be real, true friends. too many things get in the way. and you are correct, when you see a strong cross-gender "friendship" almost always one of the two wants more.

 

however, I must footnote my above stmts by saying that men and women can be friends in the context of a romantic relationship.

[Tim'sAngel]

From what I've read so far this is my conclusion, its all about the person. Some have the will power to say "I really love the frienship I have with this person and I will not jeopardize our friendship by acting on my attraction." And some don't.

 

I think some of you are missing the point or maybe I just didn't make myself clear. I know 2 people of the opposite sex can be friends as in "Hey Mary whats up? How was your weekend? Wanna go grab a bite for lunch?"

What I meant was, can you be friend with someone and see them on a regular basis and not ever once have a sexual thought towards them or feelings of emotion (e.g. Tom is such a sweet guy, if only I could find someone like him to have a relationship with)

 

Obviously you are not friends w/someone you don't like right? So when you have a friendship with one of the opposite sex then you like they''re personality, they're sense of humor, they're charactor...I know as a women I get vulnerable and I have been known to turn to my guy friends for that void I need to be filled because all of the sudden I realize they have all the qualities I want in a relationship. Usually this turns into a disaster of course. This happened with my son's bio father. We were stricly friends. No kissing, no fooling around, I was not even the slightest bit attracted to him and I cherished our friendship. We spent at least 4-6 days out of the week together at the beach or the pool, at each others place, eating out, going for drives, watching movies... Then one night he was staying the night at my house, and it just happened. We were both horny and noone was there but us, so it was like, "Hhmm, what the hell?" Long story short, we are no longer friends.

 

I'm not saying that men and women can't converse and even hang out occasionally, but I think at some point we all start to wonder what it would be like to be involved with each other, wether physically or emotionally.

[Tim'sAngel]

BTW, I'm speaking of 2 single male and female friends. Obviously if you are in a serious relationship or married then your focus is, or should be, on your partner.

[Star Gazer]

I totally agree with Craig on all points. While it's not necessarily true in every relationship, I think men and women CAN be friends, especially when they consciously make the decision to put their FRIENDSHIP first, above any and all sexual attraction/tension they may experience.

 

Friendship doesn't require an absence of attraction...in fact, I think it requires it to a certain extent.

 

That said, I do question whether a particular man and woman can be just friends, truly just friends, if/when circumstances arise where one person DOES want more, like a relationship, with their opposite-sex friend. I've been on both sides of this equation in the past, and what results is the luster (for lack of a better word) kinda sabotaging the other's thoughts/relationships. For example, my friend is in a relationship, and I've always kinda wanted to be with him...so when he's having issues with his GF, I am not necessarily honest with him and somewhat encourage him to end the relationship with her while simultaneously mentioning/demonstrating all of my GF-qualities. Bad...I know.

[Brittanyjean06]

I sometimes find it really hard to be just friends with guys, not being conceidid but they always end up telling me they have feelings for me, and It just turns me off, and if not feelings than crush feelings

 

I think when a girl and guy are friends, they confuse their friendship with a crush feeling because there since their the oppisite sex and being nice to eachother( like how they would be with friends) they consider it a crush, I would love to have guy friends, but its hard to manage

[Pyro]

From what I've read so far this is my conclusion, its all about the person. Some have the will power to say "I really love the frienship I have with this person and I will not jeopardize our friendship by acting on my attraction." And some don't.

 

I think some of you are missing the point or maybe I just didn't make myself clear. I know 2 people of the opposite sex can be friends as in "Hey Mary whats up? How was your weekend? Wanna go grab a bite for lunch?"

What I meant was, can you be friend with someone and see them on a regular basis and not ever once have a sexual thought towards them or feelings of emotion (e.g. Tom is such a sweet guy, if only I could find someone like him to have a relationship with)

 

Obviously you are not friends w/someone you don't like right? So when you have a friendship with one of the opposite sex then you like they''re personality, they're sense of humor, they're charactor...I know as a women I get vulnerable and I have been known to turn to my guy friends for that void I need to be filled because all of the sudden I realize they have all the qualities I want in a relationship. Usually this turns into a disaster of course. This happened with my son's bio father. We were stricly friends. No kissing, no fooling around, I was not even the slightest bit attracted to him and I cherished our friendship. We spent at least 4-6 days out of the week together at the beach or the pool, at each others place, eating out, going for drives, watching movies... Then one night he was staying the night at my house, and it just happened. We were both horny and noone was there but us, so it was like, "Hhmm, what the hell?" Long story short, we are no longer friends.

 

I'm not saying that men and women can't converse and even hang out occasionally, but I think at some point we all start to wonder what it would be like to be involved with each other, wether physically or emotionally.

 

I have had a female friend since highschool. We have been friends while we were both single and while we were both in relationships and while one of us was and was not in a relationship. It does vary from person to person but being friends is possible. I have been friends with this girl for a long time. No romantic or sexual feelings at all. We have gone to concerts together, drank together. She is one of my closest friends, and likewise for her.

[Quinch]

My best friend is a girl. We got on fine until she broke up with her boyfriend and then the question of being more than friends was raised. It caused some friction for a while but we settled down again. She's happily married now (to someone else) and its cool. Nowadays I just think of her as the little sister I never had and, if we had got together, it would have been a mistake for both of us. I would have lost my best mate.

[noclobber]

I think you are right.

 

In my opinion men and women can be friends if its only at a casual level. But like you said if they meet on a regular basis so often then there is every potential for some feelings to arise. But I think even in this scenario a woman can still see the guy as just a friend but I doubt whether the guy can feel the same.

 

I have been in this situation. My female friend used to meet me for lunch 3 to 4 times a week and every week. It's always me that she wants to have lunch with... if i say no then she will find someone else, a colleague or other friends. This went for like 7 months. We also hung out for movies, games, concerts etc... just the 2 of us. Some where down the line I developed feelings for her and assumed she felt the same too. But she clearly said that she only sees me as a friend. It's surprising for me but I do believe that a woman can meet a guy so regularly and so often and still see him only as a friend.

 

I have now distanced myself from her... that's a different story..

 

From what I've read so far this is my conclusion, its all about the person. Some have the will power to say "I really love the frienship I have with this person and I will not jeopardize our friendship by acting on my attraction." And some don't.

 

I think some of you are missing the point or maybe I just didn't make myself clear. I know 2 people of the opposite sex can be friends as in "Hey Mary whats up? How was your weekend? Wanna go grab a bite for lunch?"

What I meant was, can you be friend with someone and see them on a regular basis and not ever once have a sexual thought towards them or feelings of emotion (e.g. Tom is such a sweet guy, if only I could find someone like him to have a relationship with)

 

Obviously you are not friends w/someone you don't like right? So when you have a friendship with one of the opposite sex then you like they''re personality, they're sense of humor, they're charactor...I know as a women I get vulnerable and I have been known to turn to my guy friends for that void I need to be filled because all of the sudden I realize they have all the qualities I want in a relationship. Usually this turns into a disaster of course. This happened with my son's bio father. We were stricly friends. No kissing, no fooling around, I was not even the slightest bit attracted to him and I cherished our friendship. We spent at least 4-6 days out of the week together at the beach or the pool, at each others place, eating out, going for drives, watching movies... Then one night he was staying the night at my house, and it just happened. We were both horny and noone was there but us, so it was like, "Hhmm, what the hell?" Long story short, we are no longer friends.

 

I'm not saying that men and women can't converse and even hang out occasionally, but I think at some point we all start to wonder what it would be like to be involved with each other, wether physically or emotionally.

[noclobber]

My best friend is a girl. We got on fine until she broke up with her boyfriend and then the question of being more than friends was raised. It caused some friction for a while but we settled down again. She's happily married now (to someone else) and its cool. Nowadays I just think of her as the little sister I never had and, if we had got together, it would have been a mistake for both of us. I would have lost my best mate.

 

Why do you think it would have been a mistake? I think some of the best relationships start from being friends first.

[Tim'sAngel]

We also hung out for movies, games, concerts etc... just the 2 of us. Some where down the line I developed feelings for her and assumed she felt the same too. But she clearly said that she only sees me as a friend. It's surprising for me but I do believe that a woman can meet a guy so regularly and so often and still see him only as a friend.

 

I have now distanced myself from her... that's a different story..

 

I went thru a similar situation with a male friend of mine. We met up once or twice a week to hang out, and from the begining I told him I wasn't looking for a relationship, just new friends. He said he was ok with that, but his actions said different. He was always trying to make excuses to feel me up, slap my butt, hug me. At first it was ok because he was just "joking around" then it started gettings annoying and I had to tell him to stop. He would get mad. We woudln't talk for awhile, then he would call back and apologize and everything would be ok. He took me out for my 21st and of course I got wasted. Stupid idea. I ended up making out with him and doing some other things I wish I wouldn't have done. We didn't have sex but we did enough to make him crazy over me. I was so disgusted w/myself.

 

We no longer are friends. I see him online like once every 5 or 6 months and we will say hi how are you.

[Kittiecat]

I think it's far too complicated for men and women to be "true" friends. Acquaintences, yes, friends...I just don't think so. People like to think that they've evolved past their basic instinctual desire for sex, but when it comes down to it, we're all at the mercy of biology. Who wants to constantly suppress their sexual feelings for a "friend?" It sounds pretty tiresome to me.

 

I also think a lot of male/female friendships are based on some form of ego stroking. Yes, I think it is sort of an ego boost for a woman to have male friends, and vice versa, but nobody likes to admit it. A lot of times that platonic friendship is a "break glass in case of emergency" situation (I got that from Chris Rock, btw.)

 

And call me old fashioned...but I will never understand a man wanting to be friends with a woman (at least without the intention of getting into her pants). I suppose in my old fashioned mind men are supposed to have only male friends with whom they bond over sporting events, etc. There is absolutely no talking about feelings. So for a man to be friends with a woman, to sit around and talk about feelings, just seems abnormal to me. Again, I know I am in the minority, but I just had to share (I am a woman, after all, and we're the ones who do all the sharing ).

 

Also - I think that once you are in a seriously relationship with someone it is time to cool off your platonic male/female friendships. Again, I'm sure I'm in the minority here, but by keeping that special friend around, doing things together, just the two of you, and confiding your deepest, darkest secrets...well, you will do nothing but upset your significant other.

 

Anyway...that's my 2 cents.

[Pyro]

I think it's far too complicated for men and women to be "true" friends. Acquaintences, yes, friends...I just don't think so. People like to think that they've evolved past their basic instinctual desire for sex, but when it comes down to it, we're all at the mercy of biology. Who wants to constantly suppress their sexual feelings for a "friend?" It sounds pretty tiresome to me.

 

I also think a lot of male/female friendships are based on some form of ego stroking. Yes, I think it is sort of an ego boost for a woman to have male friends, and vice versa, but nobody likes to admit it. A lot of times that platonic friendship is a "break glass in case of emergency" situation (I got that from Chris Rock, btw.)

 

And call me old fashioned...but I will never understand a man wanting to be friends with a woman (at least without the intention of getting into her pants). I suppose in my old fashioned mind men are supposed to have only male friends with whom they bond over sporting events, etc. There is absolutely no talking about feelings. So for a man to be friends with a woman, to sit around and talk about feelings, just seems abnormal to me. Again, I know I am in the minority, but I just had to share (I am a woman, after all, and we're the ones who do all the sharing ).

 

Also - I think that once you are in a seriously relationship with someone it is time to cool off your platonic male/female friendships. Again, I'm sure I'm in the minority here, but by keeping that special friend around, doing things together, just the two of you, and confiding your deepest, darkest secrets...well, you will do nothing but upset your significant other.

 

Anyway...that's my 2 cents.

 

Speaking from my own experience, you can be friends with the opposite sex. There is nothing complicated about it. I am friends with females that I have no sexual desire for and ones that I click with. I have introduced my GF to all my female friends and everything is cool. Trust me, I would not be involved in any type of friendship if I were attracted to or interested in the female. It has nothing to do with my ego. I am friends with these females because they are fun to hang out with and I can get advice from them and vice versa. Having female friends helps me understand the female mind when it comes to certain topics.

[mini696]

The problem with guys is 100% want to get into your pants, but the good thing is that 50% of those ones are in control of themselves enough not to try anything.

 

Yes guys and girls can just be friends, but it takes control and understanding from both sides.

[playboy]

men and can just be friends. i myself have many women friends . we never have thought anything more than this . i know many more men who have friends like them . i just cant understand why people think that men and women cant be friends xcept than lovers or anything else !!!

[vi_pn_babe25]

It is complicated to have guys just as friends. Although, I'd rather have more guy friends than girl friends because I get along with them better. To me, girls (unless they are my good friends & similar to me) tend to start drama with me. But it's true most of the guys I've been friends with want to be more than just friends with me. So it's hard to tell if guys are just in it to be your real friend or just to get in your pants! But I can honeslty say even though I've told them that I just want to be friends and nothing more, knowing they probably can't get any further, they still are my friends So as long as you make it clear in the beginning what your intentions are, you can actually be "just friends" with guys. And yes sometimes you can develop feelings for one another, but you have to decide what you want and then take it from there.