It started as a Relationship, but ended as a benefit friend

[concretelove]

Ok folks, This is a first for me using this venue for feedback.

Here I go; I entered into a serious relationship with a man I've known for over 12 yrs. We lost contact both of us got married and divorce.

Our past was nothing more than friends sharing in a lot of social gatherings at my place. After 6 yrs. we run into each other and he expresses right off the back the crush he always had for me and wanted to date. I certainly suggested he take the time and think about it. We are both establish and have accomplished our set goals up till this point, so the relationship started Oct 05 and end right after Thanksgiving. Up to that point things were great!

 

We spent all of our time together even with both families at Thanksgiving.

He indicated I crossed a boundary by tossing his dishes and replacing them with new ones. That was a big no, no for him. Time passed and he called in Jan 06 wanting to know if I was dating or seeing anyone? Of course I believe in free enterprise and said yes I was, nothing serious though.

He stated he always loved me and we should remain sexual friends since the relationship ended. We ultimately became lovers spending a lot of time together as though we never broke up. We concluded that the relationship ended because he felt I did what I wanted to.

Nevertheless, everything was going Great once again until I took ill with MS in March. He was there taking care of me until I went out had an accident and "he expressed how glad he was that I was not his girlfriend, because I would drive him crazy". That bothered me and I ended the relationship in March. Now May comes he calls back and we're seeing each other again as friends, but we got intimate again. Interesting thing is that it is more than sex it's that we enjoy each others company and conversations. We can setback together for hours and and just be.

 

However,each time we end and get back together it seems as though it's better than the last. He says I'm a wonderful woman incredibly smart woman just hard-head..... We spent a lot of time together my place and his place, but he insist we are not in a relationship so when I do go out he's always questioning who the guy is. Our agreement or his was if we met someone in the mist we'd stop seeing each other, but I love him an he says he loves me. We connect on every level and are very much alike in a lot of areas. I think he is seeing women when he goes home for the weekend. Since he stays in the city during the week.

 

He has always been consistent and accountable until this weekend when he never called when he normally does a few times a day. Can I assume he on his dating thing as well? We agreed we would be sexual with each other no one else, but the last time I was at his place I noticed a woman hair shed and shower cap was in his bathroom. He said she was a friend that stayed over, but nothing sexual. He knows a lot of women and me a lot of men, but he is the only one I slept with since my divorce 3 yrs ago. He said he had high thoughts on marrying me, but after the breakup he doesn't want to get into any relationship and believes he is suppose to be single. He also said with me we connect so greatly that we are a perfect fit since I too don't want a relationship and enjoy each others company, but in my heart I want us to be exclusive again. He is quite arrogant an cocky and when things go wrong he's cold as ice and will not speak to me for a month or so. Which is confusing and he say very rude things.

Sounds like he is controlling the situation and I'm following the beat of his drum is this worth keeping or getting out while the getting good. We always express our love to one another, but there's no true relationship or is it? He say it isn't. Help me make since of this mess.....

 

Forgive the typos MS is a mother.................

[SuperMonk]

I didn't read your long post so I'm going to say this:

 

I tried FWB after a relationship once, and never again. I think as a man I do not want to placed on a position of just sexual benefits. I want to be HER MAN, not some pleasure bot. I like deep companionship and etc. I feel girls don't mind being in this position, but then again they aren't like the 15%+ of men who are honorable in themselves and for others. Several past girlfriends would try to do this, but I cut them off as if they don't exist anymore, not even that so called "breakup sex" . I'd rather jerk off than deal with someone who is not honorable or respectful.

 

Stop doing FWB, and achieve respect. Women have no honor but they can get respect.

[masala]

women have no honor???

[Guest]

gosh - in a way I'm jealous, because at least your guy calls sometimes. But this kind of relationship would be very hard on me. I guess it depends on what you want. what works for you.

 

If he says it's not a relationship, well, then it sounds like sex. and if it's okay with you, then it's okay. But it sounds like this is sitting well with you.

 

For me, if I'm going to be sleeping with someone, I think I need them to be in contact with me. It's INTIMACY. You don't just up and disappear when you are intimate. You gotta be there for the other person. At least check in. Do you call him? Does he return your call?

 

He does sound like he's controlling the situation. Arghh, this has to be so frustrating. I had a boyfriend years ago who did this and it made me crazy. It was very unhealthy for me.

 

By the way - I don't by the woman friend staying over. If a woman friend is spending the night at a man's house I think they're pretty close. I would have questions. And if you're intimate with this guy, you have a right to ask questions. From the sounds of your letter, you don't sound happy with how this is working out. I sure can empathize, because a beautiful sexy man kept me on a line like that for a very long time and it was so so bad for me. I hope when my divorce is final I will be strong enough to not get into a sitation like this, but I do understand how tricky it can be.

 

best wishes and good luck. take care of your heart.