CrumblingWalls Posted May 14, 2006 Share Posted May 14, 2006 Hello everyone, I am looking for some good advice. I am a 30 year old woman who has a 12 year old son. I have been in a relationship with an awesome man for about 2 1/2 years. He is my soul mate and I would do anything for him. We get along great but a couple weeks ago his father passed away and it has not been going so well. I know that there are the 5 stages of grieving but I don't know how long I can take this! Last week he dropped the ball and said that he wanted to start going out with his guy friends and I am the reason he is having financial difficulties and so on. I was the scapegoat. He basically lives with me and said that paying to live here is killing him financially. He pays 1/2 the bills (which equal about 120 and then buys groceries every other week). He told me that he did not think that he could give me what I want, which is marriage. I would like to get married to him in a few years but this is because I thought he felt the same way. Just this weekend he went to his fathers funeral with his mom and did not bother to call me until yesterday to tell me that he was not going to come until today. Well it is today and I have not heard from him. I am dying inside and cannot focus on anything right now! Happy mothers day to me! Anyone with advice because I am scared he is going to push me so far away that I will hate him!!!!!!! Help... Link to post Share on other sites
Mirage222 Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 120 bucks and groceries every other week... comon' this is the year 2006! If he says your wrecking him financially for that little amount of money then let him go and get his own place.. he will be paying 4x that amount. Either he is just putting the "your wrecking me finanacially" schpeel for you to say pay nothing- live here for free or he is looking for a way to jet out of the relationship. For get about him. He is telling you he does not want to marry him so believe him... Worry about you and your kid. He is just not that into you obviously. Sounds like a free loader to me.. and disrespectful for not even calling you. I understand he is greving from his dad but that is not reason for him to take out his hurt on you - hurting you in the end. Not fair. and certainly not normal in a secure relationship... Just my opnion. Link to post Share on other sites
baby_nk Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 If his father has died, I guess its possible that he is really hurt. Sometimes when ur irritated and hurt, u take it out on others. Maybe the way he is reacting is simply coz of his fathers death. I know what he is sayin sounds harsh but maybe its just a phase. U should certainlt make it clear to him that 120 is not alot to pay in these days and times. It does sound quite strange for him to be saying these things. But sometimes, people just dont know how stupid what they are saying sound sin these situations. I know how u feel tho, ur not alone. Please have a look at my post and give me some honest opinions if u can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrumblingWalls Posted May 17, 2006 Author Share Posted May 17, 2006 He has been pretty good lately. I told him to stay at his own place to get his thoughts together. I have specifically asked him if he does not want to be together then I will go on my way but he swears he just needs this time because he has so many thoughts running through his mind. He owns his own business that is not doing so great because of all of the time he has had to take off. He also owns his own house and basically moved in here and neglected his house so he was paying everything for his own house and then on this house. I know I did not ask for a lot but I do really think this is a phase. Hopefully I can stick it out because I would like it to work. We'll see... I will definitely take a look at your post & thanks for the response! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Stick around and just be there for him. 2 weeks is not a long time at all when dealing with the death of a parent. People grieve at different stages and who knows where he is in the steps. Life is just like this, especially during the rough times like right now. You can't bail on him because he's not putting you first or putting much into the relationship. It's all give and take, sometimes you put in more, at times he'll put in more, but hopefully things equal out and become a balance. Trust him to sort things out. If the situation was reversed I don't think you'd want him to bail on you when the bad times hit you, right? Can I ask? If there was a ring on your ring, would you still be feeling this way? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Forgot to add... If in another few weeks his behaviour hasn't settled down, meaning him going out when he feels like it or hanging with friends, that is when to have more of a discussion with him. OH and just because he's lost his father, it doesn't give him the right or excuse to take it out on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrumblingWalls Posted May 17, 2006 Author Share Posted May 17, 2006 Thanks for the advice. I am trying to stick by him. I have pulled up a lot on the "5 steps of grieving" and this is definitely one of them. It said that he will find a "scapegoat", usually the one closest to him and he will take it out on them (that would be me). It said that this happens because the person is so overwhelmed with emotions they just don't know how to deal with it so it comes across as "anger". You asked about a ring... He actually did buy me a beautiful ring and presented it to me on our 1 year anniversary. It is a supposed "promise ring". I wear it all of the time and am very proud of it. I am trying to stay strong and positive. Thanks again for your advice! Link to post Share on other sites
BeFree Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 I feel for your guy. Why does he have his own place but still pays part of your bills. Unless you are offically living together then he should not be obligated to this. If he wants to help you out once in awhile then that's great, but until he offically lives with you. Not just spending all his time with you, then don't expect this. As for grieving. Sorry but it's not just 5 steps that you sit back and watch him go through and hope he gets past them real fast so you can go on with your life. It is a long painful process and he will have to deal with it his way in his own time. The worst is yet to come. And it may be over a year before he starts to feel like himself. So give him little space. You will only push him away by waiting for him to hurry up and get through those"5 stages." Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrumblingWalls Posted May 18, 2006 Author Share Posted May 18, 2006 Let me explain the bill situation. Up until 1 week ago he stayed at the house every night. He slept, showered, ate, yard work, etc. He told everyone we lived together. It was our house. We discussed him renting his house out or selling it because of the money burden. He offered to pay 1/2 the bills because he lived there. I did not make him pay, he offered. As for the "5 steps", trust me I don't expect them to be over with like that. I just expect a little respect. I am trying to stay strong for him but sometimes it gets hard to see your best friend go through this without being able to help him at all. Link to post Share on other sites
BeFree Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 You can't help him. He has to have a lot of time to be completely selfish. Ask anyone who has ever lost a parent, a sibbling or a spouse. Only time and sometimes counseling makes it easier. Just give him his space to deal with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrumblingWalls Posted May 19, 2006 Author Share Posted May 19, 2006 You know the hardest thing is we have a cruise coming up in 2 days and he is being so damn stubborn, I don't think he will be going. It is too late for me to have anyone else come on it because the tickets are in his name, etc. I am losing my mind! Link to post Share on other sites
ridingthebulls Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 120 bucks is killing him financially? youve got to be kidding me. this goof is feeding you a bunch of bs. tell him to get his lazy ass up and get a real job. with low bills like that, he should be paying 100% that ass. KICK him to the curb. he sounds like a real loser ass. Link to post Share on other sites
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