A sad talk

[nepoc54]

After dinner and drinks with friends last week, we ended up back at my house to relax and talk. After a few hours, with Friday between me and the weekend, I decided to head downstairs and go to bed. Shortly after falling asleep, a close female friend I have feelings for came in and wanted to talk. We had been getting along well and I thought we were heading in a more serious direction but the conversation soon proved that was not true. She apologized for waking me up but explained that she had to talk and she was making an assumption I had feelings for her. In the haze of sleepiness and surprise, I told her I definitely did. In the end, what was basically said was that there simply was nothing there for her and that she understood if I didn't want to see her again.

 

What makes this especially difficult is that she works with my male roommate who is also good friends with her. My roommate and I have been friends for years and this was surprisingly the first time we have encountered the situation. She said she did not want this to hurt that friendship but I have a feeling that will be difficult to accomplish.

 

I have spent the last few days trying to sort this out and do not seem to be any farther along than when I started. I wish I could make the romantic feelings for her just go away and have everyone just be great friends but I haven't been able to do so. I don't know how I am going to react the next time I see her and especially so if she is with someone. We talked last night and it actually went quite well but when we got off the phone, the sadness returned as I knew it wasn't going to happen.

 

Thanks for listening. Any thoughts?

[midori]

Thanks for listening. Any thoughts?

Well, yeah.

 

The first thing that came to mind as I read your story was, "why did she feel the need to come down to your room uninvited and wake you up in order to tell you that she wasn't attracted to you?" Unless you'd been blatantly hitting on her and had crossed the line of friendship, I don't understand why it was so urgent to tell you right then and there. Seems to me to be rather thoughtless on her part, surely she could have waited until she next met you in a conscious state to break the bad news to you. I'm sure it wasn't an easy topic to bring up but her timing was appalling.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling sad now, it's perfectly understandable. The best thing might be to cool it for a while with her. If talking on the phone makes you sad, you shouldn't. Being friends with someone doesn't oblige you to engage with them at a cost to your own emotional well-being. You don't have to terminate the friendship or avoid her at all costs; just keep your distance until the sadness has subsided a bit. If she protests that she hadn't wanted to spoil the friendship, tell her that she hasn't, you just need to re-group now that your hopes have been dashed. If she's really your friend, she'll understand.

[nepoc54]

Hi,

 

Although I wasn't making much of an effort to hide my feelings, my interactions with her were really no different than our other close friends. After thinking about this and reading your response, I am encouraged to ask her why in the world she decided to do it when she did. Your last sentence in the first paragraph really says it.

 

We have talked twice since this happened and it appears we are heading along the lines of your thoughts and taking our time. If anything, I feel like I have opened my eyes and mind more than before and noticed what else is out there.

 

I'm curious how I will react when I see her with someone else...

 

Thanks for listening and the advice,

 

nepoc54

Well, yeah. The first thing that came to mind as I read your story was, "why did she feel the need to come down to your room uninvited and wake you up in order to tell you that she wasn't attracted to you?" Unless you'd been blatantly hitting on her and had crossed the line of friendship, I don't understand why it was so urgent to tell you right then and there. Seems to me to be rather thoughtless on her part, surely she could have waited until she next met you in a conscious state to break the bad news to you. I'm sure it wasn't an easy topic to bring up but her timing was appalling.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling sad now, it's perfectly understandable. The best thing might be to cool it for a while with her. If talking on the phone makes you sad, you shouldn't. Being friends with someone doesn't oblige you to engage with them at a cost to your own emotional well-being. You don't have to terminate the friendship or avoid her at all costs; just keep your distance until the sadness has subsided a bit. If she protests that she hadn't wanted to spoil the friendship, tell her that she hasn't, you just need to re-group now that your hopes have been dashed. If she's really your friend, she'll understand.

[Gimbal]

What a s#it of situation.

 

Been there once too many times myself.. but enough of the drippy stuff..

 

Yeah it hurt. It hurt bad. I'd have to say watch out for the shock reaction, especially if you do see her with another person. Thats really bites. I had a situation once where the girl I was interested in, her boyfriend who was my best friend, and I were all living together. No, a threesome did not occur, much to my disappointment. :-P

 

But I'm still friends with her boyfriend, and I just had to distance myself from her.

 

It is fully understandable that you'd want to avoid her for a couple of days/weeks. Thats just part of the process.

 

However things for me just never went back to the way they were. Expect that.

 

This maybe not what you want to hear, but it's the honest brutal truth. She will probably never look at you in 'that' way, no matter how you try. Women's hearts, once they put guys into the 'friends only' pile, it can never change. It's set in stone.

 

The second time this happened, I tried my best to hang around like nothing happened but it was like twisting a knife.. enuf said.

 

In the end I opted to leave town, and it probably was the best thing I ever did. It was affecting my job performance and quality of life badly enough, so I had to bite the bullet and leave.

 

I haven't look back since. It's one chapter of my life I am glad is past. Sure I get the occasional tinge of sadness about what could of been, but I've got other things to bury myself in. (Job, alcohol, cash :- ) I don't think I ever been happier!

 

Good luck mate...