Husband moved out - FINALLY!

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Hello!

 

So I have finally moved into the Separation/Divorce forum.

My husband has moved out. He wants to get back together... but I am unsure how this will be better. You see, I have lost all hope that he will change.

 

A little background: A couple of days ago, I got the book, When you love a man who loves himself. It is about Narcissists.... I have lived with my husband for so long and I have always been confused about him. I learned from LS members that he could be an N, so hence, I read the book. I am sad to say that he fits an N at about 90%. He hasn't cheated on me yet (not that I know of at least), but almost every description of an N in that book was definitely him. It explained a lot.

 

I don't know why I am posting. I am not even sad. I am a little anxious as to how the future holds... but I am a little excited about this aspect, too. My parents are not taking the separation so well - they like him because they don't know the real him and because he is financially stable.

 

Maybe I have some issues. But I don't want to live like this any more. Most of all, I hate him. He doesn't want to change, but expect me to. He doesn't treat me with love and respect. I am 33 years old, and I don't want to take crap from him any more. Do I make sense? I really want to proceed with the divorce, but I have not contacted a lawyer yet.

 

I am feeling calm now... I don't know why. Perhaps it is because it is finally 'over'? I want to say that I feel liberated... but that probably makes me sound like a *itch? I don't know what I should *feel* yet!!

[Curmudgeon]

I think it makes you sound fine and emotionally healthy. I remember when I finally received my final divorce papers and my first reaction was a profound sense of relief. I felt much the same way when the ex and I separated. Peace, and quiet returned to my life and I came to love the solitude. It was all so uncomplicated.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

C.

Thank you for posting. I will need a lot of strength in the coming weeks - so that I won't fall into his lies and take him back. I need to remember that I want the divorce. I want to be free.

[Curmudgeon]

Freedom's good! We're very much in favor of freedom.

 

If you start to weaken just recall how lovely and peaceful it is to have no one to answer to but yourself. I think that's what I enjoyed most after 25 years with a narcissistic controller. I've never had a moment of regret and my life now is infinitely better than it ever was then.

[2sunny]

I agree with C=Lion.

 

I found myself in your position last summer when I asked my hubby of 20 years to move because it was the secomd time he cheated.

 

Even though we had Soooo much fun while we were together, it was soooo sad when he was making me wonder if he was faithful!

 

I never - during these times said anything to him about my suspicions.

 

He was a wonderful person in many ways - but self centered, demanding and a perfectionist at every turn!

 

When he was no longer here - it was peaceful. I have had a great sense of loving my solitutde without demands. I had not been "allowed" to take a nap in 20 years! I can now lay down to rest if I want to... and no one to tell me what else needs to be done before I go to bed at night!

 

I understand the concept that C=Lion describes. To be alone is not to be lonely!

 

I do miss him in a lot of areas of my life - but I also am so happy to be with myself that it makes everything alright. I can read, do a puzzle, go for a walk or to the beach without anyone being mad that I wasn't home to keep his "perfect" life just absolutely in order.

 

Yes, I feel relieved at times.... and life does go on. I can enjoy someones company and time on MY own terms.... and make choices without that other influence.

 

Does any of this make sense.... as I am rambling now??????

[dgiirl]

Sunny, makes a lot of sense to me. The nicest thing about being single is you get to decide what to do when you want to do it and the only one to yell at is yourself. The only thing that scares me is I might not ever want to live with someone ever again.

[Curmudgeon]

It makes perfectly good sense to me. There's nothing worse that smother-love and being stifled by someone else in your life. One of the things I value most about my wife is that she affords me alone time if I want or need it cheerfully and without rebuke, as I do for her. We're both competent adfults, fully capable of being independent, making our own decisions in life and are together because we choose to be and enhance one another.

[2sunny]

Sunny, makes a lot of sense to me. The nicest thing about being single is you get to decide what to do when you want to do it and the only one to yell at is yourself. The only thing that scares me is I might not ever want to live with someone ever again.

 

 

I know what you mean.

 

Because I love being with myself alone as much as socializing with others - anyone I seem to date seems to want to put the squeeze on me.

 

When I say that I'm not sure if I will ever get married again, they immediately say "but you were always a great wife and you would make a great catch."

 

No demands is easier - especially when it is just fun when you want to enjoy someone's company!

 

Keep in mind - I have two teenage boys and love having their friends around, and I am one of nine children - and most of us live here in this small town, so I really don't have time to be bored.....

[Curmudgeon]

And you don't have to. Many people make it just fine alone and are never lonely. You don't have to be once you become your own best friend and learn to enjoy your own company.

[2sunny]

And you don't have to. Many people make it just fine alone and are never lonely. You don't have to be once you become your own best friend and learn to enjoy your own company.

 

 

I swear we knew each other somewhere along the way in life C=Lion :love: You are a love.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Thanks for your posts. Since I found this site, I've been a more independent person. I am so thankful for your words!

 

Right now, everything is still so fresh. I feel alright, and I hope that I won't miss him. I hope that I will be able to stay strong for myself and my children. Our marriage was just full of hatred and anger on my part while he felt that everything was fine. Really, when he talks to friends, he still brags about being in love with me. But when we are alone - then the other side of him comes out. He is so emotionless and callous. For all these years, I thought it was just something I did.

 

Anyway. Being on LS gave me a new perspective and hopefully, I will have the strength to walk to the finish line!

 

Thanks all!

[Curmudgeon]

Stranger things have happened so we may have! I think you're pretty special too. :love:

[Touche]

Thanks for your posts. Since I found this site, I've been a more independent person. I am so thankful for your words!

 

Right now, everything is still so fresh. I feel alright, and I hope that I won't miss him. I hope that I will be able to stay strong for myself and my children. Our marriage was just full of hatred and anger on my part while he felt that everything was fine. Really, when he talks to friends, he still brags about being in love with me. But when we are alone - then the other side of him comes out. He is so emotionless and callous. For all these years, I thought it was just something I did.

 

Anyway. Being on LS gave me a new perspective and hopefully, I will have the strength to walk to the finish line!

 

Thanks all!

 

Does this mean you're free to pursue me now without any guilt?

 

Seriously, KnowKnow, good luck! This can't be an easy time for you. We're here for you!

[a4a]

KHLF don't feel guilty about feeling good... that does not make you a evil she beast.

 

When a person in your life gives you more negatives than positives there is really not much else you can do but to remove them from your life. You cannot change them, and you certainly should not change yourself to be accepting of their negative ways. That serves no purpose except to spend the rest of your life being miserable while you serve as a doormat.

 

If you start feeling down I will call the LIC board members and see if we can expedite your membership

 

Hang in there and for crying out loud enjoy your new situation....... start doing things for yourself.

[Ladyjane14]

My husband has moved out. He wants to get back together... but I am unsure how this will be better.

 

How did he manage to move out and 'want to get back together' all at the same time?

Does this guy just not know what the heck he wants? That doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

 

Anyway, from what other folks have told me....initially separation feels a bit weird, but also a relief too. When conflict has become intense, it stands to reason that a respite from it would feel pretty good.

 

If he's wanting to reconcile, he'll be trying to negotiate that with you. You seem to be pretty certain that you want a divorce, but if there's any doubt in your mind...NOW is the time to insist that he get some anger management therapy. (I still don't like the idea of him busting your things up when he's mad. That's out-of-control behavior, and NO ONE should put up with it.)

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

How did he manage to move out and 'want to get back together' all at the same time?

Does this guy just not know what the heck he wants? That doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

 

LadyJane,

wise and observant as usual! To tell you the truth... he didn't want to move out. The court ordered him to do so! I don't want to go into details... let's just say that the navigation system in my car - among other things - were broken this time.

 

 

Anyway, from what other folks have told me....initially separation feels a bit weird, but also a relief too. When conflict has become intense, it stands to reason that a respite from it would feel pretty good.

 

If he's wanting to reconcile, he'll be trying to negotiate that with you. You seem to be pretty certain that you want a divorce, but if there's any doubt in your mind...NOW is the time to insist that he get some anger management therapy. (I still don't like the idea of him busting your things up when he's mad. That's out-of-control behavior, and NO ONE should put up with it.)

 

Well, he can't contact me for a while. And I am talking to a divorce lawyer.

 

(Wish me good luck. Sometimes, I want to have him back - only because I am frightened by the unknown. )

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Does this mean you're free to pursue me now without any guilt?

 

Seriously, KnowKnow, good luck! This can't be an easy time for you. We're here for you!

 

 

Touche,

 

Aaahh.. you are my first online lover. You will always have a special place in my heart.

 

I don't have much dating experience... and I think I will be alone for a LOOOONG time! Let me know when your D is final.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

If you start feeling down I will call the LIC board members and see if we can expedite your membership

 

Hang in there and for crying out loud enjoy your new situation....... start doing things for yourself.

 

:lmao:

 

Gosh, you are always so funny! Thanks for the 'special' service for me. I love the female scent... I'm salivating with just the tought (ok.. that was gross.... )

[Ladyjane14]

...he didn't want to move out. The court ordered him to do so!

 

Well, that explains it. Although I'm sorry to hear it's gone down this way.

 

Hopefully, he'll take this opportunity to get some help with his anger issues. No matter the outcome on the marriage, it will improve him considerably to get a handle on his temper.

 

(Why is it these "angry guys" don't learn until it's too late???)

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Ok.. I went grocery shopping, and I couldn't help looking at the types of food that he likes to eat!! Geez... what's wrong with me?? Now I feel extremely guilty... because I put him the situation that he is in! I can't help thinking, "I am eating blackberries, but what does he get to eat?" I am sooo miserable! I wish it didn't have to end this way!

 

Is this the way it always ends? Both parties feeling miserable and lonely? The weirdest part: when he was home, I didn't even want to be near him. When I was on vacation, I did not even miss him! And now this!

 

What's wrong with me?????????

[a4a]

That is kinda normal. Been there done that. Give it some time...... keep busy.

You did not put him in the position........ HE DID.

 

Nobody made him do the things he chose to do.

 

What would you tell a friend right now in the same position as you are in?

 

Now if you don't lighten up I will call a special meeting of the LIC board and we will be forced to abduct you and stuff you in a flannel shirt and force you to watch Ellen reruns for 72 hours "straight"! It is our new program called scared gay...similar to the scared straight program but involves show tunes, field hockey and rainbow colored semi precious gemstone rings.

[a4a]

good golly women activate your PM option..... I got a funny for ya!

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

That is kinda normal. Been there done that. Give it some time...... keep busy.

You did not put him in the position........ HE DID.

 

Nobody made him do the things he chose to do.

 

What would you tell a friend right now in the same position as you are in?

 

Now if you don't lighten up I will call a special meeting of the LIC board and we will be forced to abduct you and stuff you in a flannel shirt and force you to watch Ellen reruns for 72 hours "straight"! It is our new program called scared gay...similar to the scared straight program but involves show tunes, field hockey and rainbow colored semi precious gemstone rings.

 

Wow, Wow, Wow!!

 

You are just made me laugh my butt off again!

 

Scared gay, huh? I may actually like that!

 

Seriously,

Do you think that I am having these feelings because I still love him? We've been married 10 years, have 3 kids together, a bunch of properties, and a new company. Sometimes, I feel that I should stick out this marriage for these material things.... You know, we've worked so hard for all these things. And now... who knows what will happen?

[Touche]

NO. It's NOT worth it. You deserve to be happy and not live with a man you have absolutely no feelings for. Of course, a part of you still loves him. It wouldn't be normal if you didn't. You had kids together, a life.

 

And as funny as A is, she hit the nail right on the head..was going to respond saying the same thing and that is that YOU did NOT put him in this position. He's now suffering the consequences of HIS actions. So don't lay that guilt trip on yourself. Lay it at his feet where it belongs.

 

Oh and I'm not planning on getting divorced, KnowHow..it will have to just stay a fantasy I guess..Oh well:love:

[dgiirl]

One question for you... Do you want what you had because you fear you'll never find what you really want? If so, that's no reason to go back to a marriage.

 

Of course I dont know your history, but I'll assume you've tried everything you can, counselling, etc? Remember, it took both of you to make this mess, and when it's not working, sometimes it's just better to leave. But you have to honestly try everything you can to make it work, and if after that it didnt, then you've earned your way out. But of course you're still going to think about your ex. You just moved out, didnt you? I mean, if you didnt, you'd be real damn cold. It just shows that you do have a heart. Dont let the guilt of leaving, or the fear of the unknown, make you go back. You wont be doing you OR him any favours. Like LadyJane said, why not just sit back and watch what he does? See if he makes any improvements on his anger?