can it ever be truly platonic for a man?

[StrivingtoSucceed]

I want what I can't have.

 

Actually, you can. You are in a situation where you really do control your own happiness. You are just afraid to make that leap.

 

You have already said that your marriage is on its way out. Whether this single guy, or someone else will eventually be part of your future shouldn't be your decision maker in when you leave, or not.

 

You are the only one that can control your own happiness. And, as Movin said ... everyone deserves to be happy. If you read up on some of my posts you will see that I have been where you are now. Previous marriage H was abusive. I met a man that was great. FINALLY left and got a divorce. Married the man that was great. Of course, lots of stuff in-between, but I made it. So can you.

 

BTW - I was the active duty one. Ex was also active duty, but he ended up getting kicked out due to drugs. I am still here near the base and working near the base ... I am also central USA. Only two/three bases that someone might consider central ... so, if you want to talk sometime PM me.

[silentjuliet]

I haven't read all the posts on this thread ... just yours for now. However, I'd like to give you my perspective on this.

 

My H doesn't do email, however, he worked with a girl that he developed a friendship with exactly like yours. They talked everyday, NEVER about anything personal. It was always about current events, mutual working friendships, etc. He never talked about me or us (which she confirmed), never mentioned anything negative about his life at all.

 

However, once she let him know that the door was open, he started thinking "Hey, I can talk to this woman" "She makes me laugh" etc., etc. Within one week he didn't know what he wanted. Within one more week he thought he wanted to move out and move in with her (she invited him). Within one more week he realized he didn't want US to be over, but he enjoyed her friendship so much he didn't want THEM to end. Within about two more weeks he realized he wanted her just to be a friend and for the phone calls, etc., to slow down. After about one more month, he didn't really want anything to do with her anymore except for work.

 

Not saying that he doesn't miss the friendship she provided during a time he needed it, but he wasn't the type of person to be o.k. with having an affair and it did screw him up big time just considering it. To me, he had an EA with her.

 

So, in answer to your question of can a man really be platonic, I think they can. My husband was. That is, until she made sure he knew she was interested in more. Then, he started thinking with another head that wasn't as smart --- hmm, I wonder what it would be like being with someone else, maybe I am missing something here, etc., etc.

 

But, once you cross that bridge, the damage it causes to all parties involved isn't worth the risk.

 

Thank you so much for this point of view. When I try to really feel my intuitions about him (which change from day to day) the one I feel most comfortable believing and that I feel based on my knowledge of him as a person and his personal history and such ...there is an attraction somewhere such as intellectual and common interests. But not necessarily physical attraction (though I think I'm attractive) I'm not so full of an ego that I think he is or isn't unless he were to tell me and he hasn't said anything other than complimented my outfits here or there.

 

Emotionally? That one is iffy. If caring and concern are acceptable, innocent feelings/emotions then he definitely has that but not necessarily of the romantic kind.

 

And I know that he is insecure and is intimidated by women on a regular basis. Iv'e been the first woman in a year or so that he has been around that he can talk to and that he can feel comfortable with...so I think he doesn't want to lose that no matter what vibes he picks up from me. At least he was very comfortable around me until we started emailing so much. Now he gets nervous again and overly concious of appearances around others. But that started after we started emailing on a regular basis.

 

He's confusing but I think he might be like your husband ...he's torn between really needing/enjoying a friendship with opposite gender who has common interests (work, etc) but has the motivation and control to do what is right. They sound like the SAME kinds of men. Because he has a "relationship" with my H as well...they work side by side and in that respect they are committed and it's like he'd be screwing over his coworker/friend by taking it a step further with me.

 

I just wish I could stop these feelings. I dont' want them but they are here and they crept up on me. The story of how it started and transcended is interesting. When I realized I couldn't stand to not see/hear from him the realization hit me like a ton of bricks.

[scarletletter]

Maybe he is just not comfortable telling you how he feels. Maybe he is waiting for you to make the first move since you are the one that is married. I would still be very cautious. It could be very dangerous to your relationship with him if the wrong impression is given. You may gain a true love or you may lose a good friend. Tough situation.

[RideTheWave]

Your story is remarkably similar to one I find myself in. I work with a man that is in a miserable marriage. He only stays because CS would cost him too much and his wife would take the kids out of state.

 

I'm in an unhappy M, too, but not looking to do anything about it for the time being until my younger child is a little older.

 

This guy calls me if one of us misses work, joined my gym, and talks to me nonstop all day long. However, he has never ever come on to me or made me feel that I was unsafe with him. He does act jealous when another coworker talks to me too much or buys my lunch, etc., but he himself, keeps me firmly in the friendship box.

 

I think he does this for the same reason your friend does. Honor. He believes there is a right way and a wrong way to end and begin relationships and he will not compromise his values. He just not immune to chemistry and nature and is coping within those parameters.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

When I realized I couldn't stand to not see/hear from him the realization hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

Isn't this because you are getting validation from him in a sort of way that you aren't getting from your husband?

 

It is easy when you are in a bad relationship, to jump at anything/anyone that pays extra attention to you. Not saying this is what you are doing, just saying that I understand. In my previous marriage I had about seven affairs before I left. But, you know what the problem ended up being? Each time, I would then stay because of my guilt.

 

Multiple things happened during the time that I met my current H ... mentally I had made a decision that I couldn't stay in the marriage anymore for several reasons, within a week I met him, within one month I left my ex.

 

I just think that you've already made the decision to leave your marriage, you just need to act on it. While I don't think it will serve a purpose to begin a PA prior to leaving, and it might even push the guy away if you bring it up, I think it would be very important to maintain the friendship with this guy after you leave. THEN I think you would get a better understanding of how he really feels. He may really like you, but not want to cross the bridge because of his friendship with your husband ... even after you leave.

 

You know, in the case with my husband, he would have been just fine talking with her and keeping a friendship. That friendship is now no longer there b/c he knows they crossed the line, something he never wanted to do, or intended to do. He was struggling with some internal issues that had nothing to do with our marriage and she presented herself as a way out for him ... at least that is how he perceived it as she knew nothing at all about the issues he was trying to learn how to accept, only that SHE thought he was unhappy in his marriage, otherwise why would he, a married man, be talking to a single girl every day. WHich is why she let him know the door was open and that is where it all fell apart b/c then he started thinking in the wrong direction. All it ended up doing was making him more confused than ever.

[silentjuliet]

Maybe he is just not comfortable telling you how he feels. Maybe he is waiting for you to make the first move since you are the one that is married. I would still be very cautious. It could be very dangerous to your relationship with him if the wrong impression is given. You may gain a true love or you may lose a good friend. Tough situation.

 

 

You know...I slightly pressed the envelope last night. Although, he loves my poetry anyways ...I wrote one especially FOR him and that took it a step more on the affectionate route. He was very appreciative but he also moved on to another subject. Somehow, to me that was answer enough that if he has feelings for me or not he wants to keep it friendship. If I was him I wouldn't want "home wrecker" on my concious either. *sigh* I'm hoping this is an opportunity to start backing off. I think I'm going to take that one guys advice and stop emailing gradually to a stop and see if it breaks him or breaks us completely. Either way it's got to be more positive an outcome than is happening now. Bleh.

[silentjuliet]

Your story is remarkably similar to one I find myself in. I work with a man that is in a miserable marriage. He only stays because CS would cost him too much and his wife would take the kids out of state.

 

I'm in an unhappy M, too, but not looking to do anything about it for the time being until my younger child is a little older.

 

This guy calls me if one of us misses work, joined my gym, and talks to me nonstop all day long. However, he has never ever come on to me or made me feel that I was unsafe with him. He does act jealous when another coworker talks to me too much or buys my lunch, etc., but he himself, keeps me firmly in the friendship box.

 

I think he does this for the same reason your friend does. Honor. He believes there is a right way and a wrong way to end and begin relationships and he will not compromise his values. He just not immune to chemistry and nature and is coping within those parameters.

 

 

Wow, joined your gym and acts jealous! That's a sure sign of attraction. I wish this OM would go so far. But then I don't go to gyms or anything of the sort where that opportunity would present itself and although he doesn't really act jealous ...there has been only one time I've notice him do something that could be construed as jealous. I was talking to a guyfriend about a book we've both read and OM started talking to that guyfriend's wife about some other book at the same time. I glanced over at him and he was looking at me to see if I was listening as he talked to her.

 

But other than that ...that's the only time I've noticed. But then gee...when in a room full of people I give him more attention than all of them so he has very little competition.

 

As I said to another person today ...I'm going to take the advice of that one person and see if I can stop emailing him just to see what he does if anything. If he stops emailing me altogether then I got my answer and I can begin to get this heartbreak over before it gets worse. If he breaks and starts checking up on me and such ...then I will know that I'm important to him in his life in some way and maybe there is a future for us after divorce. Thanks for sharing your experience...

[silentjuliet]

Isn't this because you are getting validation from him in a sort of way that you aren't getting from your husband?

 

It is easy when you are in a bad relationship, to jump at anything/anyone that pays extra attention to you. Not saying this is what you are doing, just saying that I understand. In my previous marriage I had about seven affairs before I left. But, you know what the problem ended up being? Each time, I would then stay because of my guilt.

 

Multiple things happened during the time that I met my current H ... mentally I had made a decision that I couldn't stay in the marriage anymore for several reasons, within a week I met him, within one month I left my ex.

 

I just think that you've already made the decision to leave your marriage, you just need to act on it. While I don't think it will serve a purpose to begin a PA prior to leaving, and it might even push the guy away if you bring it up, I think it would be very important to maintain the friendship with this guy after you leave. THEN I think you would get a better understanding of how he really feels. He may really like you, but not want to cross the bridge because of his friendship with your husband ... even after you leave.

 

You know, in the case with my husband, he would have been just fine talking with her and keeping a friendship. That friendship is now no longer there b/c he knows they crossed the line, something he never wanted to do, or intended to do. He was struggling with some internal issues that had nothing to do with our marriage and she presented herself as a way out for him ... at least that is how he perceived it as she knew nothing at all about the issues he was trying to learn how to accept, only that SHE thought he was unhappy in his marriage, otherwise why would he, a married man, be talking to a single girl every day. WHich is why she let him know the door was open and that is where it all fell apart b/c then he started thinking in the wrong direction. All it ended up doing was making him more confused than ever.

 

 

I've read your email several times this morning. And it has stuck with me for the last hour. I think I'm confused for a reason. Because this is the first time a man I'm attracted to (one of the few I've felt it for since marriage) actually met me halfway to commuicate with me on a regular basis for whatever reason. For him I think he's just lonely and I'm a warm, interesting, friendly, feminine face/ear. While for me I think you could be right and I want you to be right. I woke up this morning (posting here the other day was a cry for help) and I knew I can't go on like this. My life is so confused and stressed and I hurt and worry more than I laugh and smile. And I feel no contentness until I get an email and even then his emails and presense just leaves me feeling the need that I want more and can't get it.

 

Describing it it becomes more and more a comparison to a drug addiction. I have serious doubts about his affection being mutual. And even if it was I think that his integrity trumps desires. He's been there and done the heartbreak a couple times in his life and he's proclaiming himself a loner. I think I'm safe and off limits to a point and I'm a relationship with a woman daily that doesn't have to go further than it does. I think everyone that has said it is right...he's picked up on my interest long ago and wants to keep the friendship. But he's also GOT to be flattered.

 

I think of how I have similiar interests with another guyfriend but there is no attraction physically there. And the other guyfriend cares about me but doesn't take an outward interest in communicating with me like this one does. So, I suppose it was just as you said (possibly) ...that it's the first man to give me attention like I need it in a LONG time...and that sucked me in.

 

I just really think you are right and it helps. It gives me a new perspective and I hope I can use it to back off emailing. Then maybe he'll press a bit harder to get my communication back or maybe he will just leave me alone and I'm scared to death that will probably happen but better now than later.

 

I think he's a lot like your H in this matter. If I finally divorce (yes I've made my mind and heart up over it but it's just a matter of stalling now) and he keep in touch with me then it was meant to be. *sigh* This is so hard but I'm so mentally exhausted. And I'm still grieving my father ...it just couldn't be a better time to take a step in the healthier direction.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

If he breaks and starts checking up on me and such ...then I will know that I'm important to him in his life in some way and maybe there is a future for us after divorce.

 

You are important to him ... otherwise he wouldn’t be communicating with you everyday as he is. While I understand why you are going to take the suggestion to slow down the emails and such, I don’t think that is really going to give you any more of a clear answer than you have now ... he will check up on you, that is what friends do.... but how are you going to know if he is doing so because he’s concerned as a friend, or because he wants to get involved with you in a committed relationship?

 

You’ve already let him know that your door is open by providing him with that poem. If he doesn’t do anything different with that bit of information, then you know that the relationship isn’t going to go any farther than friendship. Why ruin that friendship by not communicating with him anymore? Why even concentrate on a possible relationship with him at this point? You should focus your energies on getting out of your marriage and making yourself happy.

 

If it is meant to be with this other guy, he will come around when you are single ... doesn’t seem to me, from your posts, to be the type of guy that will make any type of move while you are otherwise engaged, nor immediately after. And, again, he may be too much of a stand-up guy to EVER get involved with a friend’s ex.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

Silent -

 

I just read your last post and I can totally understand where you are coming from. I'm at work right now, so can't really post a lot. But, I will post a little more this afternoon.

[silentjuliet]

You are important to him ... otherwise he wouldn’t be communicating with you everyday as he is. While I understand why you are going to take the suggestion to slow down the emails and such, I don’t think that is really going to give you any more of a clear answer than you have now ... he will check up on you, that is what friends do.... but how are you going to know if he is doing so because he’s concerned as a friend, or because he wants to get involved with you in a committed relationship?

 

You’ve already let him know that your door is open by providing him with that poem. If he doesn’t do anything different with that bit of information, then you know that the relationship isn’t going to go any farther than friendship. Why ruin that friendship by not communicating with him anymore? Why even concentrate on a possible relationship with him at this point? You should focus your energies on getting out of your marriage and making yourself happy.

 

If it is meant to be with this other guy, he will come around when you are single ... doesn’t seem to me, from your posts, to be the type of guy that will make any type of move while you are otherwise engaged, nor immediately after. And, again, he may be too much of a stand-up guy to EVER get involved with a friend’s ex.

 

You hope that someone feels you are as important to them as they are to you. He has done enough to prove he cares very much. But I agree with your suspicions ...he probably would never act and most likely not even afterwards. I know him pretty well now and the very thing I love the most about him is his integrity and goodness. That's the very thing that makes him continue to do the right thing. But it leads me to wonder if it is important for me to stay in his life in some manner. Realizing the reality that this is a person with whom I have no future. Realizing that there is no future with my marriage. It's a big pill to swallow.

 

 

Edit: Oh, and I did use that poem ...or decide to send it to him to be a sort of catalysts ...to see if he would react or withdraw. His reaction so far? Gratitude but continuing on the same path ...not reacting differently at all. I find that very odd. If I recieved a poem like that I would react in some way different. But alas ...

[whichwayisup]

I wrote one especially FOR him and that took it a step more on the affectionate route. He was very appreciative but he also moved on to another subject.

 

Him doing that means he is very aware of the boundries he's set-up for himself and just let it roll off his back by not reacting and not opening that door...

 

Maybe if things change at home, meaning you and your husband do split up, in time he'll be more interested, and date you in a more honest way - Start off without you being married.

[silentjuliet]

Him doing that means he is very aware of the boundries he's set-up for himself and just let it roll off his back by not reacting and not opening that door...

 

Maybe if things change at home, meaning you and your husband do split up, in time he'll be more interested, and date you in a more honest way - Start off without you being married.

 

 

That helps confirm my suspicions. I thought it was strange that he didn't react in some way different. Either withdrawing or asking me straight out what was wrong with me or reacting in a way that was more ...accepting (for lack of a better term). He was very appreciative but I could tell he let it roll off his back. That is a great phrase for this situation. That is how I interpreted the email.

 

Perhaps, he will be backing off gradually and it's too early to tell. I hope he does it gradually but does back off because I'm truly love-sick and I can't handle it. I want him to do the dirty work for me.

[silentjuliet]

I wrote this short, cryptic but reserved poem that could be seen either very friendly or on the border of romantic. His response seemed a wee bit dismissive ...he brushed on it a bit but mostly with the technical aspects to it as he's a writer as well (claims I'm a better writer everytime I show him something) and moved on. And this was the email he responded with:

 

"Thank you so much. If only I were nearly as talented or able to assign words to exact feelings, observations or perceptions - in poetry or prose. Oh well, one can dream. I could never come close to doing that justice."

 

(he moves on with another couple short paragraphs in reply to another couple subjects we were discussing and then begins to talk about another subject.)

[StrivingtoSucceed]

Realizing the reality that this is a person with whom I have no future

 

You are going into this thought process all wrong. Why can’t you have a future with him? What is stopping that? Some people are just meant to be friends, nothing more.

 

I think you are looking at him as the person to cure what is missing from your life right now. I can understand that. He is giving you what you are lacking at home - attention. But honestly, I think you are taking your feelings and putting them on him ... looking for what you want to see. But, I also think you realize that.

 

In reality, you really don’t know anything about him. He doesn’t talk about personal issues with you. You have no idea how he reacts to certain situations in a setting where he is not surrounded by other people and therefore, in his shell. He can quite possibly be a great guy. He can also quite possibly be an a**hole to those closest to him.

 

In order to separate what you are feeling towards him, and what you would feel for him as a friend and nothing more will be quite hard as long as you are in a relationship that you are not happy in. If you were in a happy relationship, you wouldn’t be thinking/feeling what you are, it would be a friendship only to you.

 

Maybe you do have to slowly end it ... not to see if he will come chasing after you, but because at the point you are in your life right now, you can’t handle a friendship-only type of relationship.

[Guest]

You are going into this thought process all wrong. Why can’t you have a future with him? What is stopping that? Some people are just meant to be friends, nothing more.

 

I think you are looking at him as the person to cure what is missing from your life right now. I can understand that. He is giving you what you are lacking at home - attention. But honestly, I think you are taking your feelings and putting them on him ... looking for what you want to see. But, I also think you realize that.

 

In reality, you really don’t know anything about him. He doesn’t talk about personal issues with you. You have no idea how he reacts to certain situations in a setting where he is not surrounded by other people and therefore, in his shell. He can quite possibly be a great guy. He can also quite possibly be an a**hole to those closest to him.

 

In order to separate what you are feeling towards him, and what you would feel for him as a friend and nothing more will be quite hard as long as you are in a relationship that you are not happy in. If you were in a happy relationship, you wouldn’t be thinking/feeling what you are, it would be a friendship only to you.

 

Maybe you do have to slowly end it ... not to see if he will come chasing after you, but because at the point you are in your life right now, you can’t handle a friendship-only type of relationship.

 

 

I have several times considered the way I'm going about things inside as selfish. He has said that I've made his life here where we're all stationed as better. He has said that he looks forward to my emails ... just having a friendship with me he feels like being a more "positive person" ...his words. But because I want it more than friendship inside I dismiss it. It's selfish. And both he and I are dramatic people. You should see how dramatic we can be. We're too much alike actually. So, you are definitely right because I look to him as a knight in shining armor time. I married young and stupid and now I know what I want in someone and I see that in him. The timing couldn't be worse. I'm trying to think of what his friendship has bettered in my life besides really making me want more out of life than I have.

[silentjuliet]

You are going into this thought process all wrong. Why can’t you have a future with him? What is stopping that? Some people are just meant to be friends, nothing more.

 

I think you are looking at him as the person to cure what is missing from your life right now. I can understand that. He is giving you what you are lacking at home - attention. But honestly, I think you are taking your feelings and putting them on him ... looking for what you want to see. But, I also think you realize that.

 

In reality, you really don’t know anything about him. He doesn’t talk about personal issues with you. You have no idea how he reacts to certain situations in a setting where he is not surrounded by other people and therefore, in his shell. He can quite possibly be a great guy. He can also quite possibly be an a**hole to those closest to him.

 

In order to separate what you are feeling towards him, and what you would feel for him as a friend and nothing more will be quite hard as long as you are in a relationship that you are not happy in. If you were in a happy relationship, you wouldn’t be thinking/feeling what you are, it would be a friendship only to you.

 

Maybe you do have to slowly end it ... not to see if he will come chasing after you, but because at the point you are in your life right now, you can’t handle a friendship-only type of relationship.

 

 

 

I got signed out again so this will post anonymously again. And I edited this one:

 

Thinking about it now ...the way I'm going about things inside is selfish. He has said that I've made his life here where we're all stationed as better. He has said that he looks forward to my emails ... just having a friendship with me he feels like being a more "positive person" ...his words. But because I want it more than friendship inside I dismiss it. It's selfish. And both he and I are dramatic people. You should see how dramatic we can be. We're too much alike actually. So, you are definitely right because I look to him as a knight in shining armor time. I married young and stupid and now I know what I want in someone and I see that in him. The timing couldn't be worse. I'm trying to think of what his friendship has bettered in my life besides really making me want more out of life than I have. Iv'e considered as well that slowing it down on my side might make me not seem to easy to access for him. I don't like anyone even beginning to take me for granted. Friends or not.

[zarathustra]

You are going into this thought process all wrong. Why can’t you have a future with him? What is stopping that? Some people are just meant to be friends, nothing more.

S2S, in this case, I disagree with you. I think both parties want more than to be just friends. I think where that is the case and one person is married, then its better to err on the side of caution and write of any future with that person.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

Iv'e considered as well that slowing it down on my side might make me not seem to easy to access for him. I don't like anyone even beginning to take me for granted. Friends or not.

 

I don’t think he is taking advantage of you at all. I think far from it. I think he values the friendship that he has built with you.

 

Originally Posted by StrivingtoSucceed

You are going into this thought process all wrong. Why can’t you have a future with him? What is stopping that? Some people are just meant to be friends, nothing more.

 

S2S, in this case, I disagree with you. I think both parties want more than to be just friends. I think where that is the case and one person is married, then its better to err on the side of caution and write of any future with that person.

 

I agree with you that because she is married, it is better to err on the side of caution and write it off. We know she wants to be more than friends. I do think he may want to too, but isn’t going to act on it now, or even possibly in the future. He seems to be more of the type of guy (from what she has said) that won’t cross that line ... even if she were to divorce his friend.

 

But, if they are both dramatic individuals as OP has noted, then their feelings will always run deeper and be more dramatic. In the rest of my post I thought I clarified my view on them remaining friends, but maybe I wasn’t. What I meant to get across is that some people can be friends, some can’t. It depends on how both of those people view the friendship and if they both can view it as nothing more than platonic.

 

In this case I don’t think they can unless OP totally writes off any feelings at all towards this other guy other than friendship.

 

While OP is currently in a relationship where she is unhappy, I think a friendship with anyone of the opposite sex, where she finds a joint connection, is going to lead to her wanting more out of that relationship than friendship, then I don’t think they can remain friends because SHE can’t handle the emotions. She can’t because her own EN’s are not being met within her marriage. She needs that connection, just as we all do. However, because she isn’t free to pursue it all those feelings sit dormant ... waiting to be released. And usually, those feelings start to come out at the first sign that someone is paying attention to you and, you have common interests with.

 

At least, this is my experience and how I felt when I was with my ex. Didn’t realize any of this then ... only years and years later as I look back on my actions with a much clearer perspective of who I am today and who I was then.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

Thinking about it now ...the way I'm going about things inside is selfish.

 

By the way, Silent, this isn't being selfish at all ... it is being human.

[zarathustra]

In this case I don’t think they can unless OP totally writes off any feelings at all towards this other guy other than friendship.

I don't think its about writing off feelings, but giving up the hope of a future. In some ways, when you have hope, you allow yourself to feel. That's just my opinion.

 

While OP is currently in a relationship where she is unhappy, I think a friendship with anyone of the opposite sex, where she finds a joint connection, is going to lead to her wanting more out of that relationship than friendship, then I don’t think they can remain friends because SHE can’t handle the emotions. She can’t because her own EN’s are not being met within her marriage. She needs that connection, just as we all do. However, because she isn’t free to pursue it all those feelings sit dormant ... waiting to be released. And usually, those feelings start to come out at the first sign that someone is paying attention to you and, you have common interests with.

Good point. I think sometimes when you develop feelings for someone else, though, that it prevents you from focusing on how to have ENs met within the marriage. SJ, I hope you will take the time to see if you and H can start working on what you both need in order to stay in the M, if that is what you want. If you are unhappy in your M, likely your H is too. If he's oblivious, he may be open to workshops if you tell him how unhappy you've been. Good luck.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

I don't think its about writing off feelings, but giving up the hope of a future. In some ways, when you have hope, you allow yourself to feel. That's just my opinion.

 

That is a valid point ... the need to give up hope. Thank you.

 

I agree with you that as long as she has hope for a future, she won't be able to have a friendship, or focus her energies on emotional needs within her marriage (although she has stated she is done there), or more importantly within herself for any future relationship to work.

[zarathustra]

That is a valid point ... the need to give up hope. Thank you.

 

I agree with you that as long as she has hope for a future, she won't be able to have a friendship, or focus her energies on emotional needs within her marriage (although she has stated she is done there), or more importantly within herself for any future relationship to work.

 

I hate to say it, but most men don't subscribe into their mind what is at stake until the woman packs and leaves. Only then do they figure out... hmmm... I need to work on this thing called marriage. Sometimes by the time the woman leaves, its too late.

 

For my H, I decided to stick around and give it one more hard fight. There are certain things that I need that I don't think he's willing to do still, but right now, and if he doesn't step up, then I'll know what I need to do.

[silentjuliet]

That is a valid point ... the need to give up hope. Thank you.

 

I agree with you that as long as she has hope for a future, she won't be able to have a friendship, or focus her energies on emotional needs within her marriage (although she has stated she is done there), or more importantly within herself for any future relationship to work.

 

 

You've got that right. Like I said...I'm stalling for a lot of issues. Financial. Stability (where exactly to move due to where I can get a job, place to live, that allows my animals) Sorting out who gets what pets...and just the fact that I have a nice paying job here and a life here and despite my unhappiness and the prison sentence it feels I have with H ...I don't want to lose everything else. Hence why people like me have affairs. Bleh. Not that that statement makes me proud to say or anything.

 

I honestly have no clue WHAT I would do if given a chance to have an affair. I doubt I would unless I knew there was a future. And then I should trust that person enough to know that they would wait for the legal seperation first. But then I might be a total jerk and go through with it. This is all new to me and I'm discovering new parts to myself.

 

I don't think I can carry on a friendship with him. I both dread ending it and dread continuing it.

[silentjuliet]

I hate to say it, but most men don't subscribe into their mind what is at stake until the woman packs and leaves. Only then do they figure out... hmmm... I need to work on this thing called marriage. Sometimes by the time the woman leaves, its too late.

 

For my H, I decided to stick around and give it one more hard fight. There are certain things that I need that I don't think he's willing to do still, but right now, and if he doesn't step up, then I'll know what I need to do.

I know this for a fact about H. I left him before and he didn't fight for me until the very moment I was out the door (after finding a place to stay). He suddenly became emotional on me. It was too late but it stuck with me and within two months I was back...despite all the crap he did in those two months.

 

I cannot imagine a future with him. We aren't intimate (for the last 4 months) due to problems from the past and recently and which he's getting therapy for. But aside of that it's been 7 years together, 6 married and I've yet to really feel happy in any of them. It's been a rocky marriage and it was a rocky dating relationship so I should have known it wouldn't change after marriage.