can it ever be truly platonic for a man?

[movinon05]

THe one thing I notice is we get closer and closer apparently. I hadn't seen him in nearly four weeks (although emailing daily) because I have been back home due to my father's funeral. OM isn't a touchy feely man and when I finally saw him the other day he hugged me. It shocked the hell out of me although I halfway initiated it. I did it without thinking...it was impulse and he reacted at the same time. It was an odd moment...like we both were thinking of doing the same thing. None of my other guyfriends hugged me and they are all touchy feely. And yet the guy that is least likely to hug does it. And with much affection...rubbing my back for a brief moment with one hand as I pulled away. I don't know ..I'm still shocked. I wish I wouldn't make more out of it than it is.

 

He doesn't tease me in any sexual way ever. He teases me playfully though in other innocent type ways. Things about how I probably treat my coworkers mean (just kidding) and or that I'm a suspicious character so that is why airport security randomly searched me ...that type of humor (haha).

 

Perhaps because of the passing of your father he felt it was appropriate enough to hug you. And it is appropriate. My condolenses, by the way.

 

My MM never teased me sexually either. The closest he came was when he and another friend and my H came home one night and were sitting in the kitchen talking. He brought out a tampon from the bathroom (because they were sitting in a box next to the toilet) and made a silly teasing comment about leaving the tampons out. but he only did that to embarrass me, watch me turn beet red, and they all had a good laugh over it. it was harmless enough. Certainly didn't make me think he was coming on to me!

 

I have a feeling he'll still be around when you decide on the outcome of your marriage.

[silentjuliet]

Perhaps because of the passing of your father he felt it was appropriate enough to hug you. And it is appropriate. My condolenses, by the way.

 

My MM never teased me sexually either. The closest he came was when he and another friend and my H came home one night and were sitting in the kitchen talking. He brought out a tampon from the bathroom (because they were sitting in a box next to the toilet) and made a silly teasing comment about leaving the tampons out. but he only did that to embarrass me, watch me turn beet red, and they all had a good laugh over it. it was harmless enough. Certainly didn't make me think he was coming on to me!

 

I have a feeling he'll still be around when you decide on the outcome of your marriage.

 

 

Haha. Guys. Always boys. After the outcome of my marriage...that is one of the worries I had about leaving my husband finally ...I'd have to move away from here and I'd not have the opportunities to see him. That is one of the reasons I remain behind...access. I know that's bad but I'm being honest.

[movinon05]

Haha. Guys. Always boys. After the outcome of my marriage...that is one of the worries I had about leaving my husband finally ...I'd have to move away from here and I'd not have the opportunities to see him. That is one of the reasons I remain behind...access. I know that's bad but I'm being honest.

 

Why? How far would you have to move?

[silentjuliet]

Why? How far would you have to move?

 

 

Well, we're military and so there is nothing for me in this town but my job and our friends (his coworkers) ...I could get a place outside of post but it would just be strange since none of my family or my girlfriends live within 1300 miles from here. It would be difficult to restart my life over again in this po-dunk town the post resides in.

[silentjuliet]

No it's not, trust me.

 

You two have a deep connection, he doesn't need sexual come ons or pick up lines because you get along well naturally.

 

this is my list of what I think happens in EAs

 

1. underestimating how much the other person feels

2. persistent infatuation - goes on much longer than in other relationships

3. develops unintentionally

4. feeling like you're soulmates

5. wild emotional swings

6. much more to say to OM/OW than spouse

 

For some reason I missed a whole string of replies for the last day or so! Okay, then I'm having an EM. ugh. All but #5 because I'm on wellburtrin and that helps. Thank you for posting this to me.

[silentjuliet]

Based on what you've described, my guess is that he has similar feelings for you but has not moved too far on them because 1. he has a shy personality and 2. knows you are married and sees you as off-limits.

 

Can a man have a platonic relationship with a MW? Sure. I do. But, it sounds like he acts differently with/around you than he does with his other friends. And, the frequency of your correspondence with him combined with the fact that neither of you have been overly forthright with H about it makes me wonder.

 

You said you love him. Are you really hoping that he loves you also, or are you hoping that he truly wants to be at arm's length?

 

 

I'm so sorry, I missed a string of replies yesterday. He does act differently with me. He is VERY shy/quiet/reserved around women in particularly. He has told me he was very insecure in his much younger years and so he didn't get much dating experience.

 

And he definitely sees me as off limits. He hasn't said anything at all about this but he's exceptionally concious of boundaries when we are in person.

 

Thanks for your reply and I'm sorry I missed it before.

[silentjuliet]

You say your husband went to counselling, but why didn't you? Did you two go to marriage counselling together in the past?

 

Seems in a way you're not inlove with your husband, you don't have much in common with him and you're consumed with thoughts of another man. You don't rely on your husband, you rely on the OM for so many needs. Whether or not the OM has feelings for you isn't really the issue, it's your feelings for him.

 

I think TM is right, the OM has feelings for you too, but seeing as your married, he probably is keeping his mouth shut so he can keep you as a friend.

 

You are right and the issue is me. What my husband has done in the past and recent past isn't what forced me to fall for someone else. That is all what "I" needed and missed. I knew what I married. I accepted who I married and tried hard to make us work until he messed up over and over and it weakened my love for him. But at this point I'm not sure if I would have forgiven his last screw up (half a year ago) if I hadn't started commuicating with this man and falling for him. Now it seems like I could never forgive H. I'm sure that has to do ONLY with MY feelings for OM. I screwed myself unintentionally. It does take two to ruin a marriage and two to fight for it. I've given up. I admit it. *sigh*

 

Sorry I missed this before...I don't know how I did that.

[elijahBailey]

My guess is that you know it isn't just platonic. But you can't bring yourself to acknowledge it for fear of more heartbreak.

 

Can men be 'just friends' with women? Heck yes! but only if the woman is lacking in the physical department. I've had friendships with women who are platonic. The fact that it didn't work out cuz they wanted more is besides the point.

 

A guy who wants just a platonic friendship with a girl does NOT behave in ways that you described your friend's behavior. The fact that he 'never crossed' the line is, again, besides the point.

 

You're a woman, and your instincts are more honed than most of us men Doesn't these things ring a bell for you?

1) he feels awkward when he see you in public

2) he doesn't tell your husband he continues to email you

3) he does NOT stop emailing you !

 

Using 'he is just the loner type' does not, in anyways, justify why the friendship is platonic. I can see no other way to explain his behavior towards you.

 

If you still have reservations, then do this... Stop emailing him. If he's emotionally attached to you, he'll break, and you'll know.

[zarathustra]

Can men be 'just friends' with women? Heck yes! but only if the woman is lacking in the physical department. I've had friendships with women who are platonic. The fact that it didn't work out cuz they wanted more is besides the point.

Oh go get over yourself!!! Look, its not like I disagree with your advice, but that opinion about platonic relationships between men and women is just plain mean.

[Guest]

My guess is that you know it isn't just platonic. But you can't bring yourself to acknowledge it for fear of more heartbreak.

 

Can men be 'just friends' with women? Heck yes! but only if the woman is lacking in the physical department. I've had friendships with women who are platonic. The fact that it didn't work out cuz they wanted more is besides the point.

 

A guy who wants just a platonic friendship with a girl does NOT behave in ways that you described your friend's behavior. The fact that he 'never crossed' the line is, again, besides the point.

 

You're a woman, and your instincts are more honed than most of us men Doesn't these things ring a bell for you?

1) he feels awkward when he see you in public

2) he doesn't tell your husband he continues to email you

3) he does NOT stop emailing you !

 

Using 'he is just the loner type' does not, in anyways, justify why the friendship is platonic. I can see no other way to explain his behavior towards you.

 

If you still have reservations, then do this... Stop emailing him. If he's emotionally attached to you, he'll break, and you'll know.

 

 

I once asked him in an email ...during one of my crazy nights..."I imagine at some point you'll get tired of emailing me" and his response was "Consider me a rubber wall to bounce feelings and thoughts off of and I will continue to communicate"

 

I have always found that statement/analogy very special. I've never been quite sure if that was a way of saying I'm just your friend and I won't abandon you. Or if it was a bit more profound. Knowing him ...he's the type that rewrites his emails three times before sending them. He thinks hard before he writes anything OR says anything.

 

He's definitely a "different" type of person. Everyone has always said he's "strange" "shy" and unemotional. It seems like I'm the only person that can see the emotion in him. He expresses it verbally instead of facially. And he expresses it by nonchalant action as well. Ugh. I care so much about him so I've gone WAY off subject here.

[RealityCheck]

Jeepers!!!!

 

I'm with Zara!!!

 

How shallow!!! Good Grief!!

 

9 times out of ten the men is thinking inside the box, not outside the box!!

 

*slams door*

[silentjuliet]

My guess is that you know it isn't just platonic. But you can't bring yourself to acknowledge it for fear of more heartbreak.

 

Can men be 'just friends' with women? Heck yes! but only if the woman is lacking in the physical department. I've had friendships with women who are platonic. The fact that it didn't work out cuz they wanted more is besides the point.

 

A guy who wants just a platonic friendship with a girl does NOT behave in ways that you described your friend's behavior. The fact that he 'never crossed' the line is, again, besides the point.

 

You're a woman, and your instincts are more honed than most of us men Doesn't these things ring a bell for you?

1) he feels awkward when he see you in public

2) he doesn't tell your husband he continues to email you

3) he does NOT stop emailing you !

 

Using 'he is just the loner type' does not, in anyways, justify why the friendship is platonic. I can see no other way to explain his behavior towards you.

 

If you still have reservations, then do this... Stop emailing him. If he's emotionally attached to you, he'll break, and you'll know.

 

CRAP. I keep forgetting to sign in before I respond. So before it comes up anonymous I'll repost it under my username:

 

 

 

 

I once asked him in an email ...during one of my crazy nights..."I imagine at some point you'll get tired of emailing me" and his response was "Consider me a rubber wall to bounce feelings and thoughts off of and I will continue to communicate"

 

I have always found that statement/analogy very special. I've never been quite sure if that was a way of saying I'm just your friend and I won't abandon you. Or if it was a bit more profound. Knowing him ...he's the type that rewrites his emails three times before sending them. He thinks hard before he writes anything OR says anything.

 

He's definitely a "different" type of person. Everyone has always said he's "strange" "shy" and unemotional. It seems like I'm the only person that can see the emotion in him. He expresses it verbally instead of facially. And he expresses it by nonchalant action as well. Ugh. I care so much about him so I've gone WAY off subject here.

[silentjuliet]

Oh go get over yourself!!! Look, its not like I disagree with your advice, but that opinion about platonic relationships between men and women is just plain mean.

 

 

I overlooked that comment ...I like his advice and suggestions on everything else but that comment was less than lovely.

[elijahBailey]

Ooops...

 

That was mean. Wasn't really thinkin'. Sorry.

[Guest]

Ooops...

 

That was mean. Wasn't really thinkin'. Sorry.

 

It happens!

[zarathustra]

Ooops...

 

That was mean. Wasn't really thinkin'. Sorry.

You gave very sound advice. That I do appreciate.

 

Can you tell we're kinda protective here? Its a tight knit crowd.

[ronnieromance]

I don't think it will always become an issue, or even be known by both parties, but I think that in friendships with 2 heteros of the opposite sex, one will eventually develop feelings for the other.

 

It can either come from the man or the woman. It can stem from aethetics, or from growing to love things about them as you get to know them...But it always happens.

 

 

-R-

[movinon05]

SJ,

 

I have been really hesitant to say this, but WTH. Its only my opinion, so take it as that.

 

I went back and read up on all your posts. This is what I see:

 

You are in an unhappy M. You and your H have no affection/intimacy and he has been abusive. I think you said he's cheated on you. The only part I don't know is how he really feels about you and whether he really wants to work on your M. I also don't know if you have any children. And you said you're in the military. Is he in the military or are both of you in the military? I'm guessing you are not and therefore, would not be "sent" away to another post. You would have to leave the area to be with your family.

 

My own personal opinion is that everyone of us is entitled to be happy with the person we are with. You have a long life ahead of you. I would hate to see you and your H just settle for what you seem to have now for the rest of your lives. I've said it before and I'll say it again. We only walk this earth one time. Life is toooooooo short.

 

As far as OM, I think he does have feelings for you. And I think he can tell you have feelings for him. And I think that in the beginning he started realizing that. He does sound like a noble person and I think that's why he pulled back when he realized this. I also think that he is trying to keep a line of communication open. Not just because one day he might be with you, but because I think he really cares about you and wants to be there for you. I think he is doing very well by not pushing you or letting you know how he feels because he does not want to influence what you do. Therefore, he is being a friend in the best way he knows how.

 

You have a choice. You can stay in an unhappy marriage, or you can leave it. How do you think your H would react to that? I'm sure he must want to be happy. And, FWIW, he's a man. If he's not seeking intimacy with you, I can't imagine he will go on like this forever. You two need to do some serious talking. Marriage CAN end in a civil way. It is possible.

 

Perhaps if you did decide to leave the M, you could still stay there for awhile, and see what develops with OM. It may be nothing. But you are obviously hurting and at some point, these conversations are going to get more involved.

 

I'm sure I'll get bashed for some of what I am saying here, but like I said, I read through all of your posts. Maybe I'm naive, but I think he sounds like a wonderful guy. And he is being very respectful of you. You just have to decide if you want to stay in a stagnant M or find happiness in your life. We all deserve that.

 

Of course, there's always the possibility that he is just being a good friend to you and does not have any designs on you. But my gut is telling me otherwise and you are selling yourself short.

 

JMHO. Take it for what its worth.

 

{{{{HUGS}}}}

[silentjuliet]

SJ,

 

I have been really hesitant to say this, but WTH. Its only my opinion, so take it as that.

 

I went back and read up on all your posts. This is what I see:

 

You are in an unhappy M. You and your H have no affection/intimacy and he has been abusive. I think you said he's cheated on you. The only part I don't know is how he really feels about you and whether he really wants to work on your M. I also don't know if you have any children. And you said you're in the military. Is he in the military or are both of you in the military? I'm guessing you are not and therefore, would not be "sent" away to another post. You would have to leave the area to be with your family.

 

My own personal opinion is that everyone of us is entitled to be happy with the person we are with. You have a long life ahead of you. I would hate to see you and your H just settle for what you seem to have now for the rest of your lives. I've said it before and I'll say it again. We only walk this earth one time. Life is toooooooo short.

 

As far as OM, I think he does have feelings for you. And I think he can tell you have feelings for him. And I think that in the beginning he started realizing that. He does sound like a noble person and I think that's why he pulled back when he realized this. I also think that he is trying to keep a line of communication open. Not just because one day he might be with you, but because I think he really cares about you and wants to be there for you. I think he is doing very well by not pushing you or letting you know how he feels because he does not want to influence what you do. Therefore, he is being a friend in the best way he knows how.

 

You have a choice. You can stay in an unhappy marriage, or you can leave it. How do you think your H would react to that? I'm sure he must want to be happy. And, FWIW, he's a man. If he's not seeking intimacy with you, I can't imagine he will go on like this forever. You two need to do some serious talking. Marriage CAN end in a civil way. It is possible.

 

Perhaps if you did decide to leave the M, you could still stay there for awhile, and see what develops with OM. It may be nothing. But you are obviously hurting and at some point, these conversations are going to get more involved.

 

I'm sure I'll get bashed for some of what I am saying here, but like I said, I read through all of your posts. Maybe I'm naive, but I think he sounds like a wonderful guy. And he is being very respectful of you. You just have to decide if you want to stay in a stagnant M or find happiness in your life. We all deserve that.

 

Of course, there's always the possibility that he is just being a good friend to you and does not have any designs on you. But my gut is telling me otherwise and you are selling yourself short.

 

JMHO. Take it for what its worth.

 

{{{{HUGS}}}}

 

 

 

Pretty much...except the parts about OM's feelings which I can't figure out or know ...you have it all correct. My mother told me the other day that if I leave him this time -- not to leave without something legal signed and with a game plan to come get my things. The last time we fought over our pets and I know we'll fight over them again. (dogs, cats) because we elected to not have children and they are our children.

 

He wants to work things out. He ALWAYS wants to work things out. He wanted to work things out while he had that girl moved in a couple years ago. He gets very sad and pathetic when we discuss moving on and knows all my emotional heart strings to do it. But I'm not making excuses at all...I have had the motivation before and I know that it's a matter of time that I'll have it again. But it's also true that much of my decision to stay behind is the access to OM ...being able to still associate and see him.

 

My mom has said the same thing ...life is short and I need to make the most of it. My dad just passed away and I think of how short it was for him. Just like that. It's really caused me to reassess things.

 

Anyways, thanks for your opinions. I don't think anyone can flame you for saying to someone "Do what makes you happy" ...and you've only echoed what I've definitely said in this thread as well as a couple others.

 

I have so much I have to buckle down and do. Even if it means temporarily moving off post to another apartment in town to finalize things. I've considered that a few times. H claims he'll do anything for us to stay together and forego the sex. Since he started therapy he claims he has no sexual interest right now. I'm not sure if it's what the guy is talking about with him ...childhood crap and deep seeded issues or what but I'm not sure if I believe him about the sex part. I do know eventually, being a man he'll break and have to get it somewhere...or will like me ...fall for someone else. It's only natural.

[movinon05]

Well then I suspect, unless you told him how you are feeling (and I'm not advocating that), the only way you will ever know about OMs feelings is if and when you do move out. I don't think he will cross any boundaries or as I said, influence your decision in any way. And I wouldn't blame him for that given this whole situation.

[scarletletter]

The sad thing is...he really does sound like a nice guy. I was in a similar situation a while back. Emailed and talked on the phone to a guy that was what I considered a friend. He knew I was married and he absolutely adored my child and bought her all kinds of gifts, etc. I can't say that I ever fell in love with this man but the attention and the understanding of a male person who didn't want anything in return always left me with a good feeling. To make an extremely long story short, he turned out to be GAY!!! LOL..still laughing about that. We are still very good friends and always will be. He is like my best "male girlfriend" now.

On another note, I have also been friends with another guy who lives in florida, I live in Ky., we emailed, talked on the phone, etc. We talked about our sex lives after a while and what was missing from them. Neither of us ever talked about getting together..it was just someone to talk to. HOWEVER, one day he dropped a bombshell on me and asked me if I wanted to masturbate on the phone with him. I nearly dropped dead!! We had been friends for almost a year before this happened. Obviously, I said no, thank you and told him how disappointed I was. He apologized and said he was only joking. It was no joke...I am sure of that. We hardly ever speak anymore because I thought that was a little over the top to ask someone that. So there are two examples of so-called platonic relationships with men. Not trying to give you advice at all because I wouldn't know where to begin...all men are different. I just hope you don't end up as devastated as I was.

[Guest]

The sad thing is...he really does sound like a nice guy. I was in a similar situation a while back. Emailed and talked on the phone to a guy that was what I considered a friend. He knew I was married and he absolutely adored my child and bought her all kinds of gifts, etc. I can't say that I ever fell in love with this man but the attention and the understanding of a male person who didn't want anything in return always left me with a good feeling. To make an extremely long story short, he turned out to be GAY!!! LOL..still laughing about that. We are still very good friends and always will be. He is like my best "male girlfriend" now.

On another note, I have also been friends with another guy who lives in florida, I live in Ky., we emailed, talked on the phone, etc. We talked about our sex lives after a while and what was missing from them. Neither of us ever talked about getting together..it was just someone to talk to. HOWEVER, one day he dropped a bombshell on me and asked me if I wanted to masturbate on the phone with him. I nearly dropped dead!! We had been friends for almost a year before this happened. Obviously, I said no, thank you and told him how disappointed I was. He apologized and said he was only joking. It was no joke...I am sure of that. We hardly ever speak anymore because I thought that was a little over the top to ask someone that. So there are two examples of so-called platonic relationships with men. Not trying to give you advice at all because I wouldn't know where to begin...all men are different. I just hope you don't end up as devastated as I was.

 

 

I know he wouldn't act now at least. That is what baffles me the most and why I continue to question and wonder and leave posts like this one...because our "platonic friendship" seems to come so close to the boundaries but doesn't cross them. For instance I just wrote him a poem ...singing his praises more or less ...I thought for sure it was going to cause him to drop me or to question me about my motivations towards him. It wasn't a love poem but it was written obviously lovingly towards a "friend" ...his reaction tonight was "Thank you so much" and went on and on about my talent and how he wishes he could express himself that way ...yadda yadda. I was shocked. A part of me was pressing the limits. A part of me was hoping he'd confess something ...that he didn't want to communicate anymore because he was getting uncomfortable or that he had the same feelings.

 

Instead if get yet another intellectual response and gratitude and the conversation continues. *bangs head*

 

Anyways, it's a very odd situation/friendship. I feel like we are so similiar because we're always on the same page intellectually. But as for emotions and feelings ...there is no telling.

 

Sorry this is so long and I appreciate your examples and it gives me a lot to think about. I know I was wrong to do the poem thing but it certainly made him feel good/flattered so for that I guess it was worth it.

[silentjuliet]

The sad thing is...he really does sound like a nice guy. I was in a similar situation a while back. Emailed and talked on the phone to a guy that was what I considered a friend. He knew I was married and he absolutely adored my child and bought her all kinds of gifts, etc. I can't say that I ever fell in love with this man but the attention and the understanding of a male person who didn't want anything in return always left me with a good feeling. To make an extremely long story short, he turned out to be GAY!!! LOL..still laughing about that. We are still very good friends and always will be. He is like my best "male girlfriend" now.

On another note, I have also been friends with another guy who lives in florida, I live in Ky., we emailed, talked on the phone, etc. We talked about our sex lives after a while and what was missing from them. Neither of us ever talked about getting together..it was just someone to talk to. HOWEVER, one day he dropped a bombshell on me and asked me if I wanted to masturbate on the phone with him. I nearly dropped dead!! We had been friends for almost a year before this happened. Obviously, I said no, thank you and told him how disappointed I was. He apologized and said he was only joking. It was no joke...I am sure of that. We hardly ever speak anymore because I thought that was a little over the top to ask someone that. So there are two examples of so-called platonic relationships with men. Not trying to give you advice at all because I wouldn't know where to begin...all men are different. I just hope you don't end up as devastated as I was.

 

 

I wrote a reply but for some reason my browser won't keep me logged in this site and I keep posting anonymously ...so here it is again but this time logged in. I bet people are getting annoyed with me over that:

 

 

 

I know he wouldn't act now at least. That is what baffles me the most and why I continue to question and wonder and leave posts like this one...because our "platonic friendship" seems to come so close to the boundaries but doesn't cross them. For instance I just wrote him a poem ...singing his praises more or less ...I thought for sure it was going to cause him to drop me or to question me about my motivations towards him. It wasn't a love poem but it was written obviously lovingly towards a "friend" ...his reaction tonight was "Thank you so much" and went on and on about my talent and how he wishes he could express himself that way ...yadda yadda. I was shocked. A part of me was pressing the limits. A part of me was hoping he'd confess something ...that he didn't want to communicate anymore because he was getting uncomfortable or that he had the same feelings.

 

Instead if get yet another intellectual response and gratitude and the conversation continues. *bangs head*

 

Anyways, it's a very odd situation/friendship. I feel like we are so similiar because we're always on the same page intellectually. But as for emotions and feelings ...there is no telling.

 

Sorry this is so long and I appreciate your examples and it gives me a lot to think about. I know I was wrong to do the poem thing but it certainly made him feel good/flattered so for that I guess it was worth it.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

I've already had the "You should stop this and get marriage counseling" responses so anymore wouldn't do any good. And without reading our daily coorespondences I'm sure others cannot judge from just this post. But my question is... in anyone's personal experience ...can a man just email like this daily with a woman even though he writes platonically (he doesn't prod for personal information about my marriage) without having more than friendship on the mind?

 

I haven't read all the posts on this thread ... just yours for now. However, I'd like to give you my perspective on this.

 

My H doesn't do email, however, he worked with a girl that he developed a friendship with exactly like yours. They talked everyday, NEVER about anything personal. It was always about current events, mutual working friendships, etc. He never talked about me or us (which she confirmed), never mentioned anything negative about his life at all.

 

However, once she let him know that the door was open, he started thinking "Hey, I can talk to this woman" "She makes me laugh" etc., etc. Within one week he didn't know what he wanted. Within one more week he thought he wanted to move out and move in with her (she invited him). Within one more week he realized he didn't want US to be over, but he enjoyed her friendship so much he didn't want THEM to end. Within about two more weeks he realized he wanted her just to be a friend and for the phone calls, etc., to slow down. After about one more month, he didn't really want anything to do with her anymore except for work.

 

Not saying that he doesn't miss the friendship she provided during a time he needed it, but he wasn't the type of person to be o.k. with having an affair and it did screw him up big time just considering it. To me, he had an EA with her.

 

So, in answer to your question of can a man really be platonic, I think they can. My husband was. That is, until she made sure he knew she was interested in more. Then, he started thinking with another head that wasn't as smart --- hmm, I wonder what it would be like being with someone else, maybe I am missing something here, etc., etc.

 

But, once you cross that bridge, the damage it causes to all parties involved isn't worth the risk.

[silentjuliet]

Well then I suspect, unless you told him how you are feeling (and I'm not advocating that), the only way you will ever know about OMs feelings is if and when you do move out. I don't think he will cross any boundaries or as I said, influence your decision in any way. And I wouldn't blame him for that given this whole situation.

 

 

I don't blame him at all. It just hurts. I want what I can't have. This is the theme for us all in this forum. I know it's for the OW's ...and I'm a MW...but it was the most appropriate forum for me because it's the same issue. EA or PA ...whatever. "Friends and Lovers" wouldn't cut it because I'm married and he's single and we aren't lovers. Thanks for all your feedback. I really appreciate everyone's conversations with me and sharing their own experiences with me.