mlchris2 Posted May 15, 2006 Share Posted May 15, 2006 I told myself and my spouse that I would never let this happen during seperation and during marriage, but it did. Long story short, I went out this weekend with some co-workers and one of them, whom I've gone out with before, her and I ended up sleeping together. This was something that just happened and now here I am feeling guilty, depressed and all sorts of confused. I will admit becuase of the problems I had before, its been hard these pat 9 months to go without sex or intimacy with someone. well now I'm filled with emotions and not sure what do to. Do I tell my wife what had happened or do I keep it on the down low? I feel I should tell her, cause I told her if that ever happened I wouldnt hide it and keep that from her. I know that when she was in her stage of foolin around (I dont have 100% proof that she actually did anything, but for months, the signs were pretty evident of her cheating before seperation), she told me the same thing. Even now she continues to tell me nothing happened, but I feel she's not telling me the truth for fear of how I will react or what people will say about her. do you think me telling her will ruin everything between us? (off topic)I did tell her a few weeks ago that I did take her advice and I've been on a handful of dates with different women. Each date was horrible for me, not because of the person or the date, but becuase all I could think about was her and how these women are nothing like my wife... whom I've grown to love. She didnt say anything, other than "I'm getting ready for work". Please help me.. I do greatly appriciate your advise markc Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted May 15, 2006 Share Posted May 15, 2006 I would say to follow the path dictated by both honesty and discretion. Honesty would suggest that you tell. If the terms of your separation were that you would both avoid sexual entanglements, then you have violated them and you should fess up. I don't really know how your separation was planned. But it does seem that you regret what happened. You may want to avoid such things happening in the future but not putting yourself in that position. Link to post Share on other sites
feistybutloving Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 First of all I Believe in honesty, and something may of happened between you and your co-worker but confessing would only create problems. Were all human and we all make mistakes, remember no ones perfect! I don't no if you still work with the other female or not but if so and you tell your wife it will come between you two. Trust could also be a huge problem. Seperated for 9 months at least you were seperated. You did no wrong. Have a good day Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 I went through a similar thing. You can check some of my posts from around the first of the year. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mlchris2 Posted May 17, 2006 Author Share Posted May 17, 2006 SoleMate, you bring about a good point that i dont really have an answer for. we arent legally seperated or divorced. so technically i cheated. Right? My wife said she was through...wanted divorce...wanted me to move on and have NC. Without real proof or her admittance, which I may one day find out bout, she did cheat on me. I by any means have not had the "well she did it so can i attitude". I want to tell her, I really do. I dont think its the right time for it. I will admit there was alcohol involved and lots of emotion. I normaly wouldnt have done this... but I let my emotions and lack of companionship get in the way. I made a huge decision to leave the company I work for to be closer to my kids. I am working with his woman for another week. Johan, I read your posts. Your postion is similar to mine, just like many others. I appriciate our opinions. I still dont know what to do. I will think on it for a few more days. Link to post Share on other sites
Whitt Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Have you been seeing a therapist? One could really help in this situation. Having someone to talk to regularly and perhaps even help you communicate with you estranged wife might be beneficial to this situation. I wouldn't tell your wife anything right now. If you're not currently both working hard at trying to work things out, then it is your life to live. She can't expect you to put your life on hold when you aren't communicating at all. (I suspect NC because you were being put in limbo?) Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 I wouldnt tell her either. You're not living together, AND she's given you no indication she wants to work on the marriage. Telling her is not going to help the situation. IF she comes back, then maybe you can tell her. But to tell her out of the blue when you two havent been talking and she's full fledge wants a divorce? What purpose will it serve? Rub it in her face? Link to post Share on other sites
DesperateDad Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Now is definitely not the time to come clean about this. I don't see how it could make things better. If you're into the whole Plan A and Plan B thing from marriagebuilders, now is not the time for complete honesty estranged spouse, but for changing and improving your self. Believe me, I understand about needing the companionship and intimacy. But, you ARE in kind of a limbo here where a lot of rules about fidelity may not be so black and white. Don't beat yourself up. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott S Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 do you think me telling her will ruin everything between us? It certainly will not help. Confession is good for the soul, but often not good for the relationship. Since you are only separated, not divorced, you are still legally married. Which means that extramarital sexual is, by definition, adultery. Which would be, in many states, handing her gift-wrapped grounds for divorce. __________________________________________ If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be. - Yogi Berra Link to post Share on other sites
Scott S Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Which would be, in many states, handing her gift-wrapped grounds for divorce. Also possibly strong incentive to take you to the cleaners in the settlement process. Link to post Share on other sites
1Gravity Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 While in MC the therapist wasn't sure that sharing the "whole" truth about extramarital activity was a good idea. She let me make the decision but in the end, it wasn't shared. I"m not sure it's helpful to be brutally honest but some folks, like lovebusters.com think you should. Link to post Share on other sites
SharonSvick Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 Don't be telling somthing that's only going to make things WORSE for not only you but your spouse. Gees what is wrong with people in telling and spilling their entire daily agenda's? You were drinking and in fact you weren't being yourself. So why tell on yourself when you weren't being yourself to begin with? As if you SO is going to tell you what she's been doing. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Author mlchris2 Posted May 18, 2006 Author Share Posted May 18, 2006 I see all your points and I do agree that by spilling my guts isnt the best course of action. I have been seeing a therapist for 9 months now and its helped me alot. However, I'm still in this mind-frame of "things will work out, becuase if she wanted divorce she would have done it 9 months ago". Granted its not helping me in any way shape or form... I have nothing to hold onto. I think if we get back together and work out things, then I will end up telling her and hopefully she will be honest with me. (Please dont take this the wrong way) Sharon... thats the mentality that causes marriages to break...lack of true honesty. I will admit that is the teapot calling the kettle black (in my situation), but since we split... I've fessed up to everything even if its going to hurt me or not. I'd expect the same from my wife or anyone else. Why do people have that mentality? I dont understand it. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 My husband cheated during our seperation and I found out on my own...I would rather have not known...So dont tell her...unless you have to Link to post Share on other sites
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