Feedback appreciated ...

[SeatPanda]

My fiance (and boyfriend of 5 years) broke off the engagement in November and after a month of anguish and trying (and failing) to win him back I maintained basically no contact for several months ... then he contacted me again begging to see me again ... I saw him again temporarily but we broke apart again. Then when my mom had a stroke he was there for me and we tried again, having fun and going for ice cream and things like that, but then he got angry over an incident and things broke apart again. He says he just can't be with me and doesn't know why and that I just make him angry when we try to reconcile. But at the same time he doesn't know what he wants in anything in his life. He says we should be friends and that we need to face the fact that most couples don't make it with their first relationship and that we'll never make it together, but he still has many of the things I made him still in his room and he still has pictures of me all over and keeps calling me once in awhile. Aparently he just doesn't want to be alone.

 

I am going to another country for two months and am hoping the time apart will help him figure things out, but the following is the last email I sent him, what do you think? after that is his response ... do you think we stand a chance, did I make my point clear? I want to keep the doors open because I think he is confused but at the same time I don't want to pressure him or keep making things worse by still contacting him ... I appreciate any feedback ... like I said, the more I stop contacting him the more he seems to want to contact me. Does it sound like he doesn't even want to be friends anymore or does it sound like we may be able to have something again one day?

 

*********

I love you too much to keep this going. I still want to be your friend. Friends are for fun, not for booty calls. Maybe someday we can try things from the beginning again, maybe we'll only be friends, but either way we're not helping things by continuing to treat each other this way. I wish things had worked out between us but I want to remain on good terms with you even though they didn't.

 

I hope you'll stay in contact. You still are one of my best friends and you always will be, whether the future finds us as friends or as lovers again. More than anything, I want you to know that just because I won't have sex with you doesn't mean I'm not here for you. You're not alone. I'll still be around if want to see a movie, play video games, or if you just need a hug. We both deserve better than to have sex outside of a serious relationship.

 

If it's okay, I will call you when I get back in the fall and we can hang out sometime!

**********

Response:

 

Of course I'm still alone. always alone, but always surviving.

 

I don't have a problem with the sex. Booty calls can be good, but I'm not going to play the game when you'll be leaving in a week.

 

[[irrelevant information truncated for making this shorter]] ... especially when either of us could have moved on and gained a new significant other by the time you return stateside.

 

Have a good trip, be safe, don't get mugged or anything.

 

 

is there any chance? I love him and he says he still loves me but as I make him angry and he doesn't know why (he admits its his fault but not to me, only to one of my friends) he says we can't be together... can the love grow back again from a friendship after time apart or is this a failed relationship I should just forget completely?

 

 

***

Last email to him:

 

Like I said, just because I don't want to have sex with you anymore doesn't mean I'm not here for you. I still consider you one of my best friends and I want to keep that relationship going.

 

And I knew you let me. I knew you could overpower me if you wanted to. I was only continuing with what I knew you wanted - to be controlled. Then I realized that the whole situation was only causing you guilt and resentment. Therefore I have to put an end to it before we hurt things between us even more.

 

Take care, keep in touch and let me know how things are going for you in school. I'll send a postcard

[Just Visiting]

Based on his email response, he is not willing to re-explore the relationship. These two months away will be good for you. Who knows what may happen during your trip? From my experience, it will be emotionally difficult to move into "friends" after being romantically involved for five years. A time to heal, and to get over your romantic feelings need to be processed first. Otherwise it will continually be drama-ville. Life is too short for that bull. I suggest you let it go for awhile.

[Brittanyjean06]

When you say several months? exactly how many months is that jw?

[Guest]

It was three months of very little contact before he started calling the first time. I am letting it go but it is very hard. Does it sound like we might have a chance if I just let it go? Do you think I did the right thing? Will he get over his anger or is that something that will always get in the way? He is confused about his life in general and doesn't know what he wants right now ...

[SeatPanda]

By several months I mean we'd had very little contact for 3 months before he started coming around again, then when my mom got sick a month later he was there for me and tried to rebuild a relationship from that point, taking me out bowling and stuff ... he's very confused about his life and he seems to want to be with me, only I make him angry and he just doesn't know why. Is it possible that he will ever know why or will this anger always be there? Does anyone else have experience with this? I am trying to let him move on like I did before but I still believe that he loves me. I hope I did the right thing with what I said in those two emails.