Jealousy, addiction, psycho female friends..

[milvushina]

Kind of an attention-grabbing title to sum up what is causing me endless frustration at home ...

 

My husband and I have a really great relationship. We're both very laid back people, not very possessive or controlling, don't like to fight and much rather apologize than sulk around and all that. We have one issue that weighs on me though. When we were first dating, he had several addiction problems. After we moved in together, I did a good job, I'm pleased to say, of helping him to kick 90 per cent. of his bad habits. I was never judgemental, always reassured him that I had faith in him and helped him to see how strong he was when he lost perspective and felt like a loser. His friends had all the same problems so I think having me around- someone who didn't have the same problems (but maybe a little drinking problem of my own)- did help.

And now he still has an addiction to anxiety medicine; he has two sources, a quack dr. who prescribed this stuff and his current, good doctor who continues to prescribe in a non-too-happy way since the prescription was two years old when my husband began to see him.

The other source is a friend of his, a girl that he once messed around with before we met and now keeps on good terms with for that reason alone (the meds, not because he messed around with her, haha). They never dated, but she thinks they are best friends; she calls several times a day, texts, and calls him at work occassionally. Since we got married these have slowed down but not stopped. He ignores her calls, often opts to not answer the door when she comes over, and basically never makes an effort to contact her unless he wants something from her, and shows no interest in anything she talks about.

This weekend she called over and over- on Fri. she left a msg that she was coming over so we left the house for a while. On Sat. we didn't return her calls. On Sun. husband called her and invited her over. I find the whole situation really irritating. I left to go for a walk; when I came home I said hi to her and tried to sound friendly, but she still remarked to husband that sometimes she thinks I don't like her. I don't like husband taking pills because he can be annoying; tends to go on and on about ex-girlfriends, other sexual stuff that I don't want to know, tell stories about himself strung out on drugs and getting in trouble and other things it hurts a little to think about. Showed me a picture once of some XXX photos he took with another girl (he wasn't in the one I saw) and went on to tell me all about how/where this was done (happens to be right down the road from our house). Anyway the point is that I've gone from ambivalent about the pills to very standoffish because I'm almost guaranteed to hear about something that is going to worm its way into my mind and bother me for a few days. And from ambivalent to standoffish about the friend because she encourages this, and because I don't trust her. Its fine that he enjoys this, but if only he wouldn't talk so much about things I would much rather not know all about!

So my dilemma: I don't dislike his friend as a person, but I don't like that she has a kind of hold over him, even though he doesn't like her, she gets to be a friend for that reason. Last night she was at our place, and I let him know it irritated me. He asked me whether I knew why he wanted her to come over; I said yes, that was the irritating thing. But then I felt like a bitch. He is a grown person; I can't tell him what not to do/who not to talk to, and I have no desire to. But irrational as it is this whole situation just gets under my skin and I don't know what a good solution would be. He goes thru his prescription so fast, by the middle of the month he's bumming off her (they get the same thing). He rightly pointed out that he is sober a lot more than he used to be. And as for me drinking is no longer a problem. We discussed this and agreed that we were both going to make some changes. Problem is, he told me a year ago that he would be weaning off his prescription and that within a year (meaning: now) he'd be taking them rarely, if at all; he went from 120 to 90 count about 5 months ago, which is good, but nothing since then. If I bring it up- ask what the next step is, what kind of time line he has envisioned for getting off of this stuff, he gets very upset, hates to talk about it, evades answering.

 

Am I over-reacting? Hate to feel like I'm being domineering. This friend of his is a liar; I havne't liked her since she lied to me, about a year ago, and it involved my husband and drugs. But still I am very nice to her and tolerate her company since she's a friend of his, even if I strongly disapprove of the very reasons she's a friend. I feel sorry for her and think it's sad how much she will put up with her friends treating her like crap.

Oh well I've written enough, sorry so verbose, just needed to vent but any insight into this would be very very much appreciated by me.

[blind_otter]

You have a right to be with someone who isn't all pilled out, as I call it. I used to be a pill head too. I was self medicating, I recently realized, a horrible anxiety disorder that I didn't know I had until I got off the pills.

 

I think you're talking about benzodiazepines, right? Xanax, valium, that kind of thing.

 

I don't know if you're aware, but benzodiazepine withdrawal is one of the few withdrawals that can actually kill you. It can cause a person to go into convulsions/seizures and give them permanent brain damage.

 

The only comparable addiciton I can think of is full blown alcoholics. Withdrawal from benzos gives you DTs.

 

If he does want to get clean , he MUST do so under the supervision of a doctor who can manage his taper. Otherwise, he's putting himself in a dangerous situation.

 

He is acting like any addict acts when they are faced with losing their drug of choice. I recommend that you go to an alanon meeting. Focus on you. You've made your needs clear, and it's up to him to decide about his sobriety.

 

And if he doesn't take any action then you need to remove yourself from the situation until he does, or accept his addictive behaviors.

 

Benzodiazepines are dirty drugs. I would never recommend them to anyone. The fact that they are still legal boggles the mind because AFAIK they don't serve to treat ANYTHING. They just get you high, and using them for anxiety disorders just makes you dependent. I'm not going THERE again after 7 long years.

[Guest]

Thanks- you're right; for some reason I'm nervous to mention drugs by name specifically sometimes. what he's got is klonopin, very similar to xanax. His dr. was very happy when asked to go from 120 to 90. I don't think he is in any danger of real bad health risks. What he does is pick up a scrip, go thru it in about 5 days, and then stay sober a couple of weeks, bum off of this friend of his, have a little bienge, and then stay sober until he gets his next scrip.

I agree with you completely and personally have stayed away from doctors who are prescription-happy. I think anyone who would prescribe addictive pills like that to someone who was 24 at the time should be ashamed.

I like to take pills on occassion too.

People that love to eat pills are a special kind of annoying. You might know what I'm talking about. They forget everything, chatter incessantly, etc etc. I'd not tolerate it at all if it happened a lot and often. Since it doesn't, I feel like I'm being a jerk or not letting him have a good time.

We talked this over after April's scrip and I've been told that I'll see some changes starting this month, so we'll see. Feels kind of good to vent on here, since I want to be supportive of husband's efforts. Don't want to nag him about it but man it can be frustrating!

As for me, I went from something like a bottle of whiskey and five six packs a week, to a little less than a six pack, about twice a month. I love to drink, but cut back with no negatives except bad insomnia, feeling generally weird and always wanting to get drunk. haha. But it's for the best and I'm sure I'll be glad I did.

[milvushina]

Thanks- you're right; for some reason I'm nervous to mention drugs by name specifically sometimes. what he's got is klonopin, very similar to xanax. His dr. was very happy when asked to go from 120 to 90. I don't think he is in any danger of real bad health risks. What he does is pick up a scrip, go thru it in about 5 days, and then stay sober a couple of weeks, bum off of this friend of his, have a little bienge, and then stay sober until he gets his next scrip.

I agree with you completely and personally have stayed away from doctors who are prescription-happy. I think anyone who would prescribe addictive pills like that to someone who was 24 at the time should be ashamed.

I like to take pills on occassion too.

People that love to eat pills are a special kind of annoying. You might know what I'm talking about. They forget everything, chatter incessantly, etc etc. I'd not tolerate it at all if it happened a lot and often. Since it doesn't, I feel like I'm being a jerk or not letting him have a good time.

We talked this over after April's scrip and I've been told that I'll see some changes starting this month, so we'll see. Feels kind of good to vent on here, since I want to be supportive of husband's efforts. Don't want to nag him about it but man it can be frustrating!

As for me, I went from something like a bottle of whiskey and five six packs a week, to a little less than a six pack, about twice a month. I love to drink, but cut back with no negatives except bad insomnia, feeling generally weird and always wanting to get drunk. haha. But it's for the best and I'm sure I'll be glad I did.