How to improve love life / intimacy with wife?

[hubby]

O.K, I am going to do my best to keep this short – no one wants to read a long post. From what I have read so far in these forums, mine is a fairly common problem voiced among men…sexual. We have been married 10 years, have two children (4 and 1), we are both very well educated professionals, and she is currently a stay-at-home mom for one more year (her 3rd). I think we do a great job of splitting the housework and child rearing 50-50, although she obviously does quite a lot more with the children during the weekdays. I do get them up and fed in the morning, all of the cooking, clean bathrooms, vacuum, laundry, etc. Suffice to say, I am no slouch at home. I love my wife, I think she is incredibly beautiful, and the best mom in the world. However, I have not been happy ‘in the bedroom’ for quite some time. I would prefer more ‘adventurous’ activities in the bedroom and a frequency of about 3 – 5 times per week. I am fully aware of the differences in attraction and arousal between men and women and do my best to accommodate my wife’s needs. We talk constantly, I bring gifts, we cuddle, I tell her nice things and how I want her. I am extremely fit, exercise a lot, but am an average looking guy. The point is that, I feel, regardless of the effort I put into our intimacy to give her what she wants, I do not receive the sort of sex life I would like in return. All of the more ‘adventurous’ activities I would like to pursue (there are many) seem off limits. The frequency problem exists regardless of the amount of romance, twice per month seems to be her preferred frequency, and when we do make love it tends to be the same two or three acts. We are both otherwise happy, she claims she is very fulfilled, but quite frankly I am not. I think she can now see I am not happy, so a negative re-enforcing cycle is starting and we are beginning to distance each other. I wonder if she were with a more attractive man, would she be more willing? Am I ever going to fulfill my fantasies? I think about leaving quite often. I am still young (33), I have a spectacular career, I have a lot to offer a woman. I don’t want to cheat, and I think cheating will only come if I seek it out. I really, really don’t want to loose the kids. I can’t see a solution (I am a scientist, so I always seek to find the solution), and am now quite depressed. No way out?

[whichwayisup]

Don't entertain the thoughts of cheating. Is HOT SEX worth giving up your life as you know it, the comfort of your home, your kids, and your wife?? Do you feel that sexual that pursuing outside interests will make you happier? If so, divorce your wife.

 

If not, explain to your wife how you feel - Let her know how much you love and desire her - Take a trip away together, get a family member to take the kids more often, MAKE time for eachother and also, suggest marriage counselling - If that would help.

 

If it's just that you're not getting laid enough, you have to decide which is more important. A good hot sex life - Or a loving, stable, long term relationship with someone who you have children with.

 

Sounds like you two really need to talk and find out what you both feel and think. So, seriously, ask your folks or her folks to take the kids for a weekend and you two go away together.

[portableversion]

On what you mean by 'more adventurous'.

 

If you are talking about wearing racy lingerie, that' 'okay'.

 

OR if you talking about some crap that you saw on "Anal Gangbang Vol. IV" then you are going too far.

 

3-5 times a week? She'd probably get BORED with that much sex. Then it would become a chore.

 

If you have quality sexual relations, then you shouldn't complain.

[Presario]

The frequency problem exists regardless of the amount of romance, twice per month seems to be her preferred frequency, and when we do make love it tends to be the same two or three acts.

 

Twice a month is pretty good. Get ready to have sex once every month or every other month. And, wow, you have three acts - that's already great, because there are guys who are happy if they can entertain just one act. I guess for most women sex is a chore, so don't expect her to want it. It's not about you. She must love you, because she's with you and you have have kids together.

 

I don't think you can make someone want sex more. So my answer to your question is that you will not improve your sex life in a loving way.

 

If you don't like it, get a divorce. Just don't cheat.

[hubby]

So I get it, don't cheat. We all agree. I don't want to give up the good things I have (empathetic, kind woman, great children I love very much). I am not at all happy about the lack of 'hot sex'. I am simply not happy in my marriage. I don't thikn of it as trading one for the other, I would also be unhapy with great sex but a unintelligent woman, or one who is not empathetic, or inactive, etc. They all need to be present. It is important to me to have a great sex life, as important as any other aspect of my marriage, but no more so. So what am I to do? What is the solution?

 

I have talked about it, we say we should do more to make time or be more romantic. I have done everything or every act she has requested (she is shy, but I ask whenever I can). We make more time, sex has not improved. We have been 'trying' for a few years now to improve things. It isn't any better on vacation. There are simply lots of things she doesn't want to do. They apparently do not turn her on...they do turn me on. I will give her anything she asks for, I feel that she won't reciprocate. I can tell from the other posts on this site, that hot sex with a woman is not a rare thing to find. Many women seem to enjoy various activities with their husband. I would think marraige and a trusting partner would only loosen restrictions on libido. I read lots of women discussing the things they do with their SO and really wish I had that kind of loving.

 

I realize the more I ask for it, the more it is likely a chore. I don't want it to be a chore, if she doesn't like it I can tell and I don't want her to do it. Hence, I see no solution. BTW, I am talking about more than racy lingerie, but less that "Anal Gangbangs'. And why shouldn't I complain about an unfullfilling sexual relationship? As time goes on, I like every aspect of the marraige less and less. This is one of those things that just keeps growing and growing and driving me further and further. It is hard to describe how unhappy I have become. I feel very shallow and emberaased for my downfall is a sexual one, but I can't change how I feel. I can't alter my desires. This seems to be going nowhere.

[Mz. Pixie]

More than likely your wife doesn't understand that this is not just a physical need but also an emotional need. Most women do not get this. I know I didn't for a long time.

 

Everyone has emotional needs that they need to be filled. There is a website called marriagebuilders. Google it. There's a great questionaire out there that will help you two determine what your basic emotional needs are. DO NOT tell her you're doing this to improve your sex life- because that will imply that's all you care about. Tell her you'd like to take it to learn what pleases her most and learn how to make your marriage more happy. There is a questionaire for the wife and for the husband.

 

I think you need to define whether or not the adventurous activities are something that she finds disgusting or painful. There's lots of things I would consider doing sexually with my husband that we haven't done- but for instance, I would not have a threesome. Toys and such would be okay with me- but I wouldn't go for whips and chains or pain. Are you talking normal fun bedroom stuff or stuff the norm would consider deviant??

[alphamale]

if shes a stay-at-home mom she should be doing everything for the kids and all the housework.... I can't believe you're putting in 50+ hours at work and then having to come home and take care of the kids and cook and clean.

 

Thats bulls***, plain and simple.

[quankanne]

We have been 'trying' for a few years now to improve things. It isn't any better on vacation. There are simply lots of things she doesn't want to do. They apparently do not turn her on...they do turn me on. I will give her anything she asks for, I feel that she won't reciprocate. I can tell from the other posts on this site, that hot sex with a woman is not a rare thing to find. Many women seem to enjoy various activities with their husband. I would think marraige and a trusting partner would only loosen restrictions on libido. I read lots of women discussing the things they do with their SO and really wish I had that kind of loving.

 

first off, you really need to quit comparing your sex life to what you read or see ... you and your wife are in a unique situation, so all the outside stuff really doesn't apply to y'alls experience. You also must understand that as a woman matures and becomes more entrenched as "Mommy," she begins to identify more as the mother of those children, rather than as a lover. I imagine that by now, she's been just their mom much longer than she's been just your wife, so her focus on sex has shifted greatly.

 

that's not to say there isn't any hope, but you've got to put aside all your desires and wants for that explosive sex life for the meantime and concentrate on rebuilding your identity as a couple first and foremost. I think those people whose explosive lovelives you're finding on this site probably have in common the fact that they are able to still see each other as individuals, rather than "baby-momma" or "baby-daddy."

 

I've not been to the marriage builders site, but I understand it's very helpful for marriages. I wholeheartedly promote Marriage Encounter as a way to reconnect, because it helps husband and wife refocus on being a couple.

 

don't despair, just start changing the way you think about the problem and how to approach it. I imagine your wife loves you as dearly as you do her, but cannot see herself as anything but the mother of your children, and that's a hard image to step away from. With the right enouragement, though, she'll start looking at herself as your love partner again.

[Ladyjane14]

More than likely your wife doesn't understand that this is not just a physical need but also an emotional need. Most women do not get this. I know I didn't for a long time.

 

Everyone has emotional needs that they need to be filled. There is a website called marriagebuilders. Google it. There's a great questionaire out there that will help you two determine what your basic emotional needs are.

 

I agree that the EN questionairre would be beneficial. But I don't see this particular situation as an emotional need. I would think that to qualify as an EN, we'd be talking about something that improves the emotional intimacy of the relationship for BOTH partners. I doubt living life as somebody's Betty Blow Up Doll would really improve the quality of "emotional intimacy" from the wife's standpoint.

Maybe I'm just jaded like that. But I kind of doubt that 'getting some' 5 times a week and having it kinky would qualify overmuch as an EN.

 

Pardon me for being a skeptic today....but this sounds more like a porn problem than a relationship issue. Not to put words in the OP's mouth, but it sure seems that alot of the guys who complain about boring marital sex are frequent users of online porn.

[Ladyjane14]

if shes a stay-at-home mom she should be doing everything for the kids and all the housework.... I can't believe you're putting in 50+ hours at work and then having to come home and take care of the kids and cook and clean.

 

Thats bulls***, plain and simple.

 

And I can't believe YOU aren't dragging your knuckles when you walk.

 

No...seriously, I'm just kidding. I'm in a mood.

 

But being a SAHM is oftentimes fairly tedious. And it's really easy to get burnt-out on scrubbing toilets and mopping floors. Dishes and clothes need washed, and meals need to be made. Tomorrow it's all "same sh*t, different day". Meanwhile, you're just getting another day older and a whole lot less interesting if you're judged solely on your conversational skills. That is, unless you run into anybody who wants the skinny on Dora the Explorer, then you're in luck.

 

While I'm completely willing to agree with you that the SAHM should put in her 8 hours and earn her keep, just like the Going-To-Work-Dad....shouldn't Mom be able to 'hit the time clock' too? Fair's fair, afterall. Let the kids change their own diapers after 5 o'clock. The little ankle-biter's have had it too good for too long!~

[portableversion]

and porn is my diagnosis.

 

People see hot sex on TV, and sicko sex on porn, and read the lies in cyberspace and are like "i want my SEX LIFE to be like that on TV/Porn etc"

 

Get back to reality, OP.

 

You are looking for a 'perfect' woman ie., a hot little f*** monkey that only exists in your imagination.

 

Go ahead and ditch your kids, your life, and a loving wife for that SPECTER of hot sex. You'll regret it. EIther follow your BRAIN or your COKK. Your choice, son.

 

Tell us, what EXACTLY do you want to do, that she WON'T?

[Presario]

(...) I would also be unhapy with great sex but a unintelligent woman, or one who is not empathetic, or inactive, etc. They all need to be present. It is important to me to have a great sex life, as important as any other aspect of my marriage, but no more so. So what am I to do? What is the solution?

 

Maybe you have unrealistic expectations? On one hand you want a stable, loving, carying, and intelligent wife, and on the other hand you want a crazy sex animal. I have a feeling that those qualities are mutually exculsive.

 

When you read that someone has a great sex life, you assume that everything else is great too. It doesn't have to be so. I also read a couple of times here at LoveShack someone flaunting their sex lifes. Then I read their archive posts and learned that they cheated, been cheated, got divorced, and had many, many other problems.

 

I even have friends who had explosive sex lives, but they were still unhappy, and left. I prefer to have an overall satisfying relationship, even if sex is rather unfulfiling.

[whichwayisup]

As time goes on, I like every aspect of the marraige less and less. This is one of those things that just keeps growing and growing and driving me further and further. It is hard to describe how unhappy I have become. I feel very shallow and emberaased for my downfall is a sexual one, but I can't change how I feel. I can't alter my desires. This seems to be going nowhere.

Then maybe it's time for marriage counselling, or atleast some individual counselling with you so you can figure things out. It's one thing to have a sex life that is routine and/boring, unfulfilling, but to say that other aspects of your marriage isn't great and it's getting worse, that's very serious. Seems like sooner or later you have some choices to make.

 

I feel for what you're going through, though at the same time, it could be daily life is the same...the whole routine, day in and day out...

 

Your wife really needs to make an effort, to BE a wife to you...I think some counselling for her would help, or even her seeing a sex therapist to help get over her issues and become more comfortable with sex, and her body. TO learn HOW to explore and enjoy sex instead of it feeling dirty or wrong.

 

Don't give up - Live for those better days, and when you are feeling down and wondering wtf to do with the marriage, spend time with your kids.

[sumdude]

I agree with whichwayisup, it's time for some councelling. It can't hurt. It's also a science in a way.

 

Also I see you've been married 10 years, so you were 23 at the time? Probably knew your wife a couple of years before that so you met and married young. Now maybe you're wondering what you may have missed? You've both grown and changed and you're possibly a bit restless? Looking for the greener grass on the other side?

 

Just guessing....

[whichwayisup]

Do you think if your wife knew, and i mean REALLY KNEW how unhappy you are, she would see things differently and make a huge effort to make life good again at home? Maybe if she knew you've had thoughts of leaving her will snap her out of it and wake up her, so she'll realize what she 'could' lose if she doesn't start making an effort.

[Ladyjane14]

It's one thing to have a sex life that is routine and/boring, unfulfilling, but to say that other aspects of your marriage isn't great and it's getting worse, that's very serious.

 

Having preschool aged kids is a strain on almost everyone's marriage. The one-year old will still be in diapers and learning to walk....probably still putting whatever junk s/he finds straight into the mouth. It's a constant struggle to keep a baby that size from self-destruction, either choking on something or banging their head on the edge of the coffeetable.

 

Meanwhile, the four-year old is needing attention too. Four is a fun age where your kid is a little more self-aware, testing boundaries, and learning new skills everyday. And it's difficult to be attentive to your older kid when the baby is taking up so much of your time.

 

Maybe it's the fumes from the carpet-cleaning solution talking....(I'm in domestic goddess role this week doing the spring cleaning:p )....but I'm having a hard time identifying a real problem here. This all seems fairly 'par for the course' to me.

 

There's ALOT of real estate between "more than racy lingerie, but less that Anal Gangbangs". It's hard to tell if these folks are dealing with something outside 'the norm' for young married couples with little kids.

 

'Division of Labor' is just another aspect of the same marital stress during, what I think, is the most demanding part of family development. EVERYBODY's tired in that situation. I know my husband an I fought about household chores when our kids were small. When I think back, I can't remember any other couples who didn't.

[movinon05]

I think I'm in a bit of a disagreement here with some of these posters.

 

I had 2 children back to back, within 1 year of each other. and another 5 years later. while my sex drive lagged a bit from being tired, it did not stop us from having sex, especially more often than twice a month!! Gosh! He also says he helps alot around the house. And he has said they go away, but it doesn't change things.

 

I don't know that the fact that she has had babies has changed her way of thinking about things in the bedroom, although I'm sure that happens. I don't know what they did before the babies though.

 

There's nothing wrong with a man wanting to spice things up in the bedroom and it doesn't sound like he's asking for anything unreasonable. I don't know that I agree with that porn thing either. But so what? The man desires his wife. Sex is not a naughty thing and he wants it with his wife for gosh sakes!

 

For both their sakes, I hope they try counselling. JMHO.

[SoleMate]

Not to pry, but exactly what are these activities that you would like to try? Please be specific. This is Loveshack, there is effectively nothing that you can't tell us. I can help you more if I understand.

 

I also recommend the book The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. Let's be clear...many couples would not consider your twice a month, routine lovemaking with a willing partner who is a great companion to constitute sexual starvation. However, you are dissatisfied, and hence questioning your marriage, and therefore you both should read the book, IMO.

 

BTW, you have not even begun to gather all the data or explore all the options, so it's way too early to arrive at a solution.

 

Also please check out the marriage builders website for Emotional Needs, as I think was suggested above.

 

Good luck!

[Mz. Pixie]

I never thought of porn, you guys, because it's never been a problem for me or anyone I've ever been with. That's a good answer though, perhaps that is the problem??

 

LJ had a good point that the EN questionaire is to enrich both partners, not just the one- but since he is here and she is not- I was referencing it more to his problem I guess rather than her.

 

Solemate is right- we've heard it all on this site- and it's helpful to us to see what exactly you want to explore. We're healthy, normal women here who probably have a real clear insight into this topic. Perhaps we can help you identify whether or not this is more your problem or hers??

 

Would you be satisfied with a increase in frequency or is this more of a what she won't do thing? Because I think sex can be negotiated in a marriage just like anything else- say if you want it five times a week and she wants it once every two weeks then she needs to bend a little and so do you and you guys come up with a number that's comfortable for you both. For instance, I prefer sex probably around 4 times a week in my marriage now. My H works two jobs and is tired alot- and two times a week is more along his lines. So, we compromise on three most times. It's not set in stone but it's a guideline we use when things are rolling along nicely. That being said, no one is sick- no one is under terrible stress- etc.

 

Are you guys making time for each other outside of the bedroom? Do you have a certain time the two of you try to settle down every night to talk or cuddle? This might be helpful. My H and I try to go to our room around 9-9:30 even when we have the kids- they go to bed at 8:30-9:00 and then we're off. Doesn't mean we're having sex- but that's our connecting time.