Mistaken Identity Posted May 15, 2006 Share Posted May 15, 2006 Is it really a fear of abandonment, as I've read? Are they really that concerned about their children, or do they do it for selfish reasons? I'm in my forties and I'm still being controlled. I want to stop playing along, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedGal Posted May 15, 2006 Share Posted May 15, 2006 Have you read my posts about my mom?? I am 27 and married and my mom tries to control, claims she doesnt "interfere", and throws massive tantrums to the point that she takes herself to the ER just to get attention... She is only 54. She isnt even old. I have been seeking therapy. My doc says my mom definitely has a borderline personality issue... But it hampers one's growth BIG time!! You sound kind of like me...Like she hampers you from growing up and making your own decisions... That's what I feel like with mine. That's why I have been toying with the idea of moving far away with my husband if we get the chance... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mistaken Identity Posted May 15, 2006 Author Share Posted May 15, 2006 I have read your posts. Your mom is extreme. My mom threatened suicide all the time we were growing up. That, or she talked about killing us (using car exhaust and a long hose) or giving us to foster homes. Now that we're all older and married and moved away (except me), she seems to have changed. But has she really? Or have my siblings just stopped letting her take over? The last two stunts she pulled was to convince me to send my STBX husband away on Christmas Eve. He had done some things of which she didn't approve, and she would not get off the plane to visit (this is when I tried living somewhere else) unless he was gone. To keep the peace--and because I was mad at my husband--I agreed. We've been separated ever since. In fact, she gave me the book, "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken" for Christmas. BTW, she bought the book before she caught the plane! Before that, she refused to stay at my daughter's 8th grade graduation because my daughter didn't want her picture taken. Now we live across the street from each other. She does EVERYTHING for me. I feel so indebted. And I don't trust my judgment any more. Does she really care about my welfare? Why does she do everything for me? I just want to be able to make my own decisions and mistakes without feeling as though I've betrayed her. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedGal Posted May 15, 2006 Share Posted May 15, 2006 I think your mom thrives on feeling "needed". If she is not needed, she has nothing. She can't bug your siblings, cause they don't live there... My mom clearly told me last week, "We have expectations from you because you live here. If you didnt, we wouldnt. We have no expectations from your brother, because he doesnt live here." And my mom controls my dad to the point that he is this puppet echoing everything she says. And I feel bad for him too. He has the potential to be a normal person, if she didnt influence him so much. There are so many things he wanted to do in his life...go camping, travel etc. Never happened cause Mom didnt like being outdoors...I would love to take my Dad camping. BUt Mom would get so jealous if we only took him. But yet she wouldnt want to go.. He has not been back to visit India in 20 years. His family is there. He hasnt gone cause Mom doesnt like his family and guilts him into not going... Anyways, about you...I think your mother just wants to feel needed and important...What may have started as a genuine concern for a daughter in a bad marriage (I believe you said it was bad) has turned into her being "used to" having control over you and being used to you listening. But right now, you are in your forties!! You NEED To have your own life!! What would be her reaction to you telling her you think she is controlling you?? By the way, why did you move across the street when you lived far away?? And why do you feel "indebted"? Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedGal Posted May 15, 2006 Share Posted May 15, 2006 One more comment. I just read the background in your other post...I think your mother doing EVERYTHINg for you, from baking for you to paying for your meals makes you feel incapable... She might think she is helping, but in reality she is handicapping you from being able to care for yourself. So I am curious, how does she react with your daughter?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mistaken Identity Posted May 15, 2006 Author Share Posted May 15, 2006 Hi again. I lived in my house for years before my mom bought the house across the street from me. Then I tried to move to another house (which she owns) in Texas. We put my house up for sale. But it didn't sell, so I just came back home and now my nephew rents the house in Texas. My mom thinks my daughter is rude because my daughter will call her on her "drama." We would never dare do that! Okay, you say she needs to feel needed. I think that's true. So, am I supposed to feel sorry for her? I feel indebted because she does everything for me. She never lets me repay her. I think thats a control tactic. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedGal Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 Hi MI, Paying for everything is TOTALLY a control tactic!! My mom did that too! ANd then later it would come back to obligate me (still does.) NO, you should NOT have to continuously make her feel needed. Although honestly, its really difficult not letting her interfere in your every day life if you live across the street... Is there any way you can move? Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedGal Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 And about repaying her, why dont you buy her a huge gift?? In your mind, this will be a repayment. And for her, she will appreciate it... Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 You just have to be a grown up. Stop actin glike a child and kowtowing to their wishes. Yes it will hurt their feelings, but they are adults. They get over it. My mother stopped speaking to me for an entire year when I left home. I kept going with my life and eventually she came around. You just have to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mistaken Identity Posted May 16, 2006 Author Share Posted May 16, 2006 CG, I thought about the huge gift idea. Usually when I buy her something she takes it back for a refund. She'll say, "I don't want you to spend so much money on me." I guess I could get her something and throw away the receipt. I've made her presents before and she seemed to like those. Blind Otter: I know you're right about growing up. After all, if she's going to stop talking to me for making (what she consders to be) a mistake, then maybe I'm better off...I wouldn't treat my daughters like that. BTW, she has disowned me off and on since I was in my 20s. And a few years ago she stopped talking to me for months when I told her she insulted me. She only "forgave" me after I approached her first. I have seen a counselor regarding this and she told me I need to set boundaries. Duh! Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedGal Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 OK, this whole issue of boundary setting as recommended by therapists is VERY difficult with some moms LIKE mine and sounds like yours! My therapist told me, write your mom a nice card saying you want a good relationship with her but you need boundaries...As if my mom would suddenly be like "OK! Sounds fine!" She would throw tantrums, cry and be hospitalized for some random reason. I cant take more drama right now. I really cant... If we had NORMAL mom, boundary setting is not a problem...Fact is, WE DONT!!! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 Blind Otter: I know you're right about growing up. After all, if she's going to stop talking to me for making (what she consders to be) a mistake, then maybe I'm better off...I wouldn't treat my daughters like that. BTW, she has disowned me off and on since I was in my 20s. And a few years ago she stopped talking to me for months when I told her she insulted me. She only "forgave" me after I approached her first. I have seen a counselor regarding this and she told me I need to set boundaries. Duh! My mom is crazy. I accept it and treat her accordingly. She told me she cut me out of the will. I smiled and told her I love her no matter what and money isn't important, and if she felt the need to do that, that is OK. Of course I came on LS and posted a bit long bitch about her, but whenever she called I was all smiles and "I love you to bits!!!!" When my mother disowned me for moving out, I just let her do it. I never approached her. I basically showed her that I was her daugher. Anythign she can dish out to me, I can take it and dish it back. I am strong. Stronger than her. It is hard to set boundaries but you do it. You have to. Or be paralyzed with fear and hurt for the rest of your life. I learned long ago that I was respnosible for my own happiness. i cannot take the easy way and just take what she dishes out and accept it. Your mistake was going to her for forgiveness. You shouldn't have gone approached her. I had to hold out for a year. My Dad tried everything to get my Mom to relent. She finally did, on her terms. We are still very cold to one another but things have improved. She no longer tries to control my life. But I had to do the work. I had to separate myself from her and ignore her temper tantrums. I had to make the effort. No one else will do it for you, and no matter how long you put it off, you will have to go through that pain in order to be free. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mistaken Identity Posted May 16, 2006 Author Share Posted May 16, 2006 CG what would happen if we just let them be mad at us? We give them their power because they manipulate us with guilt. But what is the worst that would happen if we just stopped feeling bad? The question is, do we have the guts to pull if off? Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedGal Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 MI....I dont know!! I mean, I dont know if I have guts to handle more drama and ER trips for her and my Dad accusing me for everything wrong and my brother just sitting across the country like an idiot without doing anything...I dont know if I cam just "not let it affect me."! At least right now... I have to visit my mom today...alone! My dad isnt there today so she wanted me to come spend an evening with her. Time to put on the invisible shield!! Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedGal Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 MI, I have to comment... You seem like me in that this dominates your life a lot... Same here...Its rough and its so hard to ignore...I mean, its like, you WISH your mom was just normal and could be your "mom". And you hang on to the hope that one day she will change...But yet you know she wont and that kills you... And I know I do not have the capacity to cut off my parents...I just dont! Link to post Share on other sites
hooghie Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 Boy can I relate to you guys! My mom really is an awesome mom- she would cut her right arm off for me, but she is also very very controlling and boy is she good at guilting me! My dad isn't controlling, but he can be a real jerk and is very verbally abusive. My sister is also extremely verbally abusive. I have decided that my only option is to move far away. I'm in the process of looking for jobs and making that happen. Blind_Otter: I don't know how you do it. You are my hero! I don't think I'm strong enough to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mistaken Identity Posted May 16, 2006 Author Share Posted May 16, 2006 Did you guys see this link? http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ControllingParents/ Maybe we can spread our misery over there, too. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
tripledigit Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 Guys, my mum is probably not as controlling as yours sounds, but I can totally relate to the "guilt" issue. You can read about my dilemma in previous posts, but basically, yes, because they are gambling and argue, everytime I tried to get out in the past, my mum especially makes me feel like i'm abandoning her. I told her once that I was thinking of going to japan to teach for a year, and she cried and said that i am all she has left and it'd kill her if i went. So i didn't end up going. Mind you, it was only a half baked idea anyway, but that's not the point! Now, they are giving me guilt for wanting to move out after i get married, firstly cos it'd suit them for me to live at home with them (i'm paying the mortgage), and secondly just cos i think they would be lonely if all their kids went. I used to understand and feel sorry for them, but now i'm like "that's life guys! get used to it". of course i don't tell them that directly, but i have tried to hint that it's natural for us to want to move out after getting married etc. she tells me "why do you want to follow everyone else?" She makes me feel callous for wanting to live alone and let them worry about rent and living costs. But the fact is - even if they didnt' have this financial issue, I would want to move out anyway. Anyway, so that's my story. I've hinted i NEED to have my own house when i get married -feeling sorry for them has always got in the way of me resolving to get out for good cos i feel l have to look after them. But after last night, when i found out they are STILL going gambling, i'm just so angry and if they aren't going to change, why should i sacrifice my independence to look after them? mind you, i'm feeling that way now because i'm totally angry at them right now -i might not have such a resolve in a few days time!! Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedGal Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Hi Tripledigit, I believe I have read your post. YOu are Asian correct? And live in Australia?? (Or am I mistaken?) Anyways, with all due respect, WAKE UP!!! I would DIE if I had to LIVE with my parents after I got married!!! Especially with you mum telling you she would die if you went away?? She sounds almost as dramatic as my mom! DONT LIVE WITH THEM AFTER MARRIAGE! YOU DESERVE AT LEAST THAT FREEDOM!! I am SHOCKED your fiance has agreed to this...I mean, LIVE separately, and support them financially if BOTH you and your husband are OK with it.... Really, you are are young. At least have that much distance!! Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedGal Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 HOogie, I agree with you...Even I feel that the best solution for me and my husband is to eventually move away... Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 A good parent gives their child the tools to be an adult, and sends them out into the world maybe with a little worry, but mostly confident that they gave their child the tools they need to be successful. A neurotic parent, possibly due to their own dysfunctional experience growing up, is unable to do that. In this case it's the child's burden to cut the umbilical cord. I think that, because of what I went through subsequently, in addition to my childhood, I was raped as a teenager. I never shared this with my parents. It did serve a purpose. It taught me that I could endure things that are horrible and frightening, and I could do it alone. It showed me how strong I am. And I think that, if you grow with this family dynamic, you ARE strong. You are just constantly tricked into thinking that you aren't. And if you give in to those negative thought patterns, then it truely becomes your fault that you are in that predicament. The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Link to post Share on other sites
Noos Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 I think it's fear of abandonment, fear of being superfluous to you, the need for drama because she hasn't got anything else from which to see a sense of worth. She needs hobbies. Tell her to take up golf. People gt absolutely obsessed about their golf game to the exclusion of all else! Link to post Share on other sites
hooghie Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 You have a point Noos. My mom lives through everyone else's happiness- she doesn't know how to make her own. It's a lot of pressure. She REALLY IS a wonderful human being that does everything for everyone, but she basically lives for her children and that is a lot of pressure. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedGal Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Same here!! She lives through me. And tries to control me big time... And has the most WARPED way of thinking.... Has these preconceived notions of the way she thinks mothers and daughters SHOULD be... And doesnt understand that your daughter MIGHT have her own opinions and may NOT agree with you but that doesnt mean she hates you! I went over for one night last night to seee her. Fortunately she was in a good mood. Still, her indirect examples of other daughters and what they do came out of course...Also about how great other son-inlaws are. My husband is a Leo. My brother is as well. So she goes "Leos are such difficult people. All of them. YOur brother. Your husband. They always want to get their own way." Then she talks about how awful Indian mother-in-laws are (We are Indian) and how they just brainwash their sons. (My MIL is in India and I love her to death cause she is so cool, and my mom is jealous. Also not realizing that she says awful things which is why her SIL stays away, not cause his mom whom he speaks with once every two weeks tells him to!!) So she kept giving examples and I kept trying to change the topic or ignored what she said anc continued to watch the finale of Scrubs. :-D But ultimately, I think we need to move away...I fear how she would react if my inlaws came to stay for awhile. She would die of pure jealousy. Link to post Share on other sites
hooghie Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 CG- I'm from Iran and I think our cultures are similar in this respect. My family was at least 75% of the reasons that led to my divorce. If you love your husband- don't let that happen! I always get the 'so and so does this' too. They are soooo good at making me feel like sh*& and the worst daughter in the world! I've been wondering lately if the benefits of having a close family are outweighed by all of the drawbacks. I use to think my culture was so much better than the American 'you're 18 now...see ya' attitude, but I don't think so anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts