ConfusedGal Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Hoogie I agree...And our cultures are VERY similar...However, my parents came from india a good 34 years ago...They havent changed. Parents in india HAVE CHANGED WITH TIME! Also, I think they have created their own "warped" culture...They live in a bubble... My mom is SOOOO messed up...I mean, my dad hasnt gone to visit his family for 20 years in India because my mom guilts him into not going cause of the fear that they will "brainwash" him... (If anyone disagrees with my mom, or gives ANYONE more attention than her, they have been "brainwashed".) My mom can twist ANYTHING to be about her...ANYTHING! Liek she cant stand anyone getting compliments but her... I think I wrote this here the other day in the posting "My MOm on Mother's Day". Read it... I am afraid my mom will lead to my husband and my separation if we dont move away...And its hard because you have this guilty feeling of abandoning them, but you HAVE To lead your life...I mean, no matter what I do, its not enough. My mom clearly told me last week "We have these expectations from you because you live here. If you didnt, we wouldnt. We dont have expectations of your brother cause he doesnt live here." So there. Boom. WHich makes me ask, UM WHY DO I LIVE HERE?? Now that I am an attorney and make very good money, I get constant examples of daughters who financially support their parents. ARGHHH! Hoogie, dont mind me asking but how old are you? I am 27...married for 3 1/2 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 MI- No offense, but I don't see CG's mom as being any more extreme than yours! Your mom threatened to kill you with exhaust fumes?? She threatened to kill herself?? Sounds like she is mentally ill. Have you read about BPD??? Check out http://www.bpdcentral.com. Sometimes borderlines are violent. I was in a support group with one girl in her 20's who still lived with her BPD mom. Her mom killed her cat because she felt like the girl loved the cat more than her. Diane Downs is a woman who was convicted of killing some of her kids and injuring others. Ann Rule wrote a book about her- she was borderline as well. This is beyond controlling. My husband is close with his parents and they do try to still "parent" him and I consider that a bit controlling at times, but it's harmless. This kind of stuff is not. Refusing to attend an event because your daughter wouldn't get her picture made. That is the action of a two year old- which is basically all they are anyway! Link to post Share on other sites
hooghie Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 I'm 35. My family has been here for over 30 years. They came BEFORE the revolution. Funny how you said that people in India have changed with time- same with Iran, but my folks are stuck in some lala land that I'm not even sure ever existed. My mom compliments me and others. What SHE can't stand is me saying anything positive about someone else. FOr example, if I say I ate something delicious at someone's house- within days, she makes the same thing and looks for me to say 'wow this is better.' If I say a friend's mom can sew- she'll say 'I'll sew anything you want' - she can't even sew a button!! I read your other post. Seems like your brother has figured out exactly how to deal with her and give her what she wants without it affecting HIS life. I need to learn from him! I just became an attorney. I spent years working as an engineer. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedGal Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Hoogie, I am an attorney and also an engineer too!...Weird!!! Are you a patent attorney?? That is what I do... Link to post Share on other sites
hooghie Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 I haven't taken the patent bar yet. I am going to IM you in a bit.... Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedGal Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Hi, I dont know how to IM on this...You can send me a PM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mistaken Identity Posted May 19, 2006 Author Share Posted May 19, 2006 My husband is coming to visit in a few days. I feel sick to my stomach every time I think about the stress that his visit is going to cause between me, my mom, and my oldest daughter. But I'm trying to think about myself, and my youngest daughter, for a change. I want to get mad --not feel guilty. To tell the truth, I can't get over the years of abuse my mom put us all through. I mean, I try to make her happy because that's the way she's conditioned me. (I just thought, maybe in addition to BPD, we should be checking online for the signs of abused women. Do we have something in common with women who are beaten by their husbands, then take them back after they apologize? Seems like a similar dynamic. Or maybe it's similar to Stockholm's Syndrome, where we sympathize with our captors?) Anyway, I want to remember the abuse and not focus on how "helpful" she is and how I owe her. Maybe she owes me. After all, she ruined my childhood, and that of my siblings. She could never make that right. I'm psyching myself up. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedGal Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 I have avoided having my inlaws come to visit from India at all only because I fear their interaction with my mother... Its not fair to my husband. And I LIKE them! But the last time his sister came, my mom said such hurtful things to her that she went home in tears (and she is a STRONG person.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mistaken Identity Posted May 19, 2006 Author Share Posted May 19, 2006 That's terrible of your mother. Can't you in-laws come and stay away from your mom? Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedGal Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 Hi MI, I wish it were THAT simple. We live closeby and I am Indian...It would be AWFUL for them to come here and not visit and hang out with my parents. ANd also, whenn we are at work, my inlaws would be at home laone, and I KNOW my mom would come over all the time to spend time with them...I FEAR that so much. I know she would say so many stupid and hurtful things to them. My fear of this interaction has been what has kept me from inviting them... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mistaken Identity Posted May 19, 2006 Author Share Posted May 19, 2006 The in-laws can't stay in a hotel? I mean, they might jump at the chance if they knew it would keep them away from your mom and her insults. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mistaken Identity Posted May 20, 2006 Author Share Posted May 20, 2006 I told my mom that my husband is coming for a visit. She said, "Oh, yeah? Well, he's just gonna stay forever." Then added, "He's not gettin' that truck back until he pays me for it." I said, "I know," in an exasperated tone. Then my husband called and I told him what she said and he threatened to call the police if she won't turn it over, and blah blah blah. Anyway, to make a long story short, my mom beeped in while I was talking to him and started lecturing me on how she hates to see him hurt me and the girls (by not working, running off, etc.) and I told her I would have to talk to her later. So, she called my sister and told her that she's "cutting me off." She's selling her house and moving to another town. She said she's worried that I'll take my H's truck before he pays her for moving it. (I would never do that--that's between the two of them.) She even went so far as to say he is a pervert who masturbated in front of my daughters. My sister defended me, saying she knows I wouldn't let that happen. And, BTW, he's not a pervert and would never do such a thing! So my mom said the girls were in their rooms. How does she know this? The truth is, I found evidence (Kleenex) that he had masturbated in the living room, but I have no idea when he did it. I'm assuming it was late at night. So how the hell would she know when he did it? She's outrageous. Now I'm expecting her to call CPS on me. Crazy as this sounds, I'm glad it's happening this way. It just proves that she is a manipulator and I don't have to feel sorry for her or give her my soul any more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mistaken Identity Posted May 21, 2006 Author Share Posted May 21, 2006 I'm starting to feel like this is my personal blog. Thought I would leave a last update. My mom and I got into a screaming match in my driveway. She took the van "she bought for me and my daughters" but of course never put in my name. She took the cell phones that she gave us for Christmas, as well as her house keys. Thank goodness I got my car running less than an hour before she showed up or I'd have nothing to drive. As it is, I have no phone. But that's my own fault for using the cell phones. She said she was not going to enable me and that my SOB husband has no business coming to visit our daughter, or being around little girls, etc. etc. Who knows, my husband may turn out to be an irresponsible jerk. Chances are he will. Then I'll go ahead with the divorce. But she should've waited a few days to see how things went. Instead, it's all about her. So, I'm finished with her. It makes me sad, and I feel guilty. But I can't take it any more. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedGal Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 MI, All in all, probably a better thing for you...I was just relieved to not see my folks this weekend... Its sad but my husband keeps saying "Dont you feel like buying a house?" and I am like "Um yeah..." The truth is I am afraid to buy a house cause that would mean we are stuck here for a good three years...I dont want that!! I am still hanging on to the hope that my husbands company will give him a transfer opportunity again in the next month (its a possibility.) Lets see... But MI, sounds like this is good for you... Keep us posted Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedGal Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 MI, All in all, probably a better thing for you...I was just relieved to not see my folks this weekend... Its sad but my husband keeps saying "Dont you feel like buying a house?" and I am like "Um yeah..." The truth is I am afraid to buy a house cause that would mean we are stuck here for a good three years...I dont want that!! I am still hanging on to the hope that my husbands company will give him a transfer opportunity again in the next month (its a possibility.) Lets see... But MI, sounds like this is good for you... Keep us posted Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 Is it really a fear of abandonment, as I've read? Are they really that concerned about their children, or do they do it for selfish reasons? I'm in my forties and I'm still being controlled. I want to stop playing along, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. my parents were sociopaths i think they liked the control Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 what i meant was, they like the power Link to post Share on other sites
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