Girlfriend earns much more ... anyone else in the same boat?

[Guest]

When my girlfriend and I started dating, we were both struggling recent graduates. Since then, however, her career has steamed ahead, while mine hasn't. As of last year, she was earning double me. By next year, it could be triple. Don't get me wrong, she works hard and deserves the success. I am proud of her. But I am also having a hard time dealing with this.

 

First, I can't easily deal with the sudden lack of equality in the relationship. She wants a new car? She can just buy one. She asks me, of course, but how can I say no? And, honestly, I can't help simmering with resentment when she tries to involve me in the decision. I know she's not teasing or mocking me, but I can't help feel that's the result. Still, the car isn't a problem. That's hers. But now she wants a new house. We each pay half the mortgage on our current one, but if we get the new one she wants, half the mortgage is nearly my salary! Of course, she wouldn't expect me to pay half, but I'm not sure I could "share" a house I am not paying for, even with my girlfriend!

 

Second, the financial discrepancy is causing conflict. Recently, we went overseas. She wanted to fly business class, but I couldn't afford it. She offered to pay for me, but I refused. So she ended up flying economy to be with me. I know she was somewhat pissed off, but she's always careful to try to live "down" to me, because I won't let her pay for me to live up. I'm aware that sounds stupid, but I have some pride you know? And when I do accept her paying for me, I feel guilty for sponging on her.

 

Finally, there is the problem of our impending marriage. We have always intended to marry, and I still love her, and adore her, and want to marry her. But now I'm wondering if, in doing so, I am being fair to her. She's beautiful and nice, she could find a rich man and live in splendor, rather than just carting around her useful old boyfriend (and now her kept man). I'm seriously thinking of stepping away, for both our goods. I'd be devasted, and so would she, but it may turn out best in the end. I can see myself being very depressed if my woman keeps me all my life.

 

I don't know that I want advice, exactly. But I am curious. Have other men had these issues with girlfriends/wives who earned more? How did you cope?

[cutegirl]

I earn significantly more more than my bf does and it causes a lot of problems...

 

I think our income gaps are kind of big, this year I'm set to make around 150k and he makes under 20k... The thing is that I feel like he is getting spoiled and he doesn't manage money well. Even though I make more, I'm very cheap and frugal, and even though he doesn't make a lot, he sure likes to spend it. He loves to eat fine food, only salmon and seafood, and he somehow managed to go negative in the bank (by overdrawing) because he knows I will be there to back him up.

 

The thing is I'm not a gold digger and I don't need a man to make more than me. I would be fine with my bf making the amount that he does as long as his spending habits were similar to mine, but I feel like he's too extravagant even though he doesn't make any and he's always asking me to buy him things all the time. I am very tight with my money because I worked hard for it. He's not like that all, when we argue about how much he borrowed from me he always says things lik "it's only a few thousand dollars, no f---'en big deal, I'm going to make a lot of money someday." I don't know how he can say a few thousand dollars is no big deal when he's actually negative in the bank, and i had to transfer money over to his accnt to get him out of the hole.

 

He hasn't paid rent at all since February... we agreed that he doesn't have to pay half, but a lesser amount and he still can't even pay that.

 

I think most of the time my bf copes with it just fine, He has no problem letting me take the lead and be in charge. But sometimes when I complain during a fight he will say something like he deserves me buying him such and such because I "extract energy" out of him and drain him emotionally/mentally

(by nagging or aguing I guess) so he's saying that's how he justifies living off me.

 

I don't think its a big deal if your gf makes more though. Someone has to make more, so why should it matter if it's you or her? it's only a big deal if you both can't compromise on how to manage the finances.