my situation using no contact... any advise??

[rising]

my boyfriend of 5+ years blindsided me by breaking up abruptly, crying while saying he fell out of love with me. i truly do not believe he has fallen out of love with me as we shared so many magical times and less than a year ago he seemed to love me so much that it scared him how much he loved me... (um, that could be a problem huh?)

 

we broke up 3 months ago, and the first month i was freaked out and had anxiety and contacted him pretty often, just waiting for us to get back together. i noticed that i was giving my power away as he wasn't being his usual self but some brick wall reaction of strength coldly telling me it is over & that he doesn't love me anymore and that we would never get back together. talking with him in person gave me the reaction superman has to cyrptonite.

 

i still can't believe it happened, but i have been searching this post for the past month at least. i have employed no contact just to see what it would do and after 8 days he called me 5 times in one day (i let it go to voice mail, each message sounding more desperate, last one in tears and anxiety). since i didn't answer the phone, he went into my work (i work at a bar) & luckily i had just left. i got home and he called again twice. no answer from me.

 

the next morning he called again twice, and i didn't answer the calls, but i was inside so glad to see that this no contact thing was working... then i heard a knock on my door (i answered it because i thought it was the fedex guy). there he stood, shaking and crying asking me why i didn't answer his calls, and if i really could forgive him for the abrupt ending (he tried to date someone immediately after he broke up with us, and that proved to be a disaster, of course).

 

i told him that i did forgive him, and that i was just not in the headspace to answer his calls as i was so busy, which is true. he was having really bad anxiety and asked if he could come in. i let him (and i really shouldn't have as we ended up having sex which i really should've know better).

 

he came in and walked immediately into my room i guess looking to see if there was evidence that i had someone over lately? then he looked at all my pictures on the refridgerator and started pacing around...

 

he said many things that gave me such mixed messages (like saying that he was thinking we could date each other a bit, but that we would just end up breaking up again in a couple of years). he also said he had this fantasy that he just wanted to be left alone, and have an independant life and work in the yard, date other people... etc. etc... but that in reality, he is so lonely and wakes up miserable. then he asked if he could lay down for a bit. i let him, actually inside pleased to see all this happening, but i kept my cool and would not talk to him about our relationship because every other time i did i felt like it ended with me giving away some power.

 

we went to one couples counseling visit, which was awful for me, because he told the counselor that he fell out of love with me 8 months previous, and had lost sexual attration to me. (which is untrue to me since during those whole 8 months we would have sex at least 5-6 times a week, often with him initiating and him pleasing me... the night before he broke up with us, i woke up to him pleasing me --what gives with him saying that in counseling?).

 

so, we did end up having sex this last day that he came over (i didn't touch him though, he pleased me -i at least gave myself that one boundry). we've had sex on 4 different occasions these last 3 months of this breakup.

 

afterwords, we talked a little and he promised me that he would not drag me into his future anxiety, and that he did still feel that he fell out of love with me. i just told him that it was nice seeing him, and that i didn't want to hear that again, that it just sounded damaging, and that "i got it".

 

the next day i ran into him at a coffee shop (we live very close to each other), and he again apologized and tried to assure me that he wasn't trying to give mixed messages. i again said "i got it", and smiled a bit, and said i had to take off. that was about 11 days ago.

 

i haven't seen him or called him since (and as far as me contacting him, it's been about 17 days). he hasn't called me either.

 

i'm still in love, and i really believe that inside he loves me too. i keep hoping that he will crack, and come to my door and tell me he was just confused and of course loves me & wants to get back together.

 

i'm going to keep using no contact, i have a goal of a month at least. restarting from the day he contacted me.

 

does anyone think that this can work to get us back together? i think we had a pretty special thing going... we matched so great, and everyone is so surprised that he broke up with us. many people thought that i would've been the one to break up with him as he seemed to be the "needy one"

 

one more very important thing to mention: he is 25, and i just turned 40 a month before we broke up... we've been together since he was 19. it never seemed to be a big deal to anyone, not even his parents -he always assured me that it was no big deal, he was the one that initially pursued me, and he always was so proud that i was his boyfriend -lit up whenever i walked into the room. i look very young & he looks about 27, or 28... we matched very nice physically... and i know mentally and emotionally many of the years were nothing short of magic.

 

i am so confused about the eventaul outcome of this.... any advise? thanks

[Whitt]

Make this guy chase after you if he wants to get back together. You are valuable and deserve that. He wronged you and needs to make amends for it. Also - stop having sex with him. You're a woman and can get it anytime you want it. Make him earn it.