8 days of NC, & he is knocking on my door crying...

[rising]

my boyfriend of 5+ years blindsided me by breaking up abruptly, crying while saying he fell out of love with me. i truly do not believe he has fallen out of love with me as we shared so many magical times and less than a year ago he seemed to love me so much that it scared him how much he loved me... (um, that could be a problem huh?)

 

we broke up 3 months ago, and the first month i was freaked out and had anxiety and contacted him pretty often, just waiting for us to get back together. i noticed that i was giving my power away as he wasn't being his usual self but some brick wall reaction of strength coldly telling me it is over & that he doesn't love me anymore and that we would never get back together. talking with him in person gave me the reaction superman has to cyrptonite.

 

i still can't believe it happened, but i have been searching this post for the past month at least. i have employed no contact just to see what it would do and after 8 days he called me 5 times in one day (i let it go to voice mail, each message sounding more desperate, last one in tears and anxiety). since i didn't answer the phone, he went into my work (i work at a bar) & luckily i had just left. i got home and he called again twice. no answer from me.

 

the next morning he called again twice, and i didn't answer the calls, but i was inside so glad to see that this no contact thing was working... then i heard a knock on my door (i answered it because i thought it was the fedex guy). there he stood, shaking and crying asking me why i didn't answer his calls, and if i really could forgive him for the abrupt ending (he tried to date someone immediately after he broke up with us, and that proved to be a disaster, of course).

 

i told him that i did forgive him, and that i was just not in the headspace to answer his calls as i was so busy, which is true. he was having really bad anxiety and asked if he could come in. i let him (and i really shouldn't have as we ended up having sex which i really should've know better).

 

he came in and walked immediately into my room i guess looking to see if there was evidence that i had someone over lately? then he looked at all my pictures on the refridgerator and started pacing around...

 

he said many things that gave me such mixed messages (like saying that he was thinking we could date each other a bit, but that we would just end up breaking up again in a couple of years). he also said he had this fantasy that he just wanted to be left alone, and have an independant life and work in the yard, date other people... etc. etc... but that in reality, he is so lonely and wakes up miserable. then he asked if he could lay down for a bit. i let him, actually inside pleased to see all this happening, but i kept my cool and would not talk to him about our relationship because every other time i did i felt like it ended with me giving away some power.

 

we went to one couples counseling visit, which was awful for me, because he told the counselor that he fell out of love with me 8 months previous, and had lost sexual attration to me. (which is untrue to me since during those whole 8 months we would have sex at least 5-6 times a week, often with him initiating and him pleasing me... the night before he broke up with us, i woke up to him pleasing me --what gives with him saying that in counseling?).

 

so, we did end up having sex this last day that he came over (i didn't touch him though, he pleased me -i at least gave myself that one boundry). we've had sex on 4 different occasions these last 3 months of this breakup.

 

afterwords, we talked a little and he promised me that he would not drag me into his future anxiety, and that he did still feel that he fell out of love with me. i just told him that it was nice seeing him, and that i didn't want to hear that again, that it just sounded damaging, and that "i got it".

 

the next day i ran into him at a coffee shop (we live very close to each other), and he again apologized and tried to assure me that he wasn't trying to give mixed messages. i again said "i got it", and smiled a bit, and said i had to take off. that was about 11 days ago.

 

i haven't seen him or called him since (and as far as me contacting him, it's been about 17 days). he hasn't called me either.

 

i'm still in love, and i really believe that inside he loves me too. i keep hoping that he will crack, and come to my door and tell me he was just confused and of course loves me & wants to get back together.

 

i'm going to keep using no contact, i have a goal of a month at least. restarting from the day he contacted me.

 

does anyone think that this can work to get us back together? i think we had a pretty special thing going... we matched so great, and everyone is so surprised that he broke up with us. many people thought that i would've been the one to break up with him as he seemed to be the "needy one"

 

one more very important thing to mention: he is 25, and i just turned 40 a month before we broke up... we've been together since he was 19. it never seemed to be a big deal to anyone, not even his parents -he always assured me that it was no big deal, he was the one that initially pursued me, and he always was so proud that i was his boyfriend -lit up whenever i walked into the room. i look very young & he looks about 27, or 28... we matched very nice physically... and i know mentally and emotionally many of the years were nothing short of magic.

 

i am so confused about the eventaul outcome of this.... any advise? thanks

[Mistaken Identity]

I didn't know you were gay until I got to the last line! His behavior sounds erratic. Is there any chance he's using drugs? Is there a possibility he's doubting his homosexuality?

[rising]

no, he's not doubting -being gay with us is so comfortable -i hardly think of it as an issue... over 95% of our mutual friends are straight and we don't do any of the gay bar crap.

 

He did mention that he would like to experience other guys when he told me he didn't love me anymore... and i have noticed that he's been drinking more during the last 8 months before we broke up... (actually getting pretty drunk often during those months - and he was actually drunk when he broke up with me & he didn't even plan on it) --but no drugs. i addressed the drinking with him during those 8 months, but i didn't ride him on it as i know better. i did let him know (without being judgemental) that i would never be able to be with an alchoholic, and that he should watch out with his drinking paterns.

 

-note: he has drastically cut down his drinking the past couple of months he has told me (last time i saw him when he abruptly came over, crying full of anxiety). ....seems to be doing some soul searching at least but i am now not in contact with him so i just hope him the best and it'd be nice to think he is still on a better road at least.

 

i understand him being curious about other guys right now since he is 25 and has been in a 5 year relationship. but i have the feeling that he will see that it sucks out there (from my experiences alot of gay men are promiscous & creepy & longterm doesn't seem to balance out of alot of relationships)

 

through him getting out there, hopefully will begin to see and appreciate what we had. most of our relationship felt so unconditional and secure for the first 4+ years.

 

i'm going to keep doing NC & move on if that is the road that life leads, i just feel deep inside that there may be another chance since our feelings had been so deep at one time.

 

who knows where i will be though if & when he does come around though. i miss him so much, but it is getting easier with the NC. i know that i am a catch: i'm faithful, sucessful, laughable, not judgemental, handsome & i go out of my way to have so much fun in life. he knows that, he's even said the best days in his life so far have always been with me.

 

i think he's just freaking out that i turned 40

 

and btw i just started a part time job at a bar and the people there think i'm still in my late 20's -- i just tell them i'm 32 ---only because i am so sick of people saying "guess how old he is?" and then everyone seems to fix out on the fact that i'm 40 -it's just easier for me that way, when everyone seems shocked, although it's complimentary i feel like i am getting a complex about it. (which i definitaly am right now since i'm going through this breakup).

 

is a 15 yr old age difference something that i need to worry about? i mean, i'm not at all worried about it. i know it is to him right now, and that is valid to me since it's his feelings. i just wonder how deeply it really is a problem for him. i guess only time will tell... right?

[Mistaken Identity]

Hi again. I remember a boyfriend of mine telling me he didn't want to get married because he was only 22. At the time, I thought 22 was old enough. But it seems like some guys don't commit until they're older. I've known a lot of gay men, and I think you're right about the promiscuity problem. I know of only two gay couples who have been together for any length of time--one for more than 30 years! He might come around after he experiences the head games out there. But, then again, I know a gay couple who just broke up because one of them found out the other had been secretly sleeping with scummy guys from the internet. After the break-up, the cheater went on a gay cruise and came back saying it was the best thing he'd ever done. So, this guy was looking forward to being promiscuous for a change! I don't mean to discourge you. Because who knows what his reasons are? But I think by behaving in a dignified way, you have nothing to lose.