The 180 that was my Girlfriend's decision

[Rowdireptile - Brian]

Me and my girlfriend dated for one year. We did everything together. There was nothing that I wouldn't do for her, flowers once a week, fondue house for romantic evenings, a special parking spot we had, dancing in the kitchen, making her dinner every other night, anything I thought she liked or wanted I bought.... I spoiled her rotten! Then she become really stressed and distracted. We had a few problems, I wasn't affectionate enough, and some little things but nothing big. She always asked me, will you love me forever, do you want me to be your wife? how do you think I'll be as a wife etc. Then on our one year anniversary I took her to a nice restaurant got her a vera bag she always wanted but didn't want to buy herself, a gator jersey that again she always wanted but didn't want to buy and a phone so we could talk to each other as much as she wanted on the same plan so I wouldn't have 200 dollar cell phone bills. She was so distant that night, non-affectionate, on another planet then a couple of days later she said she wanted a break and needed space. I was crushed over a week I sent her flowers, a hope you feel better from your cold bag with all her favorite things, one night we talked and I told her that if I hold out for a couple more days, the day she was going to decide, and you crush me I'm really going to be mental messed up. That was her chance but she didn't take it, instead she told me in the park where I first told her I loved her that she just wanted to date and not have a serious relationship and that she dated some other guy three times while we were apart. I cried and pleaded with her for about four hours, then she said she would give me another chance then took it back, I left and she texted me and said I don't know what I did I'm so sorry your so sweet and I thought she had realized, she took that back, I left that weekend to go out of town and she called me a bunch of times and said I was really great and that she missed me. I wanted to see her when we got back but she didn't want to see me, Finally we had a conversation about everything, now supposedly were going to be friends and honest with each other and be able to see each other. Do I have a chance of getting her back, how could I get her back, should I talk to her, should I try to show her that everything is better now or should I go cold turkey and not talk to her? She's trying to decide where she wants to go to college but for her last two years and now its down to things close to where we live. Would love some help, I wanted to marry this girl and now I'm just devastated. I'm 22 shes going on 20

[daphne]

Brian,

 

I'm sorry your girlfriend is so fickle. I think it's due to her age. She probably hasn't experienced a lot in life and doens't know what she wants. She's also taking you for granted.

 

I think you need to read what others have written about no contact and moving on in a dignified manner. Honestly, that's the only way I've seen that works to get them to come back. Even if she doesn't, you'll be on your way to healing and accepting the situation for what it is. And preparing for a life without her and possibly with someone else.

 

The longer you spin your wheels trying to change your mind, the less likely you will get her back. It will completely turn her off and convince her she's doing the right thing. You will have to go away for a long time before she realizes what she's missing out on.

 

Take care of yourself.

[Guest]

Update! Were going to dinner Thursday night. She said she wanted to go to dinner and hang out and talk! Shes starting to settle back down, she has decided that she wants to stay in town for the next two years I guess this is a plus for me. What approach should I take to make myself .... I don't know what I'm trying to say, what will help me get her back, how should I act? Where should we go? What should I say or shouldn't say, what kind of attitude should I have? ETC. Somebody please give me the play by of how to do this! I WOULD SOOOOOOOOO APPRECIATE IT! Thanks for your help

[datboispiggs]

Update! Were going to dinner Thursday night. She said she wanted to go to dinner and hang out and talk! Shes starting to settle back down, she has decided that she wants to stay in town for the next two years I guess this is a plus for me. What approach should I take to make myself .... I don't know what I'm trying to say, what will help me get her back, how should I act? Where should we go? What should I say or shouldn't say, what kind of attitude should I have? ETC. Somebody please give me the play by of how to do this! I WOULD SOOOOOOOOO APPRECIATE IT! Thanks for your help

 

Do you really want her back. Or is the "wanting what we can't have" quote seems more realistic? Someone (other dude ) was playing on your playground (girlfriend) and you want your swingset back. Dude honestly move on. She's going to manipulate you in everyway possible. Don't play her games. She's gonna hold onto you until she's even 90% sure a new relationship with another guy is set in stone. Right now you are her emotional tampon. Her ego boost per say. I know I need to reap what I sow as I'm playing the same s***. Don't get all bummed out about it. Go out be happy. Always keep a smile on your face. Once her or anyone she knows sees you and sees you happy, its going to get back to your ex and she's gonna be like "why isnt he sad about this" then she'll come crawling back trying to get you to show interest in her and when you start to..boom.. she needs space again. As much as you love this chick and as much as she says she loves you, hate to burst your bubble but she cares maybe 10% about your feelings. Otherwise she'd blow off these other blokes and stick by your side. This s*** happens all the time. Don't be a fool and fall into a trap. People don't change. Whatever broke you two up is gonna happen again and then you're gonna start all over with the heartbreak. Go straight no contact, find a hobby, eat good , exercise and find a new lady. One that will have no past failures with you. Consider it a new pair of underwear if you will cause I know those old ones you have are filled with s***stains. HAHA. Just trying to keep your spirits up bud. Keep ya head up and live life. Find happiness within yourself. You don't need another chick to make you happy. Happiness lies within the hands of the beholder. Peace out

[GB111]

Been there. Done that.

 

She's toying with you. Don't fall for it. Go out and be indifferent. Believe me, you'll be doing yourself a favor. Having said that, do you really want her? Doesn't sound like this is going anywhere, so you can suffer now or suffer more later. Your choice.

[destination_unknown]

Its not about how you should "ACT", its about what is healthy for you to FEEL.

 

Being inauthentic by acting a certain way is ALWAYS seen through. You should work on examining how you feel and changing the way you think about yourself and your girlfriend. This is not a change in behaviour, but a change in the core of who you are.

 

I think just tell the truth about your feelings, there is no point in hiding them by trying to act cool. That just complicates everything.

 

But consider if the way you feel about this relationship is actually good for you. Is it good for you to be so stressed out about it? Is it good for you to be with somebody if you will always question (even if its only in your mind) if they really want you?

[GB111]

Completely agree with Destination. Just don't know how you're going to do that. You clearly still have feelings for her, and she knows this. Going out with her right now is likely to serve no purpose other than feeding her ego. If you must go out, I wouldn't beg and plead. I'd focus on the positive things going on in your life. Once the dinner is over, get to work on your feelings.

[Rowdireptile reply]

So I had a great day Wednesday everything was perfect here comes Thursday, the ex has a interview at a university and shes nervous and doesn't know how to get there, I tell her how to get there, calm her down, cheer her up and get her home when shes leaving being as nice as possible. I call her Best friend to see what I should do going into the dinner thing. She tells me she really thinks shes into the new guy? I said why why why ???? WHY ? She finally said she saw on his facebook a picture of them together. This was worse than the breakup, I was at a draw bridge and it was up..... not a good place to get that kind of news, so I'm raged out of my mind, She was suppose to take time for herself to figure out her life and get things straight, man I guess I was easy to get over a couple weeks after she says she wants to be my "trophy wife" So I called her mom to tell her that I appreciate all shes done for me over the last year and I have nothing against her and I love her and the ex's dad. And that I wouldn't be talking to her daughter anymore because of everything, I just felt deceived and used and thats what I told her. Shes call her kid and then I get a call saying oh I'm not going to dinner because my mom called and said you think were getting back together.... I was like huh? No the opposite I don't want to talk to you anymore the facebook thing and that was just heartless and she just yelled for ten minutes and I couldn't get a word in and she said she didn't want to talk to me anymore so I got the end result I wanted but not the way I wanted. I'm so much better now I just keep having terrible nightmares that she gets physically hurt by this guy and I gotta find a way to stop that but other than that I'm doing much better.

[Rowdireptile reply]

I'm doing much better now. I have learned to accept what has happenned I just have a few questions. We haven't talked since Thursday, were not talking or whatever. Should I keep this up make her think I'm moving on?which I am. Or do I call and say something general like hey for my birthday I'm having a party..... I was wondering if you wanted to come.... a bunch of people are gonna be there etc. (my b-days in a a week) Or do I wait for her? So do I give her a chance to say something or do I just not call her? I'm moving into a new place and she said when I moved out she would come over and check it out should I try and take her up on the offer? WHAT TO DO? I'm not over her, I'm doing really well and moving on and up and getting my life straighting out but the only thing is every night I have nightmares about her getting hurt by this new guy. Then I talked to someone and they said it sometimes means the opposite.... getting hurt actually means there doing good... so of course last night I have a dream thats shes SO happy and were hanging out and having a good time and such. Somebody make sense of this for me! Thanks

[Rowdireptile Update]

Well my birthday came and went without a call. Her best friend doesn't talk to me anymore I guess because of the situation I guess that was to be expected but it still hurts. She really helped me with a lot of stuff and I thought we could be friends from the experience. Oh well so now I don't know if I should call either one of them and say hey I understand so whatever I'm moving on and I love ya and if you ever wanna work it out you know where I am until then that sucked that I didn't get a call. Pretty cold of you but whatever. What do I do now? I guess I have to forget everything which is really hard everytime a trigger pops up a memory. Please somebody give me some perspective and comfort thanks

[porkchop2236]

Brian,

I am just curious as to why you want to be with this girl who: all of the sudden left you, started dating another guy, still tries to string you along, and yells at you over the phone saying she doesnt want to talk to you again? Excuse me for saying this, but she is treating you like a piece of crap, and you shouldn't settle for that. You're obviously much better than that, seeing as how you treated her so well. And it doesn't seem like you're moving on either, you are still hoping that she will call or realize she loves you, or something like that. Which, I know it's hard to not have hope that she will, but you have to try to step back and look at how she's treating you. Think of what you would say to a good friend who is getting treated like this...would you tell them to keep chasing her? Or would you advise them that this girl is trouble? Sometime you get so caught up in what you used to have, and your love for her makes your mind foggy. You can't actually see that you deserve better than this girl. I admit, I'm in a similar situation, and I have been doing NC, which is what i believe is the only thing that will help. Either he will miss me and realize he wants me back, or I will get over him.

 

Please do not call her and let her know you are still there for her. All this will do is push her further away, give her an ego boost, and make you look, no offense, but pathetic. That will not all of the sudden make her realize she wants to be with you, it could actually do the opposite. She will take advantage of you being there for her, and she will go out and do whatever she wants, date other people, whatever...all because she knows that whatever she does you'll still be there for her. And while she's out having her fun, you'll be wondering what she's doing and when she's going to call you, IF she's going to call you, if she's with another man, etc. I'm assuming that is not what you want.

 

So my advice to you, if you choose to listen to it, is to do strict NC. Do not call her, text her, IM her, or e-mail her. After a while, she will either wonder why you haven't called her if you are so in love with her, and perhaps curiosity will get the better of her and she'll call you OR, also what could happen is she will have totally moved on. Do not think this is from you initiating NC. This would have happened anyway, and would have left you even more heartbroken. At least since you did the NC, you will have a chance to move on also.

 

I don't know if any of this is helping, but I really hope you realize that you are so much better than that, and this girl does not deserve any ego boosts from you. I know this is cliche, but it seems to work for me: if it is meant to be, it will be. Go with the NC, either way it will work out for you. Do not be discouraged, NC doesn't work right away...it takes time to get over someone. I'm still working on it too, so know that you are not alone. Remember: you are better than that, and you will find someone so much better than her . It's hard to think about that now because all you want is her...but there will be another, better her in the future. Hope this helped.

[rowdireptile update]

So she didn't call me on my birthday. Its been about a month. I've moved on to much better place in my life. I miss her dearly but I have learned how to live and be happy. I was having the best day in three months yesterday until.... she texted me, first communication in a month, that she got a new car, I came to find out that she got the car last saturday and if your excited about a new car you usually call that day right? I texted back I bought a condo and So I guess that was her excuse, I call and we talk for about an hour and a half where she said things like (after I said you know my situation and how I feel and dating's not on the priority list right now) "Brian your gonna date again and soon and then I'm gonna be SOL (s*** outta luck) I was was like okay and didn't ask her what she meant but thats weird to say and she basically was telling me that the new guy shes dating is good but he's not me. and that she still doesn't have things figured out and shes still confused. It sounded like shes found out that she lost the best thing in her life and what does she do now. She can't ask for me back because that would be embarrassing and hurt her pride. And what do I do? What is with those comments? I was just about to be over it and then I get this! This sucks! What do I do? 1.) do I call and say don't contact me again until you wanna date me again because I'm not in your life now so I don't know why you talked to me? 2.) Wait till she calls again and say that? 3.) Send her a letter saying what I said in one and give her all her stuff back that she gave me? 4.) invite her to my new home and tell her this and give my last stand and see her one more time? I'll wait for someone to help me with this one. Thanks everyone

[rkman]

So she didn't call me on my birthday. Its been about a month. I've moved on to much better place in my life. I miss her dearly but I have learned how to live and be happy. I was having the best day in three months yesterday until.... she texted me, first communication in a month, that she got a new car, I came to find out that she got the car last saturday and if your excited about a new car you usually call that day right? I texted back I bought a condo and So I guess that was her excuse, I call and we talk for about an hour and a half where she said things like (after I said you know my situation and how I feel and dating's not on the priority list right now) "Brian your gonna date again and soon and then I'm gonna be SOL (s*** outta luck) I was was like okay and didn't ask her what she meant but thats weird to say and she basically was telling me that the new guy shes dating is good but he's not me. and that she still doesn't have things figured out and shes still confused. It sounded like shes found out that she lost the best thing in her life and what does she do now. She can't ask for me back because that would be embarrassing and hurt her pride. And what do I do? What is with those comments? I was just about to be over it and then I get this! This sucks! What do I do? 1.) do I call and say don't contact me again until you wanna date me again because I'm not in your life now so I don't know why you talked to me? 2.) Wait till she calls again and say that? 3.) Send her a letter saying what I said in one and give her all her stuff back that she gave me? 4.) invite her to my new home and tell her this and give my last stand and see her one more time? I'll wait for someone to help me with this one. Thanks everyone

 

Don't talk to her. These games are way too immature for your poor mind to stay sane. She is right, she is defientely gonna be s*** out of luck. Good for her. She's s*** into selfishness. Give it a few more months. You'll find someone, you'll look back and see the difference in the person you feel for at that tiem and realize that although it's nice to be selfless, there are some people who force you to cover your own ass.

 

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

 

The best thing you can do for her is to let her learn that being selfish makes for a bad partnership. Even now, she knows what is the 'right' path, but she's choosing the 'me, myself, and I' path. You too have to step back and look at the situation. Let her fall down that slippery slope. Once she climbs back up on her own, she'll be a better person.

[Rowdireptile]

I'll try to make this short and to the point. She called me again Monday to ask me a stupid question anyone could have answered for her. I told her the answer then told her I didn't want to talk to her anymore because we don't talk often, see each other or anything else that a friend would do and all that happens is I get hurt. She got defensive then I said I have no good choice, I can die by fire or death, I can talk to you and be your friend but be miserable because were not together or I can not talk to you and try to move on and that sucks too! Then I told her I couldn't face the questions I have every morning that I have no answers too. She started to cry and say she was sorry and towards the end I said you know in a perfect world you'd call, we fix this so the simple thing it is and be together but in my world you'll never call again, tell the new guy he's the luckiest man alive, I love you, good bye. Hung up, its been three days and I'm still depressed, lonely, and miss her terribly, too many memories that I can't erase. ANYWAY TO GET HER BACK??? I was going to invite her to my new place and make her dinner but should I ??? What do I do? So stuck in life its not even funny!

[fabulousgal]

Listen,

 

Let her go, don't fight for her back. It may be hard, but you'll push her away. You did a lot for her, but she for some reason thinks you aren't the one, at least not right now.

 

For her to say she is miserable without you is just mean, tell her to shove it and quit saying words with no action.

 

Stick with the NC, it hurts like hell I know. I get flashbacks of happy times too, and its annoying and can set you back. But everyone on these boards say it'll get better, so we will see.

[BrandonBP]

ANYWAY TO GET HER BACK??? I was going to invite her to my new place and make her dinner but should I ??? What do I do? So stuck in life its not even funny!

If this is the woman you truly love, then don't give up yet. I would agree that you need to be NC with her, but not to get rid of her and get revenge. Just do it for a while to make her realize what she's missing.

 

If you go running back now, then she may just crap on you again. I think perhaps she's just checking to make sure she can still have you whenever she wants so she can continue to string you along like a puppy.

 

Good luck, Brother.

 

Brandon