unhappywife Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 This is my first time on a site like this but I feel I have no other options. I have been married for 12.5 years and with my husband for 16 years. We have two children age 9 and 5. In order to make ends meet my husband works two jobs and is not home alot. Sometimes I complained but I always knew he was out making money. Early in March one of his friends calle me and informed me that my husband had been having an affair for about a year. My husband did not deny it. He said he had been unhappy in our marriage for several years eventhough he never mentioned it. I had no idea he was unhappy. He said he felt we fought too much. He said he did love the other woman and probably loved her more than me. Said he wasn't in love with me anymore but did love me because I gave him two beautiful children. When I asked if he wanted a divorce he said we needed some space. He moved out 9 weeks ago. We haven't told the children yet, since he worked a lot they really haven't notice yet. But we plan on telling them in the next few weeks. I know he is still seeing her and spending time with her and her two children who are older. I feel she is an escape from reality and responsibility since she doesn't need his help around the house, doesn't need to find a babysitter or doesn't have to kids fighting. He said she makes him happy, but how could she not? I know I am not blameless in his unhappiness. I have put on weight and other issues. I do love him and would do anything to save my marriage. I am considering purchasing some of those e-books that claim you can save your marriage if your spouse doesn't want to. But I am hesitant, especially because of their price. Should I just give up and accept it is over? If I fight for the marriage what is my best way. I am afraid of pushing him further away. We are still on good speaking terms. He comes over all the time for the kids. If you were to see us together you would think nothing is wrong (except he doesn't stay here and we aren't having sex). Once we tell the kids I am going to make him pick specific days to visit. Any suggestions? My family is pushing me to call a divorce lawyer and move my bank account. I am heart broken and cry all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 Please stay strong and check out the marriage builders website. They have lots of free advice, you don't need to buy a thing. Check out Plan A and Plan B for dealing with an affair. Since you two still talk, I think it is premature to take offensive moves like sequestering cash. That can be seen as an act of war. Do, however, make sure that you will have continued access to cash, credit, and a well-running vehicle, just as a matter of survival. If you talk to a divorce lawyer, I recommend finding one that takes a collaborative approach rather than a pitbull. A pitbull lawyer may push you to highly aggressive moves, whereas a "collaborative divorce" lawyer will emphasize low-conflict options that still protect your rights. Good luck, you will survive no matter which way this thing goes. Please keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author unhappywife Posted May 16, 2006 Author Share Posted May 16, 2006 I am trying to stay strong. I am also worried about making it too easy onhim. I know that when he isn't here or doing his night job that he is probably with her. I caught him at her son's volleyball game and he was at her house for her daughter's prom. I just hope it isn't too late and that he is too involved with her and her family. Link to post Share on other sites
Mistaken Identity Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 I disagree with SoleMate about the money issue. I would definitely make sure I had my own account with my own money. You don't want to be financially devastated. Let's not forget, he was sneaking around with another woman. Who knows what else he could be hiding? You need to look out for yourself and your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 It's completely normal that you are devastated and cry all the time. That's how everyone felt. If you subtract your feelings, what's important is what you're going to do, not how you're going to feel. You already feel miserable so don't take actions that will make you even more miserable. Getting back at him by not making git too easy for him is a deal with the devil. For the sake of your children, don't do anything radical, but DO take care of the finances. You need to talk to him about how your marriage will continue/end. If he decided that it's over, there's nothing you can really do except involve futile effort in attempts to bring him back. It's probably over and the sooner you accept it - the better for you. If he says it's over, try to agree on the formalities. Yes, he did cheat on you and he did abandon his children without trying to fix things first. he is guilty of that. But you can't control another person. You can only choose your own paths and deal with the hand of cards that's dealt to you. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 Go to your library, i'm sure there are plenty of books on relationship advice. If your husband moved out, I think it's time to open up your own bank account, split the contents of any shared accounts, and move it there. I would even change the locks to the house, and then go see a divorce lawyer just to know your legal rights. It might be illegal for you to change the locks, but I would rather be safe than sorry. If your husband reacts like mine, he'll be PISSED. But if he has moved out, he has keys to his own place, it's only fair for you to have keys to your own place too. Just dont use it against him. If he wants his personal belongings you have to give it to him. Link to post Share on other sites
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