! I need some to get over MM!

[lovesick2020]

I have never posted my story or really told anyone other than my best friend this story but I really need some advice and need to get past this and thought maybe someone could help.

 

I have been involved with a MM for about 4 1/2 years now. It started out where we were VERY S involved. Then, the S got less and less and we were Best Friends and SoulMates. Then we started seeing each other without as much S but still did every once in awhile. Then the talking got less and less because we work together and the fear of getting caught by our employer was there. Then, we didn't see each other at ALL and just talked. For the past year I haven't seen him at ALL but we still talk on a daily basis. I am still just as much in love with him today as I was in the beginning. His W has NO idea and never has. At the beginning he said when his 2 girls graduated high school that he was going to leave but then this year his youngest daughter graduates and now he's started going back to church and has told me that he's not leaving because of biblical reasons and feeling guilty and not wanting to go to hell. I respected this and know that he's doing the right thing even though it hurt but we still talk and I'm still there for him any time that he needs me.

 

Background: We were both raised in a Christian home and know what's right and wrong so when he tells me he needs to get closer to God and do the right thing it's hard for me to argue with that because I need to do the same thing.

 

Anyways, my problem is that lately he has been hanging around ANOTHER girl at work...(I'm in a different building now) and it's REALLY getting to me. I really dont think anything's going on with this girl but the thought of him being with anyone else other than his wife and me drives me CRAZY...It may sound nuts but I've actually started getting used to the idea that him and his wife are together and he's not going to leave her and was starting to even be okay with that after all of these years but for him to tell me that he can't see me because it's not "right" and then think he could even possibly be with ANOTHER girl drives me crazy. I think honestly that he just likes the attention not that he's actually doing anything with her.

 

However, this has caused tremendous stress in our relationship. I am very insecure in "us" right now and just needed some reassurance that he still loves me but he's not giving me that. My best friend thinks that he's trying to push me away while still being the "good" guy and not having to feel guilty about not talking to me but I can't come to grips with that. I can't seem to face that he could possibly not want to talk to me at all. I'm his best friend and soul mate and know him better than anyone in this world (including his wife)...I know that I need to let go but I can't. I'm so deeply in love with this man that I can't stop talking to him.

 

I try to justify everything by saying we're "just friends" but my heart tells me something completely different.

 

What should I do ? Should I completely quit talking to him? and if so, How do I do that? I love him..he's my best friend and soul mate and I can't bare the thought of being without him completely forever....

 

Help !!!!!! Sorry this was so long !!!!

[stillafool]

I hate to say this to you but he is probably going to hit on the other girl if he hasn't already. I am in your shoes also with a MM and I'm a MW. He is probably looking for that "new feeling" with butterflies and intensity, the same reason they became involved with us. The problem is if you start to complain to them then they don't need you because you have now become wife #2 and what fun is that? You said they S has stopped, well that's probably what he is looking for is the newness of someone else.

 

If I were you I would leave him alone and go NC since you don't work where you have to see him. I know it hurts but he's not worth it. His poor wife probably has to put up with A after A with this guy. It does however sound like he's trying to move on from you. Let him go and good luck!

[hokitika1246]

oh, sweetie. that feeling of wanting and not being able to have is really so, so hard. i want to offer you all the support possible but still be respectful by telling you the truth. now, i do not know your man from a hole in the wall, but my experience with men, married or otherwise, is that when they want to see you, they make every effort to do so, and nothing will stand in their way.

 

the way you describe your relationship progressing over the years sounds like it's more than sex and that you do have a real emotional bond. but it's natural to want progress to deeper levels over time. you feel bad when, for whatever reason, one of the people just CAN'T go deeper.

 

the desire to WANT to be a moral and good person is so powerful and guilt-inducing. I feel that myself all the time, wanting to do what's right becuase i should, and consistently losing my resolve. it sounds like he's genuinely conflicted about his wants. he doesn't want his marriage, but he feels bad in an emotional affair with you, so he's got a new person.

 

 

It may sound nuts but I've actually started getting used to the idea that him and his wife are together and he's not going to leave her and was starting to even be okay with that after all of these years but for him to tell me that he can't see me because it's not "right" and then think he could even possibly be with ANOTHER girl drives me crazy. I think honestly that he just likes the attention not that he's actually doing anything with her.

 

this doesn't sound nuts at all! i think i would feel the same way. you've settled into the role of second fiddle, and accepted that he'd be with you if it weren't for the wife or his religious beliefs-- now, this belief, which i imagine has caused you some comfort, is gone.

 

However, this has caused tremendous stress in our relationship. I am very insecure in "us" right now and just needed some reassurance that he still loves me but he's not giving me that.

of course you are! he's not giving you the reassurance because he can't, his actions prove otherwise.

 

My best friend thinks that he's trying to push me away while still being the "good" guy and not having to feel guilty about not talking to me but I can't come to grips with that.

yeah, that doesn't sound right. people aren't that calculated, and if they are, it's not good for your mental health to wonder and analyze what the motives are around his actions. would it make it better for you if that were true?

 

 

I can't seem to face that he could possibly not want to talk to me at all. I'm his best friend and soul mate and know him better than anyone in this world (including his wife)...I know that I need to let go but I can't. I'm so deeply in love with this man that I can't stop talking to him.

 

4 1/2 years is a LONG TIME to have any one person on your heart, so it's natural that the thought of moving on is very, very difficult and painful. give yourself a right to grieve, even though grief sucks! but you CAN get through it. you say you can't, but you CAN. you can and you will.

 

What should I do ? Should I completely quit talking to him? and if so, How do I do that? I love him..he's my best friend and soul mate and I can't bare the thought of being without him completely forever....

no one here can actually tell you what you SHOULD do, though many people can tell you what they would do, or what they hope you will do--and that's good. maybe some of the ideas will resonate with you and be things that you think you can manage. what do you want for yourself? you can't imagine not loving this man--i truly believe that to be true. and you can't imagine loving someone else becuase right now you DON'T love someone else. quite possibly, you won't be able to imagine loving someone else until you fall in love again. could you have imagined loving him before you did?

 

what do you want for yourself? yes, you want this man. you love him. but do you want a real relationship--in general, not just with him? do you want to be loved, and to trust, and to rest knowing that you are someone's first choice, not second or third? and if the answer is yes, you get there by not being where you are right now. someone said to me today (in a different context, but it fits) that you say no to some things so you have room to say yes to others.

 

i know i asked a lot of questions, but my hunch is that you know the answers about what to do in this situation, and what you're really asking is how do you manage the grief when you begin to detach from this man and begin a new life for yourself. secrecy will weigh on you, especially carrying grief alone. tell someone, talk about it. don't be alone.

[Jessie61]

 

I have been involved with a MM for about 4 1/2 years now. It started out where we were VERY S involved. Then, the S got less and less and we were Best Friends and SoulMates. Then we started seeing each other without as much S but still did every once in awhile. Then the talking got less and less because we work together and the fear of getting caught by our employer was there. Then, we didn't see each other at ALL and just talked. For the past year I haven't seen him at ALL but we still talk on a daily basis.

:::::::

At the beginning he said when his 2 girls graduated high school that he was going to leave but then this year his youngest daughter graduates and now he's started going back to church and has told me that he's not leaving because of biblical reasons and feeling guilty and not wanting to go to hell.

::::::

Anyways, my problem is that lately he has been hanging around ANOTHER girl at work...(I'm in a different building now) and it's REALLY getting to me. I really dont think anything's going on with this girl but the thought of him being with anyone else other than his wife and me drives me CRAZY...

 

 

Lovesick,

 

I don't envy you in your situation, it must be very hard. BUT now you have to do something about this, right? It cannot go on like this forever, right?

 

First of all, I don't necessarily think that this other girl at work is a complete "red herring", but I do think that your main focus should not be on her, but on YOU. Is THIS really what you want for the rest of your life? To be second fiddle to your MM? For the rest of your life? Do you really want to feel as insecure as you do now for the rest of your life? (I can totally understand WHY you feel insecure and I think you are totally justified in doing so...) Do you want to feel this powerless for the rest of your life?

 

Look at your R; it started off "hot and steamy" and there was talk (at this stage MM said that he was leaving W when the kids graduated). Then there was less sex but still some talk. Now there is only talk. And now that the kids have graduated, now your MM has remembered the Bible? He never thought of the Bible in the first year or so...? My guess is that your friend has a point: your MM is not that interested anymore but he cannot tell you because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. Perhaps he worried that you might get so angry that you ring his W? OR he is interested in the love and support that you offer him, but he has no intention of offering you anything back. In any event, it sounds very selfish and spineless....

 

So, ask yourself, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who only offers you a bit of chat every day....?? In fact, you don't even spend any real time with him!!! Surely you want more for yourself??? And I bet you, you COULD get more if you want it, but I think you probably would have to look elsewhere...

 

OK, I do realise that you say that you are fine with your MM staying with his W and you playing second fiddle, and if that is still your answer then I guess you can move on to the issue of the other girl.... To be honest, I am not sure if there is anything that you CAN do about it? You have expressed your concerns to MM and you have asked for reassurance, but he is giving you nothing.... I mean, you are hardly in a position to DEMAND anything, are you?

 

I know I probably sound a bit "gung ho" about this, and I don't mean to offend or hurt you. But it literally breaks my heart to see another human being feeling so low about him/herself, not expecting any kinds of standards for him/herself, just settling for little scraps like it is all you are entitled to! I bet that you are a pretty, bright girl and fun to be around, but all of that has been underminded by YEARS of being in this A? I don't think that your MM would have been interested in you in the first place if you were none of those things? Don't you think some other guy, who would offer you a REAL relationship, would not see those same things in you that your MM did...?

 

No, I am not telling you what to do, but I just want to make you think... We are on your side here, and please come back to us! OK?

[lovesick2020]

Thank you Hokitika and Jessie sooooooooooo much for your responses to my post. You both have no idea how insightful into my situation that both of you seem to be. It is amazing to me that you could say all of these things and as I'm reading them I just begin to weap because it almost seems like you are both right there with me in this situation.

 

Since I have posted and received your replies, I have started N/C....however once I stop calling, he calls me and acts of course like nothing's wrong and that everything is the same. What he is not seeing however is that my feelings are still there and nothing has changed in that respect. I feel like if I were to never call him and he were ONLY to call me and I was this happy, go-lucky person that I was when he first met me that everything would be just fine and he would be okay with that.

 

I just can't do it anymore....I have printed out all of the replies that I got from my post and I read them every time Im about to pick up the phone. It has been a tremendous help to me and I really honestly appreciate you both saying the things that you said. You have no idea how it touched me and is going to help me to get through this. You both seem to have so much knowledge. I'm not sure if either one of you have been through this type of a situation but it seems like you sure knew where I was emotionally and I appreicate it.

 

Now if I can just quit answering the phone when he calls me !!!!!!

Thanks again !!!!

[Jessie61]

Lovesick,

 

No need to thank, I'm only glad if anything I say can help.

 

NC in your situation is probably not easy since you work together. He will know where to find you, that's for sure. I certainly cannot claim to be an expert on NC, because I know myself how hard it is!

 

But I think you should concentrate on things that makes you feel good about yourself. Be it taking up new hobbies, hanging out with friends, soaking in a hot bath with a glass of beer/wine, doing karate... Eventually I think you might realise that contact with your MM just makes you feel unhappy, and that might make it easier for you...? I mean, isn't every single phone call ultimately a reminder of everything that is wrong with that R?

 

Don't worry about how HE feels or for being "rude" by not answering his calls etc, worry about YOURSELF instead... He's an adult and he can look after himself. I think it is your turn to look after yourself.