Insecurity Fix

[catgirl1927]

I am constantly hearing people say:

 

"Work on your insecurity."

 

or

 

"Stop being insecure."

 

I'm not trying to be a smartass. How do you do that?

 

I would appreciate if someone who throws this advice around could tell me who exactly to do that.

 

Or maybe someone will have something helpful.

 

I don't really understand how you can just stop feeling a certain way.

[kitten chick]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t77276/

[catgirl1927]

Thanks, KC. That kitty helps too.

[a4a]

You need to start feeling more secure about being insecure. I am not kidding..... you are all upset because people are saying you are insecure.... start out by not giving a s*** if they think you are or not.

 

So what if you are..... that is you right now. You may change you may not..... tough titties for them either way

[catgirl1927]

You need to start feeling more secure about being insecure. I am not kidding..... you are all upset because people are saying you are insecure.... start out by not giving a s*** if they think you are or not.

 

So what if you are..... that is you right now. You may change you may not..... tough titties for them either way

 

This answer I really like.

 

The thing is, I don't make anyone deal with my insecurities, I deal with them myself. I'm the one who is hurting.

 

So why does it make my BF so mad??? I don't make him change ANYTHING he does because I'm insecure. Hell, I don't even tell him, I'm just a lousy liar when he asks me.

 

But the reason for the thread, honestly, is because I think people WAY oversimplify insecurity. People who are secure just throw advice around like they know so much, I think it's very insensitive.

[Skeered]

But the reason for the thread, honestly, is because I think people WAY oversimplify insecurity. People who are secure just throw advice around like they know so much, I think it's very insensitive.

 

I agree with you....when a person is insecure they don't want to be told to get over it...because if they felt they could they would...there is a root to the insecurity and it must start there to fix it...IMO.

[kitten chick]

Well yeah you don't want to care if people think you're insecure. That's true. You also don't want to be insecure and want to work on your issues for yourself. I mean really, who wants to feel bad about themselves?

 

Why does it make your BF mad? I think to some people who don't understand it, it comes across as whiny. I think your BF also probably thinks you're an amazing person and doesn't want you to feel bad about yourself. I think it hurts the people who love us to see us so down on ourselves.

[tallbrunettmom]

I think people often accuse people of being insecure when it suits their purposes. Like when a significant other says your insecure because it hurts your feeling when he checks out another girl. In my opinion he says this because its easier than dealing with the fact that its disrespectful or hurtful to you. Maybe we should stop looking at so much of what someone says to us and look at why they would accuse us of that in the first place.

[a4a]

People who say you are just being insecure are saying you fear something without a damn good reason. They may not understand it, hell you may not exactly understand it.

 

If a person has a great fear of dogs and others state they are being silly = insecure that is not "pol. correct" statement.

 

However if you are being silly/insecure because your butt looks big to you it is ok to say your fear is unfounded.

 

Again unless the root of the problem is uncovered and dealt with your fear of having a big ass will continue. And to you the fear/worry is real.

 

Being insecure is stupid but having a mental illness or fear of physical harm is not.

 

Bulls***. To you it is legit...... you just need to figure out why.... until then calling you stupid for having an unbased fear does not fix or help you deal with finding the root cause.

 

IMHO..... like it or not I don't care

[Curmudgeon]

If the truth be known, I'm not all that secure yet I've spoken before audiences of hundreds at meetings and conventions, done numerous television shows, and some radio, as well as had dozens of print media interviews, everything from the New York and Los Angeles Times to U.S. News and World Report to the Wall Street Journal. I was also very involved in drama in high school and college.

 

None of it ever made me feel any more secure but I worked through it and succeeded by going into character and that sustained me. That way it was the character who spoke and acted, not me. It works well in social settings as well.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

However if you are being silly/insecure because your butt looks big to you it is ok to say your fear is unfounded.

 

Being insecure is stupid but having a mental illness or fear of physical harm is not.

 

Bulls***. To you it is legit...... you just need to figure out why.... until then calling you stupid for having an unbased fear does not fix or help you deal with finding the root cause.

 

IMHO..... like it or not I don't care

 

Come on, a4a. Nobody (I think) uses the word 'insecure' as an insult or to imply that the person is somehow inferior. When I point out to someone that he/she is insecure, I mean it in a caring way. For example, if you see that your friend is running in circles, obviously oblivious to her situation, wouldn't you want to advice her that she is not getting anywhere? When you see a stranger who has dropped her purse on her way out of the supermarket, wouldn't you tell her this?

 

To me, being insecure is a fault that can be corrected, similar to other personality traits, such as self-centeredness, jealousy, tardiness, laziness, etc.

[a4a]

Come on, a4a. Nobody (I think) uses the word 'insecure' as an insult or to imply that the person is somehow inferior. When I point out to someone that he/she is insecure, I mean it in a caring way. For example, if you see that your friend is running in circles, obviously oblivious to her situation, wouldn't you want to advice her that she is not getting anywhere? When you see a stranger who has dropped her purse on her way out of the supermarket, wouldn't you tell her this?

 

To me, being insecure is a fault that can be corrected, similar to other personality traits, such as self-centeredness, jealousy, tardiness, laziness, etc.

 

Sure you want to advise them that their behavior is not positive for their life. But to just dish out the words....... you are just insecure....... is not advice or helpful.

 

To ask why do you think you are worried about this, what would make you feel more comfortable about this, or do you know why you feel worried or insecure over this situation/thing?

 

Now that can help........ but to just whip out "your just being insecure" does not help.

[whichwayisup]

I think everybody has insecurities, some more than others and some can hide it better. The key is, trying your best NOT to let them interfer or take over in your life.

[a4a]

WWIU....... first I cannot see the type on the forum as I just started coffee sipping here

 

But yes indeed you cannot allow your insecurities to rule your life. Being insecure about one thing can lead you to be insecure about another. I don't think I am good looking can lead to I am not good enough to do this job, my spouse is not interested in me because I am not good enough ...............blah blah blah.

 

Vicious cycle. I think the best way to get over it is to focus on the parts in your world that meet your expectations and draw from those.

[catgirl1927]

To me, being insecure is a fault that can be corrected, similar to other personality traits, such as self-centeredness, jealousy, tardiness, laziness, etc.

 

This is the kind of insensitivity I'm talking about.

 

Being insecure doesn't make me a bad person. And it's not a matter of just one day saying, "Oh, I'm just not going to feel insecure any more." That's something only people who have never felt insecure think is possible.

 

Insecurity isn't fun. It's not something I do for attention. Hell, I don't even TELL anyone about it, except my closest friends sometimes, because they are insecure too.

 

I am always amazed by someone so secure in themselves they never have any doubts about their worth.

 

Thanks for the helpful post. I knew there would be some like this one...

[Noos]

I tend to see my self-worth as relative to other people and their features or achievements. I got this way because I was fat as a kid and as we all know, being overweight is one of the worst things you can do in this world I got a lots of heavy knocks from that experience of being diffrent. I have trouble with people who tell others to stop being so insecure. These people are the ones who have never been judged, bullied or teased for some feature of their self. Sometimes, they wre the ones complicit in the teasing.

 

So basically, when someone says "stop being insecure" I wish a bad emotional hurt on them so that they will realise why some of us don't find it that easy.

 

There - is that screwed up enough for you?

 

You (and I) have to get rid of a need for approval from other people and just be (apparently). But humans are social creatures, so I don't know how one might live without social approval...

[catgirl1927]

The reason it's a problem in my current relationship is I'm insecure about how attractive I am. I have a very hard time trusting men because I've been lied to so many times before, because men think the rules are different for them, and because there are so many women out there who are prettier and thinner and younger than me who would gleefully have sex with my BF.

 

But the main thing in life I'm insecure about it is being made a fool of. There's a thread on another board where this guy nonchalantly states that a friend of his, a "good guy," got a blow job at his bachelor party and never told his poor wife about it. She thinks he loves her and he does not. That is my nightmare. That I'm going along thinking everything is fine and I'm being lied to the whole time. It is SO EASY for someone to say they love you when they don't. I'm just always so terrified of the moment when that other shoe drops.

 

That's also what makes contempt from other people (and posters) who think that insecurity is just a flaw like laziness so incredibly cruel and unnecessary. I am so afraid of being hurt that I get upset when I read a post on the internet about some amoral a**h*** I don't even know, that's how bad this is.

 

And to be told on a site that's supposed to be for people to discuss their feelings and fears that I'm just trying to get attention, esp when there are half a dozen threads out there now about "I'm so beautiful no one will be my friend" and "should I wear panties, they're just too itchy" to be called an attention whore is just laughable.

 

Believe me, if I could turn these feelings off I certainly would. In a heartbeat. But I don't know how.

[a4a]

 

Believe me, if I could turn these feelings off I certainly would. In a heartbeat. But I don't know how.

 

Well CG I guess we are both insecure for some of the same reasons..... and you know I would love to say I trust 100% but being burned in the past I cannot either. And yes things do bother me....... but I have learned if I do not have the ability to control things then I have to try to let it go.

 

I don't worry about my body....... or my work........ but I do worry about being lied to or betrayed by people. I guess I am insecure too..... but I don't give a s*** because if I was not leary of such things I would have ended up with one of those blow job bachlor party guys.

 

I am insecure and use it to my advantage!

[catgirl1927]

Well CG I guess we are both insecure for some of the same reasons..... and you know I would love to say I trust 100% but being burned in the past I cannot either. And yes things do bother me....... but I have learned if I do not have the ability to control things then I have to try to let it go.

 

I don't worry about my body....... or my work........ but I do worry about being lied to or betrayed by people. I guess I am insecure too..... but I don't give a s*** because if I was not leary of such things I would have ended up with one of those blow job bachlor party guys.

 

I am insecure and use it to my advantage!

 

You're so freaking postive. It's starting to piss me off!!!

 

[blind_otter]

Ok, CG. I found this: http://www.coping.org/growth/security.htm

 

In order to overcome insecurity, people need to:

 

- Be willing to be put in vulnerable positions in life where they might get hurt.

 

- Take risks to change their current behavior.

 

- Trust others enough to expose themselves to them, risking vulnerability and the possibility of being hurt.

 

- Have a healthy and humorous belief in themselves in order to overlook their exaggerated need for acceptance and approval.

 

- Take a rational approach to each problem they face so that they are no longer inhibited by debilitating fears or beliefs.

 

- Practice assertive behavior in their lives, earning respect and the acknowledgment of their rights.

 

- Arouse the courage to take small steps in learning to experience success and overcoming their lack of belief in self. Once the success is experienced, they can build on it to gain the courage to act out of a strong conviction in their self-goodness and worth.

 

- Break the barrier or outer shell of the self-doubt they have hidden behind and reach out to others. Breaking out of their "shells'' requires letting go of past hurts (real or imagined) and moving on with life.

 

- Open themselves to the possibility of success and accomplishment. Visualize or make a prophecy of winning at life so their energies are focused in a growth direction.

 

- Reward themselves for who they are and capitalize on their strengths, attributes, skills, and competencies.

 

There's also this:

 

What steps can people take to handle insecurity?

 

Step 1: answer the following questions in your journal:

 

a. What behavior traits signal my insecurity?

 

b. What happened in my past to make me insecure?

 

c. What are some of my beliefs that account for my insecurity?

 

d. What are some negative consequences I've experienced due to my insecurity?

 

e. What behavior traits do I need to develop in order to overcome my insecurity?

 

Step 2: After identifying your insecurity, how can you handle it? Answer the following questions in your journal:

 

a. What substitute behavior traits could I develop that would indicate security in myself?

 

b. What are some positive consequences of exhibiting such secure behavior traits in my life?

 

c. What are some rational beliefs I must develop in order to exhibit secure behavior in my life?

 

d. How will my life change if I exhibit secure behavior?

 

e. What is my action plan to develop security in my life?

 

f. What obstacles stand in the way of my executing this action plan?

 

g. How can I overcome the obstacles to my development of self-confidence and security?

 

Step 3: Implement the plan of action in Step 2. Keep a log in your journal as you go through each stage of handling your insecurity.

 

Step 4: The following project is designed to help you develop secure behavior by learning about yourself through the eyes of the others in your life. (Make it smaller or larger as you see fit.)

 

"Overcoming Insecurity" Collage

 

Ask at least six close friends and/or relatives to assist you in making a collage. Tell them you have been assigned to make a collage about yourself for school, work, or a club project. All collages must be 2 x 3 feet. The collage must be completed within two weeks of the time you ask your friends and/or relatives to help you. Ask them to send you magazine pictures, sayings, articles, photos, prizes, trinkets, cards, drawings, objects, ribbons, etc., indicative of the various strengths, attributes, talents, skills, knowledge, virtues, competencies, or abilities you possess. Ask them to send a short explanation with each item they send you. Ask each person to send at least ten items.

 

Once you gather the items, paste them on poster board in collage fashion. On the back of the collage paste the explanations for the items.

 

Share your collage with your friends, family, and helpers. Explain each item on the collage, and explain that they have helped you overcome some of your personal insecurity by giving accurate and honest feedback on reasons why you should feel secure and good about yourself.

 

Step 5: If you are still feeling insecure after completing Steps 1 through 4, review the material, return to Step 1, and begin again.

 

I like making collages. I do it for fun because I am gay.

[whichwayisup]

Good post B_O!

 

WWIU....... first I cannot see the type on the forum as I just started coffee sipping here

 

I'm in a brainfog or something...Or Im just stupid??? LOL!

 

You can't see the type as in really 'seeing' or did you mean, types here who have insecurities??? I don't know! My coffee has kicked in, maybe making ME wired and confused...hehe!

[whichwayisup]

All I know is, at times, depending on where I am in my cycle and how hormonal I am, most of my insecurities are all in my head. How I perceive myself isn't what others see or notice.

[catgirl1927]

Thanks, B_O. I'll try that.

[blind_otter]

Thanks, B_O. I'll try that.

 

Now I want to make a collage. I'm going to go buy a bunch of magazines. Yeah I should be scrubbing the grout in my bathroom tile. But a collage sounds much more fun.

[kitten chick]

Here's something fairly related that I can't seem to wrap my brain around. I was talking with one of my friends last night and she asked what happened with a certain guy. I told her that I figured out that he just wanted to use me for sex so I told him to take a hike...not my exact words to him of course. She told me that she's always admired my self-control, self-respect, and high self-worth. Now I know I have low self-esteem, even if it is a more recent development for me, so how is that possible? How can one have high self-worth and low self-esteem? Am I mistaking low self-esteem for insecurities or are they one and the same? Maybe they're just difficult to differentiate between without exploring the underlying cause.