Revenge...

[Chump64]

Butafly, did I say I believed him? Hell, I don't believe nuthin' from him. Did I say I won the prize? If you were familiar with my situation, you'd know that the story's not over yet and I may still dump his sorry a$$.

[Trimmer]

The problem is that if you are really trying to mend the union, revenge really shouldn't be part of the equation.

 

I realize this won't likely be a popular opinion in the context of this thread, but I maintain that if you are really trying to heal and become a whole person again, that revenge really shouldn't be part of the equation at all, regardless of the target.

 

As long as you seek revenge, you continue to allow them control over you.

[BUTAFLY]

Butafly, did I say I believed him? Hell, I don't believe nuthin' from him. Did I say I won the prize? If you were familiar with my situation, you'd know that the story's not over yet and I may still dump his sorry a$$.

 

I only read what you wrote in this thread but the following is a quote from U

I pathetic wife, believed what he said.

 

but I do get it.....theirs Cheating husband bashing going on in here so.....let it out.

[luvtoto]

I have the attitude now of what comes around goes around. Trust me...they'll get theirs. Let a higher power deal with them.

[Chump64]

Butafly, can you direct me to that full post so I can see the context? I believe I was referring to my initial confrontation of my spouse in which he lied and I believed him because I was in denial. That was before I did my own little private investigation. But anyway, full post, please?

 

Thanks in advance.

[Chump64]

Trimmer, you are right, of course. I can vouch for the fact that irrational thoughts go through the heads of betrayed spouses sometimes. I would never do anything dangerous or threatening, of course. I do think it's insane when people consider revenge affairs. Adding more dysfunction to a bad situation is never good.

[Blind Illusion]

I see a potential problem when individual posters are named (so I won't, but suffice to say it's on both sides of the OW/BS triangle)

 

I think that some of the things that have been said in the past few days makes it very difficult for parties to come in down the line, if circumstances take a bad turn. No one wants to come in to post something if they feel there is a small gloating chorus out there exclaiming, "See, look, you really weren't a 'success" or "Ha ha, he was lying all along". And, that's really too bad. Actually, pardon my language, but that downright sucks.

 

Perhaps none of this is my business and I shouldn't care but the good part about Love Shack is the support and those parties might not feel as comfortable posting down the line if things change.

[Guest]

I've done several immature things as part of "revenge." I know they were stupid but they made me feel better at the time and still make me laugh, so it's all good.

 

The OW is 11 years older than me. I threw a bottle of anti-ageing cream down in her driveway. Then another time I put a mug in front of her parking spot at work that says "Grandma" on it. Not proud, no, but yes, I amused myself and that alone was worth it.

 

Oh, sure--as if these actions will make her "feel bad." You're right, you were immature. Anti-aging cream? Grandma mug? Ever hear of Goldie Hawn, babe?

[Chump64]

Trust me, going on age-based looks, Goldie Hawn could be her daughter or granddaughter. Even then, Goldie is gorgeous and therefore could not have descended from OW's genes.

 

I don't care how she feels. It made me feel better.

 

Oh, and grow some balls, "Guest." I love the cowards who are too askeerd to use their real poster names so they can throw barbs.

[SueBee3490]

I think we have all felt that twinge of wanting to seek revenge on those who hurt us.

 

When I found out my H cheated on me during dating days, I wanted to not only hurt him but also his women. It seems I wanted to hurt the ones who knew about me moreso than the ones that didn't. I couldn't really blame the ones who he lied to and said he wasn't in a relationship with anyone - they didn't know. The ones who knew, in my book, were sluts. Even if they didn't have a physical relationship with him, they knew he had a gf and continued to carry online with him.

 

I thought about taking a hammer to his brand new pickup truck which he loved - but I didn't. I thought about printing one of the emails from one of his women in OK who knew he was involved with me and sending it to all her husbands' relatives in the small town in OK they lived in. I knew her married name and saw alot with that same last name in the same town - so I assumed it was his side of the family.

 

I even wanted revenge against them when I wasn't sure if we would work out our marriage or not. I just knew I was hurting so badly and I wanted him to feel it too. But in the end, I chickened out and did nothing but cry, see 4 different counselors and sink into a depression. As they say "nice guys (gals" finish last" So True

[Chump64]

You’re right about the “nice guys” thing. They cheat, have sex, fun and companionship and then WE have to find it within ourselves to get past the hurt and forgive, unless we want to ditch them. I can think of few things as unfair as this scenario. We get crapped on and then someone tosses us the mop and says, “clean it up.”

 

The only real, effective way for me to seek revenge on my husband would be to leave him, sell the house and share custody of the kids. And I do fantasize about it. But is any of that going to make me feel better? Vindicated? Maybe for a week, a month, a year, whatever. (This is how I feel today. Tomorrow it could be different. ) But overall, that’s not likely to make me feel better or to make my life better long term, given the circumstances (a decent marriage worth saving, a remorseful and regretful spouse who is doing all he can to fix himself). Plus, that would be hell for the kids. That said, this is exactly what will happen if he pulls any more crap on me, ever. I'll burn rubber when and if that day comes.

[BUTAFLY]

I think we have all felt that twinge of wanting to seek revenge on those who hurt us.

 

When I found out my H cheated on me during dating days, I wanted to not only hurt him but also his women. It seems I wanted to hurt the ones who knew about me moreso than the ones that didn't. I couldn't really blame the ones who he lied to and said he wasn't in a relationship with anyone - they didn't know. The ones who knew, in my book, were sluts. Even if they didn't have a physical relationship with him, they knew he had a gf and continued to carry online with him.

 

I thought about taking a hammer to his brand new pickup truck which he loved - but I didn't. I thought about printing one of the emails from one of his women in OK who knew he was involved with me and sending it to all her husbands' relatives in the small town in OK they lived in. I knew her married name and saw alot with that same last name in the same town - so I assumed it was his side of the family.

 

I even wanted revenge against them when I wasn't sure if we would work out our marriage or not. I just knew I was hurting so badly and I wanted him to feel it too. But in the end, I chickened out and did nothing but cry, see 4 different counselors and sink into a depression. As they say "nice guys (gals" finish last" So True

 

See thats revenge. Not secretivley having sex with someone else.

 

but just one thing....If he had a history of cheating on you before you married him- why marry? not being critical, just want to understand

[BUTAFLY]

You’re right about the “nice guys” thing. They cheat, have sex, fun and companionship and then WE have to find it within ourselves to get past the hurt and forgive, unless we want to ditch them. I can think of few things as unfair as this scenario. We get crapped on and then someone tosses us the mop and says, “clean it up.”

I asked the question in another thread why do adulterous MM keep their wifes if not happy. you just answered it for me. Because they can get away with it. because they will miss their door mat.

 

The only real, effective way for me to seek revenge on my husband would be to leave him, sell the house and share custody of the kids.

 

Why is that revenge on him? why not freedom for you?

 

that’s not likely to make me feel better or to make my life better long term, given the circumstances (a decent marriage worth saving, a remorseful and regretful spouse who is doing all he can to fix himself).

 

remorseful and regretful spouse? fix himself? he has shown the same behavior for 10 years.

 

this is exactly what will happen if he pulls any more crap on me, ever. I'll burn rubber when and if that day comes.

 

oh I know... after 11years thats when you'll wake up and THEN thats enough?

 

Why do you feel your not deserving of better? Why are you afraid to take a stand? Stop 'cleaning up the mess" and stand up for yourself for crying out loud.

[Chump64]

Butafly, you continue to follow me around on this board, call me out and pick apart my posts. Do you have a problem with me? Have I struck a chord with you? You are the OW in your situation, correct? Do I make you feel uncomfortable or threatened in some way? Because you seem to have very visceral reactions to anything I post, and I don't see you doing that with anyone else. And frankly, I would not be surprised if you were the "guest" who threw an insult my way earlier on this thread.

 

Are you going to continue to throw barbs my way whenever I talk about my pain, and turn it into some stupid platitude about MM / OW / BS to use against betrayed spouses? Is that what this support board is for? Because frankly, I’m not finding your comments to be very supportive. Honestly, are you here to antagonize or support? Is this making you feel better about your situation, to keep confronting me and questioning my every statement?

 

Anyway, I will try to answer your questions.

 

I asked the question in another thread why do adulterous MM keep their wifes if not happy. you just answered it for me. Because they can get away with it. because they will miss their door mat.

 

You are assuming that all MM are not happy in their marriages. And you are especially assuming that of my husband. I have read some of your other posts and it's pretty clear that you definitely believe there scenarios where happily married men cheat on their wives. On May 28th, you said to another poster (an OW): "He's not going to leave because he is not unhappy- thats just what he tells you. This is "how to be a cheat 101' play the sympathy card. Men know women are nurturers and they know what to say to get the women to feel sorry for them." Again, why do you pretend to know differently re: my situation?

 

And yes, I feel like I do get 75 percent of the pain / cleanup. I think that's unfair. He got to have all the fun and he only gets 25 percent of the pain, from my perspective. But he's not "getting away" completely scot free (if I said otherwise, please show me where). He's in therapy twice a week. He has to show me that he has found out what his problems and weaknesses are, he has to fix them. He has to make the THE top priority of his life. He is willing to do those things and is working hard at them, and it's not easy. I still maintain that I have most of the pain but I never said he was completely off the hook. I still think it's unfair. I still think I have a right to vent about it on a "support" board for relationships without being bashed by the likes of you. And please, don't make simple assumptions about complicated situations. As an OW, I would think you'd at least know that much.

 

Why is that revenge on him? why not freedom for you?

 

Here you are asking me why I don't leave him and view it as revenge vs. freedom. You must have missed this earlier part of my post, where I said: " But is any of that going to make me feel better? Vindicated? Maybe for a week, a month, a year, whatever. (This is how I feel today. Tomorrow it could be different.) But overall, that’s not likely to make me feel better or to make my life better long term, given the circumstances (a decent marriage worth saving, a remorseful and regretful spouse who is doing all he can to fix himself)." Please try to read more carefully. Thanks in advance.

 

oh I know... after 11years thats when you'll wake up and THEN thats enough?

 

 

How did I "wake up"? This affair was hidden from me, completely and utterly. We had a pretty damn good marriage, or so it seemed. Almost everything happened during the work day. There were no signs, no questionable cell calls or CC statements, no receipts, no time spent away from home (with the exception of a few late nights at the office, allegedly). Why do you accuse me of "waking up" to something that was so expertly hidden? And what do you know about walking away from an 18 year marriage that has many positive aspects to it?

 

 

Why do you feel your not deserving of better? Why are you afraid to take a stand? Stop 'cleaning up the mess" and stand up for yourself for crying out loud.

 

I do feel deserving of better. That's why I went undercover and busted him, and nailed him to the wall, and offered him this one-time chance to change or get out. Are you saying my only chance to have something better is a different man entirely? Why can't I work to have a better marriage? Are you saying my husband can't or won't ever "fix" himself? And how do you know this? Is my only option, in your mind, to dump him and start over? Do you think in black and white much? Why is it so wrong for me to give this a shot? Is it cowardly, in your mind? Some people would say it's brave, "for crying out loud."

 

How am I not standing up for myself? Not standing up for myself would be to continue to tolerate undesirable behavior. I busted him, offered a divorce or one chance at fixing this (he chose the latter), gave him an entire list of demands (for life), etc. How is that being a door mat?

 

I'm really confused about your generalizations and your repeated challenges. You seem to have a lot of compassion for people who are on the cheating side, yet you repeatedly come after me and challenge my comments. Please answer my questions.

 

Thanks Butafly. Looking forward to your replies.

[zarathustra]

I tried to PM this to you as well, Butafly, to be sure you saw it and would respond. It looks like you don’t have your PM capability enabled.

Hi Chump,

 

I don't think that Butafly has been the only one who said something negative to you about your little immature acts of revenge. I think you really should direct your revenge to the right party. You never know what nasty things your H has said to his xOW and if he didn't leave you after 10 years, its probably because she never pushed or she may have encouraged him to stay with you because of your kids? she was happy with the very little that he invested in her. His actions not only hurt you, but you need to remember that it dealt the OW a whole lot of hurt too. yeah, he dropped her like a hot potato. Do you realize that she needs to pick up the pieces of her life little by little? I'm not saying that the OW is without fault, but she too is a human being. What you should consider is that your childish acts should have been directed at him and not to her. Likely she did not set out to be an OW. Many of us didn't choose it intentionally and I for one encouraged my now xMM to work on his marriage and not leave for me.

 

to the op, I have never once thought of revenge. I don't have it in me. I have been wronged and have wronged others myself.

[Chump64]

I hear you, zarathustra. I blame my husband 99 percent, believe me. I know my acts of revenge are immature and stupid. I know she is human and is hurting. I am not above a few stupid antics to make myself feel better, though, especially when she was at my house screwing my husband 3 times a week. Don't worry, I'm dealing with him and his reponsibility too. And I do hold him primarily responsible. He is the one who made vows and promises to me, after all.

 

As far as Butafly goes, read some other threads on this board. She clearly has a hard-on for me, and it is not in the form of support. But I'll take it up with the board moderators / administrators.

[BUTAFLY]

Chump...I do have sympathy for you and your situation. I guess I have been picking on you because your posts have seemed so meek and pathetic, but your above reply has some gusto to it and it made me laugh actuallly.

 

I just don't like women who complain and stand by watching with a sign that says, poor me, as men take advantage of them.

 

Have I been the OW? yes, not knowingly though...... I dated an engaged man for 7months when I noticed 'something wasn't right'. I did some snooping and found out he was getting married. I, like you didn't have a clue but after a while things in your gut begin to feel off with the relationship. Thats why I wonder where you were mentally that your husband could keep this charade of a marriage going for 10 years.

 

as for the comment Why is that revenge on him? why not freedom for you?

 

I was pointing out you thinking. Your making it about him. I'm just saying what about you? He totally disrespect you, the sanctify of marriage and by doing so stated the rewards out weighed the risk of losing you.

 

Do I think you should leave your H? Do what you will. Sounds like you already started the best steps for you to rehabilitate your relationship.

 

But when I was replying to the other poster in a different room. I did say the MM will not leave his wife because he is happy. I would be happy if I could be married, live a single life on the side, and still have someone rear my children, cook my food, do my laundry, worship me, have the companionship and have sex with - if the OW was not around AND he gets to keep his money. Hell- he has it made.

 

Why is it so wrong for me to give this a shot? Is it cowardly, in your mind? Some people would say it's brave, "for crying out loud."

I'm all for telling yourself whatever it takes to get through the day.

I just wonder if you didn't start digging around what would he and the OW be doing today? Perhaps he would have been stricken with guilt and ended the A. OR maybe they would be laughing behind your back about how they have gotten away with you being his Chump for 10yrs.

[zarathustra]

I hear you, zarathustra. I blame my husband 99 percent, believe me. I know my acts of revenge are immature and stupid. I know she is human and is hurting. I am not above a few stupid antics to make myself feel better, though, especially when she was at my house screwing my husband 3 times a week. Don't worry, I'm dealing with him and his reponsibility too. And I do hold him primarily responsible. He is the one who made vows and promises to me, after all.

 

As far as Butafly goes, read some other threads on this board. She clearly has a hard-on for me, and it is not in the form of support. But I'll take it up with the board moderators / administrators.

I think as an OW myself, I felt hurt by reading your actions and also felt that you felt better at the expense of someone who is already hurting. I think that its no different then kicking someone when they are down. No offense. Remember, yes, she was screwing your h at your house, but he was the one who chose to contaminate your house with his actions. I don't absolve his OW of her participation, but again, she is an open wound and probably lost a lot more than you did. When you H chose you, you won... she lost. I hope you understand that.

 

guess now you need to figure out what to do with the 'prize'

[Chump64]

I get what you are saying, Z.

 

FYI:

 

When you H chose you, you won... she lost. I hope you understand that.

 

She has been married (happily, allegedly) for 30 years and never wanted to leave her spouse. Never intended to. Neither did my husband. She and my husband were both selfish cake eaters.

 

 

guess now you need to figure out what to do with the 'prize'

 

Thanks for your concern. I am pretty much letting him figure out what to do with himself. If he can find out what's broken and try to fix it, it might work for us. If he can do that, and I am satisfied, and with a sh*tload of luck, we might make it.

[zarathustra]

guess now you need to figure out what to do with the 'prize'

 

Thanks for your concern. I am pretty much letting him figure out what to do with himself. If he can find out what's broken and try to fix it, it might work for us. If he can do that, and I am satisfied, and with a sh*tload of luck, we might make it.

then best of luck, Chump.

 

Isn't it interesting how a OW and a BS can talk so civilly to each other. I think that the world is a better place today.

[Chump64]

I don't think you were especially civil with your "prize" comment, but maybe I'm reading you wrong.

 

[SueBee3490]

but just one thing....If he had a history of cheating on you before you married him- why marry? not being critical, just want to understand

 

To answer you Butafly - I didn't know about my H cheating on me while dating until after I married him. In fact it was about 4 months after marrying him that I found out the whole time we dated, he continued to cheat. We were a LDR and I guess I just trusted him completely.

 

I will say that once about 1 1/2 yrs into the relationship he said he went out with someone else. I was upset and wondered whether to break it off completely but I decided to forgive and give him another chance - believing him the whole time that he was really remorseful and sorry and I quote him....."I see how hurt you are by this and I will never do it again". A liar and a cheat. But I sometimes feel that giving him another chance was my fault - I should have cut him out of my life when I found out about that one but I was so in love and truly believed him. All it got me was a whole lot of heartache.

[Chump64]

Buttafly:

 

I just don't like women who complain and stand by watching with a sign that says, poor me, as men take advantage of them.

 

 

I’m with you there. Can you tell me where I’ve done this? Am I not allowed to vent about my pain without it being seen as “poor me,” especially on a support board? Because I feel the whole thing is unfair, should I just walk away and not try to sort this out? I feel like I should give it one shot. I’m not sure it will work. Maybe so, with a whole lot of discussion, therapy and good luck. Exactly how is that letting him take advantage of me?

 

Yeah, I am saying "poor me." Isn't that what a support board is for? No, I am not letting anyone take advantage of me. We are trying to work this out together, and not without a lot of freaking pain on both of our parts. Excuse the eff out of me Butafly -- I thought this was a safe place to discuss my feelings.

 

I'm just saying what about you? He totally disrespect you, the sanctify of marriage and by doing so stated the rewards out weighed the risk of losing you.

 

Thanks for thinking of me, but I don’t think my best interests were your intention. Right now my best interests are in trying to work this out. If it doesn’t work out, I have a backup plan. I know that I was disrespected and that he risked everything. Do you honestly think you are telling me something new? Something I don’t struggle with daily? Really, what is the point of you coming onto this “support” board and rub salt into wounds? I'm thinking that most of your nasty posts have to do with your own anger and your own situation.

 

Do I think you should leave your H? Do what you will. Sounds like you already started the best steps for you to rehabilitate your relationship.

 

Then why the nasty, dogging comments? Again, you are not here to support. You are here to hurt, scratch and spit. What have I done to you?

 

I just wonder if you didn't start digging around what would he and the OW be doing today?

 

Well DUH! They would still be screwing! Any moron knows that. Do you think we haven’t talked about that 100 times? Do you think I haven’t thought about this, and considered it from every angle? Does it make you feel better to know that this is one of the most difficult things for me to get past?

 

OR maybe they would be laughing behind your back about how they have gotten away with you being his Chump for 10yrs.

 

Does it make you feel better to see that I’ve thought of all your mean digs, turned them over in my head hundreds of times, spoken about them with therapists?

 

Again, it is so completely ironic that I (betrayed spouse) am spending time justifying my decision -- to give my marriage a one-time shot at recovery -- to you, the cheater.

[zarathustra]

I don't think you were especially civil with your "prize" comment, but maybe I'm reading you wrong.

 

there was no harsh intent on my prize comment. Just so you know.

 

To be frank, I think that marriages requires hard work on both end. If you think that your H is broken because he went outside the marriage and he's the only one that needs fixing, then I think that you need a bit more than luck.

 

After my H and I separated, I told him the things that weren't working for me in the marriage and he didn't want to admit that he had any fault. After my xMM and I split up, my H and I continued to talk and over time, he recognized where he went wrong and he told me the things that I did that bothered him too. We decided to give our M a second try and we work really hard (both of us) to fulfill each other's ENs.

 

I'm telling you this with the best of intention. Do with it what you may.

 

One more thing, I'm all for giving M second chances, but you called both H and OW cake eaters. Please think about why you want to be with one. Food for thought.

 

 

To OP... Sorry about the TJ.

[Chump64]

Your advice is condescending ("do with it what you will"), but I think it’s because I am coming off as though he deserves all the blame. I’m not that stupid, honest.

 

I take no responsibility for him stepping outside the marriage. I absolutely, positively take 50 percent responsibility for the state of our marriage at the time he made that choice.

 

I know that to some degree, any affair is a byproduct of marital dysfunction. I do think that someone who can betray his spouse for so long and so deliberately, with no intention of ever leaving the marriage, has a few issues of his own to sort out. We won’t get through this without also analyzing the marriage itself from every angle, trust me.