Revenge...

[silktricks]

As for being in this forum, MsC, so long as I'm not spewing venom on this forum, I'll stick around. Just like you lurk around in the OW forum. Ciao, dahling.

 

Z, I don't believe that you have EVER spewed venom on any forum.

[silktricks]

If you will allow me to speak for "your" OW, I will.

 

If she is remotely human, she has felt guilt, remorse, agony, betrayal, rejection, and a whole other host of horrific, gut-wrenching feelings.

 

I believe that many OW feel all of these feelings, and I absolutely believe that YOU feel these feelings. I don't, however, believe that a woman who knows a man is married and purposefully goes after him, with intent - and especially one who shows that pattern in her life, feels any guilt or remorse. If she had guilt, if she had remorse, she wouldn't do it a 2nd time.

 

Betrayal and rejection - that I'll buy. Anger and frustration - those as well. But WA, not every OW was tricked the way you were. Some of them (such as the one in my case) are intent on getting what they want, and that all they give a rip about.

[Walking away]

Yes, Silk...

 

I was tricked....But even I stupidly allowed myself to get sucked into this fantasyland over and over and over again once I found out he was married.

 

I should have walked away at that moment and never, ever looked back. For if I had known then what I know now...I WOULD have walked and never looked back. Not doubt in my mind...

 

I tried. I tried SO HARD....But I failed and I was weakened...and he was so good....to me, my kids, my friends. He was a dream come true for me...

 

Yes, I did the right thing FINALLY, but not until massive destruction occured in not only my life but his.

 

I should have walked away and stayed away the first moment I knew he was married. But I was weak, in love, and he enticed me.....and I have no one to blame but myself. I KNEW better than this. This was not me....and not what I ever wanted to become....but I became, unwittingly, the OW. And, against my better judgement, staunch religious beliefs, and faith in God....I stayed the OW.

 

And now I will suffer.

[BUTAFLY]

WoW Walking Away...I can only imagine your pain. How long has it been since you broke if off for good? I never realized our stories were similar. for me its been a year and there have been times where I would see him at work and my heart would flutter a little, but by the will of God I refrained from personal talk somehow. earlier today he was talking to me while I seached his face and eyes looking for that familiar flutter and I felt nothing. I hope this is the beginning of the end.

[silktricks]

At times I lusted after revenge, dreaming - fantasizing at length about it and how good it would feel. But in the end I knew that I would never follow-through on those thoughts, as in the end, it simply is not me.

 

Hurting her would only hurt me. I like the saying "living good is the best revenge" so that's what I do. I live good and I live happy (with my husband who lives happy as well.)

[Chump64]

First off, THANK YOU to everyone who has been supportive. I really appreciate that.

 

Butafly, this became a "Butafly vs. Chump" thing when you ridiculed me for believing something my husband told me about ending the affair, on this very thread. That post was deleted and other nasty posts of yours have been reported. Do not try to say you are only trying to ask helpful questions. What a load of bull. That is nothing short of disingenuous. And on that other thread (how common is infidelity), you clearly blamed me for not being aware of the affair. (To which I asked you, how didn't you know your boyfriend was engaged to be married?) Touche. Don't try to pretend you just have a harsh approach or that you rubbed me the wrong way. You were being a d*ck on purpose. Go back and read your posts. The tone of most of your posts to me drip with ridicule, sarcasm and questions about why I'm doing what I'm doing. You need a reminder that this is a support forum.

 

I'll let this drop now, assuming you knock off the bullcrap. But if you keep up the nasty crap for no good reason, I will call you on it every time. If I wanted a debate about my husband's behavior, and I wanted someone to give judgments on how I'm trying to handle my situation, and to call me pathetic and weak, and to ridicule me for believing him when I do think he is telling me the truth, I'd start threads about those topics.

 

This is not a case of an over-sensitive BS. This is a case of you twisting the knife and spewing venom - on a support board - to get your rocks off.

[Walking away]

After many starts and stops with the whole "break up" thing, I finally instituted complete and non-negotiable NC today. We had been in NC for a month for clarity and perspective.

 

He e-mailed me today and I closed that chapter of my life forever today. Perhaps that is why I am so raw.

 

But, to answer your question....we ended it when his wife found out about me. A half-hearted attempt at best, but ended it nevertheless.

 

As true to form, he continued contact me even after her discovery of me and I was losing my mind. Couldn't sleep....couldn't eat...the works...anyone who has walked in my shoes knows how this all goes...

 

I instituted NC last month for myself....to heal and get my strength back to close the chapter with him for good.

 

But, after a month of not speaking or writing to each other, it was a tad bit unsettling to hear from him after all this time. I elmost expected the month NC date to come and go without a word from him.

 

But, that was not the case.

 

We left it lovingly and peacefully. A very dignified end. And I would always want it to be this way. That is my style.

 

So, yeah, I am tender today, but tomorrow will be better. My life has been difficult lately, and this just made my life more difficult today.

 

But, I will survive. I made my bed...now I will lay in it.

[silktricks]

Yes, I did the right thing FINALLY, but not until massive destruction occured in not only my life but his.

 

I should have walked away and stayed away the first moment I knew he was married. But I was weak, in love, and he enticed me.....and I have no one to blame but myself. I KNEW better than this. This was not me....and not what I ever wanted to become....but I became, unwittingly, the OW. And, against my better judgement, staunch religious beliefs, and faith in God....I stayed the OW.

 

And now I will suffer.

 

A wise woman (my grandmother actually) once told me that if we never regret anything we've done, then we've never learned anything.

 

If you can, go on with your life as this being a lesson learned. None of us gets through this life without making a boatload of mistakes.

[Walking away]

Thanks Silk...

 

I am strong and I will persevere, but I know that I will have far reaching damage to contend with....my psyche has changed.

 

I am now unsure of people. And I always trusted people until they gave me a reason not to..

 

I guess I am sorry that my innocence towards humanity has been lost forever and now I must compensate for it.

[Chump64]

Oh my trust in other people is completely shot too, WA. Sad, isn't it? I hope to become less cynical with time. I was already pretty cynical before this happened.

 

I am sorry you are having a rough day today.

[Walking away]

Thanks Chump...

 

You always went to bat for me.

 

And I, too, am sorry that you are having a struggle.

 

Tomorrow will be better.

[BUTAFLY]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t87912/ I don't know if this will work but try this link...This is truly a hot topic in the OM/OW forum it gets asked at least once a week. See for yourself. If you don't want to believe thats you. If you want to get your frustrations out on me...Fine Im a big girl I can take it. Like I said whatever gets you through the day. God Speed.

[Chump64]

WA: Sadly, it's interesting that your affair partner kept it up after his wife found out. I found suspicious emails and was gaslighted, but was continuously suspicious and kept asking questions for months (until I started spying). Looking back, I can't believe he kept it up. He said he lied thinking that he would end it and that it would be history I'd never need to know about. Then right before I busted him with evidence, he found a voice recorder I'd hidden in his office. He still didn't say anything to me. These are things that will make recovery so much more difficult. I recall telling him after the first suspicious emails, "This will be so much worse if you are lying to me now and I find out the truth later." He swore up and down that there was nothing more to it. Only when I had solid evidence -- all neatly packaged in a big fat envelope for him -- and offered to go directly to the courthouse with him, did he seem to "get" it.

[Chump64]

Butafly, what is the point of posting that link? Are you saying that OW are the experts when it comes to reasons why MM cheat? IF that's what you are saying, it's ironic, since you constantly talk about how MM lie to their affair partners.

 

Please enlighten me -- what exactly are you saying? Does this pertain specifically to my situation and if so, how? It's almost creepy that you seem to know so much about my husband. Maybe you are his OW.

 

I am not taking my frustrations out on you. I am pointing out your extremely rude behavior on this support board. You don't want to own your crap so you try to deflect it back on me as doing what I need to do to "get through the day." That's another load of bull and a very transparent tactic.

 

If you are a "big girl," as you say, be accountable for what you post. Because I sure as h*ll am going to hold you accountable for anything you post to me in your foaming-at-the-mouth tone.

[Guest]

As for being in this forum, MsC, so long as I'm not spewing venom on this forum, I'll stick around. Just like you lurk around in the OW forum. Ciao, dahling.

 

Zara - gee I don't remember in my post ever stating that I felt you shouldn't be in the forum. I was trying to say that I felt we all needed to be supportive in this forum and that the pain people feel when someone they trusted and loved cheated on them is horrendous and that maybe we could all be a little more sensitive and perhaps think before we post. I am sorry if in any way I offended you.

[BUTAFLY]

Thanks Silk...

 

I am strong and I will persevere, but I know that I will have far reaching damage to contend with....my psyche has changed.

 

I am now unsure of people. And I always trusted people until they gave me a reason not to..

 

I guess I am sorry that my innocence towards humanity has been lost forever and now I must compensate for it.

 

I look at it like this....I have been lucky in love up till this point. I am lucky I only ran into on bad apple of the bunch out their. I too will never be the same and will always approach future relationships with extreme caution. may even backround checks before i start dating.

[BUTAFLY]

Chump64,

have a drink...settle down...no one is callling you a liar or that MM lie or whatever your trying to say...I'm getting confused, your making references to things I have long forgotten-and about sick of the whole thing anyway. its over..chill

[MsColorado]

As for being in this forum, MsC, so long as I'm not spewing venom on this forum, I'll stick around. Just like you lurk around in the OW forum. Ciao, dahling.

 

Zara, where in my post did I ever say that you couldn't lurk or post on this forum? I certainly don't appreciate it when a BS gets told not to post on the OW forum and I would never tell an OW that she can't post in the infidelity forum. But I do think that sometimes people go into them to take out their real life frustrations and aggravations and hurt on people they don't know and of course that is not productive or helpful at all. I think we should all maybe be a little kinder and a little gentler with each other in our posts. I am sorry if I offended you and that was not my intention at all.

[Chump64]

Buttafly, again, you are deflecting the responsibility of the things you have posted. Would you like me to cut and paste your posts so everyone can see what a d*ck you have been? You seem young, mouthy and fast to judge / eager to deflect responsibility for your actions. You offend people with your bratty mouth and then you say, "chill." I'm not letting you off the hook that easily, especially if you don't think before you bloviate from here on out.

[castle26]

Trust me, going on age-based looks, Goldie Hawn could be her daughter or granddaughter. Even then, Goldie is gorgeous and therefore could not have descended from OW's genes.

 

I don't care how she feels. It made me feel better.

 

Oh, and grow some balls, "Guest." I love the cowards who are too askeerd to use their real poster names so they can throw barbs.

 

Well, you're wrong about me, Chump! I see you are still jumping to conclusions and spouting-off without knowing the facts. I hadn't been here for awhile and had to look up my password; that's why I posted as a guest. Really, my comments weren't so much about you, or the person you're obsessing about, but more about my personal reaction. I'm pretty sure I'm older than you and my reaction was to think that if a woman believes being younger than another woman will automatically give her an advantage....well, you know that's not true, Chump. But, for fu*ks sake, try to calm yourself down. No one on this board caused your marital problems, I'd venture to say. Stop attacking everybody already.

[THX2000]

I think as an OW myself, I felt hurt by reading your actions and also felt that you felt better at the expense of someone who is already hurting. I think that its no different then kicking someone when they are down. No offense. Remember, yes, she was screwing your h at your house, but he was the one who chose to contaminate your house with his actions. I don't absolve his OW of her participation, but again, she is an open wound and probably lost a lot more than you did. When you H chose you, you won... she lost. I hope you understand that.

 

guess now you need to figure out what to do with the 'prize'

 

No offense but that is a bunch of self serving bulls***. I guess it's really easy to empathize with someone that is/has done the same thing you have done. Have you ever been in the situation that Chump was in? Have you ever had the relationship you invested your entire world into destroyed and disrespected by another person that knowingly and intentionally did that? Yes I am sure her husband is a total idiot and I blame him for doing what he did 100%. However, you can't relinquish any blame to the OW/OM for knowingly disrespecting a person's marriage/life/family and in this case the sanctity of their home. Then you bash Chump for lashing out at this person after her world collapses around her and chide herby saying "she's hurting too". You know what? Too frigging bad. Deal with it. She deserves whatever consequences come her way from her own decisions.

Now that I have that out of the way I do realize that good people can make bad decisions. A OW/OM may very well be a really great person but you are judged by how you live your life and the decisions that you make.

[Blind Illusion]

A OW/OM may very well be a really great person but you are judged by how you live your life and the decisions that you make.

Which is exactly why judgement calls are wrong in the first place. Who among us lives perfectly lives without making mistakes along the way. Who among us knows exactly what else is going on in the person's life that led him or her to these decisions.

 

Since the answer is no one on both accounts, I try my damnest not to judge anyone in the first place.

 

The only person one should really 'judge' is oneself. For everyone, there is always improvement in some area. Of course, that is much harder and less fun than worrying about what another should or shouldn't have done.

[Chump64]

Silk, I've been thinking about what you said about OW. You are right, someone who keeps coming back for more and knows the OM is married (and who is also married) is a different breed than someone who is tricked into a situation. IMO, it's even worse in a long term situation where there are no plans to end a marriage -- just plans to play games and eff with other lives indefinitely.

 

In my case, I think I would have less harsh feelings if the OW had not been a friend, had not come to my house for various social events over the years (and invited me to herse for the same), had not come to visit me when I had a baby a few years ago, (BALLS.OF.STEEL), etc. That takes no blame off my husband. I just admit to having zero empathy for the OW in my case (nor do I have any for my husband). Maybe that will change some day.

 

WA's posts about what she may be feeling do give me some satisfaction. It also helps me to know that the OW in my case is not gorgeous, thin and super intelligent. I know, shallow and stupid on my part. It is what it is.

 

I also agree with your assessment of Loveshack, Silk. Overall, there is not a lot of empathy for BS on this forum. BS are routinely written off as being "angry" and "bitter." Well, h*ll yes! And that invalidates our opinions somehow? I realize that OW take a lot of heat too, but the wagons circle around when someone shoots their mouth off in that forum. When someone shoots their mouth off in THIS forum, the hurt BS is told, "Hush up and take a pill or something. You are just bitter and need to simmah down."

[Chump64]

Blind Illusion, I'm sorry, but I think you'd have to practically be a saint not to harshly judge someone who had a 10-year affair.

[Chump64]

Shineshop, I don't really think Z was bashing me, but I appreciate your support. And you are right, I have zero empathy for the OW. But again, I have zero empathy for my husband either. I'm glad that OW is hurting. Frankly, I hope she hurts until the day she kicks.