Is he still in love with his ex ?

[Yuri Masae]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been with my man for about two years. Before me, he was with a GORGEOUS girl who cheated on him and dumped him after 6 months. It took him ages to recover, and eventually he met me. The trouble is, she has recently made contact again and asked to meet him "as friends".

 

He seems a bit too overjoyed at the idea of seeing her again, and I found out last christmas that he had written her a Xmas card with "I think of you every day" on it, but never sent it. He also keeps her drawings and letters around the house and whenever he speaks about her, you'd honestly believe she was a saint. I once cracked a joke about her and he had a right go at me ! He also took me on holidays at the same place he used to take her and bought both of us a green amber ring...

 

I confronted him and asked him if he still feels for her, but he told me she was a thing of the past and that he knew he would never go back with her, "because they were too different". He said nothing about the card_ at the time he wrote it though, we had been together for nearly a year. He says I'm paranoid and that he loves me, but I can't get rid of the doubt that he might somehow still love her and compare her to me. As you can imagine, I've started feeling fairly insecure. What can I do ?

 

I've had nightmares about it for the past 3 nights and I'm truly making myself sick, so please help !

 

Hugs

 

Yuri xxx

 

PS Excuse my english I'm French !

[moldy donut]

First of all your English is just perfect =) If you feel that he's a bit too overjoyed with her making contact with him, then you are probably right. Instincts are good things, usually never wrong. I think that was creepy and disrespectful to you and your relationship, the fact that he took you someplace that he'd been to with her in the past. Sounds like he's still hanging onto her and the memories they had, I'm sorry to say. I can understand your starting to feel insecure about all this, most people would as well. If you've been with him for 2 years and you still suspect he's not over her, then i think it's time you re-evaluate your relationship. now about the fact that she made contact with him, what is going on with this? Does she want to see or meet up with him? How did she contact him, by phone or letter or in person? If you think for one minute that he still has feelings for her, if I were you I'd break up with him. You should be the # 1 woman in his life, and he shouldn't be giving the time of day to someone from his past, who cheated on him, no less. He sounds mixed up. You deserve better. And him buying you both the same ring, what a weirdo. You have every right to be angry and hurt. And the christmas card, yuck. Doesn't sound like he's over her and maybe he never will be? Sorry your going through this. You deserve better.

Hi everyone, I've been with my man for about two years. Before me, he was with a GORGEOUS girl who cheated on him and dumped him after 6 months. It took him ages to recover, and eventually he met me. The trouble is, she has recently made contact again and asked to meet him "as friends".

 

He seems a bit too overjoyed at the idea of seeing her again, and I found out last christmas that he had written her a Xmas card with "I think of you every day" on it, but never sent it. He also keeps her drawings and letters around the house and whenever he speaks about her, you'd honestly believe she was a saint. I once cracked a joke about her and he had a right go at me ! He also took me on holidays at the same place he used to take her and bought both of us a green amber ring... I confronted him and asked him if he still feels for her, but he told me she was a thing of the past and that he knew he would never go back with her, "because they were too different". He said nothing about the card_ at the time he wrote it though, we had been together for nearly a year. He says I'm paranoid and that he loves me, but I can't get rid of the doubt that he might somehow still love her and compare her to me. As you can imagine, I've started feeling fairly insecure. What can I do ? I've had nightmares about it for the past 3 nights and I'm truly making myself sick, so please help ! Hugs Yuri xxx PS Excuse my english I'm French !

[midori]

Your English is perfectly fine.

 

I think you have good reason to be upset. Which is not to say that he's necessarily still in love with his ex. But he's playing with fire. When a relationship ends on a sour note like that there is no reason to resurrect the connection, even in a new form like "friendship." If they're so different, what kind of friendship could they have? Friendship seems unlikely there, so just what would the relationship be? Him secretly longing after her? Her secretly longing after him? Neither is good for your relationship.

 

Just going on what you said, it does sound to me like your bf has unresolved issues/feelings for this woman. If he were wise, he'd stay away from her. He'd be questioning why she's getting in touch with him in the first place. He'd be questioning his own reaction to her.

 

But he's not being wise, obviously. I don't know that I have a great suggestion that would absolutely resolve this problem. But you might want to tell your bf that since it's all just friendly it makes perfect sense that you accompany him on his meeting with the ex, so that all three of you can get to know each other. There's no way he can justify cultivating a friendship with a woman that excludes you, his girlfriend. I'd be rather up front with him about my doubts -- not accusatory, not paranoid or hostile, but just straightforward. Ask him, what does he see coming out of this? It's perfectly reasonable for you to be skeptical, out of concern for your relationship and also strictly out of concern for him. This woman hurt him terribly -- what's he getting himself into by allowing her even the smallest amount of space in his life?

 

If he's unwilling to allow you to accompany him when he meets this woman, and/or if he's unreasonably defensive and hostile when you voice your misgivings, you've probably got a real mess on your hands. In which case ... you might want to consider breaking up with him until he can get his priorities straight. Exes should never, ever take precedence over current partners.

 

Good luck. I hope that in the intervening years this woman has put on 25 pounds and developed a bad case of acne. If only life were so easy ...

[BeenThere]

Time to let him go, Yuri. You can't live in the shadow of his ex. Seems to me you're the victim of a "rebound." If you can somehow find the strength, its time to say good-bye and let go.

 

Find some inner pride. Don't allow yourself to be second best. You deserve more!

Hi everyone, I've been with my man for about two years. Before me, he was with a GORGEOUS girl who cheated on him and dumped him after 6 months. It took him ages to recover, and eventually he met me. The trouble is, she has recently made contact again and asked to meet him "as friends".

 

He seems a bit too overjoyed at the idea of seeing her again, and I found out last christmas that he had written her a Xmas card with "I think of you every day" on it, but never sent it. He also keeps her drawings and letters around the house and whenever he speaks about her, you'd honestly believe she was a saint. I once cracked a joke about her and he had a right go at me ! He also took me on holidays at the same place he used to take her and bought both of us a green amber ring... I confronted him and asked him if he still feels for her, but he told me she was a thing of the past and that he knew he would never go back with her, "because they were too different". He said nothing about the card_ at the time he wrote it though, we had been together for nearly a year. He says I'm paranoid and that he loves me, but I can't get rid of the doubt that he might somehow still love her and compare her to me. As you can imagine, I've started feeling fairly insecure. What can I do ? I've had nightmares about it for the past 3 nights and I'm truly making myself sick, so please help ! Hugs Yuri xxx PS Excuse my english I'm French !