She Still Doesn't Trust Me

[Guest]

Hello All,

I would like your advice/opinions about this issue. 2 years ago this month, I shared with my wife that I had been unfaithful to her in our marriage. I chose to tell her because I felt as if I was keeping something from her that she had a right to know. Of course she was hurt, but she decided that she wanted to work things out. Naturally, I expected that there would be a period of time that I would have to prove my love to her again, and accept some things that I wouldn't normally have to.

 

Here's the issue. It has been two years now and my wife still does not trust me. She gives me the third degree when I come home if she feels I've been gone too long, she goes through my pockets, she calls other people asking about my whereabouts....etc.

 

So the other day, I just asked her straight out, If she trusted me and her response was "Sometimes I do".

 

Now, I would have been happier to hear "Sometimes she doesn't" instead of the answer she gave.

 

My question is, how much more of this am I obligated to take. I know some will say that I wouldn't be going through it if I hadn't done what I did. I KNOW THAT MUCH. I AM TRULY REMORSEFUL FOR HOW I HURT HER, BUT AGAIN HOW LONG IS THIS TO GO ON.

 

Do we move on with our lives or what? Please help!

[MiMi78]

Hi,

 

As far as you telling her that was a good thing todo you just have to give her time although its been two years . The big thing i that you have to show her that she can trust you it just takes some of us longer to cope with things But i believe that if you give her the love and affection that she needs and just show her that your not going to do it again things will start to change .Because you have to remember that old sayin "once a cheat always a cheat " that has to be playing in the back of her mind either way I think things will work out good I mean she is still with you after she found out any way just show her how much you love her I am sure that it will all be forgiven not forgotten in a matter of time

[Ladyjane14]

If you google the words, "Why Women Leave Men", you'll find an article. You might want to read that article and then ask yourself honestly..."Does my wife live in every room of my house?" If the answer is 'no', I think you'll have discovered part of the problem.

 

But you know, you might be doing EVERYTHING exactly right, and still your wife won't completely trust you. I read something here on LS, (and I wish I could remember who the original poster was), but anyhow...it stuck with me. What they said was that Trust was kind of like a china plate. Once broken, you can glue it back together, and it might look perfect and it might even be serviceable....but it's still and always a broken plate. It can never be whole in the way it once was.

 

Now, I'm not saying that to discourage you from reconciliation. My own marriage is reconciled and in a lot of ways it's better than it ever was, But these days...I hand-wash my 'china plate' because I don't consider it to be dishwasher safe.

 

When you cheated, your wife discovered an aspect of your personality that she probably never knew was there. It's shocking enough to find out that your mate is capable of deceit, but the idea that he's willing to put it into practice is enough to make you feel like he's a complete stranger. It takes time to come to terms with that, and to get to know him again for who he really is. Generally speaking, two years is about the average before a marriage is fully recovered after a case of infidelity. Sometimes it takes longer though.

 

I think it might help you in desensitizing yourself a bit regarding your wife's insecurities if you'll stop viewing them as judgements. It's not strictly fair that her insecurity is her issue, because afterall....YOU caused the insecurity. But life's not always fair.

Her feelings are just that....hers. You can't control them at all. The only thing you can do to help her is to continue to reassure her. You can do that best by including her "in every room of your house", and living your life as an 'open book'.

 

Once you aren't internalizing her feelings and perceiving them as judgements, you'll start seeing more opportunities to give her the reassurance she needs. For example:

She gives me the third degree when I come home if she feels I've been gone too long, she goes through my pockets, she calls other people asking about my whereabouts....etc.

 

This is a PERFECT time to give some extra love and reassurance. Just giving her an opportunity to talk about her feelings with you will help her release her fears. And if you need some incentive, think about it this way....if she didn't care, she wouldn't be afraid.

[RecordProducer]

My question is, how much more of this am I obligated to take.

Instead of asking how to remove the annoying distrust, try to re-earn it.

 

Two years later you still haven't proved to her that you deserve to be trusted. Accept it as a challenge. When we try to see things as our fault - we tend to be in control and actually do something to improve the situation. When we think of it as THEIR fault, we sit and wait for a miracle to happen. And it doesn't happen...

 

Women always need extra attention. I've noticed this with my husband: he can be on his computer and not pay much attention to me on certain days but he does other things that prove how much he loves me, such as being a wonderful father to my children (from a previous marriage) or buy me something expensive because I need it or easily forgive me some s***.

 

So try to be more moment- oriented. She doesn't know how much you love her unless you're showing it on a daily basis with kisses, hugs, attentive looks, and gestures.

 

Talk to her about her distrust and tell her that she can trust you 100% that you will NEVER EVER cheat on her again. That you enormously regret what happened and would never do such a thing again no matter what. Tell her to enjoy your love and trust you, that her trust means a lot to you.

 

Don't threaten her that she will kill your relationship with her jealousy or that she will actually push you into another affair. Just be gentle and sweet and your efforts will be rewarded sooner or later. Give it some time after you try.

[IrishRod]

Instead of asking how to remove the annoying distrust, try to re-earn it.

 

Two years later you still haven't proved to her that you deserve to be trusted. Accept it as a challenge. When we try to see things as our fault - we tend to be in control and actually do something to improve the situation. When we think of it as THEIR fault, we sit and wait for a miracle to happen. And it doesn't happen...

 

Women always need extra attention. I've noticed this with my husband: he can be on his computer and not pay much attention to me on certain days but he does other things that prove how much he loves me, such as being a wonderful father to my children (from a previous marriage) or buy me something expensive because I need it or easily forgive me some s***.

 

So try to be more moment- oriented. She doesn't know how much you love her unless you're showing it on a daily basis with kisses, hugs, attentive looks, and gestures.

 

Talk to her about her distrust and tell her that she can trust you 100% that you will NEVER EVER cheat on her again. That you enormously regret what happened and would never do such a thing again no matter what. Tell her to enjoy your love and trust you, that her trust means a lot to you.

 

Don't threaten her that she will kill your relationship with her jealousy or that she will actually push you into another affair. Just be gentle and sweet and your efforts will be rewarded sooner or later. Give it some time after you try.

 

RecordProducer is right...you need to re-earn her trust. You created the situation you are in by being unfaithful. You should do everything and anything to let her know you love her and that she can trust you.

[sumdude]

Well.....if the tables were turned would you? If you could walk a mile......

 

I guess that's not advice really, but look at it from her point of view. What would you have done if she had cheated on you? I mean really think about it for a week, maybe you'll gain some new insight on ways to fix the situation.

[whichwayisup]

Ask yourself this...Is there anything in your behaviour that could be giving off signals to her that you could be cheating? Her whole trust, and faith in you will never be the same as it once was before you came forward and told her about you cheating. It can take many years for that trust and faith to come back - As long BOTH OF YOU are willing to do work together to fix things.

 

Did you two ever seek marriage counselling in the past?

 

Just be understanding. Listen to her, spend MORE time with her, go away with her, do romantic things together...Make her feel loved and desired by you...

 

With that being said, she also has to get to the point where she isn't always worrying about what you're doing and who you're with...She has to choose to TRUST again and fight the insecurities within her. And I'm sure that's not easy to do - SO again, be patient with her.

 

Can I ask? Are you intouch AT ALL with the OW you had the affair with?

[Pink_Tulip]

I agree 100% with LJ. The cracks will always be there.

 

I went through a time with my husband, and like LJ, aspects of our marriage are better now that we went through it together and all, but HIS behavior changed ME in ways that will never go back. I am a different person now, and I will never, ever, fully trust him, or ANYONE for that matter. My experience with my H taught me that NO ONE is perfect, and when you give yourself 100%, you are a fool. Not saying that is the way to live, just saying that is how I feel after my experiences.

 

Maybe your wife is the same. You may have to accept that the consequences of your behavior are that she is so damaged by your actions, she will never be able to trust you again.

[Guest]

Hello All,

 

This is the original poster of this thread.

 

I honestly feel I've done all that I know how to do to re-gain her trust. There is no contact with the other woman, I've stopped hanging out with friends, for fear that she will think I'm using my friends as a cover up to go cheat again, I've tried to shower her with love and affection by spending uninterupted time with her. I took her to Vegas for a week as a getaway and just poured it on thick. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE THERE IS TO DO.

 

As of recent, my half brother and I begin to really get to know each other, but I even shared with him that I can't hang with him a lot, because of the situation. Is that fair to him?

 

I know and wholeheartedly admit that I created this mess, and Lord knows if I could turn back the hands of time, I most certainly would. I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN BECAUSE OF THE HURT IT HAS CAUSED.

 

I sometimes wonder if there will ever be an end. I hate to sound selfish, but I have totally given up my outside life with friends and family to try to assure her that I'm hers and only hers. I've tried to prove my love, but after two years, I'm beginning to run out of ideas.

 

I don't want our marriage to get to a point where we are only in it for the children and then our children will start to feel that there is no love between their two parents.