I cheated on my hubby, my lover cheat on me

[Zina]

I've been married for 10 years to a responsible, hard working man who suffers from erectile dysfunction. 3 years ago, I started an affair with a married man. Both of us decided that we would never leave our spouses.

 

Last week, my lover broke off with me, claiming that he doesn't want to be unfaithful anymore. I agreed as I was also beginning to feel guilty about cheating my hubby.

 

Luck would have it, I was at his office yesterday and chanced upon his emails. He had been two timing me for over a year with a 23 y.o. gal! (I had suspected something for a year but he had always denied it). Judging by the way the emails were phrase,it seemed that he was more INTO her than he was INTO me. I realised then, that he had broken off with me so as to have more time with his new lover.

 

He did not know that I read his emails and our break up was amicable. I felt hurt and angry, and I couldn't believe how stupid I had been for the last 3 years.

 

QUESTION:I want to inform his wife about his affair by (a)either getting a neutral person to inform his wife or (b)writing an anonymous letter to her, giving details of their rendevous. Am I doing the right thing? Pls help!

[whichwayisup]

QUESTION:I want to inform his wife about his affair by (a)either getting a neutral person to inform his wife or (b)writing an anonymous letter to her, giving details of their rendevous. Am I doing the right thing? Pls help!

Huh? You're upset and hurt because your lover cheated on you with someone else......And now, out of spite you want to f*** up his wife's life by telling her to make HIS life miserable??? If that happens, I hope his wife calls YOUR husband and tells HIM that you've been sleeping with HER husband as well.

 

This is NOT the right thing to do. If you do this, be prepared for the consquences of your actions ... You dish it out, be bloody prepared to take it when it comes back your way.

 

I feel sorry for your husband.

[Sami_D]

Hello Zina. There was a thread recently on this forum about telling the wife, pros and cons, etc. You might like to check it out:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t87214/

[zarathustra]

I've been married for 10 years to a responsible, hard working man who suffers from erectile dysfunction. 3 years ago, I started an affair with a married man. Both of us decided that we would never leave our spouses.

 

Last week, my lover broke off with me, claiming that he doesn't want to be unfaithful anymore. I agreed as I was also beginning to feel guilty about cheating my hubby.

 

Luck would have it, I was at his office yesterday and chanced upon his emails. He had been two timing me for over a year with a 23 y.o. gal! (I had suspected something for a year but he had always denied it). Judging by the way the emails were phrase,it seemed that he was more INTO her than he was INTO me. I realised then, that he had broken off with me so as to have more time with his new lover.

 

He did not know that I read his emails and our break up was amicable. I felt hurt and angry, and I couldn't believe how stupid I had been for the last 3 years.

 

QUESTION:I want to inform his wife about his affair by (a)either getting a neutral person to inform his wife or (b)writing an anonymous letter to her, giving details of their rendevous. Am I doing the right thing? Pls help!

 

I don't think that it is your responsibility to deliver the news. Why should you be the bearer of bad news? Yes, the man hurt you, but really how would you really feel about it after the dust settles? to know that you told someone something that would crush her world?

 

Give yourself some time to heal. Give yourself time to think. Then do what is best for you to get over this person.

 

I'd like to add that you should stick around and read about how the rest of us are dealing. I hope that by reading our stories, you can heal from this pain quicker.

[RealityCheck]

Zara is 100% correct!

 

The MM crushed your world, his wife did not crush yours!

 

Don't even think about getting back at him through his wife! That is a horrible thought. If anything, tell the OW he has been having a party with while he has been with you!

[2sunny]

I've been married for 10 years to a responsible, hard working man who suffers from erectile dysfunction. 3 years ago, I started an affair with a married man. Both of us decided that we would never leave our spouses.

 

Last week, my lover broke off with me, claiming that he doesn't want to be unfaithful anymore. I agreed as I was also beginning to feel guilty about cheating my hubby.

 

[/b]Luck would have it, I was at his office yesterday and chanced upon his emails. He had been two timing me for over a year with a 23 y.o. gal! (I had suspected something for a year but he had always denied it). Judging by the way the emails were phrase,it seemed that he was more INTO her than he was INTO me. I realised then, that he had broken off with me so as to have more time with his new lover.

 

He did not know that I read his emails and our break up was amicable. I felt hurt and angry, and I couldn't believe how stupid I had been for the last 3 years.

 

QUESTION:I want to inform his wife about his affair by (a)either getting a neutral person to inform his wife or (b)writing an anonymous letter to her, giving details of their rendevous. Am I doing the right thing? Pls help!

 

 

Nobody just "happens" to be in another person's office and stumbles upon their e-mail... give me a rip roaring break!!!! YOU were snooping!

 

To be so vengeful just because you are hurt does not make what you have done right.

 

This post is absurd! Leave his wife alone! Move forward and try to be kind to your husband; get your priorities straight! Jeeeez!

[Zina]

Thanks y'all. I need to add:

My hubby travel extensively for his work and we prob see each other 3 out of 12 months. During the last 3 years, I had always encouraged MM to be nicer to his W (she's having pre-menopause) and kids. In return, he showers me with the stuffs girls like - praises, gifts, good sex- in short, I feel like a living beautiful person This may sound weird, but I was thinking that if he ever break off with me, it would be to be faithful to his w.

 

From the emails, I discovered that this new lover of his is a close friend of him and his w! She's the kid's tutor!

 

My reason for nforming the wife would be to:tell her to be careful, gather evidence, and prob ensure that MM would stop all affairs, once and for all.

[BUTAFLY]

I struggled with a similiar delimma ( I didn't know of his marital status). I spotted the wife in a mall one day and was approaching her with every intent on telling her about her husbands extra marital activities, but once I saw the neive look in her eyes up close, I realized I was about to destroy her world. I couldn't do it. I decided to leave it to Karma. Till this day i don't know if that was right choice.

[RealityCheck]

Zina,

 

I will say this AGAIN!!!

 

Your MM cheated and hurt you! Not his wife!

 

I don't care if you discovered it was the W's sister! It does not matter who! You were the "Who" at one time!

 

Leave her world alone! If she is in menopause, that could make it worse and send her into depression!

 

Leave her out of it!

[whichwayisup]

That's still no excuse to cheat, if you're unhappy in your marriage and unhappy with your husband travelling for work so much, make a compromise and go to marriage counselling! Make the best out of what you have - Don't go looking for other men to give you attention while your husband is off working. What if he was having an affair on YOU while he was away? Have you thought of that???

From the emails, I discovered that this new lover of his is a close friend of him and his w! She's the kid's tutor!

 

You invaded HIS privacy by looking at his emails...Still not enough reason to ruin his wife. And, your MM isn't such hots*** as you'd like to think - He probably has been lying to you, just as he has lied to his wife...Why would you think you're any different? Because he told you he loved you? Go read the other threads in this section...Same lines, different MM, same affect on the OW...

 

My reason for nforming the wife would be to:tell her to be careful, gather evidence, and prob ensure that MM would stop all affairs, once and for all.

 

No, you're hoping he'll bust up his marriage and go for you, only.

 

And, you cannot control whether or not the MM chooses to have affairs. That is up to him to decide to stop.

 

Don't involve yourself in their PRIVATE life, it isn't any of your business. Concentrate on yourself and your marriage - Try focussing all that energy into your husband.

[Yamaha]

Huh? You're upset and hurt because your lover cheated on you with someone else......And now, out of spite you want to f*** up his wife's life by telling her to make HIS life miserable??? If that happens, I hope his wife calls YOUR husband and tells HIM that you've been sleeping with HER husband as well.

 

This is NOT the right thing to do. If you do this, be prepared for the consquences of your actions ... You dish it out, be bloody prepared to take it when it comes back your way.

 

I feel sorry for your husband.

 

WORD........ Good post WW.

[zarathustra]

Thanks y'all. I need to add:

My hubby travel extensively for his work and we prob see each other 3 out of 12 months. During the last 3 years, I had always encouraged MM to be nicer to his W (she's having pre-menopause) and kids. In return, he showers me with the stuffs girls like - praises, gifts, good sex- in short, I feel like a living beautiful person This may sound weird, but I was thinking that if he ever break off with me, it would be to be faithful to his w.

 

From the emails, I discovered that this new lover of his is a close friend of him and his w! She's the kid's tutor!

 

My reason for nforming the wife would be to:tell her to be careful, gather evidence, and prob ensure that MM would stop all affairs, once and for all.

Zina,

 

It is not your responsibility to tell her what to do with her life and marriage. It doesn't matter why he broke it off with you. The fact is you and he are no longer. When he broke it off, he chose NOT to have you in his life again. It may have been an amicable split, but you are no longer friends with this person and you have no business in his life. He chose not to have you in it. That is what's called a b-r-e-a-k-u-p. OK? So you go your way and he goes his. What he does is his business. Your only business is to take care of yourself... to do that, take yourself to your family doctor, tell him/her what happened and have your doctor check you out for STDs and HIV.

 

I think its really unfortunate that you feel vengeful in all of this and you are really 'hiding' behind a really poor facade of 'compassion' which you clearly lack.

[silentjuliet]

I've been married for 10 years to a responsible, hard working man who suffers from erectile dysfunction. 3 years ago, I started an affair with a married man. Both of us decided that we would never leave our spouses.

 

Last week, my lover broke off with me, claiming that he doesn't want to be unfaithful anymore. I agreed as I was also beginning to feel guilty about cheating my hubby.

 

Luck would have it, I was at his office yesterday and chanced upon his emails. He had been two timing me for over a year with a 23 y.o. gal! (I had suspected something for a year but he had always denied it). Judging by the way the emails were phrase,it seemed that he was more INTO her than he was INTO me. I realised then, that he had broken off with me so as to have more time with his new lover.

 

He did not know that I read his emails and our break up was amicable. I felt hurt and angry, and I couldn't believe how stupid I had been for the last 3 years.

 

QUESTION:I want to inform his wife about his affair by (a)either getting a neutral person to inform his wife or (b)writing an anonymous letter to her, giving details of their rendevous. Am I doing the right thing? Pls help!

 

 

 

I can't imagine how the man has the time and the skills to two time his lover and his wife at the same time. To cheat with one woman I can see how a wife could still possibly not realize it's happening. But two and by the looks of it three or maybe four at some points...the wife must already suspect and does nothing about it or deals with it...

 

So, I wouldn't say anything to the wife. Let her find out on her own because if you tell her then it could send her over the edge. You could inform her at the worst point in her life...a day that she's especially hurting over things. If she's going to find out she needs to on her own or by a close friend or ideally by her husband confessing (doubt that would happen).

 

Just be glad you are rid of him now! I work with a woman who is seeing a MM and he in turn has two other lovers on the side! And she SHARES him with both of them and she told his wife about his activity and his wife told her to not call her again. She said the wife sounded like she could care less.

 

You just never know! Whew!

[THX2000]

I've been married for 10 years to a responsible, hard working man who suffers from erectile dysfunction. 3 years ago, I started an affair with a married man. Both of us decided that we would never leave our spouses.

 

Last week, my lover broke off with me, claiming that he doesn't want to be unfaithful anymore. I agreed as I was also beginning to feel guilty about cheating my hubby.

 

Luck would have it, I was at his office yesterday and chanced upon his emails. He had been two timing me for over a year with a 23 y.o. gal! (I had suspected something for a year but he had always denied it). Judging by the way the emails were phrase,it seemed that he was more INTO her than he was INTO me. I realised then, that he had broken off with me so as to have more time with his new lover.

 

He did not know that I read his emails and our break up was amicable. I felt hurt and angry, and I couldn't believe how stupid I had been for the last 3 years.

 

QUESTION:I want to inform his wife about his affair by (a)either getting a neutral person to inform his wife or (b)writing an anonymous letter to her, giving details of their rendevous. Am I doing the right thing? Pls help!

 

Are you meaning to tell me that this awesome guy that you screwed around on your husband with and he cheated on his wife to be with you is..........an a**h***? That's just scandalous!

 

How is it possible that so many OW can actually believe that these morons are good people when they betray the person they promised to love and be with for life?

 

Furthermore, who the hell are you to judge this guy there kettle? In case you didn't know - you're black. Leave the guy to his new whore and move on with your life.

[MrsHellFire]

Excuse me? Let me see if I heard correctly. You think it's alright for his wife to find out about the affair, but NOT your husband. You've been two timing your husband as well. You are a hypocrite.

 

 

You start your post off as using an excuse for yourself and kind of insinuating that your affair is JUST about sex when you said "my husband has erectile dysfunction". But you obviously are emotionally involved with this OM.

 

He two timed you... and?

What kind of honesty did you expect from a man WHO CHEATS ON HIS WIFE????

GET A CLUE GIRL!

 

STOP USING EXCUSES FOR WHY YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR HUSBAND AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY! If you should tell anyone about the affair, your husband should be first on the list.

 

HE, yes, not you, but HE does NOT deserve a two-timer just because he's having problems with sex. Instead of talking about it or finding medication for that, you go ahead and cheat. You have it coming!

[Zina]

OK I get it. I'm the bitch here.

Let me ask y'all another question:-

 

IF you see your bestfriend's/ sisters H having an affair (not one night stands), would you tell them or just keep quiet?

[Zina]

Thanks for telling me as it is. I need a real slap on my face to wake me up.

I kept thinking that his is a scumbag to this face of the earth. BUT so am I. However, when we broke off, I really wanted to turn over a new leaf and do a big pay back to my H, like being a total 'surrendered wife'.

 

However, the MM/scumbag would be breaking every young gals heart if he gets away everytime.

[movinon05]

You can't protect the world from this MM. He's not the first and he won't be the last to cheat on his W once or twice or 10 times.

 

For all you know, given your situation with your H away so much, you might start feeling lonely again despite your efforts to become "a surrendering wife", and seek out someone else.

 

Stop obsessing about him and devote yourself to your H. As everyone else said, would you want your H to find out? It could easily happen if you open a can of worms like this.

 

Revenge is not always so sweet. You need to work on YOU, not "saving the world" from him just because you got screwed.

[Jessie61]

OK I get it. I'm the bitch here.

Let me ask y'all another question:-

 

IF you see your bestfriend's/ sisters H having an affair (not one night stands), would you tell them or just keep quiet?

 

Zina,

 

Come on..... Even you know that this questions is completely beside the point! Your exMM's W is not your best friend, nor your sister. The only reason why you would tell her is out of spite.

 

Why don't you do something much more dignified? Forget about your exMM, he's a creep and move on with your life. Concentrate on your husband instead.

 

Like Movinon said, you cannot "protect the world" from this creep.

 

I'd say you'd feel much better if you just let go of this, learn from it and move on....

[whichwayisup]

OK I get it. I'm the bitch here.

Let me ask y'all another question:-

 

IF you see your bestfriend's/ sisters H having an affair (not one night stands), would you tell them or just keep quiet?

 

You're not a bitch Zina, you just have your priorities mixed up and your attention is with the wrong man. You're not thinking clearly at all. Until you're able to take a HUGE step back from this situation and see the whole picture from where we all see it, you won't understand. You're too attached and caught up in all the bulls*** right now.

 

The issue isn't about your bestfriend or sister right now so I'm not answering that question. If you're asking that question because you're going to apply the answer in having justification to tell your MM's wife about you and his other affairs, that's another reason for me NOT to answer your question.

 

Thanks for telling me as it is. I need a real slap on my face to wake me up.

I kept thinking that his is a scumbag to this face of the earth. BUT so am I. However, when we broke off, I really wanted to turn over a new leaf and do a big pay back to my H, like being a total 'surrendered wife'.

 

You DO need to wake up! Words on a screen here can open your eyes, but YOU have to do all that is necessary to 'see' things more clearly.

 

I highlighted in bold your quote as I am not understanding what you actually mean by that. Do you mean surrender as in 'I'm yours again, take me forever' without your hubby actually knowing that you've been with another man? Or you planning on telling him everything and allowing HIM to make the choice if the marriage is fixable and he should forgive you?

 

However, the MM/scumbag would be breaking every young gals heart if he gets away everytime.

 

Yeah, so what? So the MM is a scumbag. Big f**k'n deal. That's his problem, not yours. Work on bettering and fixing yourself. You can't control what MM does, you can only control yourself. If he breaks other women's hearts let them deal with it. Maybe they'll see through his bulls***, maybe not. But it isn't your business anymore what the MM does. You have to get to the point in your mind and heart that it doesn't matter what he does - PERIOD! Know why? Because the more you think and involve yourself in his life, what he does/thinks/says is taking time away from getting over him, fixing yourself and your marriage. It is not your life, it's his. Let him make his bad choices in life - You look after your life and fix what is broken.

 

GO to marriage counselling and re-learn how to love your husband again. Yeah I bet it sucks that he is ED, but learn to live with it and make the best of the situation. Just because he has ED doesn't mean he can't perform in bed. He has fingers and a tongue. He has use of his hands, you two can introduce toys into your sex life too.

 

You have to try to forget the MM and put your husband first.

[zarathustra]

Thanks for telling me as it is. I need a real slap on my face to wake me up.

I kept thinking that his is a scumbag to this face of the earth. BUT so am I. However, when we broke off, I really wanted to turn over a new leaf and do a big pay back to my H, like being a total 'surrendered wife'.

 

However, the MM/scumbag would be breaking every young gals heart if he gets away everytime.

Do you need a super hero costume for that? are you going to get rid of one evil MM at a time? You're killin' me here.

 

Get over yourself.

 

Look, I don't want to sound discompassionate, but you're really making it hard being all self righteous and everything. If you want to share with us your pain, you will get the support you need. If you want to share with us how you intend to get over 'scumbag' sure, we'll give you our support. If you're looking for a cheering squad to validate your intentions of spilling the beans on your scumbag and tell you that you're doing the right thing, I"m sorry to say, you've gone to the wrong place. You want to be a good wife to your H, go and be a good wife to him by minding your own Ps and Qs and staying away from your ex-scumbag.

[RealityCheck]

Zara....

 

I do believe Zina does require a "Fat Headed Costume" so we can burst all that hot air between her ears!

 

WTF Zina....grow up!

[zarathustra]

Zara....

 

I do believe Zina does require a "Fat Headed Costume" so we can burst all that hot air between her ears!

 

WTF Zina....grow up!

 

lol... *snort*.

[RealityCheck]

Zara..... *snort* (I do that too!!)

 

Missing you girl!

 

*Big Hug*

[zarathustra]

Zara..... *snort* (I do that too!!)

 

Missing you girl!

 

*Big Hug*

Miss you too, dolly!

 

I'll be away for over a week!! can you believe it? AHHHHHHHHHHHH!