stay or go

[MiMi78]

Hi Me and my Husband have been together for 10 years now . When we first met we were just friends . I was seeing someone else and he left me after i got preg. with my oldest child after i had my son me and my now husband started dateing i could not have asked for a better person to be with than him . I thought that i had found the love of my life he loved me and loved my son as his own even though hewasnt his we had been dateing for 4 months when i found out that iwas preg. So we thought that the best thing to do at the time was to get married . We got married 6 months to the day that we started dateing . Things were a little rough to start with but what new marriage isnt right ? Any way things were going along good the past years up untill a year ago then everything started changeing . He was working later and later not wanting to spend time with me or act like he even wanted to be around me for that matter . He always leaves me at home alone withthe kids he doesnt want me to get a job bc he wants me here at home I get up at 5 30 am every morning to cook his breakfast lay his clothes out for work pack his lunch and then get our kids off to school . His supper is waitting on him when he comes home at night i run his bath water for him I do everything for him and i dont even get a thank you anymore He tells me that there is no one else in his life and i truely dontthink that he would cheat on me . We love each other so much . Its just that I am not surethat I am in love with him anymore . I want to end the marriage because i feel that i am not wanted anymore i have tried so many times to talk to him about it and he just will not open up to me other than saying that he really does love me I give up everything for hime bc he doesnt like me going out or even shopping hes the jelous type . this is prob confuseing to you and i am sorry i just dont know what else to do should I just stay and continue being his slave or should i just walk away butthe thing of walking a way is that i am not finan. stable to take care of the kids by my self bc He will not let me get a job and he told me that if i was to ever leave he would take the kids from me and i would never see them again so i just dont know what to do any advice would help so so much

[MiMi78]

It has been a week since I have posted on here and still no reply could some one please help with any advice at all ???

[whichwayisup]

That's really sad...It seems you both jumped in, and didn't know eachother that well and then the family came your way so you two got married.

 

Is it possible he'll go to marriage counselling with you? Just to give things one last shot, give it all you got to see if the marriage will workout. If it doesn't, atleast you'll know you tried your best. Just sad because of the kids.

 

Have you thought about going to see someone one on one? It could help you cope about the choices you may have to make sooner or later.

 

Does your husband know how you feel? Neglected by him, unloved?

 

Don't let him threaten to take the kids from you either. You are home more then he is, so he can't throw it in your face and say things like that.

[Ladyjane14]

You might start by reading a copy of The Five Love Languages by Chapman. That'll get you thinking about not only your husband's ENs emotional needs in the marriage...but also about your own. Of course, it's a good thing to take care of your partner's ENs, but I suspect the reason that you're having a hard time accessing your feelings for your husband is that YOUR needs are not being met.

 

There's a couple of things you can do about that. The first of which is determining ENs and then educating your husband. Ask him if he'll read the book with you. You might also google the words "why women leave men" and read the article you find.

 

Now, meeting ENs within the relationship is important. But that's just as it applies directly to the relationship. The marriage alone can't make you happy.

You also have a responsibility to yourself in fulfilling your personal goals. So...if you aren't living up to your own expectations, maybe you'll give some thought to how you're going to start. You might go back to school, take a part-time job, open up your own business, write some poetry, or whatever it is that you need to do in order to NOT feel like you're giving up on your dreams.

 

You said your husband doesn't want you to work. But the bottom line is that it's YOUR life, not his. If you want a job....get one. Your husband needs to understand that when he imposes his will over YOUR life, he's painting a big bullseye on his forehead and giving you a target for your resentments and frustrations. Your resentment of his control is actually a bigger danger to the marriage than whatever inconvenience a job might cause within the family dynamic.

 

So, you can try to negotiate until he understands that avoiding resentment will protect the relationship, but if he fails to grasp the concept, you might think about going ahead and doing whatever it is you need to do anyway.

[Lennox]

I hate people that have such a low character that they would stoop to using children as pawns like your husbands says he's going to. Don't let him fool you, you have the advantage when it comes to custody issues...especially since you were the one staying home taking care of the kids all this time. You have the advantage in regards to alimony issues too. You are holding a full house and he's trying to convince you that you're holding an ace-high hand.

 

No one can hold you hostage from getting a job. You are going to have to plan your escape carefully. Make a checklist of things to do/look into and quietly get started on them. I can think of a few off the top of my head:

 

1. What happened with the father of your oldest child? Does he pay child support? If not, you need to look into that and get child support ordered. You can also get retroactive child support payments from the time your child was born if he hasn't paid anything yet.

 

2. Talk to an attorney as soon as you are able. Borrow the money from friends and family if you have to. He's probably attempted to cut off any support system you have and your friends and family will be relieved to see that you are finally seeing the light and asserting yourself. His threats of "taking the children and you never seeing them again" should be taken seriously and you need to protect your rights and theirs ASAP. Find out if your husband could be liable for child support payments for the oldest child even though he's not the biological father. Some states will hold a parent responisible if that person stepped into the parental role voluntarily, even though the child biologically isn't his.

 

3. Get training for a good paying job while you're living there if you can't get a job that pays well.

 

4. Try to gather support from friends and family in the form of child care so you can go to work or school.

 

Now, hopefully as you are doing these things, maybe you two can work things out. But if it doesn't work, at least you would have prepared yourself and your children for survival.

[slinkysu]

you need to start valuing yourself a little more. I'm not sure which books to recommend but there are some great people on this site who i am sure can assist on that front.

 

lesson 1. NOBODY CONTROLS YOU BUT YOU!

 

You're husband can tell you what to do until he is blue in the face but YOU HAVE THE CHOICE to listen or to do what you wish for you.

 

YOU ARE NOT A SLAVE

 

Lesson 2: If you want a job - get one! If nothing else it will encourage you to meet new people and to interact with others. Plus the financial freedom that even a part time job will bring will give you an extra boost to your confidance

 

Lesson 3: If you're husband can work, he can damn well dress himself!

 

And your husband can't take the kids away from you - it's emotionally abusive to even suggest such a thing. How does he think he would manage raising two children, one that isn't even his, when he can't even sort his own wardrobe out in the morning?

 

It sounds like he got too used to being looked after and is a control freak. As long as you don't suspect him to be violent, then stand up to him. (if he is violent then leave - leave now!) Be strong. you are master of your own destiny and you have the choice within in you always to do what is right for you and your family.

 

And as for not allowing you to go shopping - you're an adult - you can do what you like. If he won't give you money, get yourself a job.

 

Good luck

[MiMi78]

First of all I would like to thank you for all of the input that you have given to me as far as the counciling he refused to go bc he says that there is nothing wrong for us to be going My oldest childs dad walked out of the picture when i was still preg, with and has had nothing to do with him he signed all rights over to him and my husband adopted him I my self have started going to see a counc. 2times a week and it seems to be hlping but he doesnt like the idea of me going said that people are going to think that something is wrong with me I got the book and have attempted to start reading it he wont though . He seems to have gotten more controling this past week then he has been He keeps telling me that hes going to change and for me to please not leave him but i have waited for years now for him to change and e hasnt I really want to leave but I dont want to put my kids through the hurt and pain like i had to go through at such a young age SOO I really guess wheen it comes down to it it is really all up to me do I leave and do what I need to do or stay for my kids bc they are the ones that are going to be hurt the most

[Lennox]

Your husband adopted him, therefore he's financially responsible for him just as he is for the other children.

 

He doesn't think there's a problem because he's perfectly comfortable with things just the way they are...with him in complete control and you the slave. Not only can you get child support, but you might be able to get spousal support as well since you have stayed home and not worked.

 

You need to get advice from an attorney if he refuses to go to counseling. He's not going to change unless you force him to either make a change, or pay up with support for you and the kids. Sometimes, you have to hit the guy where it really counts, in his wallet, to force him to get the help he needs.

 

As far as what's best for the kids, do you really think it's in their best interest to see mommy living as a slave everyday? Do you want your sons to grow up and treat their wives like that? I don't know if you have daughters, but do you want them to grow up thinking that being a slave is ok and find husbands who will treat them like good ole dad? If it's your kid's welfare that you're thinking of, you need to get him off his azz and get to counseling, or start the divorce proceedings so he is forced to get the help he desperately needs.