I don't want a divorce

[Lucky4U]

My husband moved out while I was at work, called me later to say I would be recieving papers for divorce. It wasn't a complete suprise, but it still hurt. I tried forever to talk to him about problems,he refused to listen or discuss any issues. He refused any affection that I tried to give or ask for. I've been completely ignored for 3 yrs now, forced to sleep on the couch and barely any conversation between us. I work and travel alot on business so I learned to stay away longer and longer. This is not what I wanted in a marriage, I only wanted his attention and love. And he couldn't give me that. I learned to just stay out of his way. But in doing so, I 'm now facing a divorce.

The hardest part is admitting that he really didn't love me or even care about me. Its really hard, I feel unworthy, abandoned, ugly and alone.

[dgiirl]

Oh hun, I can empathize completely. I was you a year ago. My ex just walked out, never once trying to save the marriage. I was completely blindsighted and devastated. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to focus on you. I would even suggest going to therapy. It helped me a lot to start building back my self confidence. You're best chance at saving your marriage and/or getting over it is to build back your self confidence. You have to look attractive to your spouse and you cant do that when you are depressed and grieving, so your main job right now is to focus on you and start finding yourself again. Start doing things that bring you joy, even if it's just for a little bit.

[Lucky4U]

Yes, I know I've had a rough month.But I've been back to the gym (I'm in pretty good shape) and now that this rain has stopped, and the sun is shining, I am feeling a bit better. I only get in low moods when I think of the things he has said that truly hurt me to the core. Which is why I would distance myself; I don't look "like s***" and I'm not "fat". I'm actually a very attractive woman with a great body for 44 and have had men (usually younger; whats up with that?) hitting on me. But those advances would get me down. Why do these other men find me so sexy and "hot" when my husband won't even allow me to sleep in the same bed as him? Never mind a simple hug or even a general conversation. I'll admit, he is an alchoholic which is obviously the requisit for his nastiness.

[dgiirl]

Why do these other men find me so sexy and "hot" when my husband won't even allow me to sleep in the same bed as him? Never mind a simple hug or even a general conversation. I'll admit, he is an alchoholic which is obviously the requisit for his nastiness.

 

Because he's selfish. I lived with my ex for 8 years, and there was absolutely NO affection. He told me right from the beginning that he cannot be affectionate unless we were intimate. He rarely complimented me on my looks, never told me how attractive i was, rarely initiated any kissing or hugging. He rarely spent any personal alone time with me, then expected me to just want to have sex with him whenever he wanted. I'm sorry, but I need to feel accepted and appreciated. I need that close emotional bond to be able to just have sex on the fly. My ex made me feel selfish, demanding, and it took me almost a year to realize it was the opposite. He said some unbelievably cruel things, things that really did hurt my core too. He never once tried to fix this marriage. He never even told me there was a problem. And I would ask him, only to be reassured everything was fine. Then he meets someone, and comes home on valentines day a year ago and says he wants a divorce. Totally out of the blue. And he left the next day. What you have to realize tho, and I have a hard time with this, there's nothing wrong with you. These are HIS issues, not yours.

[Lucky4U]

Yes, you hit it on the nose. He is selfish. I could never figure out how he could walk right by me while I slept on the couch and not care or even have any feeling that it was wrong. Nothing, no emotion, I mean not even one glib of sentiment. This would be even after I cooked a great dinner, did his laundry, and cleaned the bedroom (that I didn't sleep in). I really learned to stay away. It was too painful to be rejected everyday.

I'm starting to see things differently, I say that I "don't" want a divorce, because it is really hard to comprehend that he still doesn't care. And why did I marry someone who can leave me (emotionally at first) like a stray dog, dumped on the side of the road, and simply drive away?

[gypsygal44]

Lucky4U,

 

I am feeling a lot like you are. My ExH, yes Ex, told me he wanted a divorce right out of the blue about 2 months after my Dad passed on. That is bad timing to the core. So I had 2 deaths to deal with within a short amount of time. Needless to say I lost it for a while, had to take some meds. Doing better now.

 

We were seperated for over a year while we fought over child custody (his way to hurt me) and spousal support. After 20 yrs. by law he had to give me something. So after all that, I end up with practically nothing. I am livng right now rent free in my mom's house and have no oil for heat or hot water. Does he care that his son is living this way. No.

 

I, too, feel rejected, ugly, fat, undesirable and unloved. No one is hitting on me. I have a friend who is over 290 lbs. and has found love again. I am no where near that big but she is so happy and flirtatious (sp) that everyone who meets her loves her. Friends tell me that I need to put myself out there and flirt. I was married for over 20 yrs. God, I don't remember how to flirt!! lol

 

I am also a nervous eater. I am trying to stop that. Get back in shape for me. I have diabetes. Not so much to get a man but to stay alive. My son is important to me.

 

Do you have any children?

 

I hope you really listen to dgiirl. She has been giving me some great advice. It is sometimes hard to take it and really work at it but I am going to try. I hope you feel better. I do, just knowing I am not the only one with a selfish, unfeeling, bugger of an ExH. See there is the anger coming out. Gee, by now I should have gotten rid of most of it. But it surprises me sometimes. Good Luck saving your marriage, if that is what you want.

 

Gypsy

[Curmudgeon]

It sounds to me as if both of you feel unattractive, undesireable and maybe even somewhat defective right now given what both of you have been through and recently at that.

 

Please don't feel that way. What your husbands have done and are doing says everything about them and nothing about either of you. The fact that you both care so much shows the good person inside. She just needs some help to come to the outside and really start believing in her own worth.

 

When the ex left me after 25 years I felt much the same way as well as old and unattractive. I started concentrating on ways to make be better, improve myself and get on with my life. In the process, a sometimes very painful one, I began to realize that while I certainly had my flaws, I also had a lot of good qualities and the demise of my marriage wasn't all my fault at all. In time I also came to know that in an unfortunate and painful way, it was actually probably the best thing that had happened to me in years.

 

There IS life after divorce and you can make it wonderful and fulfilling, as well as filled with love and happiness. It took about two years but I rediscovered my capacity for joy, found a true love and now, 12 years since the divorce, am happier and more content than I ever was while married before.

 

Never lose hope of give up the faith. It's all out there for you, both of you.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

My husband moved out while I was at work, called me later to say I would be recieving papers for divorce. It wasn't a complete suprise, but it still hurt. I tried forever to talk to him about problems,he refused to listen or discuss any issues. He refused any affection that I tried to give or ask for. I've been completely ignored for 3 yrs now, forced to sleep on the couch and barely any conversation between us. I work and travel alot on business so I learned to stay away longer and longer. This is not what I wanted in a marriage, I only wanted his attention and love. And he couldn't give me that. I learned to just stay out of his way. But in doing so, I 'm now facing a divorce.

The hardest part is admitting that he really didn't love me or even care about me. Its really hard, I feel unworthy, abandoned, ugly and alone.

 

 

It sounds like your H treated you like a house mate more than a wife! I mean, why do you have to sleep on the couch for 3 years??? Couldn't you have gotten a separate bedroom and bed???

 

This divorce could be a blessing in disguise. He sounds like a callous and selfish man. Why would you want to live like this for another day?

[Lucky4U]

Thank you everyone for showing me the simplest kindness by reading my posts, sharing your experiences and giving me LOTS of encouragement.

I have taken your advice and put them into action. I have a counseling appointment next week ( I obviously need it). I will continue doing the things that make me feel better (going to the gym and going for long walks). I downloaded a motivational book to my iPod (audiblebooks.com) which I listen to when I'm feeling stressed or sad (extremely helpful)

 

Let me answer some of your questions: My daughters are grown 22 & 28 (I started YOUNG). Why did I sleep on the couch? The other 2 bedrooms were taken (1 with my daughter, the other my granddaughter). The couch was/is comfortable and I would fall asleep with the TV on. I'm now in the bedroom in my/our bed and its weird! I've been divorced before and said I'd never do it again. But here I am.... at it again!

[RecordProducer]

Lucky4U, I feel for you. Many of us have been there and felt exactly like you. But the good news is: the pain goes away.

 

Right now you've been punched between your eyes and can't get up. The ground is shaking under your feet and you feel like you don't want to live, you can't go on, and you will never be happy again. But you will be. You'll actually feel better off without him in a year or two. It's not like you've had a wonderful marriage and then he fell in love with a younger woman. He has ignored you and probably felt ignored himself. For how long have you been married?

 

Take one step at a time. First of all, don't beg him for love or try to persuade him to give it another try. It won't work. Your goal right now is to pamper yourself, breathe, and save your dignity.

 

SO many people have found their true soul mates later in their lives. My husband's cousin married her second husband at age 48. He was 58 and that was his first marriage. They are very happy together. It's NEVER TOO LATE for love. Remember that and keep the faith. You will love again and be loved. Don't look back! Sail on!

[Lucky4U]

Yes, I am taking one step at a time and trying not to beat myself up for what I didn't do or did do. This wasn't a long marriage (almost 5 yrs), but I did everything I could to show him I loved him. I did small nice things on a daily basis or when I returned home from extended business trips. I always bought anniversary, birthday, and Christmas presents for him even though I never recieved a thing after our 1st yr. anniversary. I was a fool. I even put him on the deed to my house (3yrs ago for his birthday).

I question why I chose to marry. I question why I allowed this to go on for so long and why I still hung in there and why I'm the one feeling so badly. I haven't talked to him since he called and told me I would be getting divorce papers. I tried calling, he won't answer his phone. I suppose I wanted at least something face to face, but I'll never get that.

So, it is one step at a time. Thank you for listening.