Need Advice Urgently About A Jerk Boyfriend!!!

[Lyndsay]

I have been having a lot of issues with my boyfriend lately. We have been going out for almost two years and during the past month he has started acting like a complete jerk. Not at all like he used to be.

 

About a month ago I tried to wake him up and he ended up giving me a raging attitude about it and eventually as we started fighting he threatened to punch me in the face, twice. He had never been physically abusive at all before.

 

It was shocking. I forgave him a few days later only because I knew that this was a first for him.

 

Well, it is now a month later and he his attitude has become terrible. He blames his mood on his working the late shift at work and not getting enough sleep. But I find that hard to believe because he is NEVER in a good mood.

 

I have asked him if he would be upset if I ended the relationship (because he certainly isn't giving me any indication he wants it to continue) and he gets very upset and say No. But he gives me no respect and when I try to talk to him he is very non-communicative.

 

For instance, he was staying at my house for a few days and when I came home from work I greeted him and he totally ignored me. I walked over to where he was sitting at the computer and started talking about my day and he barely acknowledged me. Finally I pleaded with him to atleast say something to me and he was just like "WHAT??" I asked him to just talk to me for a few minutes and he still ignored me. Finally when I got really upset, he said "What do you expect your feet to be kissed when you come home?"

 

I couldn't believe he could be so rude.

 

At times he has been so ignorant and uncaring that I have broken down crying. This has happened twice and both times he ignored me and went to sleep.

 

One time after he had badly upset me and I had been crying, he put his arm around me and consoled me but then ten minutes later he asked me if I would be upset if he touched me without my knowing it while I slept. I was so disgusted...

 

The day after one of these episodes he slept all day long and then until 11 at night. When he woke up he just layed in bed refusing to acknowledge I was even there as I came in and out of the room. Finally I had to ask him to watch a movie with me. He then refused to eat the dinner I made, saying he wasn't hungry (after not eating all day).

 

I made him a huge breakfast one morning last week. I asked him if he wanted to make the pancakes and he said he did. Halfway through pouring the mix on to the griddle, he threw the flipper across the room, hit the frying pan and screamed "I can't f####ing do this s@@t!" Then he stormed away for an hour. When breakfast was all done I walked over and told him. He said "I'm not hungry" and refused to eat.

 

I am totally confused because I refuse to believe his excuses as to why he is acting like this. He says he doesn't want to end the relationship and I wonder why. He treats me like crap. He has no sympathy when he makes me cry and he seems to enjoy ignoring me and seeing how I react. I don't understand why he is punishing me like this.

 

I didn't do anything. I recently started college but I still get to see him a lot. He visits every week because he lives 50 miles away. When he is on-line he never says hi to me or even asks me how I'm doing. I never get e-mails from him no matter how many I send out. He acts like I never have any reason to be upset with him and he always has a million excuses for his behavior even if some of them are flat out lies. Could he be cheating???

 

I called him Friday and I was really stressed out and having a bad day, I was really upset for many reasons. We talked for fifteen minutes and he was being pleasant for once. He said he would call me today but it's already Sunday and he still hasnn't called or even written an e-mail. I feel like maybe i am being selfish and asking too much of him to simply just call to see how i'm doing.

 

What bothers me the most is how he constantly says "I love you" on the phone when we're hanging up even though in the meantime he behaves like a total jerk. Talk about contradictory behavior.

 

I am considering ending this relationship. And I have no idea why he won't meet me halfway. I don't understand what his problem is and why he has suddenly changed. I really need advice desperately before I take any actions I may regret.

[Ryan]

Honestly, I'm not sure why you made it this long through the consideration stage. I think you should have been out the door as soon as he became violent. That's just not the kind of thing that is to be tolerated in a relationship. The rest of this is just icing on the cake. Since your efforts to get him to be merely SOCIABLE and MAINTAIN the relationship have failed, it's time to create consequences. There's no reason to suffer through dysfunction just because "we've been together for so long" or "I love him." Those aren't valid reasons for settling into a poor situation. Even if it is some sort of chemical imbalance on his part, stepping away from it will allow him to assess the true severity of the problems. It's not your job to fix him. This isn't a 20 year marriage with 2 kids involved. It sounds like this is a good time to end things as they are. Give yourself some time to reflect and recollect on what did/didn't work in this relationship so you can apply it to future ones.

[kathy]

Wow! It sounds like his behaviour is completely off the wall.

 

It sounds as though he is not going to college. Is that right? If so he could be reacting to you moving ahead with your education/life without him. And he is angry and possibly jealous. He may be afraid that you are growing and he isn't.

 

Has he anything new in his life? New friends, habits? Drugs maybe?

 

But ask yourself this, if this guy was a friend and nothing more, would you keep or end the friendship? If he is not acting like your friend, then he isn't your friend. And that HAS to be the basis for any significant relationship.

 

Good luck!