My Boyfriend almost Chocked me to death

[SweetPea80]

Hi everyone, I have a serious problem with my BF. I have been seeing him for 8 months now, and things were fine until he tried to choke me to death. It all started when I hid his bag of pot. He was looking for it and I told him I had flushed it down the toilet, he told me to stop kidding around, and he continued to search around the house for it. I admit I should not have dragged it out for as long as I did. I finally gave it back to him, and then he threw me down on the couch and started to choke me really hard, and hit me in my head a couple times, and told me to never, ever do that again. At that point I was scared I had never seen him act like this. I went to bed for the night after that. He stayed up after that happened until 5 am.

 

When he finally came to bed I was still awake covered up, and still shoked. He continued to choke me some more and he punched me in the back. Agian telling me I better not steal from him ever again. This happened 3 months ago.

He has choked me 3 more times after that, over silly things. He is so jealous and controlling. When I'm tired and want to go to bed he tells me No, I have to stay up with him, and he even tells me I have to clean my plate when I ate. Last night we got into an argument over me chatting online with other guys, even though I don't. I told him a guy IMed me and after that he choked me really bad, punched me in the back and kneed me in the back. I told him I was going home and he shoved me back on the bed, and said he would throw my keyes into the neighbors yard. He is also always interrogating me about my day. What should i do? I need help.

[Wintersbloom]

For what it is worth:

 

Abusive men do not change thier behavior. Nothing you do or do not do is justification for being abused. The "cycle of abuse" is similar to all men. The violent action is followed by the honeymoon phase. He may give you gifts and be the "best boyfriend" ever known for a short while, then it is like walking on egg shells again, until another eruption.

 

Talking to someone on one of these anonomous hotlines can not hurt anything.

 

 

Peace

[Craig]

SweetPea80, many people will say leave the bastard. That's all fine and good if you are ready, willing and able to do that right now but if you aren't ready to leave him then you have to start to take care of yourself.

 

The process of abuse, be it physical, emotional, mental, financial, sexual, etc. takes a toll on the survivor/victim slowly until suddenly one day you realize you don't have a life anymore.

 

What you are experiencing is not unusual and it is in fact textbook abuse/domestic violence. It is that common. That means you are not alone in your suffering.

 

Ok, here is what you can do. First look up the local domestic violence center in your area. Call their office not the hotline and ask to get an appointment with an advocate or a counselor. At the appointment you can expect to feel a tremendous amount of relief as you come to understand that the counselor or advocate understands you. You'll likely be offered counseling for free if you can't afford to pay anything.

 

Second, do a Google search on "domestic violence" and start learning about what it is. Chances are you're going to be surprised that there is more abuse going on than you thought. Look up the "cycle of violence", the "power and control wheel" and "safety plan" especially.

 

Third, immediately put together a "safety plan." This is a course of action that you will take if you believe that you can't stay in the same place as your abuser. You'll need a safe place to go, your identification papers, drivers license, bank I.D., clothing, etc. Make sure you can leave the situation in seconds if you have to.

 

Fourth, don't be afraid to call the police, they can be your best ally in a domestic violence situation. Be ready to call 911. If this is your bf's first offense for DV he'll likely be placed into anger management classes and a program for abusers. He likely won't get jail unless he seriously hurts you. Remember if you are choked repeatedly and don't report that to the police the courts could take the stance that the prior choking events were not that serious because you didn't report them. Then it's like they never happened.

 

Fifth, be aware that choosing to leave your abuser requires you to become the strong one in the relationship. Actually you already are the strong one in the relationship but you just don't know it yet. Also be aware that experiencing overwhelming urges to return to your abuser and/or fudge testimony in court is normal. On average a woman will leave her abuser 7 times before finally leaving for good.

 

Sixth, don't even think of self defense as anything but doing what you have to in order to escape from immediate danger to yourself or someone else. You can not do more than is reasonable in order to escape from your abuser/attacker or else that is a criminal offense.

 

Making the first step, the first phone call can be hard but it gets easier and easier.

 

Best wishes to you and if you have further questions please feel free to ask them.

 

Craig

[RecordProducer]

Do you know how many women are being killed by their violent partners? You think it happens to somebody else, in the ghetto perhaps, to stupid and uneducated women, but not you...

 

It can happen to everyone. if these women knew they were going to die, they wouldn't have stayed with these men. They trusted them just like you trust your boyfriend that he will not hurt you anymore. Do you think he will choke you and punch you again? Of course he will. Many times. And it will get worse and worse. And you know it.

 

You're not even married. If you ever marry him, you will walk around black and blue with sunglasses. You might end up in the hospital or at the morgue. Choose your own path.

 

You might have a nice guy who loves you and never raises his hand on you. Those guys DO exist. No violence is little or insignificant. It's violence. He needs therapy and you need to get out of the relationship even if you end up in the street with no money and friends.

[SweetPea80]

Yes, I do think he will try and choke me again, I'm just not sure when. He won't even let me go to bed when I want. I have to stay up and entertain him until HE is ready for bed. He is very calm most of the time, but if I say the wrong thing then that's it. He has never hit me in the face, but he has choked me 3 times, and put me in a head lock. He also is not very close with his family. He never talks about his dad. I think he is more close with his mom. She calls him everyday I think. Even though he says she makes him very angry and she is too nosy. He has a very big problem with authority figures.

I have been trying to find out more about his family and how he grew up. There is no way for me to know if he was abused as a child, or if his dad abused his mom. I don't know where he learned it is OK to choke someone. He doesn't seem like the type to kill someone, but I guess you never know.

 

I just don't know when he will explode again, and over what. He also is always accusing me of hanging out with other guys, and even my ex bf, who I haven't seen since a year ago, when we broke up.

[Outcast]

Quit worrying about how and why he got this way and make your plan to get out permanently.

[Craig]

Sweatpea80, murder victims don't wake up one day and say today is the day my boyfriend is going to choke me to death.

 

Look at this link

 

http://groups.msn.com/INTIMATEMURDERAREYOUNEXT/predictorsofdomesticviolencehomicideofwomen.msnw

 

Have you done anything at all yet?

 

I talked to a couple DV counsellors last week and asked them if any abusers (men or women) ever stop abusing and their answer was that very, very rarely does the abuse stop. If the abuser is put through a court mandated program they often times learn how to abuse in a way that they can't be arrested for. There's no law against emotional abuse or if there is it's a he said, she said kind of thing very difficult to prosecute.

 

Choking isn't just about cutting off oxygen to the brain. If your bf is choking you and stimulates a small mass of nerve cells, called the carotid bodies, while choking you, your heart can stop. Then you're dead.

 

You are in a very high lethality abusive relationship, this is a very serious situation and you need to do something sweatpea80.

[SweetPea80]

Thanks for you support Craig. I have not been touched by him since tuesday. That's the last time he choked me, because he asked me if I had ever watch a guy on Cam, or chatted with a guy on yahoo. I told him I did months ago because I was bored, and he choked me, and punched me in the back a couple times. The day before he had a very bad day at work, so maybe that had something to do with the abuse.

[Outcast]

Girl, just because he's gone three days without hitting you doesn't mean he won't. In fact, the cycle of abuse is that all's calm and even good in between incidents. But make no mistake, it WILL happen again.

 

The day before he had a very bad day at work, so maybe that had something to do with the abuse.

 

Do not make excuses for him. There is NO ACCEPTABLE REASON FOR ABUSING SOMEONE. None. Zero. Zip. NONE.

 

You badly need to pay attention to what people are telling you rather than making excuses for someone who is DOING DAMAGE TO YOU. This is NOT love.

 

Call your local Domestic Violence centre the next time he's gone and hear some wisdom from women who know. I am one who knows. I left an abuser. Understand that he will not stop. He will not get better. It will only get worse. I promise you.

 

Get. Out. Save your life.

[Craig]

Thanks for you support Craig. I have not been touched by him since tuesday. That's the last time he choked me, because he asked me if I had ever watch a guy on Cam, or chatted with a guy on yahoo. I told him I did months ago because I was bored, and he choked me, and punched me in the back a couple times. The day before he had a very bad day at work, so maybe that had something to do with the abuse.

Sweatpea80, there is zero, none, nada, no excuse for any kind of violence, physical or otherwise. It isn't your fault, it isn't because he had a bad day at work (I have terrible days sometimes but I don't get violent and neither do the majority of people.) Your bf is not going to change, you are never going to be happy in a relationship with him, you are going to eventually lose touch with who you are and one day I promise (if you aren't dead first) you will not know which way is up.

 

I'm seeing some huge denial in you regarding the seriousness of this problem Sweatpea80. Your life is in danger.

 

You have to do something, at least call a domestic violence center and talk to them about what is going on. Please, please, please.

[Brittanyjean06]

If you stay with a man who is doing this to you, than it gives him even more control over you. I personally think that it would be hard for you to stand up for your self, considering he could always choke you again!

 

The best thing to do is tell him calmy its over, and if you stay with someone who tried to kill you, than I do not pity you...YOU KNOW BETTER!! this isn't just a punch on the arm this is ABUSE. I can't believe some men actually think its allright to do this to a woman, how can someone love you by doing this??????? He is feeding off the control he has over you, and he proably needs that.

 

But you need to get out, just reading this thread shocked me how easily you put in to terms he was choking you...I'm sure you were shocked .

 

 

Do you guys live together??? how old r u!

[westernxer]

Better not hide his pot again.

[Brittanyjean06]

lol, I threw my ex boyfriends pot and messed up his mushrooms...

 

the results of that??

 

HAVING MY PHONE BROKEN, my purse burned and my pink hair brush thrown out the window

 

Man it was only a little scattered pot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahaha

 

but please dump this loser, but bring protection with you while doing it

[SweetPea80]

Brittanyjean my BF and I do not live together, but I spend the night at his house almost everynight. I'm 25 years old, he is 29. On tuesday when he choked me I hit him in the face with a pillow and that really made him mad. He told me I better not hit him with a pillow again.

 

He is always accusing me of going on dates with other guys. This morning while we were in bed I said when I got back to my house I was going to chat with some of my online buddies, and of course he thinks they are all guys! He said I better not or he would put my head through the wall and I would smash my head into my car windshield, because where the bedroom is, its right next to the driveway where my car is parked.

 

Then this morning he put his hands around my neck like he was going to choke me, but he was doing it in a manner to warn me he was getting mad i guess. Oh wait he pinched my leg first, then he put his hands aound my neck.

 

Last night he called me after work to say that we werent hanging out because his friend was going to spend the night because they were going to wake up early and go fishing. So I said OK that's fine, I'm going to go hang out with some friends, he got jealous, and said he was going to cancel his plans with his friend, so he wanted me to come spend the night with him, and he would see his friend the next day. It's like whenever I say I want to do something with my friends he doesn't want me too, he wants to take up all my time. He will even cancel plans with his friends sometimes just so I can't see my friends, or do other things, so he can hang out with me.

[SweetPea80]

If I told him I wanted out of the relationship I already know his response, he would say, "That is not an option." The little dime bag of pot I hide was really just me being funny, but i don't know something just snapped inside of him. He said other people have done the same thing to him before and he hates it. I think the fact that I was laughing at him searching for his dime bag just really angered him the most, because he felt stupid looking for it and i had it in my pocket. His search only lasted maybe 5 minutes. LOL

He considered it stealing! He was asking me a lot of questions last night and I told him he is too nosy. He didn't like that I said that, so he told me One of his friends told him that he was nosy once and he said he almost killed him for calling him nosy!

[Outcast]

It astounds me that people like you get warnings from people who understand the danger they are in and it might as well be puffs of wind going by.

 

GET OUT OF THERE YOU ARE IN DANGER!!!

[RecordProducer]

If I told him I wanted out of the relationship I already know his response, he would say, "That is not an option."

What's that mean? Is he going to kill you?

 

he told me One of his friends told him that he was nosy once and he said he almost killed him for calling him nosy!

Are you crazy or stupid or both? Don't you realize that your life is in danger? get some help in order to get rid of him. The police, the local social workers, I don't know. But this smells like death too much!

[RecordProducer]

He said I better not or he would put my head through the wall and I would smash my head into my car windshield, because where the bedroom is, its right next to the driveway where my car is parked.

 

Then this morning he put his hands around my neck like he was going to choke me, but he was doing it in a manner to warn me he was getting mad i guess. Oh wait he pinched my leg first, then he put his hands aound my neck.

Your desire to put up with this s*** makes me sick to the stomach. But most of all I fear for your life and health. He might hit you ONLY once and you can die or remain disabled for the rest of your life.

 

In the movies people beat each other to death then get up with a few scratches and walk away. In real life only a couple wrong punches are enough for the victim to never wake up!

 

Don't be an idiot please. Make a good plan on how to get away from him. Expect some severe violence when you dump him (whenever that happens) and even afterwords. he will find you and won't leave you alone. So have the police warned about him and HIM warned that the police is involved.

 

There are many cases where boyfriends have killed their girlfriends and then themselves. The more you prolong the break-up the more violent he will get. You need somebody's help to get away from him. Good luck, honey. I wish you to be safe and happy again.

[spazgirl]

Hi everyone, I have a serious problem with my BF. I have been seeing him for 8 months now, and things were fine until he tried to choke me to death. It all started when I hid his bag of pot. He was looking for it and I told him I had flushed it down the toilet, he told me to stop kidding around, and he continued to search around the house for it. I admit I should not have dragged it out for as long as I did. I finally gave it back to him, and then he threw me down on the couch and started to choke me really hard, and hit me in my head a couple times, and told me to never, ever do that again. At that point I was scared I had never seen him act like this. I went to bed for the night after that. He stayed up after that happened until 5 am.

 

When he finally came to bed I was still awake covered up, and still shoked. He continued to choke me some more and he punched me in the back. Agian telling me I better not steal from him ever again. This happened 3 months ago.

He has choked me 3 more times after that, over silly things. He is so jealous and controlling. When I'm tired and want to go to bed he tells me No, I have to stay up with him, and he even tells me I have to clean my plate when I ate. Last night we got into an argument over me chatting online with other guys, even though I don't. I told him a guy IMed me and after that he choked me really bad, punched me in the back and kneed me in the back. I told him I was going home and he shoved me back on the bed, and said he would throw my keyes into the neighbors yard. He is also always interrogating me about my day. What should i do? I need help.

this is a no brainer. this guy has serious issues that are bigger than the both of you. get the hell out and don't look back!

[amerikajin]

I'll preface this by saying that I understand getting out of this type of relationship is much, much easier said than done. People like your boyfriend are terribly insecure and suffer from an extreme lack of self-esteem that is incomprehensible to most of us. Sure, we all have our issues, but abusers have tons of issues - they're swimming in emotional distress, which in all likelihood emanates from abuse they have suffered at some point. It's all well and good to understand the mind of an abuser, but that doesn't really mean jack s*** to you right now.

 

Here's your bottom line: YOU ARE IN EXTREME DANGER!!!!

 

Leaving is going to be difficult and scary for a number of different reasons. You'll probably feel isolated, and it is almost a certainty that he will verbally abuse you and threaten to abuse you physically - and there's also the distinct possibility that he will try to track you down and abuse you even further.

 

I do agree with what was posted earlier. Don't leave until you've got your game plan together and until you're ready to follow it. If you try to leave any sooner, he will manipulate you into coming back and it will probably be even more difficult to leave in the future. Call an abuse hotline and get very explicit instructions on how to get out of this relationship, and then do it - IMMEDIATELY! That has to be your goal here, not rehabilitation. Too late for that.

 

Don't waste a minute. Get out of this relationship now before he seriously injures you or worse.

[stillhere]

I'm not so sure she wants help. It's like a big joke to her. I was in an abusive relationship. I had a frickin gun held to my head over his weed problem. He never hit me in the face either.........don't want to leave marks for someone to ask questions. He tried to control everything i did too.

Well, my best friend, who happened to be his friend also, was there the day he held a gun to my head. My best friend layed him out on the floor with one punch, blood oozing from his busted nose. He told him that if he EVER touched me again, he would never get up and walk away the next time. We broke up and i haven't seen him since.

She doesn't live with him, and she hasn't said if she loves him..........so get the hell away from him and call the police. She's gotta have marks around her neck, if she wants to stick around for the next choking incident, call the police when you go home and show them your neck.

[SweetPea80]

My Bf is just the type of guy who doesn't take No for an answer. I have never been in an abusive relationship before. I do really care about him, and I know things could get worse. To be 100% honest I have no idea how he would really react if I said I wanted to end the relationship.

 

And to everyone who thinks I'm stupid I'm a well educated person and I know abuse is wrong, but I just can't believe he would ever kill me. I guess I am in denial. It's sad because when I look into his eyes I know he needs help and has issues. Trust issues I know he has. I also know he is insecure, jealous, controlling, possessive. I guess it is so stupid of me to think he can change.

[amerikajin]

I'll say this for the last time.

 

You are not in a position to be playing therapist here; he's physically assaulting you. What he did to you would be considered a felony in many jurisdictions, but irrespective of that, it's just plain dangerous and unacceptable behavior on his part. I agree that he needs help, but you are not capable of helping him. He has to get that on his own.

 

You've got to get out of this situation before it gets really, really ugly. Don't be stupid.

[SweetPea80]

Sometimes I just don't know how I got myself into this mess. The sad thing is months before the abuse started we were in bed together one night, and he was telling me how he was supposed to go to his parents house to pick up some things to take to the dump, and he said he couldn't get into his parents driveway because his mom's car was in the way and he couldn't get to the garage, and at that time he was almost late for work, so he didn't take the things to the dump his parents asked him to take.

 

He told me later that evening when he went back to his parents that his dad called him an a**h*** and told him that everyone who knows him thinks he's an a**h***, so his dad pretty much was pissed off at him for not picking up the stuff. I asked him if he was sad about what his dad said to him and he said yes. I said you're sweet how could your dad call you such a mean thing, he said I don't really think I'm sweet, pretty much everyone in my family and my friends think I'm an a**h*** too. I should have believed him then, and distanced myself a bit from him, but at the time I didn't see the ahole in him yet, he revealed it much later on. He did indeed turn out to be an ass afterall. He tried to tell me himself! I need help, I know I have to leave him soon, but I care about him. I need the courage to do it.

[Craig]

"Your Struggle to Escape Domestic Violence Is Heroic. The most admired heroes of any culture are those who have stood up to tyranny and oppression and fought for liberty and justice. Yet rarely have these acclaimed heroes battled alone, without weapons or troops of any sort, with children in tow, and with the enemy entrenched in their home, in their hearts, and sleeping in their beds."

 

To see the rest of the article click on this link http://www.justicewomen.com/tips_escape.html