guitar71 Posted May 21, 2006 Share Posted May 21, 2006 get out - save your life and run far from this guy and don't look back Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted May 21, 2006 Share Posted May 21, 2006 Of course you care about him and would like to help him, however he is too badly damaged for you to fix. And you certainly can love him, but for your own sake, you must love him at a distance. If you are a religious person, I suggest that you ask God to take care of him for you. NOTHING you do can help him and you have to understand that. You didn't break him - that was done long before you came along - and when that kind of major damage is done, it's not fixable. The courage to leave isn't necessary. It's the fear to leave that you need. Call a domestic violence counsellor and learn about men like him. You'll hear the same story over and over because, like any other illness, it has a particular set of symptoms, pattern, etc. and like most illnesses, has a predictable outcome. In these cases, violence ALWAYS escalates. He CHOKED you!!!! It doesn't take much choking to kill someone - do you not realize this??? People think violent men are all evil. They aren't. They have good sides, which is why women stay - but the bad outweighs the good and you can't stay and endure the bad because it will only harm you and it will never help him. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 21, 2006 Share Posted May 21, 2006 I'm just scared about what his reaction will be when I tell him I don't want to see him anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetPea80 Posted May 21, 2006 Author Share Posted May 21, 2006 I don't know if my BF had been abused as a child, but I do know that I was sexually, verbally, and sometimes physically abused as a child. Link to post Share on other sites
stillhere Posted May 21, 2006 Share Posted May 21, 2006 Just stop making excuses for him, he doesn't have a choice any more. He's gonna have to learn to take no as an answer. He will kill you. There are so many killers out there that their families would have never guessed could do something so horrible. People don't want to help those who don't want to help themselves. I'm not a strong person by any means, and i did it. It is much easier when you don't live with the person. But you have to start sticking up for yourself, because if you continue to protect him, the police are going to stop jumping every time you call. Get a restraining order on him, and stick to it everytime he breaks it. Don't give in or feel bad. There are so many men out there who don't treat women or anyone else like that, go find someone who can make you truely happy and leave this guy now. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkPippaCat Posted May 21, 2006 Share Posted May 21, 2006 For the love of God, GET OUT OF THERE! Everything you have read on this message so far is correct. He WILL NOT STOP abusing you. All the academic studies and anedotal evidence says the same thing - this will not stop until you leave him. By sticking up for him and staying with him you are giving him validity to continue this behaviour - if he does this and you stay, it is alright. Clearly you don't think it is alright or you would not have posted your message but you have to stop looking for reasons why he is doing it and just get out. Now. You don't live with him so there are 2 things you really need to do if you value your life... Firstly, just stop seeing him! No explanations. Don't answer his calls. Don't agree to meet up for a coffee or anything and instruct your friends and family to do the same. Avoid places where you know him, or people he knows, will be. If you need to, stay with a friend out of town for a while so you are not around when he realises that you have dumped him. If he persists, you have every right to get a restraining order which, if he breaks, will put him behind bars and out of your life forever. Secondly, go to the police. If not for yourself, then for every female out there because god knows, if he has done it to you, he has done it before, and he will do it again. What he is doing is illegal (whatever state or country you live in - assuming it is the "western" world here)!!! If someone he had done it to before had gone to the police, you wouldn't be in this situation at all! There is protection avaliable for you if you are scared of the consequences. It may not be the nicest of processes but it has got to be better than fighting for your life every night for the rest of your life. If you do not feel that you are being taken seriously, contact a DV project who will adovcate on your behalf. Most forces (in the UK at least, I assume the same for US, Canada, Aus etc) have specially trained DV workers to help you and advise you. If not, use one of the national or local charities - there have been some good links posted up already to get you started. Whatever is going on in his head, whatever issues he has, whatever his parents have told him, it is NOT your problem and you are NOT responsible for his actions! You need to look out for yourself because, by the sounds of it, he damn well won't! I am sorry to hear that you have been abused in the past by other people and there is a definite tendancy for people who have been abused to either become abusers themselves or to continue to end up in abusive situations but at the end of the day, only you have responsibility for yourself and your safety. Do WHATEVER it takes (change jobs, leave the city etc) but please, do not stay with this man a moment longer - you can rebuild a life under any circumstances but it sounds like you might not have a life for much longer. If you have any self-respect at all, you will love yourself more than you love him. Please, for yourself and any future women he might abuse, get out and get the police involved. I understand that it will be hard, but you need to be really strong and evaluate what is more important - staying with him or staying alive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetPea80 Posted May 22, 2006 Author Share Posted May 22, 2006 Thank You everyone for your support. Anymore suggestions and advice is always appreciated. Like I mentioned before this is really hard for me because I have never had an abusive boyfriend before. Link to post Share on other sites
CantCutitOff Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 SweetPea... I'm very sad to hear about your situation. I work with people in similar situations every day, and I understand it's hard to get yourself out of a bad situation. But you MUST. I can't tell you how many people in your shoes that I've personally worked with who have refused to leave and then ended up dead. It's too many to bear. All of the advice you've gotten on here has been good advice. Additionally, if you're not living with him & I don't think that you have children (didn't see that anywhere) -- you're in a little bit better of a situation than most. Regardless - you need to call your local Domestic Violence shelter and GO TO THE POLICE! What he's done to you is illegal. I'm not familiar with NJ laws - but these repeated assaults could even rise to the level of a felonious assault. While you may be hesitant to get law enforcement involved, just remember the Court can order him into anger management and other types of treatment and hold him accountable for completing it in ways that you cannot. And it will also help you realize that YOU have control here. Just remember this: Even if you care about him, you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. He's gotta find that within himself somehow. But you don't need to be there regardless. There are plenty of other great men out there that will appreciate you and love you WITHOUT abusing you. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 26, 2006 Share Posted May 26, 2006 I agree with all of the previous posters: just leave. And don't let him coerce you into coming back- not even if he threatens harm to you, your loved ones, himself, or your possessions. He is betting on having you so scared that you won't leave. That is why he feels comfortable issuing frightening ultimatums, and beating you. He probably also thinks you are too stupid to leave him. He needs to think of you as a lesser person so that he can feel top dog. People like this are already broken. They cannot be fixed, and I can assure you that the damage will get worse and worse. He will start to become unpredictable- he will be fairly kind to you for several days on end, so that he can make you feel ultra comfortable, and that things are changing. Then, he will beat the sh*t out of you to prove a point- that he will always be in control, that you are never allowed to be comfortable or whole, because he says so. If this continues, you will live the rest of your life in fear and pain. SweatPea, you live in a great country. Help is available to you at the touch of a phone. In some places, there is no help for women who are abused; and they are laughed at for making the attempt. I suggest you take full advantage of what you have available to you before you are dead at his hands. Just think: one day, you woke up having no idea that night you'd be choked by someone who you believed loved you. You probably woke up enjoying the sun on your face, and looking forward to the rest of the day, afternoon, and night. Please realize what can happen in the course of an instant and get the help you need. DGP Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 dump his sory ass girlfreind he ent worth it his a piece of s*** get his ass bnhind bars Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 If leaving is not an option yet, at least tell him that if he chokes you again, not to do it so hard that you could die. Remind him how fragile a throat is and that most choking deaths occur unintentionally when the choker does not realize how much damage they are causing. It only takes a few seconds for not enough oxygen to reach the brain to die. Just like that. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 If leaving is not an option yet, at least tell him that if he chokes you again, not to do it so hard that you could die. This would've been really funny if it weren't so sad. Link to post Share on other sites
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