Can he love me again?

[amber26]

Hi I have a pretty long story. I have posted under infedility Did I do the right thing. If u would like to read up onit. The basic story is that my H had been spending alot of time on the computer. At first it was just playing games and looking at online porn. Which didn't bother me. He was still coming to bed with me everynight and there is nothing wrong with looking at it online or in movies. Anyways. I noticed that he had set up a new free email account because we suddenly had a new IM messenger on our computer. Not thinking to much of it as we have relatives out of state and emailing is cheaper than calling. Then I noticed he was clicking out of the screen when ever I walked into the room. He was running to the computer as soon as he got home from work or after being out and about during the weekends. Going up to other families houses and spending hours on the computer while I was still at home. Putting this all together I decided to check the history of my computer and found his email address and some online dating services that he had been going to almost daily. I went to one of them and just did a search for nicknames that he uses and found a profile that matched him almost exactly exept for the city we live in.

Wondering what to do I put a free key logger trial onto our computer and got all his passwords. I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not but if he was having an affair I wanted to know. After less than a day I had all his passwords to his email and the online dating services. He had been receiving emails from the online services about woman intrested in him. His profile said he was looking for a descreet relationship with no strings attached. He did not purchase the full membership as I take care of all the family finances and would have found out. Well the next thing I did was not one of by brightest ideas but I did it anyways. I signed up for the web site and emailed him saying I wanted to chat and see where it lead. Not relizing until a few days later when I didn't hear back from him that he couldn't read the messages without paying for the membership. So I set up a free email account for myself and emailed him directly making it look like it had come from the online dating service. He is not very computer savy so he did not catch on that it was a direct email and not really from the dating service. I told him I mainly wanted to chat and see where things lead from there. He started emailing "cybergirl" (that is what I call the this little fake person he talks too) with little stories of things he had done with other woman while married to his wife. Anyways. I emailed him back little stories of things cybergirl had done. Finding things out about my H that were hard to beleive. He has been in a past relationship were he was cheated on so he knows how it feels. I never thought he would do it to me. Well after a couple of weeks he asked to meet. Of course I said no and made up some excuses. Saying I wanted to get to know him better and things like that. It wasn't long after that we started talking about his relationship with his wife (me). He said he was unhappy in the marriage and that he was sexually bored of being with the same woman for so long. That there were things he wanted to try out sexually that his wife was not into. During these talks he confessed that all the stories he had told cybergirl were fake. That he only said them because that is what he thought she wanted to hear. He said he was sorry and that he does not like lieing. Cybergirl told him it was fine but she wanted to know the real him. He told her that he was married with kids and a house and alot of reponsibilities. But that he was unhappy and did not know if he still loved his wife. He said it might be selfish on his part but that he had thought of leaving. Cybergirl asked why he didn't. He said because he owed his wife more than that. That she had helped him get cleaned up and out of trouble when he was younger and now they had been together 8 years and she was still madly in love with him. He said that he was sexually frustrated and didn't know if he was still attracted to her sexually or even to her personality anymore. He said she did not like enjoying going out and drinking and having a good time. Cybergirl tried to explain that maybe because of the kids she feels she can't do those things. He said that there are family that would watch the kids but she just doesn't like to go and have fun. To continue with the story he started acting strange at home. I relized that I could not remember the last time that he said I love you. Or because he works out of town every now and again that I could not remember the last time we had a good conversation at home or over the phone that did not include the weeks plans or the kids. He said that he was tired on not feeling wanted. I relized that when he came home from being out of town all week he would not kiss me or say I miss u. Well lately he has been telling cybergirl that he would leave if it wasn't for the kids. At home as his wife I can tell he is unhappy and stressed out. I don't know what to do. He can't find out that I am cybergirl but I don't know how to fix what is wrong without him putting the two together. He does not understand that I want the same things he does. More time with him. But since he has said that he may not love his wife anymore can he love me again?? I don't know what to do. He told cybergirl that he feels his reasons for leaving or selfish. That being unsatisfied sexually and not having the 'party' life on weekends that he likes are not good enough reasons to break up a family. Then he says that he has talked to some of his family about it and they say to go out and have sex with other woman but to keep the wife at home. As once u find a good one don't let her go just because of a bad sex life. I don't think our sex life is bad. It has become boring. Doing the same things night after night. There is not alot of excitement to it. Which I would love to change. who wouldn't but now that I know he is having these thoughts is it worth it to try and change it? I would think it would be but even though cybergirl has given him suggestions of things he could try. Things that me as his wife would like. He just says no she wouldn't do that. No she won't do that. So now I am stuck. Cybergirl has told him to talk to his wife about it and he says he can't he doesn't know how too. She told him to write it down and leave it for her to find and he won't do that either. He says he doesn't know if he wants to fix it. He has told cybergirl about people I his wife knows that have hit on him and offered him sex. He has told her about them grabbing his 'unit' and telling him that they want him and kissing him. In front of other people. Cybergirl asked if any of these things would ever get back to his wife and he said no. None of his family would ever tell on him. She asked him why he doesn't take the offers if that is what he wants. He said it is too risky. If his wife ever found out it would be over. Cybergirl said that she thought that is what he wanted. And he said that he couldn't let it end like that. That he wasn't ready for it to end and he wanted to be ready and prepared for it. Ending it on his terms. So like I said. I don't know what to do with this. At first he made it clear to cybergirl that he would not leave his wife. Now after over a month of talking he said that he would probally try to make something happen, long distance and all as cybergirl is set to live in another town he works in alot.

Any help on this one? I can't talk to any of my family about it in fear that he would find out. I do love him and I wish that he felt the same about me. I don't know if I can make him fall back in love with me. I don't want it all to end with out him trying to fix things that can be fixed. If he would just talk to me about them. I have been having the same feeling sexually that things need to change but I don't know how to sit him down and talk to him about it now that he has already had the same converstations with cybergirl. I tried doing different things in the bedroom to see if he would catch on and he did kinda. He wrote cybergirl and said he was freaking out because some of the things he talked about wanting to happen did. She just told him to stop worring and enjoy it. and to try and keep it going. I don't want our relationship to be based on sex and I am afraid that if I keep giving him the things I know he wants without talking about the other problems that he will stay around and be unhappy except in the bedroom. I don't want that kind of relationship. If I did I would join one of those dating services for real and find that as many people offer it. I want a husband, friend, lover and a great father for our kids. As u can see I am needing help with this one.

[PandorasBox]

IMO, I think you did the right thing by signing up to the site yourself. You got some info you have been wondering about. You now know what it is he is up too. Some ppl might disagree that you went about it wrong by doing that, but personally its no more wrong than what he is doing and you got your info.

 

Have you thought about marriage counseling? Do you think he would go? Do you feel this is something worth salvaging? if so, then I would suggest you talk to him about counseling. if he were to ask you why, then you tell him you noticed he seems unhappy. It has to be your call wheather or not you tell him who you are online on this other site. I would imagine if he were to come clean with you with how he feels and what he has been doing, then you might need to do the same. Communicate to him how you feel on the matter.

[amber26]

It took over a month for him to open up to cybergirl about any of this. I suggested counseling to him as cybergirl and he said he would never do it. That he beleives if him and his wife can not work it out together that it is not meant to be worked out. I kinda feel the same way. Obviously we have some major communication problems. A couple of years ago I was feeling the same way. Like we needed a change because he was spending alot more time at work and with his friends then he was with me or our family. And he slowed it down for awhile. I beleive that everything he is saying can be fixed. His reasons for leaving may be selfish : not having good sex or enough of it, arguing about alot of little things, the attraction because of some weight I have put on (after having kids), and not being able to go out alot on weekends ( or i should say me not being able to go out). I feel our sex life can be changed. We can try new things. We can talk about the little things before they become a stupid arguement, I have been trying to lose weight for me not for him so I can be more active and play with my kids. (its not alot of weight. I could stand to lose maybe 25 or 50lbs.) And I do want to go out on weekends and have fun but I feel guilty sending the kids to a babysitter (even though it is always family) so I don't go crazy when we go out because I want to get up in the morning and go and get them. Another part to that is we have close family members whose kids are always at babysitters because of work some stay with grandparents for a week or more. When the weekends come they don't go and get them so they have the availability to go out and party. I am not the kind of person who could do this and my H agrees that that is wrong. We have kids because we want them and we love them. Not for someone else to raise them. This is why I feel guilty leaving them with a sitter. So yes I think it can be salvaged. He will not talk to me as his wife about it. He told cybergirl that his wife is so madly in love with him that if he told her she would not understand.

[oannamarie]

I would make him falll in love with cybergirl emotionally then I would have cybergirl meet him. He would then find out that you know the truth. Then you to could work through it or you could leave him. He would also know that it is still possible to have feelings for you. Who knows, it might even turn him on that you lead him on.

[amber26]

I have thought of doing just that. Having him fall for cybergirl and then set up a time to meet. Having him walk in and see the wife he doesn't love anymore. Then I thought again. What if he looks at that as a betrayal. I understand that what he is doing is a type of betrayal since he does not know that I am cybergirl but when and if he ever finds out I am not sure how he will react to it. My biggest fear is that it will make things worse.

[37andConfused]

having him meet cybergirl. if i poured my heart out to somebody who i didn't know was my wife, I would be pissed. I mean REALLY pissed. I would walk out at the betrayal.

 

first of all, you NEED to drop the kids off at sitters. letting somebody watch them once in two weeks while you go wild with your husband is not "letting somebody else raise them". And I mean, go wild with your husband. Become a different person for one night. Dont' be a mommy or a wife. Be a girlfriend.

 

This is what i would do if i were you: drop the kids off. go out with your hubby. have the best sex you've had in a long time. then in your postcoital glow, tell him that you feel that lately he's been getting more withdrawn. tell him you want to have fun more often. tell him that you want to have mindblowing sex with him. tell him you miss that. when he realizes that you're still into sex and WANT to change, he will fell better. But don't just make it lip service. Follow thru and go wild every week or every other week. Within 3 months, you will be in your second honeymoon. trust me.