Divorced but can't move on

[gypsygal44]

Hi everyone. I am new at this so please bear with me. I had been legally seperated for a 13 months when my divorce finally went through. He sought it, wanted it, and rejoiced in it. Me, I didn't want it, hated it and still can't believe it has happened.

 

My divorce became final on April 10, 2006. Still fresh. Anyway, I am still crying and moping. I have my good days but mostly bad ones. He blamed me for everything. I guess I twisted his arm to go out and have an affair with another married woman. Right?

 

Now he is divorced and she isn't. She still lies and says she is divorced, has had cancer off and on for 7 years. Lies, all lies. Yet he says I have lied and put him in a corner and kept him there for years. What? I realize it is his problem but can't help wondering if I could have done something to cause this or prevent it.

 

She is about 2 yrs. younger than me, looks like she's in her 60's and can't be with him on a regular basis because of her H and children. What is the attraction? He says its because they were friends for five years (which I never knew about). She talks to him and LISTENS to him. I tried. He wouldn't talk with me. Told me he was discussing our problems and marriage with her. Why not me? It was my marriage and my husband.

 

Why did she deliberatly destroy my marriage, family and lifestyle? She is still writing him loveletters and calling him. My 12 yr. old son found this out. It disturbs him greatly. He has no respect left for his father. I try to tell him it will be ok but even I don't believe that.

 

Everyone says it will take meeting someone else to make me feel better. More desirable and loved. But I look in the mirror and don't like what I see. I was married for 21 years. How do you just start over?

 

I find myself obsessing about them. Are they together? Do they love each other? When will they break up? What is it about her that I don't have? I try to see it as his fault and end up crying about me being to blame.

 

I was a stay at home mom for 11 yrs. I don't have much experience or knowledge to get far in the workplace. No money for school. Heck I am so far in debt I will never get out. I have no oil for heat or hot water. Does he care? No. I see this but why can't I forget about the jerk? The legal divorce is over and now I need an emotional one. Can anyone help me please?

 

gypsy

[dgiirl]

This might sound harsh, but please understand it's coming from a symathetic ear, since I myself have just gone through a year of separation and waiting for the divorce papers to be signed by a judge. You HAVE to stop thinking about him. You HAVE to stop hearing things about him. You have NO choice. You are obsessing over him, trust me, I've been doing the same things. But right now, you are so angry and sad because you focus on him and you probably replay over and over and over every mean nasty thing he's said to you. What you have to realize is all the mean things he's said to you, was awful and hurtful, but it's in the past! He's not still there saying those things to you. You are the one doing it. You're the one who's hurting yourself right now. He's off doing god knows who and is not hearing all the anger you have right now. It's certainly not fair, but life isnt always fair. And right now, you have a choice to either be miserable and keep all this hatred bottled up inside of you, or to just let the past be in the past and be present in the present. You are the only one responsible for your happiness! He cannot make you happy or unhappy unless you choose it!

 

I also disagree with your friends advice, although they mean well. Dont wait for someone to come along to make you feel desirable and loved. If you were like me, isnt that what got you into this mess in the first place? Putting all your eggs in one basket. Letting your whole self esteem be based on HIS perception? You can love yourself right now! You can take a look at yourself in the mirror and find your best features. Either your hair, your eyes, your lips, whatever it is that you really do find pretty about yourself. Concentrate on it, and when you feel sad, go to the mirror and tell yourself you are pretty. It might sound corny, but it's worked for me. I started to see myself differently and started to build my self esteem back up. I started doing things I've never done in my entire life. Things I've always wanted to do. I stopped thinking about him, and started thinking about my future, what I want it to look like and how I will go about achieving it.

 

Time alone is not going to heal you. You have to actively work on moving on. Whenever your thoughts are on him, you have to actively stop yourself and think of something else. I have a mantra that I often repeat to myself. "He is my past, NOT my future". It helps me to refocus on my future.

 

I definitely have empathy for you since the same situation pretty much happened to me. But realize, right now, the only one hurting you is yourself and you HAVE to stop. You have to be your best friend again. It's your responsibility to make yourself happy again. I know that's scary, but it is also empowering. When you realize you have the power to make yourself happy, you will become happier.

[gypsygal44]

dgiirl,

 

thanks for the advice. I keep telling myself the same stuff over and over again. Than I hear his voice or see him and it starts all over again. We have a son and he is having problems in school right now. So of course I had to see him and tell him all about it. Then tonight I called and left a message about my son's field trip. He cannot go on it because of his attitude in school.

 

So I hear his sexy voice and see his sexy person and there I go again. I have become a nervous eater this year and put on a lot of weight. I think I look good and then someone will take a pic of me and oh my god! is that me?

 

I don't exactly know what to do with myself. I always was with him and doing things we like to do together. I don't feel like doing any of the things we used to do. But financially I am really strapped. Trying to get a full time job around my area is pretty hard with no formal education. I ran out of my depression meds and find the rainy days (of which we have had plenty lately) make me sadder. Plus I seem to be in full blown menopause. Talk about having all your eggs in one basket. God help me!!!!

 

I used to have a good sense of humor. What are some of the things that you have been doing to get on with your life? Maybe I can get some ideas there. There is only so much you can do on a limited budget. I live way, way out in the country and gas is so expensive.

 

I am so tired of being alone or just with my kid. I love him but crave adult conversation. So where does life in the past belong and where is my future? The very thought of him with someone else makes me want to lose my supper. The thought of making love or even kissing someone else, after 21 yrs. I can not begin to wrap my mind around that. Why does it seem so easy for him?

 

Summer is coming so it might be easier to get out and about. But I feel so left out whenever my son says that he and his F did this, and did that whenever he goes to visit. He doesn't talk to his F about me and I have asked him not to with me. But he seems to need someone to tell and I am all he has. What do I do then? I find myself driving by his house to see if he's home. I need help don't I? Am I sick or what? Why would anyone keep tormenting themselves this way?

 

I know I hurt because of this feeling of rejection. I never thought he would ever treat me like this. I keep asking what does she have that I don't? Maybe getting a therapist would help with these thoughts? What do you think?

 

Gypsy

[dgiirl]

So I hear his sexy voice and see his sexy person and there I go again.

 

Is there any way you can communicate via email or through a third person? About 90% of my communication with my ex is via email. It helps because we keep to business at hand. I refuse to ask him any personal questions, because all it will do is hurt me.

 

I don't exactly know what to do with myself. I always was with him and doing things we like to do together. I don't feel like doing any of the things we used to do. But financially I am really strapped. Trying to get a full time job around my area is pretty hard with no formal education. I ran out of my depression meds and find the rainy days (of which we have had plenty lately) make me sadder. Plus I seem to be in full blown menopause. Talk about having all your eggs in one basket. God help me!!!!

 

Aww, sweetie, take a look in your local community calendar. A lot of them have divorce groups you can attend. It's a great idea because you can talk with similar people AND you get out of the house to socialize.

 

I used to have a good sense of humor. What are some of the things that you have been doing to get on with your life? Maybe I can get some ideas there. There is only so much you can do on a limited budget. I live way, way out in the country and gas is so expensive.

 

Personally, this year, I learned to cook. I bought a cook book and anytime I'm bored, I go make something fancy or something I've never had before. It's a great way to pass the time. I've also just hung out at the library and bookstores browsing and reading books. You dont need to buy any, just browse. I've also visited my city as a tourist, just roaming freely around the streets. I have a digital camera so I just take a ton of pictures. I also have a bike that I'm riding more frequently in the summer. It's helping me get back into shape and it takes up most of my evenings. It's a lot of fun. I'm also planning to take some kind of dance class like salsa or something. Not everything costs money, you just have to motivate yourself to get out of the house, even if you dont _feel_ like it. Being in the house is depressing. You need to get out, even if it's alone. Take walks around the neighbourhood, appreciate your surroundings. Learn tai chi and do it under a tree. There's so many things you can do. Think of the wildest thing you'd like to try and do it. If at all possible, dont return to places that will remind you of your ex. Not for a while yet, until you get to feeling a little bit better.

 

I am so tired of being alone or just with my kid. I love him but crave adult conversation. So where does life in the past belong and where is my future? The very thought of him with someone else makes me want to lose my supper. The thought of making love or even kissing someone else, after 21 yrs. I can not begin to wrap my mind around that. Why does it seem so easy for him?

 

Again, not to sound cruel, but STOP thinking about what your ex is doing or imagining how great his life is right now. Frankly you really dont KNOW how your ex is doing. He could be living even more miserable with his gf, but he definitely wouldnt tell you that. Thinking about how wonderful his life is is only hurting you.

 

Summer is coming so it might be easier to get out and about. But I feel so left out whenever my son says that he and his F did this, and did that whenever he goes to visit. He doesn't talk to his F about me and I have asked him not to with me. But he seems to need someone to tell and I am all he has. What do I do then? I find myself driving by his house to see if he's home. I need help don't I? Am I sick or what? Why would anyone keep tormenting themselves this way?

 

You are not sick. You need to stop your negative internal dialog and be kinder to yourself. Go to the library and read as many self help books as you can! In the beginning I read sooo many books, i'm sick of it now, but it really did help me focus my attention on me. As long as I was active, the depression lifted.

 

I know I hurt because of this feeling of rejection. I never thought he would ever treat me like this. I keep asking what does she have that I don't? Maybe getting a therapist would help with these thoughts? What do you think?

 

I know. I felt and did the exact same thing. I still do on occasion. But asking these questions is NOT productive. I definitely think therapy is a must! It was a HUGE help for me. She started helping me build my self confidence and it was awesome. She even helped me realize what were MY faults and what were HIS faults. Right now you're probably taking all the blame, and you need to realize not everything is about you. Meaning, maybe your ex has his OWN issues to work out and it has absolutely no reflection on you.

 

And dont worry about relationships right now. At this point, your job is to start taking back control and finding things to make YOU happy. You have no choice on that. You have a son that is watching you and you need to set a good example. Your son is watching how you handle breakups and you need to set a good example. And the way you handle breakups is you grieve for a bit, and then you start taking back control. He needs to know that even if things dont work out the way you expect, life CAN be better. Like me, I believe you were meant to go through this for a reason! You need to make meaning out of your sorrow, and the way you do that is you improve your life. You start making yourself happy again.

[gypsygal44]

dgiirl,

 

Boy, how did you get so smart? Maybe I could save money and take you on as a therapist. You make so much sense. I guess I need a good swift kick in the pants to get motivated. I guess I could do somethings different.

 

I have diabetes and my son needs to lose weight. So maybe I could get some diabetes cookbooks and start there. He could probably benefit from that also. My biggest dream is someday I would like to learn to fly. But that takes money. So for now it is only a dream.

 

I realized after H left that I lost most of my dreams along the way. Now I dream BIG. So maybe I should start smaller. I need to get my bike out too. My son is very, very tall for his age and hates bikes. but I could do it while he is in school.

 

I had a thought. Let me know what you think? If I start considering my ex as just a sperm donor, maybe that would help. After all then I wouldn't keep thinking about him so much. My mother always taught me to put others before myself. Maybe she was wrong in some ways. I like taking long hot baths and maybe I could splurge on a pedicure. Never had one. That would certainly be something different.

 

I did try kayaking last summer. I am terrified of the water but decided to do something that I was afraid of. And I did it. I don't like big waters but small inlets are great. I don't have my own kayak, but my ex sister-in-law has a couple. But she has a new bf and is quite busy. We'll see.

 

See, you are good for me. Got me thinking up a storm already. Maybe I will even shave my head and dress in robes and chant. Just kidding. That is going too far.

 

I think I will start by cleaning out the old stuff in my house. Maybe a yard sale. Could use the money and the space. H left a lot of stuff behind and says he doesn't want it. So why not?

 

I did go on one of those online dating services. Met a guy from around my area, but he is in antarctica right now. So we spend our time talking online. I think it will help to get to know each other before he comes home in Sept. He is planning on leaving again after that for Greenland. So anyway, I am starting to make friends even if only online.

 

I really hope you keep talking with me. I have good days but a lot of bad ones. I think I need someone with a clear head who has been here. My family hates my ex and I can't talk about how I feel around them. They just don't get it.

 

Thank you, I feel like you really understand where I am coming from. I just hope I can get to where you are before long. You are an inspiration to me and give me hope that my life can get better. I put so much into this marriage and my ExH for so long, I think I lost the most important person in my life. ME!!!!

 

Gypsy

[dgiirl]

Boy, how did you get so smart? Maybe I could save money and take you on as a therapist. You make so much sense. I guess I need a good swift kick in the pants to get motivated. I guess I could do somethings different.

 

lol I've reflected a lot. I've read a LOT on divorce, self help, relationships. I went to therapy. I've also had some very very good friends kick me in the ass when I needed it. It is a long road, and they say it takes approx 2 years for someone to get over a divorce. Friends who have gone through a divorce say it's more like 4 years. So be patient with yourself and realize you're still on the right track. I still have good and bad days, but my bad days are no where as intense as day one, and I'm having more and more good days.

 

I had a thought. Let me know what you think? If I start considering my ex as just a sperm donor, maybe that would help. After all then I wouldn't keep thinking about him so much. My mother always taught me to put others before myself. Maybe she was wrong in some ways. I like taking long hot baths and maybe I could splurge on a pedicure. Never had one. That would certainly be something different.

 

Personally, I think your mother was wrong. You have to take care of yourself FIRST before you can take care of others. You cant give anything to others if you dont have it in the first place. This doesnt mean you have to be completely selfish. It just means dont give away anything you cannot afford. If doing something for others means your going to be stressed, unhappy and unappreciated, then the risk is too high. If doing something for others makes you feel good about yourself (irregardless of how the other receives it), then you're doing something for you! Being nice to people just for the sake of being nice can give you pleasure. But being nice to people because you expect them to appreciate you in return is the wrong reasons for doing something. (My exh needs to learn that lesson)

 

I often think of my exh as asshat. It helps a little, but in the long run it just keeps the anger there. What I strive to aim for is indifference. Trying to stop caring what he does or doesnt do because I have my own separate source of happiness.

 

I _love_ the idea of a pedicure! You've never had one so it's a new adventure. Incidently, I've never had one either... Maybe i will Thanks for the suggestion! But I totally invest myself in the baths. I bought some candles from the dollar store, decorated my bathroom, made it REALLY REALLY GIRLY which my exh would have hated lol

 

 

I did try kayaking last summer. I am terrified of the water but decided to do something that I was afraid of. And I did it. I don't like big waters but small inlets are great. I don't have my own kayak, but my ex sister-in-law has a couple. But she has a new bf and is quite busy. We'll see.

 

How did you feel after trying it? I hope it empowered you just a little! I try and challenge my comfort zone every chance I get. I have anxiety, so I tend to chicken out of a lot of things, but this past year I've challenged myself. It's great to conquer the fears I had and realize they were so far from reality it wasnt funny. I've also retried things I've never liked. Funny thing is, some of the things I really do like now, but because i had one bad experience in the past, i just setup that barrier to never trying again. So definitely experiment!

 

 

See, you are good for me. Got me thinking up a storm already. Maybe I will even shave my head and dress in robes and chant. Just kidding. That is going too far.

 

lol I am soooo tempted to dye my hair pink! I'm going to do it one of these days.

 

I think I will start by cleaning out the old stuff in my house. Maybe a yard sale. Could use the money and the space. H left a lot of stuff behind and says he doesn't want it. So why not?

 

Oh this is an absolute MUST. Start redecorating and moving things around. Buy little nicknacks at the dollar store. Heck, figure out how to make some yourself. Get a canvas/paint from the art store and make some art for your walls. Be a kid again and start having fun.

 

I did go on one of those online dating services. Met a guy from around my area, but he is in antarctica right now. So we spend our time talking online. I think it will help to get to know each other before he comes home in Sept. He is planning on leaving again after that for Greenland. So anyway, I am starting to make friends even if only online.

 

I think this is great! Making new friends is really important. It allows you to realize your own self worth because new people get to know you as the single you, not the wife of asshat. And they LIKE the new single you! They dont know you as the wife of asshat. It's a new start to your new life and you get to redefine it anyway you want.

 

I have yet to start dating myself, but I have talked to a few guys on the online dating sites. (I'm on okcupid, it's free) It's nice to realize that guys are interested in me. Just be careful you dont fall too quickly for the first guy who comes around. Be honest with yourself and make sure you're really interested in this guy because of who he is, not because you want to find "the one" quickly to get back to your timetable of what you expect your life to be. Throw away all your expectations and just be present in the present.

 

I really hope you keep talking with me. I have good days but a lot of bad ones. I think I need someone with a clear head who has been here. My family hates my ex and I can't talk about how I feel around them. They just don't get it.

 

Of course I will! I'm a forum whore lol. And oh how I can relate to the parents thing. I dont talk to my parents anymore about it either, and very few friends. That's why I came online. Besides loveshack, I was on ojar. It was a tremendous help because they had a lot more people going through the same situations as us. It was a little depressing at times tho too because there are so many people going through the same thing. That's why I'm here. It's a little more uplifting and general to all relationships than just divorce.

 

 

Thank you, I feel like you really understand where I am coming from. I just hope I can get to where you are before long. You are an inspiration to me and give me hope that my life can get better. I put so much into this marriage and my ExH for so long, I think I lost the most important person in my life. ME!!!!

 

I have a feeling it wont be too long for you. You are very receptive to advice and you even started brainstorming ideas which is key. I still have my bad days, but things are definitely getting easier and easier. And I refuse to let my sorrow be in vain. As long as i learn something about myself and i improve myself then even the bad experiences in my life was not in vain.

[Trimmer]

hey gypsygal -

 

dgiirl is right on target here - I don't have a lot to add (which is unusual for me ) If you can keep your focus off him (and especially her) and put the focus back on you and your son, you will be looking to the future instead of burdened by the past. As dgiirl points out, grief is a normal, important, and even necessary part of the process - let it in, let it out, experience it... But get past quizzing yourself about "what if" and looking for blame, and especially comparing yourself to her.

 

Like dgiirl, I'm in roughly your situation, although with genders reversed all around. Two kids 7 and 9 now... Somehow, I got to a point of accepting the reality of the situation (with a fair share of denial, anger, and grief along the way) and once I got there, I started to focus on the future. First order of business after getting myself stabilized: the kids. I feel lucky that my ex is a good and loving mother to our kids and that I can trust her in that role. And I think she believes the same about me. And that's a good thing, because even after a divorce, our lives will continue to be connected by our kids, and for the health of our kids, we need to be able to make that work.

 

My primary technique for dealing with this is something that you have started to hit on with your "sperm donor" comment. In my mind, I separate my image of my ex-W into her different character roles - spouse, sexual partner, friend, business partner, parent. I have accepted that my spouse and sexual partner is gone, and for these I grieve, but I focus on accepting the reality, and I don't let myself continue to relive the "what ifs" and looking for blame within myself. Her "friend" character - maybe some day, but it's too soon, and I've definitely taken a break from that - maybe forever. I can't be her confidant, her emotional support, any of that 'friend' stuff right now, and I don't know that she would want it anyway.

 

This leaves business partner and co-parent, and these are characters that I continue to need to deal with (business partners as we split up our assets and debts and do the property settlement, etc.) But the thing is, if I can leave out the dynamics that went with spouse, lover, and friend, and just treat her as business partner and co-parent ONLY, I find that we can get along quite well - even supportively - and I have to imagine this is good for the kids. Or at least better than if we were hostile and obnoxious to each other, right?

 

My kids are very important to me, and doing the right thing for them is a real concern of mine. (Like you, the divorce was not my choice.) It would probably be easier if I could think of her as an evil witch, but I have to maintain a good and supportive relationship with her. When I talk about her with my kids, I have to be genuine and supportive of her role as their parent. I don't have to like or agree with what she did as a spouse, but I do believe that they need both parents, and need to feel like they are not in the middle of any conflict between us. I don't want them to feel like their loyalties are being split.

 

This makes the whole thing harder - it would be nice to send my wife off and say "have a nice life, and I prefer never to see you again", but much as I think that would be a tidy little conclusion for me, I also believe that my kids deserve better, and I intend to deliver. And early on, I had to be careful not to confuse that supportive co-parent role as still being a "connection" with her as friend and spouse. But just as I think this will require even more strength and power for me to recover from this whole thing, I realize that my love for my kids and my commitment to them gives me the extra strength I need and that it's worth it, and part of being a good father to them.

 

I feel like I'm starting to sound almost corny now.... And I didn't mean this to be all about me, me, me, but I wanted to share my experience and add to the great advice dgiirl gave you, with the additional "kids" perspective. Separate your ex-H into his character roles, and admit and accept that his "spouse" character is gone and not coming back. I'm sorry for being brutal, but I'll repeat: his spouse character is gone and not coming back. Now work with his "parent" character like a responsible adult, for the benefit of your child; don't let the spouse-dynamic creep in there, and you can use dgiirl's advice to get on quite nicely with your life, while still providing a healthy environment for your child to grow up within as well.

 

It sounds like you are already working on getting your life and your "self" back - this is a worthy and empowering journey that I am glad to have begun myself. Good luck.

 

(So much for "not a lot to add"... )

[gypsygal44]

dgiirl,

 

Again thanks for the advice. I too, feel like I need a kick in the ass sometimes. My problem with my ExH and my son is that I guess I wanted him to have the kind of father I never really got. My Dad was wonderful but not totally involved in my life. It was more my mother, and still is!! I love her and need her support, but she tends to try to run my life. I have come to realize that I can't change her at her age, so I accept her and just Yes, Yes, Yes her to death.

 

I have to realize now that my ExH will never be the "perfect" father, but her is good to my son and he loves him. At first I was so full of bitterness, anger,sadness and pain that I put my son in the middle and made him choose between us. I am now trying to rectify that. I feel like such a bad mother for doing that. But someone said you can't change the past so fix the future (or something along that line). I try to laugh a lot with my son, even when I feel so bad and want only to crawl in bed and cry for weeks on end.

 

I have stopped asking my son questions concerning my ExH and his gf(s). I have done my best to try to fix the mess I have made with him and I think it is starting to work. We talked about his having fun at his D's and that I am ok with that. I want him to have fun. He was afraid that I would feel that I was losing him also. I reassured him that I know he loves me and nothing will change that. So I am trying.

 

My ExH and I can talk ok when it comes to my son. That is the only time we do talk. He acts like he wants to be friends, but like Trimmer, I am no where near that, if ever. I do not want to remarry or get into any serious relationships right now. But a friend with benefits would be nice after nearly 15 months. I get so lonely.

 

I was suppossed to go to a friends house tonight and hang out but really just wanted a quiet night at home. So took your advice and did something for me for a change. Normally I would have gone and been miserable because I might not have wanted to be there. So thanks!!

 

I feel like I have made a new friend, someone who can sympathize yet give me hell when I need it.

 

I wanted to make her pay so badly. Everyone says let God or karma take care of them but I wanted her to pay NOW!!!! After reading some of the posts on here and talking with you I think I can let that go. She will pay, maybe not here, but in the afterlife. That gives me some comfort. I don't expect to be seeing her when I am gone, she will definitly be somewhere else. That is a major yahoo for me.

 

I really have to get a better paying job and pay up my bills so I can start doing more things with my son. He needs clothes, and things. His F won't help me there. So I now think of myself as a single parent. I am starting to feel prouder of myself, I now know that I can handle most anything coming my way.

 

As you can tell, this is one of my better days. I wasn't even bothered by the rain. Whenever I started to think of him and the past, I just told myself NO! It takes some work but it sure is worth it for my sanity and well being. I am so glad that I found this site. Thanks again. See ya soon.

 

Gypsy

[gypsygal44]

Trimmer,

 

It is nice to get a male perspective on this issue. Sometimes we forget that men have been left also. There just seems more women then men that talk about it. So thank you.

 

I have started putting my son first. It took coming on here to realize that for the past year I have dealt with only my pain. I have been putting my child in the middle. My anger, bitterness and pain made me blind where he was concerned.

 

I thank you for making me open my eyes and see what I was doing. He should and will come first from now on. No more questions about his F and what he is up to. It will also help me put this in the past quicker. I also have been doing something different for me. Whenever I started thinking about him or our life together, I just said NO!!!!!!!! It is taking time and a lot of effort but it worked today. I hope it keeps working.

 

Hope you come back and talk with me more. I like getting feed back from all my new friends on here. I feel like everyone understands what I have been going thru and what I have been feeling. Now is time to move on and get a life for myself, by myself. That is the hardest part I think. I was part of a set for over 20 yrs. Now I am alone, except for my child.

 

Thanks

 

Gypsy

[Lucky4U]

Dear Gypsy,

My first marriage ended after 10 years, I was only 29 and had 3 kids. He took off couldn't locate him for child support. From that experience I knew it would be up to ME if we survived. I worked 2 jobs (1full time & 1part time) and went to college to get my degree. It was NOT easy. (NO support or even kind words from my family either)

But I'll tell you what... I saved money and I bought my own house @ 34. I graduated with an A.S degree @ 36 (deans list student) I did all this because MY family was/is important to ME. I couldn't make his children be important to him. You can't force any man or woman to be caring parent. But you can certainly be the parent that you want to be and the woman that you want to be. Action will get you there. Sign up for some adult education classes or credited courses at your local community college. You will DEFINATELY meet women in the same postion as yourself. Some older, some younger, but all doing the same struggle. Learning is an amazing confidence booster! Get out there and get a job; 2 jobs if you must and then treat yourself to something that makes you feel glamorous and go out! During this process of change and growth you will meet wonderful people that will feed your soul. I'll never forget one classmate that helped me through a tough Biology class(I was thinking of dropping out) She said to me, just picture that you have an angel on your shoulder and you'll get through this. She was right. So ask for your angel Gypsy and get on with taking care of YOU, and your kids.

[dgiirl]

I wanted to make her pay so badly. Everyone says let God or karma take care of them but I wanted her to pay NOW!!!! After reading some of the posts on here and talking with you I think I can let that go. She will pay, maybe not here, but in the afterlife. That gives me some comfort. I don't expect to be seeing her when I am gone, she will definitly be somewhere else. That is a major yahoo for me.

 

Trust me, I know this feeling so so well. But I believe karma works by what you put back into the universe. If you wish ill feelings to someone else, then that's exactly what you will get. If you wish bad karma on someone else, you will get that bad karma. Now, I havent reached the point where I can wish good karma on my exh and her, so what I strive for is just indifference. I dont worry about their karma, only my own. And you will notice a difference. You will see the smallest changes of good happen to you. Embrace them, and nurture them, and I believe more and more good karma will happen to you. That's not to say that nothing bad will ever happen to you, but I believe it will allow you to get through those rough times a lot easier than if you had bad karma. And dont beat yourself up if you slip. I still slip. But by practicing indifference and refocusing my thought process, it becomes easier and easier to recover.

[Sup]

Does OW hubby know about ALL of this, if not, maybe he SHOULD be told, not out of revenge, of course. But, he DOES need to know about ALL the lies going on. He needs to make a decision!

[gypsygal44]

Thanks, I have been thinking of taking some courses. But I am 45 yrs old and feeling everyone of them right now. I know now that I should have been doing all of this for me yrs ago but is it too late now. I put everything I had into being a good wife and mother and its all gone. I don't even know what classes to take. I do have a pt-time job and calling Mon on another pt-time one. Just need it to be active and keep my mind off him , also pay bills. Wish me luck! Gypsy

[gypsygal44]

Sup,

 

I told her H on my 21 Wedding Anniversary when I saw ExH and her together. I figured even tho we were seperated at the time he had more class to be with her on my W Anniversary. Wrong!!! Even tho she continued to state that she was divorced I did some checking with the state and found out she wasn't. Called her H and he said he had known about ExH for about 8-9 months, figured they were only friends since she had so many male friends. I got him proof. I sent him a letter she had sent me (real nasty) also a letter from Ex's lawyer stating she was his gf. Not too bright of him was it? Putting it down in writting from a lawyer. Well, her H has cried and boo hooed but is afraid to lose his children. So he says he loves her and will wait for this to wear itself out. It has been going on for yrs. My Ex says he and her were only friends for the last 5 yrs. I never even knew she existed. Then I talked with her mil. Boy, that was something of an eyeopener. MIL says that she has been doing this kind of thing since they were married 14 yrs. ago. She loves drama and tries to get her H to chase her and get her back. Sick!!!!

What I still can't understand (since she has not filed or left her H) is why she felt the need to help my ExH destroy my family. ExH is totally at fault here but she already had a H and kids, why would she want my life? She even finangled a way for ExH to intro her to my kid. Thought I would sit back and let that happen. I don't think so. Not with everything I had learned about her. So I did not pitch a fit like I had done in past. I just stated that he should give S a chance and some time to get used to it. My Son even prays at mealtime (with me and with F) that Son never sees her again. He hates her, says she is fake and ugly and doesn't want to be with her. My ExH and her decided that that was no fun, since I had no visible reaction (tore my kitchen apart that day since son was with F). Then she writes me another letter telling me to stay away from her and her kids,(I have never even seen her kids), and calling me a Slut. She even accused me of going after her (Ex)H. Still her legal husband. They are very much married and he doesn't seem to care to do anything. His choice. I am already divorced. I don't believe she will ever leave hers. So karma may be coming sooner than either of them think. I bought a book today thinking it might help me. It is about women who love too much and can't let go. Maybe it will help me to finally let go and move on. That is what I desire most in this world right now. Just to put it and him in the past. 21 yrs. is a long time for such a huge change in ones life. It does take time I guess. I just want to get him out of my head.

Thanks to all who give such good advice. I truely am trying to follow it it just seems so hard sometimes. Yesterday was a good day, today not so good. I actually drove by his house to see if he was home. He wasn't so I drove by MIL's and he was there with a couple of strange cars I didn't know who they belonged to. Mind started playing out all kinds of scenerios. God!!!! I want a labotomy right now.

 

Gypsy

[Sup]

Sup,

 

I told her H on my 21 Wedding Anniversary when I saw ExH and her together. I figured even tho we were seperated at the time he had more class to be with her on my W Anniversary. Wrong!!! Even tho she continued to state that she was divorced I did some checking with the state and found out she wasn't. Called her H and he said he had known about ExH for about 8-9 months, figured they were only friends since she had so many male friends. I got him proof. I sent him a letter she had sent me (real nasty) also a letter from Ex's lawyer stating she was his gf. Not too bright of him was it? Putting it down in writting from a lawyer. Well, her H has cried and boo hooed but is afraid to lose his children. So he says he loves her and will wait for this to wear itself out. It has been going on for yrs. My Ex says he and her were only friends for the last 5 yrs. I never even knew she existed. Then I talked with her mil. Boy, that was something of an eyeopener. MIL says that she has been doing this kind of thing since they were married 14 yrs. ago. She loves drama and tries to get her H to chase her and get her back. Sick!!!!

What I still can't understand (since she has not filed or left her H) is why she felt the need to help my ExH destroy my family. ExH is totally at fault here but she already had a H and kids, why would she want my life? She even finangled a way for ExH to intro her to my kid. Thought I would sit back and let that happen. I don't think so. Not with everything I had learned about her. So I did not pitch a fit like I had done in past. I just stated that he should give S a chance and some time to get used to it. My Son even prays at mealtime (with me and with F) that Son never sees her again. He hates her, says she is fake and ugly and doesn't want to be with her. My ExH and her decided that that was no fun, since I had no visible reaction (tore my kitchen apart that day since son was with F). Then she writes me another letter telling me to stay away from her and her kids,(I have never even seen her kids), and calling me a Slut. She even accused me of going after her (Ex)H. Still her legal husband. They are very much married and he doesn't seem to care to do anything. His choice. I am already divorced. I don't believe she will ever leave hers. So karma may be coming sooner than either of them think. I bought a book today thinking it might help me. It is about women who love too much and can't let go. Maybe it will help me to finally let go and move on. That is what I desire most in this world right now. Just to put it and him in the past. 21 yrs. is a long time for such a huge change in ones life. It does take time I guess. I just want to get him out of my head.

Thanks to all who give such good advice. I truely am trying to follow it it just seems so hard sometimes. Yesterday was a good day, today not so good. I actually drove by his house to see if he was home. He wasn't so I drove by MIL's and he was there with a couple of strange cars I didn't know who they belonged to. Mind started playing out all kinds of scenerios. God!!!! I want a labotomy right now.

 

Gypsy

 

Can't blame you for that! Do all of you live in a NO Fault Divorce State? If you don't, you could give OW hubby ALL the proof he needs to get outta there WITH his kids! If you, and him do, there must still be someway he could get the kids, such as being the main support parent (stays home with kids, stay at home dad. Does things with kids like camping, hiking, fishing, etc.). There's GOT to be something he can do, before long it will destroy him, if it hasn't already.

[gypsygal44]

Her H and MIL both told me to have her summonsed to court and make her admit the truth in front of my ExH. My lawyer said that we could only do that if I wanted the D and ExH didn't. So on my end my hands were tied.

 

I always thought it weird that to get married you have to go thru classes (at least in some churches) whereas to get a divorce,only one of you needs want it. The other person has no say in the matter. That totally sucks.

 

I have told her H to call me whenever he wanted to and gave him my number. So far her never has and I don't expect him to. As far as I am concerned he is as much to blame as they are. He knew and did nothing to stop the destruction of my family.

 

I might not have been as blissfully happy as when first married but I still had my family. That was important to me. I have been with no one but ExH since my wedding day. He on other hand has cheated before and I forgave him. I sometimes wonder if he went thru with the D because of pride and now thinks that I could never forgive him. Well, he made this choice and we all must live with it. Everyone from him to a social worker for my son has admitted that he made a lot of lousy choices in the last year. But he said that he would rather be alone for the rest of his life than come back to me. He tried to put all the blame on me, I took it for a long time. Still do sometimes. But I realize he has his own demons to deal with and there is nothing I can do to help him. He will come to realize that I was the best thing to happen or that will probably ever happen in his life. I took all his BS for years. I don't think any other woman will do the same. I called him my grumpy old man for years. Now he really is. Hardly ever smiles or laughs. I sometimes feel sorry for him. He lost more than I did.

 

Gypsy

[tonyp56]

Hello, sorry to hear about your troubles. I don't' really know what to tell you because I am actually going through the same thing, or at least having the same kind of feelings. My wife and I were together for only 11 years total, almost 7 married (separated September 8th, anniversary was on November 3rd). She left me for someone else, and has treated me like I never existed. Our three children are with her, and I get to see them on the weekends, so I've kinda been hit twice, I went from kids and wife to almost nothing at all, except having the kids for a whopping 48 hours every weekend (compared to everyday, all day and night).

 

Anyways, having another love interest doesn't help that much, after two months of being told I wasn't wanted, I started seeing someone else--hey, she left me, and was living with someone else--anyways, yes it does take most of the lonely feelings away, but it also confuses you even more than before. Because you are questioning things like "whats the point, my ex was "THE ONE" and she left me, the new one will too...there isn't any such thing as true love, nothing last forever, etc..." And I also had to figure out that my ex and I were together for 11 years and my new girlfriend and I have only been together for a few months and the love I feel for my new GF won't be as deep as it was for my ex. So, not to say "No don't find anyone else" just be warned, it is very complicated to be in this situation and take on someone new. I have to say, I do love my new girlfriend, and after months of being together, I still say that, it is just very hard to juggle everything else along with showing your new BF/GF love and affection.

 

About a month ago I filed for divorce, my soon to be ex had "talked to a lawyer, and she'll get back with me in a few days" back in February, and my soon to be ex informed me on the 28th day of being late that she was late making the van payment on the van that is (was now) in both of our names, and that she could no longer afford the van and she was thinking of "letting it go back". To which I replied, "you can't it will ruin our credit" and she was like "only for 7 years":rolleyes: Anyways I refinanced the van and have that taken care of, but I've already got 1 30 days late payment on my credit, better than having it re pod though. So I borrowed $900 from family for a retainer and filed for divorce. I decided I had had enough, and I didn't want to deal any longer.

 

She quit her job making $12+ an hour, and now is making $7.25 an hour, she and her new man recently moved to another city about 20 miles from me, where her rent is now over $400 a month (mine is only $305.50). And I figured I'd better hurry up and get it taken care of so she would stop blaming me for her problems. I've given her money, she got the entire $5000+ tax return that was filed as a joint return, and she left me with our bills and debts--for the exception of the van until recently. I have offered child support, and have paid, along with watching our kids so she can run around, go to Dallas, and other places.

 

Anyways, my point is, I too think of my ex a lot, and it is easy for others to tell you not to think of your ex, the truth is, don't try to take such a large leap. Take it day by day, step by step, find something to help you pass time, hobby, job, whatever, and just live each day the best you can. You can't go from thinking of your ex husband everyday to not thinking of him at all, and if you try, you will find that you only think of him more.

 

The truth is, your marriage is over, the man you married no longer exists, and the life that you had/want can never be with him. You have to re-invent yourself, re-discover who YOU are, without him. You can't do it over night, it will take time. Give in a little--in other words, don't fight so hard, take a deep breath and do it one step at a time.

 

 

Good luck and I am sure you will find happiness again.

 

Tony

[Lucky4U]

Gypsy, ever hear of a career change? There is lots of value in being a woman that is commited to her family; relate it to the woman who devotes her time working hard for a company for 20 or more years and the company closes down. The inital impact is devastating indeed. But think for a minute. You are ONLY 45! You certainly have alot of living to do yet. You would fit right in with a Community College program/Adult continuing Education. It is men and woman at your age (and OLDER) brushing up and learning new skills due to "career changes".

Don't know what classes to take? Call up and ask to speak with an advisor. They will help you in selecting the classes that may interest you. What do you like to do? Cook? Travel? There are so many options. Don't say 45 is "too old". Visit any college campus, men and woman are getting degrees and they're in their 60's! What better way to meet new people, keep yourself busy and reap the rewards of an education. And hey, there maybe a cute looking fellow student that may need some study tips, or maybe you need a few tips from him?

[gypsygal44]

Tony,

 

What I don't understand is how can men just go out and grab someone new and feel that it is love? What about the love that got a H and W together in the first place? My ExH never gave me a chance to work on our marriage. He talked to his OW, when it was my marriage and my family.

 

You are right. My marriage is over. My H is gone and will never be coming back, even if he wanted. Because I really would never trust him again, with affairs or with my heart. He hurt me too deeply. Things he said and did this past year. He deliberatly went out of his way to destroy any left over feelings between us. NOW he wants to be friends. Not right now. I can not handle that.

 

One day at a time is good advice. I still have my good and my bad days. I recently bought a book called "Women who love too much". About women who are into addictive relationships and even when they end the women do what ever they can to stay in them. I can see myself in that book. So I am going to try not to see him, call him, talk with him or drive by his house. Maybe everyone's advice on working on myself is right. Having made that decision, I already feel lighter inside. Now comes the hard part of sticking with it.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. It can not be easy. You sound like a very caring father. I wish you luck and happiness.

 

Gypsy

[gypsygal44]

Lucky,

 

I guess sometimes I just feel old and used up. I am working on that. I have a chance at another pt-time job working with the elderly. Hopefully I can still keep the job I have now, since I only work 1 night a week and weekends.

 

I have been thinking of going back to school. I am very good at typing and data entry. So maybe that is the way to go. I type 60-70 wpm without a mistake. I don't think I would want to be a secretary though. Data entry might be the way to go. Something different all the time. I would be good at it.

 

My most difficult task right now is working on my self esteem. I feel so old, wrinkled and ugly. Not to mention fat. I have started walking, then will also work on eating more nutritionally. It could help my son,too.

 

Acceptance that my marriage and dreams for that life are over has been the hardest part of all this. It will tear me apart when I finally see my ExH with a new love. I realize that it probably won't bother him to see me with someone else, since he has already moved on. His MOW can't be with him, maybe that's what he's looking for right now. No responsibilities. He is a weekend dad and has left me with all the problems and bills. He is definitely not the man I married 20 yrs ago. He might as well have died. Maybe he did. Is this MLC?

 

Gypsy

[Lucky4U]

Dear Gypsy,

Congrats to you for taking action in caring for yourself; eating right and taking walks. Exercise is great for reducing stress and feeling better overall. Walk everyday, and you will feel and SEE the difference.

Maintaining a healthy lifestyle will help you get through the bad days, your still healing. Do you go to counseling or have you since your breakup?

You are still so young (45 IS young) Your mantra should be healing yourself, body & soul; becoming a strong woman and taking care of your son.

Your previous married life, that is over. You have a new life to explore and develop. Your best revenge is being HAPPY! Believe me, it works!

[Sup]

Hello, sorry to hear about your troubles. I don't' really know what to tell you because I am actually going through the same thing, or at least having the same kind of feelings. My wife and I were together for only 11 years total, almost 7 married (separated September 8th, anniversary was on November 3rd). She left me for someone else, and has treated me like I never existed. Our three children are with her, and I get to see them on the weekends, so I've kinda been hit twice, I went from kids and wife to almost nothing at all, except having the kids for a whopping 48 hours every weekend (compared to everyday, all day and night).

 

Anyways, having another love interest doesn't help that much, after two months of being told I wasn't wanted, I started seeing someone else--hey, she left me, and was living with someone else--anyways, yes it does take most of the lonely feelings away, but it also confuses you even more than before. Because you are questioning things like "whats the point, my ex was "THE ONE" and she left me, the new one will too...there isn't any such thing as true love, nothing last forever, etc..." And I also had to figure out that my ex and I were together for 11 years and my new girlfriend and I have only been together for a few months and the love I feel for my new GF won't be as deep as it was for my ex. So, not to say "No don't find anyone else" just be warned, it is very complicated to be in this situation and take on someone new. I have to say, I do love my new girlfriend, and after months of being together, I still say that, it is just very hard to juggle everything else along with showing your new BF/GF love and affection.

 

About a month ago I filed for divorce, my soon to be ex had "talked to a lawyer, and she'll get back with me in a few days" back in February, and my soon to be ex informed me on the 28th day of being late that she was late making the van payment on the van that is (was now) in both of our names, and that she could no longer afford the van and she was thinking of "letting it go back". To which I replied, "you can't it will ruin our credit" and she was like "only for 7 years":rolleyes: Anyways I refinanced the van and have that taken care of, but I've already got 1 30 days late payment on my credit, better than having it re pod though. So I borrowed $900 from family for a retainer and filed for divorce. I decided I had had enough, and I didn't want to deal any longer.

 

She quit her job making $12+ an hour, and now is making $7.25 an hour, she and her new man recently moved to another city about 20 miles from me, where her rent is now over $400 a month (mine is only $305.50). And I figured I'd better hurry up and get it taken care of so she would stop blaming me for her problems. I've given her money, she got the entire $5000+ tax return that was filed as a joint return, and she left me with our bills and debts--for the exception of the van until recently. I have offered child support, and have paid, along with watching our kids so she can run around, go to Dallas, and other places.

 

Anyways, my point is, I too think of my ex a lot, and it is easy for others to tell you not to think of your ex, the truth is, don't try to take such a large leap. Take it day by day, step by step, find something to help you pass time, hobby, job, whatever, and just live each day the best you can. You can't go from thinking of your ex husband everyday to not thinking of him at all, and if you try, you will find that you only think of him more.

 

The truth is, your marriage is over, the man you married no longer exists, and the life that you had/want can never be with him. You have to re-invent yourself, re-discover who YOU are, without him. You can't do it over night, it will take time. Give in a little--in other words, don't fight so hard, take a deep breath and do it one step at a time.

 

 

Good luck and I am sure you will find happiness again.

 

Tony

 

Tony, I hate to say it man, but from what I read from your post, your wife IS messing you over BAD! She's gonna see about a lawyer? She's checking into HER rights, NOT yours. You need to see a lawyer about YOUR rights and getting custody of YOUR kids, why? Because SHE abandoned the family NOT you. She's also messing up everything, credit, etc. Why should YOU pay for HER running around?! Why should YOU pay for HER troubles. Like I say, find out about YOUR rights concerning HER ABANDONMENT, you might be surprised how many rights YOU have. Laterz.

[gypsygal44]

L ucky,

 

Somedays 45 feels ancient. I realize I have a problem with letting go. I am going to look in to counceling for myself. I have to and I want to move on. For my sake as well as my sons.

 

My son broke his glasses today and had to take him to the nearest city to get them fixed. Of course, I was low on gas and the only person other than my Ex that I know of in that city happens to work where he does. So I stopped to borrow gas money and she didn't have any. So Ex walks out and asks what we are doing there. So have to beg money from him, told him I would send it down Friday with son.

 

Anyway, he knew where we were going. I got gas and then proceeded over to the office. When I got there he was already there. We looked for him at office, no where to be seen. Assumed he was working. But after son and I went to Burger King for lunch, we went back because Ex was acting weird.

 

What do we see but his van and her car. Then her car with them both in it took off as if they were afraid of me. Why, I don't get violent, we are divorced. Who are they hiding from if not her husband?

 

I am not going to do anything. I am not going to tell her H that I saw them. He already knows and is doing nothing. My marriage is over. I know she will expect me to tell her H but I think I will just let her stew while she wonders when it will happen.

 

I agree about karma. They will both get theirs. I don't have to do anything. She will not leave H or she would have by now. It has been over a year and she hasn't yet. My ExH knew and didn't care. So they deserve each other. What po's me is that he knew where we were going and that they had planned to meet there for lunch. They both have cell phones he could've called her and met somewhere else. Rubbing my nose in it.

 

I came home feeling stupid,ugly, rejected, unloved, the whole gambit. I went outside and mowed lawn, weed wacked and planted a new tree. Kept active and busy. Felt somewhat better. After supper my son wanted to go back outside and work. Feel much better, esp. sleepy.

 

I know deep in my soul that he does still love me, and that someday he will come to regret his choice. He has already said he has made a lot of bad choices this past year. My best revenge would be to let them have each other as they both are cheaters, liars, and mean cruel people. I do deserve so much better. You are right!!!!

 

I just want to put the past behind me and forget it. Move on and get happy. That is such a hard, long row to hoe. I know by this time next year I will be free of it all. Just make it through this year.

 

Gypsy

[Lucky4U]

Dear Gypsy, I saw this man (Joel Osteen) on the "Today" show last week. I picked up his book tonight. I've only gotten through the first chapter and I REALLY like what he says. It is so true. I would be happy to send you a copy, I think you would benefit as much as I.

I'm sorry for what you went through today. You know you deserve alot better; You will get through this... Keep up the weed wacking!

If you are comfortable with my offer please e-mail me: [email protected]

[ElectricityCity]

WOW - what a great response to this thread. So many supportive people on here for you. I know you must feel horrible having to go through all of this. It's really a tough situation but not one many of us haven't experienced ourselves. The hardest issue is being dumped by someone and being treated like the way your ex has treated you. It's not fair, it hurts like hell, it's painful, it's emotionally draining, and everything else you're having to deal with is sucking the life out of you. Take things one day at a time. Focus on what YOU need to do to get yourself in a healthier state of mind. If you can get to feeling better then you will see things in a totally different way. If you're depressed and drained - you won't be able to function.

 

Keep the focus on your boys - not your ex. You're ex is gonna get what's coming to him on down the road. You are wasting days and part of your life pining over him when it will get you no where. Fix yourself up. Remember Ivana Trump? She got herself together and her motto was "Looking good is the best revenge".

 

Nothing gets the attention of an ex quicker than when you seem to be moving on with your life and looking & acting like a million bucks. Do it even if you have to fake it. Tell yourself you gotta get back up and go on with your life. As long as you let him suck the life out of you - you're still giving him all your power.

 

Do you want him to keep sucking the life out of you or do you want your power back? It's up to you to decide. Pick yourself up out of the ditch and march on little ant - be a victor - not a victim.