Divorced but can't move on

[gypsygal44]

Lucky,

 

I too have picked up a self help book. It is called "Women who love too much". Boy, I do see myself in there. I don't deal with alcholism or any of that but just the reactions and ways these women deal with rejection and pain, I can see myself. I always thought I was one tough cookie but this last year gave me a double whammy. I still miss my dad horribly.

 

Yesterday taught me something about my EXH. He is one big a--hole. I do deserve much better. When I got home I talked with a friend on the internet (he is from around here and is in antarctica right now working). He made me feel better just in the short while we talked. We plan on getting together in Aug when he gets home. I only have three months to get myself together.

 

I have a feeling that my ExH and his mgf (married gf) planned to meet there all along, they could have changed places to meet. But wanted to rub salt in the wound. More power to them. It actually made me furious to think they did this to me. I was feeling friendlier towards him until this. Now I am having many mixed feelings. My son does come first. My ExH says that my son always did. I realize my mistakes in this relationship but he won't truely be happy until he realizes his. I know that. I get a small amount of satisfaction from that. Most people want me to be a class act and give them my blessings. BS I am sorry but I guess I ain't a class act after all. I want them to bleed pain for a long time. I don't even have to do anything because of their own situation. Unless she leaves her H they aren't really together. It is just talking and sex. Wow, what a relationship!!!!

 

I have come to realize I want more than that. I need more than that. I am going to get more than that. Can you tell that today is a better day than yesterday? Hope tomorrow is even better.

Gypsy

[gypsygal44]

ElCity,

 

I see where you are coming from. I agree. I am thinking of going back to school so I can get a better job and have better opportunities. My son does come first. My Ex says that my son always did. That I never wanted sex...yada yada yada! Just more of his excuses for his own choices and behavior. I am looking out for me and my son from now on. My ExSIL has been counceling me to get along with EX for sons sake. I try. Than he pulls a s*** act like yesterday.

 

I am trying to pay bills and don't have extra for hair and manicures right now. My hair is thin and I never can do much with it. I used to wear make up and my EXH always liked me better without it, so am trying to experiment with it again. Only I know I don't take the time it requires for myself. That is something I was never taught. So it is coming a bit harder for me. I always feel selfish.

 

I worked in my yard yesterday and it did make me feel better. There is a part of me that wishes I could move away and start over where I would not run into them anymore. But that is just running away. I can't do it financially anyway. My family is here, too.

 

I was looking thru my wedding album yesterday and realized that those two people are gone forever. It is sad but a good realization for me. Sometimes I wonder if I ever really knew my EXH. I know he didn't know me because he still doesn't know what I like. My 11 yr. old son knows more of my likes and dislikes than him. That is very, very telling about my EXH. He will keep repeating this pattern until he realizes he lost the very best thing in his life. ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I thought yesterday of all the millions of people this happens to and I realized I wasn't alone. This site helps alot, maybe more than some people realize. It keeps me grounded and thinking more of myself and not dwelling on him. I think I can finally let go and move on. I just wish he would move on out of my head. That will come, too, in time.

 

Thanks for the advice. I have gotten so much good advice on here from so many caring people. Sometimes when you are going thru something like this you tend to feel isolated and alone. It is nice to connect with so many caring friends.

 

Gypsy

[dgiirl]

Gypsy, I'm glad to see you're doing better! Keep it up. It does take time to stop thinking about everything, but the more you practice refocusing your thoughts the easier it becomes. And start replacing those thoughts of him, with a positive internal dialog of things about you. Start building your own self confidence back up. It might sound cheesy, but give yourself compliments and be your own best friend. After all, the only one we'll spend every moment of our entire lives with is us, so we might as well get along with us no?

 

As for being a class act, you already are. I dont see someone who wishes another well as a class act. Sure, that would be nice, but who the hell can do that? lol A class act is someone who doesnt seek revenge, knows their own self worth, and walks away gracefully. Someone who doesnt resort to lowering themselves. Being angry is part of being human, you cant just let the anger go, but you can direct that anger in positive ways. And you seem to be doing all of the above! Be proud of yourself!

[gypsygal44]

dgiirl,

 

Welcome back, its been a while. Thanks for all the nice things you said. It does mean a lot to hear them. It has been so long since I have heard nice things from anyone. Oh, I wanted revenge alright. But early on I came to see that everytime I did or said something to hurt them, it only ended up hurting me. So I am going to let karma, God or whatever take care of them. I don't see them ever being happy. Because they are not happy in themselves. That's what I am aiming at. Happiness within myself.

 

Sometimes though it would be nice if someone would just flirt with me or something. Although it has been so many years since anyone has flirted with me, I probably would miss it unless they hit me over the head with a frying pan and said "hey, I am flirting with you."

 

I really appreciate all the advice everyone is giving. Sometimes family and friends have good intentions but their advice doesn't help. So thanks again. Can you tell today is a good day. Hope tomorrow is better.

 

Gypsy

[dgiirl]

Very well said. You really do have to aim for that happiness within! And trust me, as soon as you get it, you'll be having the guys flirting with you like crazy. And then that will cause a whole bunch of other issues lol What I did in the beginning was just start to smile at people, young/old men/women. Just smile and you'll start to see people smile back at you. That helped me a lot because I had stopped looking at people for a long time. I was just closed up in my own little world of anxiety and didnt really notice things around me. Once I started to pay attention, I think I became more approachable to people around me. I still havent started dating yet. I have such huge anxiety when the thought of it pops into my head, but I'm taking my time and I realize there's no rush. Live in the moment, work on yourself and good things will come. And like you, i havent had anyone flirt with me in ages and can be pretty dense. I'm always second guessing myself. But I think the more you start to see yourself as a happy single person, you start to open yourself up and more and more guys will start to see your attractiveness. It's all about confidence.

[gypsygal44]

dgiirl,

 

I think that is my biggest hurdle to overcome. The seeing myself as a single person again. I have been a part of a couple for most of my life. Whoa! That is a big jump for me and I am scared to death. How long have you been single again? I don't really want to date again just yet but I am so lonely and want companionship (not to mention SEX).

 

I really do have to start working on me. I don't take good care of myself. I don't really work on my hair. My friends keep after me about it. The OW is totally different than me. She keeps her hair and makeup looking good and wears sexy clothes.

 

I am overweight and feel unattractive. Last summer I lost 30 lbs. (put it baack on this winter). I really felt attractive and sexy. Not that I made much headway with guys because I was still hooked on EX. Now though, it might be different. I want to start slowly by walking and than try running. I have a friend who runs 5-10 miles a day. Not my speed yet.

 

I feel so uplifted sometimes just talking with everyone on here. I can't believe the caring that comes from everyone. I am looking for a second pt-time job to help pay my bills, maybe I will be so busy I won't have time to sit around moping. Wish me luck.

 

Gypsy

[dgiirl]

Seeing yourself single definitely takes time. I picture it as a rebirth, shedding my old married skin, and reclaiming my new single skin. It takes time to lose old habits and learn how to walk again. My exh left on valentines day of 2005, so it's been about 15 months now? When I was married, I had started to let myself go as well. I had a lot of noise from my exh on how to dress, and how i wasnt in shape, and basically anytime I did something, i became unmotivated because i would hear his voice inside my head. But this is a perfect time to start focusing on you and getting back into shape. God knows we have enough time now! It's so damn lonely lol But I would suggest you make a promise to yourself to just go for a walk every single day! Dont worry too much about losing the weight, just start making some healthy changes to fill up that spare time we've got. And at night, just put some music on, and relax in the tub or do your hair or nails or whatever. Just girly things to fill the time. You just have to do things to break out of the depression. It's definitely hard work, but you can do it. I read in one of the self help books I read that now's the time to do things even if we dont FEEL like it. Many times we dont feel like doing something because of the depression, but after we do it, we're really glad we went. So even tho you dont feel like it right now, you have to get out and do it. And you'll start to see you have a lot more energy to do things.

 

And good luck on the second job

[gypsygal44]

dgiirl,

 

The problem with seeing myself single is that I was married in a church, sanctioned by God and it takes one judge to nullify all of that. The marriage contract is the one contract between two people that can be null and void if only one wants out. That doesn't seem right somehow. What happened to marriage in this country?

 

You read about celebrities getting divorced all the time, more and more local divorces are happening. God, I just don't understand how people can just give up like that.

 

Why is it that if something is good for you it has to hurt so dam bad?

 

I read about the crab. Oh my god, that was hysterical. I guess you can find something funny in most anything. Notice I said most anything. There is definetly nothing funny in our situations.

 

I am trying not to show my pain, anger and all the rest in front of my son. He is so fiercely loyal to me that I am afraid it will destroy his relationship with his father. He already is talking about when he is 12 that he does not want to go to his fathers anymore. I asked him if it was because of me and what happened between his F and me and he said no.

He says it is because of what his F did to both of us. By leaving and taking up with another woman.

 

I did not tell him about the OW. His F made sure that we both met her. Sick, right? Then he tries to shove her down his sons' throat. My son is very very angry at his father. I don't know if I should keep making him go to his fathers or let him make up his own mind. What do you think?

 

I try to keep him active now, outside working. We laugh and play a lot. He complains that his F doesn't go fishing anymore or do anything but sit in front of the TV. Gee, that sounds familiar. I guess he is missing his MOW. My son says his F acts depressed and lovesick. I just don't care anymore. I really don't. I wish I could feel sorry for the a-hole but I guess I should just give him a quarter to call someone who cares.

 

Gypsy

[gypsygal44]

Well, it has been a little while since I came on here so to update. My son is at his F's this weekend. I usually call everynight by 8. This weekend I decided not to call him at his F's. He was a bit upset at first but I think he can handle it.

 

It makes it easier on me. I find I am not constantly thinking of ExH. He is always at the back of my mind but I push him away. I have come to realize that it is OVER and there is nothing I can do to change that or him. I have done some reading on women who love too much and I see us in there.

 

I did try to control him and our lives. He was right there. But he was not there for me emotionally or to support me. Maybe someone else can give him what he needs and I can have someone in my life that is a supportive partner. He needed me, too make decisions and direct our lives but then he met her and found that he resented me for the very thing that drew him to me in the first place.

 

I am trying to look in the mirror and tell myself that I am beautiful every morning. It feels fake but am going to keep doing it until I believe it. I see a lot of my grandmother in me and she was beautiful so maybe there is hope for me yet. I am working on my weight because of my diabetes. I want to keep it under control.

 

Til next time. Have a great Memorial Day everyone.

Gypsy

[stillafool]

Dear Gypsy,

My first marriage ended after 10 years, I was only 29 and had 3 kids. He took off couldn't locate him for child support. From that experience I knew it would be up to ME if we survived. I worked 2 jobs (1full time & 1part time) and went to college to get my degree. It was NOT easy. (NO support or even kind words from my family either)

But I'll tell you what... I saved money and I bought my own house @ 34. I graduated with an A.S degree @ 36 (deans list student) I did all this because MY family was/is important to ME. I couldn't make his children be important to him. You can't force any man or woman to be caring parent. But you can certainly be the parent that you want to be and the woman that you want to be. Action will get you there. Sign up for some adult education classes or credited courses at your local community college. You will DEFINATELY meet women in the same postion as yourself. Some older, some younger, but all doing the same struggle. Learning is an amazing confidence booster! Get out there and get a job; 2 jobs if you must and then treat yourself to something that makes you feel glamorous and go out! During this process of change and growth you will meet wonderful people that will feed your soul. I'll never forget one classmate that helped me through a tough Biology class(I was thinking of dropping out) She said to me, just picture that you have an angel on your shoulder and you'll get through this. She was right. So ask for your angel Gypsy and get on with taking care of YOU, and your kids.

 

 

I agree with this. Keep yourself as busy as possible improving yourself. You may want to start by exercising 30 min. day. You will be surprised how that will start to lift your spirits. As you feel your body getting stronger so will your mind. Good Luck!

[Gunny376]

It is my belief that we're not human beings having a spiritual experience ~ but that we're spiritual beings having a human experience ~ and that this world ~ this life ~ is nothing more than just a big cosmic classroom for us to learn and grow as spiritual beings and that when we die ~ we return to our true orginal state of being.

 

With that said ~ I wouldn't look so much upon all of this as anything more than what it is ~ a lesson that was put there for you to learn and grow from spiritually ~ as a spiritual being.

 

It took me a long, long, and I do mean a really long time to learn and comprehend that lesson ~ but once I did ~ it really/ un-complicated my life ~ and put things into perspective. And, my divorce was the cathlyist to that. It allowed me to let go of pre-conceived notions of what life is and is all about. Its about caring and giving to other people, loving, children, family ~ and not about literally killing yourself to live the lifestyle of the rich and famous. Material wealth ~ nor possessions, riches and fame, etc. And, it sure as Hell isn't just about sex. Personally, I view people that are literally "caught ~ up" in all of that ~ as being "base" They're ruining their lives, stressing themselves out, destroying their marriages ~ all to seek someting that isn't there and that is never fully attainable.

 

Your husband is going to weap the whirlwind for what he has sown. Based upon my experience ~ I wouldn't date a woman who's been divorce less than a year ~ preferablly two ~ because from you own experience ~ this isn't something you just pick yourself up and walk away from ~ as though you'd had just fallen off a bike.

 

God? God's not going to leave you "hanging". He may not always give us what we want ~ but He will give us what we need. And, oftentimes ~ some of His greatest blessings ~ are un-answered prayers. You're on a wonderful journey ~ and in all your troubles and sorrows, trials and tribulations ~ its hard for you to see that ~ NOW ~ but there will come a day in your life when you're going to look back and just laugh at it all.

 

You're going to learn some valubable "life-lessons" along the way ~ you're going to grow and become a stronger person ~ stronger than you've ever been before in your life. Your going to meet some wonderful people in your life, people that you don't even know ~ that may be in your life for only a second ~ who in passing may pass a long a simple gem of wisdom ~ that one small piece ~ that you need to take that next step ~ when you'lve fallen and honestly believe in your heart and in your mind you absolutely cannot go another step farther.

 

Usually, when we lose a husband/wife/lover ~ its because we had to go through them, to be with them, to prepare ourselves for the one to come ~ so that we can recognize them, and apprecicate them once they come into our lives ~ whereas before we wouldn't have given them the time of day. But, because of our life experiences ~ we NOW can see them for the true gems that they are.

 

Its entirely possible that you and your husband may one day get back together ~ I've known more than one couple that have been completely separated for years ~ that got back together. It happens.

[gypsygal44]

I think we all need to be reminded of the divine blessings in our lives from time to time. Thank you. I do believe that we are here to learn lessons but sometimes you just feel like asking Why me? I have my good days and my bad days. Yesterday I worked extra hours because I couldn't stand to be alone yet again. So today I went to visit with a friend and we talked about our lives and how much they have changed over the last year.

 

I do feel that my ExH is going thru a MLC. I think she is just a means to make himself feel good and feel the way we used to before life got in the way. I know in my heart that he still loves me and will come to regret this decision of his. He is very stubborn and may never admit it to me much less to himself. I do know that he will not end up with his little bit of trash. She won't leave her family. This is all a game for her. They are both looking for something missing in their lives. Not caring who gets hurt in the process.

 

My biggest fear is that I won't be able to trust again. I am so scared. I guess that is one reason I have let myself go lately. I am scared and therefore do not want to attract attention to myself. My self esteem took quite a beating this past year. I know that is where I have to start my journey back. NC is helping.

 

Gypsy

[Gunny376]

The worse enemy ~ I've had in all of this was myself! I conjured up all kinds of demons! "Would have's" "Could haves!" "Should of have!"

 

The first thing you need to do ~ is QUIT beating yourself up!

[gypsygal44]

I realize this but it is difficult to do. Especially when he continues to blame me for everything instead of looking to what he has done. As long he does not take responsibility for his part then I am continuing with NC. Of course his whore is blameless in all of this, too. He tells my son that I mistreated him (ExH). What does that mean?

 

 

He is a controlling person. He can't control his own life (it is way out of control) so he has always tried to control me and now my son. I hope he learns not to do this before he throws his relationship with his son away like he did ours.

 

My son comes home from his F's with a horrible rash everytime. He sees the doc. today, but I think it is mostly nerves. He and his father get into terrible arguements every weekend they are together. Two strong minded, stubborn people. Neither will give.

 

I am seriously considering getting some counseling for myself. To help me get on with my life. I have been together with someone else for over 24 yrs. Married 21 and together 3 years before that. So I think I got lost in there somewhere. Maybe that is ExH problem now too. But I am looking within and he looked outside.

 

Gypsy