FeelingUnloved23 Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 First off, I'd like to thank everybody who reads this post and offers advice. I'm having a trust issue with my boyfriend. I recently found out that he cheated on his ex right before we got together. It was actually more than just cheating. He held two full-fledge relationships with two different woman for close to 6 months. Neither knew about each other. I found out about this on my own (he didn't openly tell me). He now insists that he didn't care about them and he was stupid and doesn't know why he did it. He also insists that he didn't sleep with both of them in the same week (which I don't believe for a second). What makes me so upset is that this man was 27 when he did this (he's now 28) ... he wasn't young and immature ... he knew exactly what he was doing. He was in a 5-year relationship in his late teens / early twenties and was cheated on. He knows how much it hurts ... so why would he do this? And, more importantly, I'm afraid that he's going to do it to me because it was so easy for him to do, he felt no guilt and didn't get caught by either of them ... Any suggestions? Does anyone believe "once a cheater, always a cheater?" ... Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 I don't believe in the saying, "Once a cheater always a cheater." because I do think people can change, but they have to want to. However, you already stated you don't belive some of the things he has said. So theres no trust there obviously. You might want to rethink why you are with him. JMO. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 I don't believe in that phrase, however, for some men, it is true. It is all about if they learned from their mistakes. My SO (36) told me a story about a girlfriend he had in his early 20s. He wasn't all that into her, but he stayed with her because she was so good to him. He ended up cheating on her and she found out about it. He said he felt so bad because he knew how bad it hurt her and he saw how much she struggled to beleive his lies. He said he never cheated since for one reason he couldn't stand the horrible sick feeling he got from hurting another person who didn't deserve it, even though he wasn't in love with her. Some men learn, some don't. I'd say, if he didn't feel any remorse, then there isn't any hope for him!! JMO Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 Did each of the girls in the other relationships reasonably believe they were exclusive? Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingUnloved23 Posted May 18, 2006 Author Share Posted May 18, 2006 Did each of the girls in the other relationships reasonably believe they were exclusive? Yes! This is why is frightens me so much. I suspected something odd about his past. There was just so many things telling me he was lying about things. I found email addresses to these girls and emailed them (this wasn't my proudest moment ... but I had to know) ... He finally admitted it to me ... Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 I believe *once a cheater always a cheater* is true as long as the cheater is in denial of their issues that lead them to cheat and refuse to address them. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 "Once a cheater, always a cheater," I think, applies to specific relationships. Sure, there are guys who cheat on everyone. But situations are different. Just because he cheated on her doesn't mean that he will cheat on you. Are you sure you're not looking for reasons not to trust him because you found out he cheated on someone else? We've all done stupid things in our past. You have to give him a chance. Huge risk, I know, and very scary. You have to decide if he's worth the risk. Link to post Share on other sites
basscatcher Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 I don't agree with 'Once a cheater always a cheater" label either. Some people DO learn from their mistakes. As for your man. My best guess is---based on a opinion I have of two people I know-- Your man wasn't getting what he needed from either women to complete the relationsihp. Each woman had half of what he wanted; each woman on the opposite side of his needs; and together he was getting his wants and needs met. How I come up with this assumption is with my own situation: I know two men. Each is a good man and has qualities and characteristics I want in a man. But, each of these two men lack majorly qualities that I want and need to make him fullfilling in my life. One has interpersonal communication skills, is affectionate, is very growth motivated, helps me grow as a person, his knowledge about life is well rounded. But he lacks being attentitve. He will go aloof for weeks without a word, he is secretive about his occupation and family. He is a very private man. The other is laid back, attentitive in calling and getting together, he is very open about his occupation and family. He is very social about his life but he lacks being affectionate, he doesn't have interpersonal relationship skills and he tends to blow off serious matters. If you look at the two combined they would meet all my wants and needs. * interpersonal communication skills * laid back * social * in touch * knowledgeable * affectionate * growth motivated * attentitive * open and honest ---I personally don't want to use these two men to fullfill my needs. If I do get involved with either of them it would be on a one-to-one basis. Truth be told I have been involved with both these men. Not at the same time.. They both lack areas I need in a relationship. Juggling them is unfair to them and to myself. I think one of them has more potential to come around and compromise on a relationship but I'm not going to hold out hope he and I will ever be together again. I can't but wish... I will date someone else entirely if a man came along that I found appealing and has the balance I need and want in a mate. I am currently single and I'm not playing with either of these men. Because I respect myself and them. I've been the cheated and the cheater in previous relationships. I chose to never cheat again back in 1993. I couldn't live with what I had done. I was losing my mind with guilt, remorse, disgust with myself, condemnation of self. I seriously wished I was dead.... I knew I did wrong and I had a hard time living because of it. I sought out counceling for it and it took me 3 years to finally forgive myself. Also, I filed for divorce years later because I came to terms with the fact I was living a lie and I was only staying in my marriage because of co-dependancy. People do change. People do make mistakes. I think your bf is afraid to be without a woman on his arm and if one woman does'nt have the qualities he needs and wants in that woman he will have another with those qualities that the first one lacks.. IMHO Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 First off, I'd like to thank everybody who reads this post and offers advice. I'm having a trust issue with my boyfriend. I recently found out that he cheated on his ex right before we got together. It was actually more than just cheating. He held two full-fledge relationships with two different woman for close to 6 months. Neither knew about each other. I found out about this on my own (he didn't openly tell me). He now insists that he didn't care about them and he was stupid and doesn't know why he did it. He also insists that he didn't sleep with both of them in the same week (which I don't believe for a second). What makes me so upset is that this man was 27 when he did this (he's now 28) ... he wasn't young and immature ... he knew exactly what he was doing. He was in a 5-year relationship in his late teens / early twenties and was cheated on. He knows how much it hurts ... so why would he do this? And, more importantly, I'm afraid that he's going to do it to me because it was so easy for him to do, he felt no guilt and didn't get caught by either of them ... Any suggestions? Does anyone believe "once a cheater, always a cheater?" ... I'D BREAK UP WITH HIM...IF YOU CANT TRUST HIM CHANCES ARE YOU'LL NEVER TRUST HIM Link to post Share on other sites
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