X-Wife, Kids then...Me

[Lyndsay]

I have been seeing this guy for a year now. In the beginning everything was great. He called me all the time 4 -5 times a day, picked me up from work we were together all the time. He still to this day tells me he loves me, more than anything and that he has been waiting all his life for someone like me. It goes his dad, his kids, then me on a level of importance (not once did he mention "X"). Then..... reality sets in. The closer we got and the more serious it got... I could see him get scared. I would ask him if he wanted it over and he always told me no he loved me, but that he was confused and felt like he was screwed no matter what he did. After some seroious conversation I found out that his X-Wife wanted to try again with him. He has 2 great kids and I have one little girl. I wanted "ALL" of us to be a family, I would never sell his kids short I would treat them like they were mine and he said the same about my little girl. However, he said he just made a commitment to raise his kids right, let his X move back into his house out of guilt and then I come along everything he's been looking for and put a wrench in his plan. He never has said one thing good about his X they fight all the time, the only way it works is if she stays in the house and he stays outside, he does not want to pay her child support and calls her a bitch all the time. He cheated on her to begin with, married someone else and then cheated on her again with me. He always tells me when he gets her out of his house I will be the first person he calls, he feels it needs to "fizzle" out on its own. He called me twice crying saying that he knows what he is missing, and that if he has to spend another year with her he wants to die, but never does anything about it. When his X found out about us he called placing all the blame on me (last I knew it took 2)and said he was going to die if she took the kids away from him not once did he say he loved her. During his yelling I got one question in-Was this all a joke to him, his tone changed for a second and he said NO, then his tone went right back to defensive and he said but I am not going there we're just friends. Did he say this out of anger and fright because he got caught? Two days prior to this he said he loved me "unconditionally" and he now knew what that meant (I alway said that to him because no one is perfect). I am no longer talking to him, but wonder what his home life is like....just becasue I am here and he is there does the fighting just stop. How does a guy justify bringing children up in a divorced, fighting, no love home life and think that's better because she is mom and he is dad? I think about him every day and I know he does the same, he told me so and named some songs on the radio that make him think about me. Why would a person sacrafice his happiness until his kids are raised? Does he not think we are capable of raising the kids? How can a guy do this and live with himself? My daughter asks about him, did he forget that his decision effects our life too? Help me to understand? Will it ever eat at him enough to stand up to the plate? Will he call me or can he go without hearing my voice? Was this all a joke to him? Pretty serious stuff from my point, I would have a hard time making it up.

[cross-eyed]

did you read what you wrote?

 

"He cheated on her to begin with, married someone else and then cheated on her again with me."

 

the guy couldn't be any more of a loser and a liar. you seriously want a guy who thought so little of his wife and the mother of his children, that he repeatedly cheated on her? wake up lady, he'll cheat on you too. he is feeding you tons of bull. he's not back living with his wife simply for the sake of the kids, he's back there because he's still married (I didn't read any mention of them being divorced) and he's obviously trying to work things out, in his own twisted way. of course he's going to bad mouth his wife, how else can he make it seem justified that he cheated on her to be with you. men who cheat always bash their wives or ex wives, that's just what they do to make their behavior seem acceptable. I feel sorry for his wife.

 

"Why would a person sacrafice his happiness until his kids are raised?"

 

He's not sacrificing anything. He's back living with his wife because he wants to. I'm sure he paints a pretty grim picture of things with her, but remember, he's a cheater and a liar.

 

Why on earth did you get involved with someone who not only cheated on the mother of his kids, but cheated with you? don't either of you have respect for marriage or fidelity? what the heck do you expect when you hook up with a married man who cheated on his wife? I feel really sorry for all the children involved, they obviously have pretty rotten role models.

I have been seeing this guy for a year now. In the beginning everything was great. He called me all the time 4 -5 times a day, picked me up from work we were together all the time. He still to this day tells me he loves me, more than anything and that he has been waiting all his life for someone like me. It goes his dad, his kids, then me on a level of importance (not once did he mention "X"). Then..... reality sets in. The closer we got and the more serious it got... I could see him get scared. I would ask him if he wanted it over and he always told me no he loved me, but that he was confused and felt like he was screwed no matter what he did. After some seroious conversation I found out that his X-Wife wanted to try again with him. He has 2 great kids and I have one little girl. I wanted "ALL" of us to be a family, I would never sell his kids short I would treat them like they were mine and he said the same about my little girl. However, he said he just made a commitment to raise his kids right, let his X move back into his house out of guilt and then I come along everything he's been looking for and put a wrench in his plan. He never has said one thing good about his X they fight all the time, the only way it works is if she stays in the house and he stays outside, he does not want to pay her child support and calls her a bitch all the time. He cheated on her to begin with, married someone else and then cheated on her again with me. He always tells me when he gets her out of his house I will be the first person he calls, he feels it needs to "fizzle" out on its own. He called me twice crying saying that he knows what he is missing, and that if he has to spend another year with her he wants to die, but never does anything about it. When his X found out about us he called placing all the blame on me (last I knew it took 2)and said he was going to die if she took the kids away from him not once did he say he loved her. During his yelling I got one question in-Was this all a joke to him, his tone changed for a second and he said NO, then his tone went right back to defensive and he said but I am not going there we're just friends. Did he say this out of anger and fright because he got caught? Two days prior to this he said he loved me "unconditionally" and he now knew what that meant (I alway said that to him because no one is perfect). I am no longer talking to him, but wonder what his home life is like....just becasue I am here and he is there does the fighting just stop. How does a guy justify bringing children up in a divorced, fighting, no love home life and think that's better because she is mom and he is dad? I think about him every day and I know he does the same, he told me so and named some songs on the radio that make him think about me. Why would a person sacrafice his happiness until his kids are raised? Does he not think we are capable of raising the kids? How can a guy do this and live with himself? My daughter asks about him, did he forget that his decision effects our life too? Help me to understand? Will it ever eat at him enough to stand up to the plate? Will he call me or can he go without hearing my voice? Was this all a joke to him? Pretty serious stuff from my point, I would have a hard time making it up.

[midori]

You say:

He called me twice crying saying that he knows what he is missing, and that if he has to spend another year with her he wants to die, but never does anything about it.

And to be honest, that says it all. But if it's not clear to you yet, read on. You also say:

When his X found out about us he called placing all the blame on me

and then you ask:

Why would a person sacrafice his happiness until his kids are raised?

It sounds to me like you've got a man who cannot take responsibility for his own happiness. He uses the ex-wife as an excuse right now; she's the obstacle between him and happiness (which, according to what he's saying right now, would be you). But he doesn't do anything to remove the obstacle that HE put there to begin with. Doesn't matter what his reasons are (and yes, I agree that the home environment he's creating for his kids doesn't sound too good). If he didn't have the ex wife as an obstacle, he'd surely find another, equally "impenetrable" wall to stand between him and what he says he wants. The bottom line is that he probably doesn't know what he wants and even if he has an inkling, he clearly doesn't have the courage to fully pursue it. Because then he'd be taking responsibility for his own happiness, it would be up to him to make things work. There wouldn't be a convenient bogeyman to blame if things didn't work out .

 

He doesn't mean to be a bad guy. On the contrary, it sounds like he wants everyone to think well of him. He seems to be comfortable with a certain level of helpless angst in his life. In my experience people like that will seek out or create angst-causing conundrums in their lives if there isn't one already at hand. Who knows why -- lack of faith in themselves, an inherent pessimism -- but they're hopeless. Ever read "The Sorrows of Young Werther" by Goethe? Werther was the embodiment of helpless, hopeless angst -- and he made himself and everyone around him suffer because of it.

 

Believe me, I feel your pain. I've been strung along by someone who isn't able to step into love and his own happiness. I got jerked back into his orbit more than once. Speaking as I do from experience, my advice to you is to change your phone number and refuse all other communication with this man. Don't allow him an inch in your life -- because he'll take a mile of your time and emotional energy and ultimately give nothing in return. He might be the nicest man in the world. But he's dangerously weak, cowardly and self-centered. He'll suck you dry if you let him and in the end all you'll have to show for it is nothing but confusion, hurt, resentment and regret for wasting your time and love on such a hopeless cause.

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh. Good luck, really.

 

-midori

 

PS: don't you wonder what lines he feeds his ex-wife? Of course to you he presents her as a monster. But I'd be willing to bet that's not the whole story. As much as you're hurting right now, I'd be feeling some pity for her -- she's got far more riding on this immature idiot than you do.