sylviaguardian Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 Well,time has moved on since I first started posting here (approx 2 years to be precise) but I see some of the old-timers still here and wanted to give an update. I have struggled with the after-effects of my husband's stupid affair for two years. All my life all I wanted was to be part of a happy family and to be honest, it was a huge motivating factor for me to try to move on from it. To those of you who are still battling, I wish you courage and strength but I cannot do this anymore. I am no longer happy: I am sad and angry all the time. I am suspicious. I do not want to be that person anymore. I do not want to be the person who shouts at their kids because their own life is so miserable. I have finally accepted that the dream of the happy family is gone. It's a choice of the intact stressed-out family or the single parent family now. I can't be this person anymore who is wounded, unsure and angry all the time. In short, I think it's time for me to make a new life. It won't be a great life, I know, but it will hopefully be better than this half-life. I have asked my husband for a divorce and he said he 'needs a couple of days to think about it'. So typical how he always has to control everything. But today, for the first time in a long time, I felt awake, I felt the ground beneath my feet, I felt the air on my face. I thought it's going to be a tough journey but I will be under my own steam and still heading for my goals. I am afraid, so afaid of what the future holds. But at the same time, I feel alive, I feel like a person again. There is nothing I can do anymore about the past but I have realised that to live a half-life in pain is worse than the fear. Thank you all to those of you who have supported me in this forum. I hope never again to visit the infidelity forum. The past is burned away, now time for me to address the future. I do so with fear but with hope too. Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 You asked him for a divorce and he said " I'll have to think about it" No that is not a team work discussion. good luck with your new life! Link to post Share on other sites
THX2000 Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 Well,time has moved on since I first started posting here (approx 2 years to be precise) but I see some of the old-timers still here and wanted to give an update. I have struggled with the after-effects of my husband's stupid affair for two years. All my life all I wanted was to be part of a happy family and to be honest, it was a huge motivating factor for me to try to move on from it. To those of you who are still battling, I wish you courage and strength but I cannot do this anymore. I am no longer happy: I am sad and angry all the time. I am suspicious. I do not want to be that person anymore. I do not want to be the person who shouts at their kids because their own life is so miserable. I have finally accepted that the dream of the happy family is gone. It's a choice of the intact stressed-out family or the single parent family now. I can't be this person anymore who is wounded, unsure and angry all the time. In short, I think it's time for me to make a new life. It won't be a great life, I know, but it will hopefully be better than this half-life. I have asked my husband for a divorce and he said he 'needs a couple of days to think about it'. So typical how he always has to control everything. But today, for the first time in a long time, I felt awake, I felt the ground beneath my feet, I felt the air on my face. I thought it's going to be a tough journey but I will be under my own steam and still heading for my goals. I am afraid, so afaid of what the future holds. But at the same time, I feel alive, I feel like a person again. There is nothing I can do anymore about the past but I have realised that to live a half-life in pain is worse than the fear. Thank you all to those of you who have supported me in this forum. I hope never again to visit the infidelity forum. The past is burned away, now time for me to address the future. I do so with fear but with hope too. Sylvia Why are you asking? This jerk cheated - tell you are getting divorced. He didn't ask your permission to screw around - you don't need his to boot his ass to the curb. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 Sylvia - I'm so sorry, and I'm so sad for you. Along with the shock of splitting up, one of the scariest things I faced was the idea of being a parent without my wife in my life. I had never considered that to be even a remote possibility, and it scared the hell out of me and made me very angry, too. But I'm also hopeful for you, because while I know that fear, while I know the grief at realizing my dream of a happy, intact family wouldn't be realized, while I lost my innocence, I also know that there is strength and confidence to be found, that I still have a profound joy at being a parent to these wonderful kids, even to the point of facilitating, supporting and appreciating their relationship with their mom - my ex, who I'm glad to say is a good and loving mother. I'm finding I can be a whole person, and finding strength and empowerment in that. I'm getting over feeling guilty at enjoying my "alone time" for a few days each week without the kids, and wondering whether it would be a little bit of a drag on my time to have them back, but every week when I pick them up, oh, I am so happy to see them, to reconnect with them... Sylvia - through my difficult times, I have always admired your postings, your advice, and your wisdom. Trust yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sylviaguardian Posted May 19, 2006 Author Share Posted May 19, 2006 Thanks Trimmer, Being a lone parent is going to be very hard for me, especially as I'll be the one who has them most of the time. The though of that is kinda scary as I do about 90% of the child-care now and find it tough-going sometimes. The thought that there will be no-one to step in when I'm tired or whatever is difficult. On the positive side, my children have had a mother who has been weepy, stressed and had little patience for years now. I am hoping that when there is no resentment because there is someone else who could have been helping around, that i'll just knuckle down and get on with it. As I said, I am very afraid of what the future holds but people like you give me some hope. As for feeling guilty about enjoying time on your, don't! I would LOVE that!! I get precisely 4 hours one morning where I am alone and I love it! No doubt I will bother you more in the future about how to tell the kids etc but right now I am too worn out to think about all of that. Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 Gosh, I'm sorry to hear this. You've tried so hard. My thoughts continue to be with you....... Link to post Share on other sites
jonesgirly Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 sg - you've been a source of wisdom for me for almost a year now, so I'll trust you have the wisdom to know whats best for yourself. That being said, if you have already felt the 'black cloud' lifting, then I say 'hurrah' for making a decision that WILL positively affect your life. Dr.Phil has said before that children would rather be FROM a broken home than LIVE in one! You, yourself said that you've become less than an 'ideal' role-model as a mom and wife, and I'm sure you wouldn't want your kids learning how marriages are made from your example. Really...I've been there (although only one child, a daughter), and have made it work. It was actually easier - visitation schedules (if arranged amicably) can benefit both parents. My ex and I chose to live close enough so that school events and social activities were not unreachable for both. You two will really need to enter into a new "grown-up" agreement in order to NOT make the kids 'in the middle' of the mess. I made a seriously conscious effort to facilitate that, and to this day, my daughter both recognizes and appreciates it. You're already accomplishing 90% of the childcare, imagine if that burden were lifted on weekends when the kids were with their father? Oh yeah, here comes life again! Its difficult at first, but once everyone (mainly YOU) become acclimated to the difference, its a breeze. The kids are with their FATHER, not a babysitter! How wonderful to have that time to do anything you'd like! And I know its not easy, but you can help them through this. The best advice I can give is: never ever say anything bad about their dad, near them, to them, or around them. There is nothing worse than a kid being torn between the two people they love more than anything on the planet. Regardless of the feelings between the adults, the kids should never suffer. Believe me, this will pay off in the future. My wish for you, as you appear to be confident in your decision, is to live well, live right, and all will be okay.. Link to post Share on other sites
My_Other_I Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 I wish you the best on your journey to the new, happier you. It seems like it will be worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 If you've decided on divorce Sylvia, at least you'll have the comfort of knowing that you gave reconcilliation every attempt. You won't have to carry the doubt with you that you didn't put your best effort into it. I have a friend, who gave it two years after her husband's infidelity, much as you did, before she decided on divorce. She's very happy today with her decision. And I think most of reason why she's content with it is that she really did make her choice after alot of thought and soul-searching. Her kids are adjusting well too, btw. I think that's because their parents really put in alot of effort in trying to work it out. Having exhausted all the possible solutions, they're better able to release the negative emotional energy they once had in dealing with each other...and they're able focus more on the children's needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted May 21, 2006 Share Posted May 21, 2006 Sylvia, I am a single mom with five kids who live with me. I am by myself here in Arizona with the kids. I have no extended family here and my kids' dads are in other states, so I have full responsibility of them 99% of the time. It is hard at times, but I am so much happier alone than being lonely in a marriage. And, I felt it was a good decision for my daughters (I have four) to see a strong, happy mother. For I believe it is better for children to be raised in a happy single parent home than a miserable two parent home. And my kids are doing very well. They have strength and character, and they have a genuine respect for me in the life that I have carved for us. I went to nursing school and graduated from nursing school without the help of any man in my life and I succeeded. I graduated valedictorian of my class and now own my own nurse registry part time and run a cardiac cath lab part time. Had I stayed in a stagnant marriage, I do not believe I would be where I am today. Have faith. You will be better than fine. You will be victorious. Believe it. The best is yet to come for you! Hugs WA Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 No doubt I will bother you more in the future about how to tell the kids etc but right now I am too worn out to think about all of that. Please do - I tend to be here on and off in waves these days, so PM if I'm not hanging around, and I'll get an Email notification... I have lots of theories, philosophies, etc. that I can foist on you when you are ready... And listen to jonesgirly too - I like her approach to things. This whole idea of acting like grown-ups and keeping the kids out of the middle really resonates.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sylviaguardian Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 Well, I'm all for theories and philosophies - that's what I'm all about! Anyway, the latest update is that we reached total crisis point over the weekend. There were a couple of things that happened that just pushed my buttons so to speak. One was finding out that his brother has also had an affair just recently and that fact that I now know but his wife doesn't! After some very long and emotional talks, we decided to give it one last shot. We are going to book the counselling that we should have gone to two years ago. At the moment all I want to do is stick my head in the sand and concentrate on my own life, work etc. I have had enough of being defined by my ridiculous relationship. Thanks for all the kind words and support. I will update as and when. Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts