how do you guys figure out flirting boundaries

[Guest]

Hi.

 

I was just reading some posts about flirting, and I think most people share the sentiment that if you have a significant other, if you both are okay with a certain level of flirting, then its fine.

 

Some of you say u shouldn't act any different in front of ur SO than u would without them there. Others say that it makes sense to flirt somewhat more when the SO is not around, because when the SO is there, u want to lavish THEM with attention and not be rude. In any case, again, if you and your partner feel ok with each others attitudes about flirting, everything is fine.

 

But here's a difficulty I have sometimes: Some guy flirted with me in a very romantic way. I told him I was with someone else, thanked him for the complements, and later I told my SO all about it. He was offended. I asked why. He said the very fact that I brought it up with him and told him all the details made him feel bad, like I was shoving it in his face. The fact that I talked about it like that made it seem like it was more important to me than it actually was.

 

So that's an example, there are other examples, and I got the feeling that whereas I thought it would be rude NOT to mention something like this, my SO thought it is actually rude to talk about it, that that infuses it with more meaning and importance and that he doesn't need to hear about it. So I stopped mentioning such things.

 

Well, time goes by and stuff like this happens a lot. People flirt with me, I flirt back, but only with banter and smiling and stuff. No touching, no sexual comments, nothing like that. And I have NO intention of doing anything further. But it is fun. And sometimes it is an ongoing thing. And I make sure to put certain limits just to make sure nobody takes it seriously.

And I would never go anywhere alone with any other guy, even if I didn't plan to do anything and even if we're friends, I just find it inappropriate.

 

Now it occurs to me that since I don't discuss these things with my SO, based on his attitudes about it, I don't quite know what is or isn't okay... If the very act of talking about it makes it worse for him, I wonder...

 

I can't imagine he doesn't flirt in those subtle ways, or that nobody flirts with him. And I don't mind. And again, if he did it right in front of me, it might bug me because if I'm there I expect to get attention! Or it might not, I don't know. These things don't come up because we work in different places.

 

 

 

Thoughts? Anyone?

[MrDarcy]

My thoughts are: What exactly is flirting? If a guy knows that him flirting with you is not going to get him anywhere, will he still do it? In my impression girls like to give the impression that they're interested to get attention from guys. Isn't that what you are doing when flirting? Personally I don't see what the big deal is. To me it's nothing more than girls wanting to boost their ego, which is fine, only it happens under false pretenses, and that's what bothers me. Now I realize us guys are just as much part of it, but we're the ones being taken advantage of. I guess there's not much chance of any girls admitting that what they're doing is despicable. However, I guess you've simply realized that if you're going to get any attention from guys you have to attract them somehow. Personally I wouldn't mind sitting down over a drink having a meaningful conversation with a girl even if I knew it wasn't going anywhere, but my impression is that most guys would move right on to the next girl the minute you tell them nothing's gonna happen. Unless they're one of those guys who doesn't take no for an answer, in which case they would simply continue to try. I think those guys are even worse.

 

So what's wrong with me? Am I gay or something? Now I'm no saint, I still get attracted to girls like my neanderthal buddys, but am I the only one who sees this game for what it is? Or is it simply that they see it, but choose to play it anyway? I think that if we all just stopped playing this game, less people would get hurt, but for some reason I don't see that happening very soon. In fact people behaved better 200 years ago, so it seems we're just spiraling downwards.

 

You asked for my thoughts, well there they are....

[JaneyGirl]

Mr. Darcy, men are most certainly not being taken advantage of!

 

Men and women BOTH enjoy this game. As long as nobody is giving off the false impression that they're interested in doing anything, nobody is being taken advantage of. Plenty of men AND women enjoy knowing someone is attracted to them, and enjoy giving someone else that signal. It's a very specific message: a sort of "we are not an option as a couple, but i do notice ur kinda attractive, good for u "

 

I'm not talking about people taking off wedding rings in bars and flirting with people in bars. I'm talking about how we all want to look nice and act attractive around our co-workers, of our own sex - to be someone they admire - and to the opposite sex, to feel attractive. And then we can all take that ego boost home with us to encourage us to make that effort with our SO and to feel like we are all that, and our SO is all that, and aren't we a hot couple everyone is jealous of.

 

 

That said, Mr. Darcy it is possible that you are not interested in these games, so don't participate. And I certainly wouldn't advocate acting like ur single when ur not, and not telling the people that know u that ur taken until their already at the point of trying something... but i also don't think we all walk around with a megaphone saying "i'm involved with someone" every time we go to a bar, and i'm sure we might smile and enjoy some returned smiles from others... i don't think that's hurtful.

 

Ok, so maybe it's just me... What does everybody else think?