My husbands attraction to his female coworker

[Kansas Sunflower]

Im not sure if I am just overreacting or if my husband is emotionally connected with his coworker. I am pretty sure that nothing is sexually. I came home earily from work one day and he was talking to her on the phone and told me he was talking to a friend. I didn't really care because I trusted him completely. He goes to school and also works 40 hours a week so we don't see a lot of eachother. I trusted him enough that I didn't even know his schedule. If he wanted to go do something without me I wouldn't even question it. He has other female friends and it doesn't bother me but this is different because he has lied to me over and over about it and tried to hide things from me. The girl is a nasty slut that I wouldn't trust as far as I could throw her. She was married to a man and cheated on him with his best friend and had a child and made her husband believe that it was his child for months. One day she just kicked him out and told him the child wasn't his. She has slept with so many men it makes me sick. She is on her second marriage with a man who is currently fighting in the war in Iraq. How horrible can one woman be? She calls my husband and cries to him about it. When I found out that her and I had a mutual friend, I found out a lot of things about her and told my husband and he thought I was lying. Finally, when he questioned her, she told him about everything and he still wanted to be "friends" with her. She also told my husband that she only married this man so she could get extra financial support while he is gone. She basically let him know that there was an open invitation. He told me that they had only talked a couple times on the phone outside of work. When I got our cell phone bill it was outrageous. They also texted eachother a lot. I have heard nothing but lies, lies, and more lies. I asked him to stop talking to her except when they needed to talk about work issues. He agreed, because it was putting a strain on our marriage. But later I find out that they are still texting eachother and talking at work and taking breaks together. I attempted to call her, and she said he never told her that he didn't want to be friends. Just by talking to her and listening to her comments, I realized that she is in love with him. I confronted him about it and told him that I would leave him if he didn't tell me the truth. He admitted that he had feelings for her and if we weren't married he would probably go out with her. He said it was over but I still think he's lying to me. What should I do?

[JackJack]

He needs to tell her he can't help her with her problems and she needs to seek someone else to talk to, such as professional, if she is needing someone to talk to. He needs to cut all contact with her. No phone calls, no emails, no seeing each other etc. You both then need to enter some marraige counseling as well. Theres obviously a gap or void somewhere that he feels needs to be filled by someone else, even if its just "talking." It could later lead to something more.

[Kansas Sunflower]

He says that he has stopped talking to her but they work together and at this point in time I can't ask him to quit his job. I still feel like Im being lied to and that things are going on that I don't know about. Should I trust Him?

[JackJack]

He says that he has stopped talking to her but they work together and at this point in time I can't ask him to quit his job. I still feel like Im being lied to and that things are going on that I don't know about. Should I trust Him?

 

 

You still feel like you are being lied to? How, what are some things you feel he is lying about? Can he move to another department so he wont be near her at work?

[Kansas Sunflower]

I dont know if I could ask him to move to another dept. because he's worked there for six years. When I asked him to call her and confront her about her lies that she told me on the phone he dialed the wrong # and told me that she wouldn't pick up. I think that he wants to talk to her alone so he can say hes sorry about his wife calling her. He really didn't want me to call her in the first place. I also think that they will continue to talk once I quit worrying about things. I cant bring myself to believe a word he says because he has been lying to me about everything. I had to find out about stuff on my own and have proof to get him to admit his lies. I think that he still feels like her friendship is vaulable to him. I have asked him to go see a therapist with me but he thinks its not necessary. He thinks he can just try and get my trust back through time. He has made me feel like its my fault that he needed someone else so I let him decide what we should do. He has a real problem with communicating with me. Is it wrong for me to be talking to my best friend and also you all here at this website about our problems without my husband knowing?

[JackJack]

"I can't bring myself to belive a word he says because he has been lying to me about everything." *No trust*

 

" I have asked him to go see a thearpist with me but he thinks its not necessary." *He sees he is doing nothing wrong, so he feels why go*

 

"He has made me feel like its my fault that he needed someone else so I let him decide what we should do." *Its not your fault, he wants you to take pity on him for his wrong doing*

 

 

These are some of the main reasons you all do need to go to some kind of counseling. If he wont go, you go for yourself. Someone that can help you put things in better persepective and can help guide you in what you need to do and how to handle things.

[whichwayisup]

I don't understand why your husband would want to be friends with a woman with such drama in her life.

 

I would trust your husband, not her though. I really hope for his sake that he isn't fallling for any of her s*** or allowing/planning something more with her. She's a dangerous friend for him to have...

 

He's more concerned about her feelings than yours -BIG RED FLAG!!!!

 

Install a keylogger on your home computer - Start tracking his cell phone bills and go from there. Even get a good friend that you trust to follow him and see if he hooks up alone with her somewhere.

 

Stay strong.

[ridingthebulls]

your husband is attracted to a nasty std-ridden trollop? why are you still with this goof?

[typical]

I almost choked on my Cheerios when I read this post....You are going through the EXACT SAME THING as I am, From the lying, the secretive calls, the phone bill, text messages, the slutty pig friend who is married and has a kid yet ruts around with whatever is available to all shades in between.....

I cant bring myself to believe a word he says because he has been lying to me about everything. I had to find out about stuff on my own and have proof to get him to admit his lies.

Dead on to my thoughts as well.....

When I first had my suspicions that things werent what they appeared to be, concerning the pig and my BF,I confronted, and blah blah blah lies and "we only talk about work" was the outcome. I didnt trust it. But I had to let it go. I had no proof. Here we are months later, and he doesnt work with her anymore, but yet the cell phone bill is smattered with daily calls to her..starting at the early morning hours and progressing throughout the day....

It was quite obvious that it was no longer about work and he realized he couldnt use that convenient excuse....It took him 2 years to finally admit "we are only friends"...This was just recently. I know of pig girl and her nasty reputation, and it has only intensified my fears...but I decided that I wasnt going to be a stupid girl who believed lie after s***ty lie....I KNOW the end result is (if he hadnt already) going to be her and him in the sack....so.....here is what I have done..

* I have not pushed him or even brought her up in any way since his admission of "only friends"

* I have been the secret soldier, on a mission towards truth and equality and have kept an ongoing journal with all the information I could gather, names, phone numbers, events, things that seemed out of the norm, anything and everything. This is sooo important...trust me. It started with me opening Word and typing all of my anger down. Now, I type every day and include events, times, places, dates, strange occurances.....Anything to determine what is going on, and to reassure yourself that you are not crazy. I then match these occurances with the phone bill, and anything else I can dig up. Your answer will come sooner than you think. And it also serves as proof in a way as well.

*I have started to LIVE MY LIFE. There is no use sitting around waiting for him to suddenly come to his senses....its not going to happen any time soon.

To me, this statement:

He admitted that he had feelings for her and if we weren't married he would probably go out with her.

Would have been enough to send me packing. Chances are, he has already romanticized being with pig girl and has entertained thoughts of how to get you out of the picture. Let him then.....I garantee that in 2 months he will come crawling back to you, infested with herpes, reeking of dead trout and spouting his undying devotion and love and repentance...

 

He has a real problem with communicating with me.

Has it always been this way, or has pig girl worked her slutty magic on his vocal cords and mind?

 

He said it was over but I still think he's lying to me.

thats a no brainer, of course he is....

 

I think that he still feels like her friendship is vaulable to him.

Wrong. What she has between her legs is valuable to him. Until his dick turns black and falls off.

 

Back off...WAY off...let him do whatever he wants to do. In the meantime, reach out to friends and family, gather a support system. Nothing you say is going to pull him towards you again. It is too late. He has already been sucked in the black void of pig girls herpe land.

 

It is very eerie how our problems are similar.....maybe our pig girls are one in the same....

 

My question?

 

What do you want to do about this?

[typical]

He's more concerned about her feelings than yours -BIG RED FLAG!!!!--- wwiu

 

I have had this thought a time or two...and it is absolutely true...he IS more concerned with her thoughts than yours... at this point his number one priority is her twat.....

 

 

When I found out that her and I had a mutual friend, I found out a lot of things about her and told my husband and he thought I was lying

 

Reasons why he thought you were lying:

 

1. He knew you werent lying...but he had to play it off as if he knew NOTHING about pig girl and her embarrassing escapades...because if he admitted to knowing about them, that shows what kind of character he has, and what he is really after....because anyone with half a brain would of course question what he is doing tangled up with her....knowing about her nastiness and still sniffing around her is like saying that you approve of her nastiness....feining innocence automatically puts you as a person who was misinformed......

 

2. Because she hasnt given it up to him yet....and somehow he equates her leading him around with her nasty twat and not screwing him as her being the Mother Mary incarnate....In his mind, he doesnt see her as a nasty infested pig because he hasnt screwed her yet. Who cares if she screwed everyone else? She hasnt screwed him, and thats enough to put her name down in the shiny new Virgin Mary innocents book.

 

I would trust your husband, not her though.---wwiu

 

Wrong...dont trust either of them....he is slowly becoming tainted with pig stink....

 

I really hope for his sake that he isn't fallling for any of her s*** or allowing/planning something more with her.

 

He is.

 

Trust your gut and be constantly vigilant. THinking thoughts such as "he loves me too much to do anything" will have you in the STD clinic faster than you think.....

[Kansas Sunflower]

I really do think that things have gotten better in the past few days. He swears that he is not talking to her and says that her friendship is not worth losing me and our two year old son over. He is such a compassionate, caring man and my close friends who know what has happened can't believe it. They say "if he can cheat any guy in the world can and to never trust a man again." They also think that he is partly innocent in this whole thing. I don't know what to think. People have always told me what a great guy that he is and how lucky I am. I have never met a person who doesn't like him. Should I believe him?

[Guest]

I dont think their relationship(whatever it may be) has been going on for very long. I think I caught things in the beginning, quick enough to stop things before it was to late. She has only worked with him for about three months. But somehow I still find myself wondering what is going on or being said when I am not around. I have occassionally driven to his work on my lunch break to go and see him. I feel like everyone is laughing at me and thinking she is so stupid and naive. Like she needs to get a clue. I don't think he is obcessing about getting in her pants. I really do think its about the relationship itself. My husband has always been the type to build relationships with people and then let that lead to itimacy. He had a lot of friends that were girls in high school. They would all come to him with their problems. He was like their dream guy but they didn't know it until we got together and he was no longer available to them. He is extremely smart, athletic, very HOTT, and on top of that totally sensitive. I don't know why he was ever interested in me but I don't want to lose what I got over some nasty slut who doesn't deserve to lick the mudd off of my dirty boots. I never have been the jelious type until now, when I see something more going on and the fact that he is hiding things from me. I have always let him hang out with his "girl friends" and it never bothered me until now. Ya, I noticed that they were jelious but they had their chance to be with him and now(at least I thought) he only wants me! I need some serious help. I can't get over the fact that he is with her right now and I have no idea what is going on. I need proof that he is completely through with her. He can't even give me a reason why hes interested in her. He says that i am so much prettier, smartier, and just a better person but its all lies or I wouldn't feel this way and he wouldn't have taken an interest in her. I just want to know what he thinks of her and if he does fanasize about her and what I can do to change it all.

[Kansas Sunflower]

I don't think that their relationship(whatever it might be) has been going on for to long. I think that I caught things before it was to late to change. She has only been working with him for about three months. I have noticed things going on for about a month. I also don't think for my husband it was all about getting into her pants. He has always been the type to build relationships with people. When he was in high school he had a lot of friends that were girls and they would come to him with their problems. He was like their dream guy and they never realized what they had until he became unavailable to them. He is extremely smart and has made something good of himself (teacher), he is very athletic (basketball coach, athlete of the year in high school), very HOTT, romantic, and undeniablly sensitive. Sometimes I wonder what he is doing with me. But he has always made me feel so special to him, like in his eyes I was the the most beautiful, loving, smart, incredible woman in the world. I no longer feel that way. I have never been jelious of other girls, in fact I encourage him to hang out with his "girl friends." But with her its been different because he has lied to me and hidden things from me. He has developed feelings for someone else in a way he shouldn't have and he claims that he realizes this but I am not sure. I can't even give me a reason why he likes her. It scares me. I just wish he could tell me why he would be interested in someone who he says doesn't even hold a candle to me. I will have to agree, that nasty slut doesn't deserve to lick the mudd off of my dirty boots. I just can't help but keep thinking that he is with her right now and I have no idea what is going on or being said. Sometimes I will go to his work and see him on my lunch break and I feel like everyone is staring at me thinking she is so stupid and naive. Like she needs to get a clue. (By the way, she is not a teacher. She is not smart enough to go to college.) Its all I can think about . I have been getting so sick that I can't eat and hardly sleep at night. I need some serious help! I need proof that its over for him. I'm not sure how to get or if I am still the fool being lied to.

[Guest]

Just out of curiosity, why do you feel it is your job to trust your H, rather than his job to prove to you he is trustworthy? If he really wants this marriage to work, he will acknowledge he put it in serious jeopardy and do everything he can to regain your trust. The whole open book thing. He doesn't get to decided when YOU should trust him again, YOU decide that for yourself. If you still have doubts, I'd say he isn't pulling his weight on the issue.

 

Maybe you can sit him down and tell him this has seriously damaged the relationship, obviously more than he knows, and start discussing ways to rebuild your trust. I think changing departments is a good start. If he is unwilling, well, that is his answer right there. Start getting yourself ready emotionally, legally, and financially for what may happen.

 

Don't feel bad about standing up and demanding that you both work to protect your marriage. Believe me, from personal experience, if I had done this myself rather than trust things would work out in the end, my life would be a lot different right now. Don't wait!!!

[Pink_Tulip]

submitted this but wasn't logged in. hate it when i do that! anyway...

 

Just out of curiosity, why do you feel it is your job to trust your H, rather than his job to prove to you he is trustworthy? If he really wants this marriage to work, he will acknowledge he put it in serious jeopardy and do everything he can to regain your trust. The whole open book thing. He doesn't get to decided when YOU should trust him again, YOU decide that for yourself. If you still have doubts, I'd say he isn't pulling his weight on the issue.

 

Maybe you can sit him down and tell him this has seriously damaged the relationship, obviously more than he knows, and start discussing ways to rebuild your trust. I think changing departments is a good start. If he is unwilling, well, that is his answer right there. Start getting yourself ready emotionally, legally, and financially for what may happen.

 

Don't feel bad about standing up and demanding that you both work to protect your marriage. Believe me, from personal experience, if I had done this myself rather than trust things would work out in the end, my life would be a lot different right now. Don't wait!!!

[Kansas Sunflower]

I feel like moving him to another dept. says that he is not trustworthy around her. If he can prove to me that she means nothing to him and that he can work around her and thats all, it means he does love me that much. Because if they are just "friends" then why can't they work around eachother and it mean nothing to him? I am so worried about finding a way to trust him again because I know how important it is to our relationship. He knows that he has to earn my trust back but its like he thinks that we've talked about it, cried about it, and everythings ok. That we can just forget that everything happened and go back to normal. He thinks that by telling me the truth he has did his part to earn my trust back. He doesn't realize that I still hurt and will for awhile considering I'm still not sure I have received the entire truth and that everything is actually over. Yes, I have become obsessed with this and I do talk about it a lot to him and hes sick of it. He says he just wants it to be over.

[whichwayisup]

Is he willing to go to marriage counselling with you? Obviously he needs to be very patient with you because admitting he has feelings for someone else, and actually had the BALLS to tell you that if you two weren't married he'd be with her, says ALOT about "how" he really DOES feel about her.

 

I don't believe for a second that it's over. He may not be physically involved with her, but he still is feeding the emotional side of friendship with her.

 

Make it clear how much he will lose (you) if he continues a friendship with her.

[Lennox]

I think your hubby should transfer departments or location of his own volition if he really wants this to be "over" in your mind. Although he physically has been faithful to you, he's definitely had an emotional affair with this woman. He lied to you, that says it all.

 

I hope he chooses his next move wisely. He's lucky that you have enough love and faith in him to the extent you've already shown. He should be grateful and respect you enough to do everything within his power to show you that you're the most important person in the world to him, and that includes altering his job so that he have no contact with this woman. Good luck!

[Kansas Sunflower]

He tells me that we don't need counciling that we can just work this out on our own. He also says that when he saw that he could lose me and our son that she wasn't worth it and all his feelings for her were gone. I guess he's trying to say that I scared them out of him. I really can't understand how he could of had those feelings for her anyway or how they can just disappear. I'm so confused. He can't even tell me why he felt that way about her.

[Kansas Sunflower]

He also says that he no longer talks to her unless its about work issues and that she put in her 2 week notice at work. What does that mean? Was something else going on?

[whichwayisup]

She put in her 2 week notice - That means she's leaving!

 

I am betting that it was more serious than he has told you. People don't just leave over emotions - It had to be more, if not physical (sex), they must have kissed or fooled around. I don't know I could be wrong - So please don't take all that I say to 100% think, but don't be closed off to the fact more could have happened but he's scared to come clean with you. Problem is, the more honest he is with you and tells ALL, the better off he'll be. IF he is hiding anything that is a mistake. I think you'd rather know ALL than be kept in the dark.

[whichwayisup]

He tells me that we don't need counciling that we can just work this out on our own. He also says that when he saw that he could lose me and our son that she wasn't worth it and all his feelings for her were gone. I guess he's trying to say that I scared them out of him. I really can't understand how he could of had those feelings for her anyway or how they can just disappear. I'm so confused. He can't even tell me why he felt that way about her.

 

That is BULLs***! He isn't willing to go to counselling because it will mean he'll have to end it 100% with her and put all his energy into fixing what is missing in the marriage. He is taking the easy way out, he is scared of confrontations, scared of having to put in EFFORT to work at the marriage and gain your trust again. If he isn't willing to do this to save your marriage, he has more issues than you ever thought.

 

I hope he is telling you the truth. With that being said, he MUST get rid of her number and her name off of his IM list. There is NO reason to have it around, NONE none none!

 

He probably loved the attention. Anotehr woman wanting him, desiring him. That is a huge ego boost!

 

It's nothing you've done, it's HIS ego and little thing between his legs that he let take over.

[vampress1]

He also says that he no longer talks to her unless its about work issues and that she put in her 2 week notice at work. What does that mean? Was something else going on?

Yeah, no offense but... i'd believe that when I see it!! If you don't want to be percieved as naive, then don't act like you are. Your husband has proven to you that he cannot be considered 100% trustworthy. Don't put your guard down... you deserve better!

[Chump64]

Oh, Sunflower. Your story is very typical. I would suggest to you that this has been going on longer than you suspect, and with more intensity. I suspect that what you know is only the tip of the iceberg. You can PM me if you want some info on investigative tips.

 

My story is similar to yours as far as the beginnings and what I thought was going on. I did a bunch of investigative stuff. Turns out it was a decade-long love affair. I am sorry to be so pessimistic. I remember being in your shoes, posting my story online and being told, "You are so screwed, babe. There is so much more to it." It infuriated me and I tried to convince other posters, I suppose in an attempt to convince myself. There is probably much more to your story than you can imagine. AGain, sorry to be such a downer.

 

At the very least, my advice is to tell your husband that he will lose you and the kid if he (a) doesn't get a job at a new place ASAP; (b) cut all contact with her forever; and © doesn't enter marriage counseling with you ASAP.

[Kansas Sunflower]

How do I investigate something when I'm not even sure what I'm looking for or needing to know? There probably is more but he's never going to admit it. I'm kind of worried that she is leaving because if it truely is over then I will never know how things were between them. I have never seen them together so I am not sure how they acted around eachother or felt about eachother. I hope that I am making since to you all!