Couch Or No Couch?

[karenina21]

Hello all...

 

I just moved in a week ago with my boyfriend of five years. Prior to this we have never lived together, but I stayed over at his old place all the time.

 

However, now that both our names are on the lease, all of a sudden we're arguing all the time--about where to place things, cleaning up messes, etc.

 

The most recent argument centers around a couch. The other day, my boyfriend called me and told me he was on his way to pick up a leather couch because a coworker was giving one away and we'd talked about getting a leather couch. I asked him what condition it was in and if I could see it. His response was that he was almost in front of the guy's house right now, but that it was supposed to be in excellent condition, and could I ask my brother to help move it into the apartment? He'd already TOLD THE GUY he'd take it--without looking at it first and without consulting me!

 

We brought it in and it's this hideous, old, worn out leather with stretch marks and fading. Aside from that, both the couch and its cover smell very musty and faintly of piss.

 

Last night, he was working late, but when he called me and asked what I thought of the new couch, I told him the truth. I thanked him for picking it up and said I appreciated his effort, but that I wished he would have consulted me first to see it before bringing it home, and that I hate it, it smells, and I want to get rid of it.

 

He blew up at me, saying HE'd just spent $3000 on new furniture (actually, we're BOTH paying for it) and he can't afford a new couch. I told him once I get back on my feet (I was laid off from my job three weeks before we moved) that I would be happy to buy a new couch in my name and pay for it. He yelled that he thought he'd done a good thing by bringing it home, that he wanted a longer couch, etc. When I mentioned I wanted the Salvation Army to take it out, he got sullen and said I could do what I wanted and then hung up on me.

 

When he got home that night, he went straight to the shower and then to bed and barely talked to me. When I got up, I called the Salvation Army and arranged for them to take the piece since that's where we'd left the argument the night before. He had asked if we could wash the slipcover, but I discovered that the whole piece smells horrible, not just the covers. I told him that. I also told him that my brother thought it smelled musty and that the repairman who fixed our closet doors thought we had pets because he said it smelled like the pet had an accident. He said it was coming from the living room and I was so embarrassed to tell him it was the musty old couch.

 

So when I told my boyfriend I had arranged for the pickup, he once again became nasty and told me not to call him at work anymore and hung up on me. A little while later my brother called me to say that my boyfriend had left a message for him to call. When I called my boyfriend back to say that my brother was busy, he told me he wanted to hear from my brother what he thought about the couch. I told him my brother said it was musty.

 

My boyfriend then said it wasn't going to the Salvation Army, but he was going to put it in storage. He's also threatened me in the last week with getting a loan and getting another apartment of his own and leaving me on my own "if this is the way it's going to be." All I've done is want a home that looks nice and I've tried to work with him to arrange it that way. But the second I do not agree with him on something he pulls this nasty attitude.

 

What should I do? Move back home and dump him? Or shut my mouth and have a smelly, saggy, old leather couch that I hate every time I look at it? Shouldn't he have consulted me first?

[quankanne]

wait! Before this becomes WWIII, give the sofa a good looking over – if it's an older couch with good bones (frame), it might be worth hanging onto until you can get it reupholstered, just put it in storage with a lot of newspapers that have been sprayed with vinegar so the smell will absorb. That way, you're happy at getting a good couch for the cost of fabric and new stuffing, and he's happy that he hasn't had to ditch something he's contributed to the household even if it was a pass-down.

 

if it's truly not worth saving, talk to him and listen to him about a compromise. He might not really be attached to that stinky piece of furniture, but rather upset because you've rejected his contribution.

[karenina21]

I told him several times that I appreciated his contribution, but that I wish I had been consulted first as I didn't think it was right to do that without discussing it with me first.

 

It's stinking up the whole place. The repairman that came in the morning asked if I had pets because it smelled like one of them had an accident. I'm worried that it's going to make the rest of the place stink too.

 

The Salvation Army can't take it for three weeks, that's the next time they're in the area for pickups.

 

He said he's put it in storage. That's fine with me if we can air it out maybe we can use it with a new slipcover on it. But in its current condition, it cannot stay there.

[quankanne]

if there's pet pee in the cushions/stuffing, you're going to have to take all that off and start over with new material, otherwise you're gonna keep smelling that funky urine smell no matter how much you try to remove it. Is there anyway to strip it down to the frame and keep that in storage until you're able to reupholster it?

[CrumblingWalls]

Your lucky you are just fighting about a couch, I wish I was in your situation right now. My advice to you would be give it a week or so to blow over before touching this subject again. Men get easily aggitated and offended when something they do for us is not appreciated.

I would definitely let this blow over then come back to the topic later on. He needs some time to cool down and so do you. You don't want your relationship to be ruined over a stinky couch. I am also sure that this is very new to him too. You too just moved into together (even though you stayed with him all the time, it just is not the same). This is huge step for any man to take and you will just have to both get used to things.

Give him a break about the couch for now. Good luck!

[Outcast]

And here is why living together before marrying is such a good plan. It's the stupid details of daily living that people can clash over repeatedly. Obviously, he feels unappreciated even though you have tried very hard to show appreciation for his effort. Hopefully, this isn't a regular pattern with him and only part of the stress of moving in.

 

The thing is, you can't live with a piece of furniture with heaven-knows-whose bodily fluids in it - it could be quite unhealthy. A lot of people throw out furniture - I'm sure if you continue to scan yards you may well find a better model for free. There are also websites and ads in the paper where people actually give stuff away for free - keep an eye out for those.

 

And then try to sort out what's at the bottom of these communication problems - it's not the couch.

[lechia]

Better move back home and dump him. The way I see it, your boyfriend is so unreasonable and immature minded. You do not deserve to be living with a guy like him. Please think it over, sooner or later, you will be hurt by his behavior.

[littlekitty]

And then try to sort out what's at the bottom of these communication problems - it's not the couch.

 

Hit the nail on the head. For two people living together you really should have better communication skills which allow you to sit down and openly discuss something. His flying off the handle because you disagree is not helpful or healthy.

 

He should really have consulted you. In a partnership you tend to agree on something before going ahead. Does he admit he should have asked you? It sounds like you need to set some ground rules not only for living together, but for communication too.

[Annacabana]

Hit the nail on the head. For two people living together you really should have better communication skills which allow you to sit down and openly discuss something. His flying off the handle because you disagree is not helpful or healthy.

 

He should really have consulted you. In a partnership you tend to agree on something before going ahead. Does he admit he should have asked you? It sounds like you need to set some ground rules not only for living together, but for communication too.

 

 

Totally agree! Also if this happens over a couch, what is going to happen when you two have really important things to deal with?

[tinktronik]

I don't know ,I disagree with most of you.OP you stated that you don't have a job , you also don't have a replacement couch . Maybe your b/f just wants somewhere to sit and watch the game after he gets off work. You also mentioned that you all just spent $3000 on furniture but your both on the hook for the bill ,well as you have no job , it sounds as if he's actually on the hook for the $3000. If your b/f likes the couch, and you have no job and no replacement couch , and no forseeable way to get a new couch in the near future .Let him keep the couch ,and get some febreeze. When you have a job and the money get any couch you want but still ask your b/f what to do with his property that he aquired aka. the smelly couch.

[karenina21]

I did use Febreeze--two bottles' worth! And the stench still did not get better. In fact, it seemed to intensify the smell of piss.

 

I have asthma and the damn thing caused me to have attacks which is NOT GOOD for my health to begin with, let alone the fact that I don't have health insurance right now to pay a hospital bill if I had to go, God forbid.

 

Update: I talked to my guy and made him get rid of it. We took it to the Salvation Army. Things haven't been too great between us since, but at least I can breathe and the place no longer smells.

 

About not having a job: that's not my fault. I was laid off. I am collecting unemployment and using my savings to pay my fair share of everything. Furthermore, I have been on several interviews. So there is no more or less "burden" on him to pay up than I am currently doing.

[SoleMate]

It's clear that:

 

1. This isn't really about the couch

 

2. The couch really is (was) intolerable

 

Gosh, I'm gagging right now. The furniture should not make you ill. A couch should enhance comfort, not eliminate it.

 

I seriously think that many/most/all men do not have the ability to smell mustiness/mildew/stale urine/odors of many sorts. Becuase they never even notice things that turn my stomach. The repairman would be a counter-example to this.