Spilling my gut's now could he love me?

[Meaplus3]

Hi,

 

I am soooo glad I found this site since it's the only place I feel I can let my feeling's loose and that's what I am about to do right now!

 

From the start here I am a MW and he is a MM! We both have children! He is my neighbor (I know yikes right?, LOL) I have know him for the 8 years we have lived in the neigborhood. We started to get close with them as a couple over the last year. About one year ago I realized that I had very strog feeling's for him. After endless night's of flirting and eye contact all taking place while we were together as couples, I decided to inform him of my feeling's for him over the winter. He was shocked, but told me right away that he would love to be with me sexually But he Can't (sorry did not sound convincing to me!!)

 

Backing up a bit to all the times we have spend together as couples, We always made each other laugh and had a GREAT connection. We both have so much in common. We continued talking. Me telling him all my sexual desires and him taking it all in and adding a few himself. Just before I was to leave for vacation this past winter I ran over to his house to give him a key. We talked and I told him I would miss our chat's. I notice he shut the front door. I turned to him to ask for a hug, he say sure. Well what a hug it was The best FRIGGEN hug of my life. I could feel how turned on he was. And that moment was all it took for me to want more. Since that moment we have seen each other every now and then me biegn the provoking one, infact I am the one that call's him, for he knows when I will call so I think he is just used to it! We have also had some heavy petting mostly done by me. I know he want's me but I think he is afraid that he will feel to guilty if we are to go all the way. He does not consdier what we have done so far as cheating, well I do!!! Come on now? We have been talking for month's, hugging, touching YEAH we are faithful!! ( just to add that in many coversation's he has used the word WE and even said that WE are more alike and our spouse's are more alike)

 

As far as our marriges go, he is the happier of the two of us. I know his marriage is not perfect, but it sound's like it's ok infact he say's he is very comfortable. I am comfortable in mine for the finances, but the love factor, well I am not so sure any more! So in a nut shell we continue to talk on and off, taunt each other with hug's some touching and nothing else! I want more!! He tell's me he likes me and cares about me, could he LOVE me and really be afraid of his feeling's?? He is not putting and end to all this! We see each other just about everyday in passing and you can just feel the heat. I't funny cause when I first came this site "I thought how could all these people out there have affair's" How awful! Well now I so understand how these thing's can just sort of happen when you least expect it. Any and all comment's here are appreciated! Thank's:confused:

[ridingthebulls]

if you feel your marriage is this much over to consider an affair, time for divorce first.

[whichwayisup]

From the start here I am a MW and he is a MM! We both have children! He is my neighbor (I know yikes right?, LOL) I have know him for the 8 years we have lived in the neigborhood. We started to get close with them as a couple over the last year. About one year ago I realized that I had very strog feeling's for him. After endless night's of flirting and eye contact all taking place while we were together as couples, I decided to inform him of my feeling's for him over the winter. He was shocked, but told me right away that he would love to be with me sexually But he Can't (sorry did not sound convincing to me!!)

 

Have you thought of the absolute devastation your husband, his wife, your children and his children will go through when this affair is found out? I don't know if you've slept with him or not, but this is definately a very emotional affair. Very dangerous and sorry to be harsh - VERY selfish of both of you.

 

The consquences are VERY high, both of you have alot to lose.

 

The part I highlighted in bold, that was a mistake to tell him how you felt. It opened the door and he walked into it, slowly...It's too bad that you two have talked about your feelings and let them grow.

 

He does not consdier what we have done so far as cheating, well I do!!! Come on now? We have been talking for month's, hugging, touching YEAH we are faithful!! ( just to add that in many coversation's he has used the word WE and even said that WE are more alike and our spouse's are more alike)

 

That's bulls*** and he's justifying his behaviour by saying it's not cheating. If either of your spouses found out about the feelings, the flirting, the touching and whatever else goes on there, NEITHER of them would be happy. Both would feel hurt, betrayed and a huge loss of trust.

 

As far as our marriges go, he is the happier of the two of us. I know his marriage is not perfect, but it sound's like it's ok infact he say's he is very comfortable. I am comfortable in mine for the finances, but the love factor, well I am not so sure any more!

 

The feelings are being transfered from your spouses to eachother now. It's intense, crush-lust-sexual and just like at the beginning of any new relationship, the fantasy honeymoon stage. Each of you don't feel that intense feelings with your spouses. Problem is, you two are both so caught up in it, you can't see what's around the corner....It's only a matter of time before they put two and two together. So, be prepared!! And, seeing as you two are neighbours, people watch, talk and gossip!! They're not stupid and sooner or later you two will get caught.

 

Both of you need to end it and stay away from eachother. If you don't, you'll lose everything. A lifestyle and a life you are comfortable with, your husband, your house, your children will have an awful time dealing with this too. If you want to be together, divorce your spouses and let them find love with someone else seeing as it seems neither of you love nor respect them. Each of you are making a fool of them too! If only they knew what really went on...It's sad and there is no good that could come of this situation. NONE. Just alot of unnecessary pain for people who don't deserve it.

 

So in a nut shell we continue to talk on and off, taunt each other with hug's some touching and nothing else! I want more!! He tell's me he likes me and cares about me, could he LOVE me and really be afraid of his feeling's?? He is not putting and end to all this! We see each other just about everyday in passing and you can just feel the heat. I't funny cause when I first came this site "I thought how could all these people out there have affair's" How awful! Well now I so understand how these thing's can just sort of happen when you least expect it. Any and all comment's here are appreciated! Thank's

 

End it now or get a divorce. Just don't keep on cheating and leaving that door open for more to happen with your neighbour. You both are cheating and I think everybody here would agree with me.

 

Good luck and I hope soon you figure it out.

[RealityCheck]

WYIU....

 

Gave verrrry sound advice!! In every word you wrote and she quoted was rational and logical speaking!

 

Marriages do go through many phases! In and out of lust is the reality!We all get tempted in the "out of lust" stage! But my question is are you out of "Love"?

 

I left my marriage because I was totally and completely out of "Love".

Hell! He could have brought another woman home and "did her right in front of me" I wouldn't have given a rats a$$.

 

Think about all the emotions of what you still have feel for your H and the emotions that you will feel for the MM. If emotions are both present, you will definately compound your problem.

 

Ask yourself, if all of what your feeling is for "Love" or "Lust" and what is worth more! Truth is "Lust" is superficial, "Love" is REAL.

[scarletletter]

I can understand the heat and the passion. It is so easy to want someone who is off limits and turn it into something that it is not. It sounds as though it might be a little one-sided on your part. If you want something to develop between the two of you, I would suggest that you get rid of the spouses first. Even though I am also having an affair, I have said before that I would not recommend it to anyone. I cannot even imagine having my mm live next door to me. I would go completely nuts. I hate to say it because I try very hard not to be judgemental, but it sounds as if you are headed into a very dangerous situation. Many people could get hurt...you especially. When the temptation is there, you will act upon it. Maybe he does not totally feel the same as you. I would not push the issue on him at all.

[RealityCheck]

ScarletLetter....

 

Hey Girl! I've missed you! *Big Hug*

 

Do you want to meet with the rest of of girls somewhere?

 

We "OW's" are planning a trip you know..*laughing*

 

I would love to meet you!

[Jessie61]

After endless night's of flirting and eye contact all taking place while we were together as couples, I decided to inform him of my feeling's for him over the winter. He was shocked, but told me right away that he would love to be with me sexually But he Can't (sorry did not sound convincing to me!!)

 

As far as our marriges go, he is the happier of the two of us. I know his marriage is not perfect, but it sound's like it's ok infact he say's he is very comfortable.

 

He tell's me he likes me and cares about me, could he LOVE me and really be afraid of his feeling's?? He is not putting and end to all this!

 

Answerplease,

 

The question is, is it possible that this guy loves you? Yes, I guess it is, but my guess is that he doesn't. Yes, he is incredibly attracted to you and he really enjoys the flirting etc, but l-o-v-e? Hmmm....

 

I would always believe a guy who tells me the following; "I want to be with you sexually." That means that he wants to be with me SEXUALLY, but not necessarily emotionally and the rest of it. Why add something to his comment that isn't there? If he feels brave enough to tell you that much, he would tell you the rest - if he meant it.

 

Added to this, you also know that his M is OK and that he is comfortable at home. To me that spells that he would NOT leave to be with you. I think a MM will only ever leave if the M is so bad that he has already considered leaving even before the OW comes into his life. But of course I could be wrong.

 

OK, you might ask could he start loving you eventually? Actually do leave eventually? Yes, of course. I don't know how this will end.

 

Please don't get me wrong. I am not a person who would always say "stay in the marriage" just for the sake of staying in the marriage. I do believe that a person is "entitled" to leave a M if ALL avenues have been explored and the M is so dead that it cannot be saved for love nor money, and when staying in the M would leave either or both spouses absolutely miserable.

 

But from what you have described, and IMHO, it doesn't look like this is the case...?

 

So ask yourself, what do you really want? If you want more, do you actually think that he would leave? Would YOU leave your H? Or do YOU want to be the OW, potentially indefinitively living with the guilt of betraying your own H and perhaps having to put up with broken promises from MM, having to look MM's wife in the face on a daily basis? What happens if you want to go NC after finding yourself totally unhappy with the situation - remember your MM will be almost literally on your doorstep acting as a constant reminder of what you are trying to get away from?

 

There are loads of women here who will tell you that being an OW is a living nightmare. Do you really want that for yourself?

 

I think you need to think this through really carefully. Leave this romantic/emotional/excited feelings to one side for a moment, and THINK this through. THINK about this situation realistically.... Can you actually see yourself follow this process to its logical conclusion with you leaving your H, MM leaving his W, you and MM setting up life together, shared custody of kids, the fall out with your H, his W and your family and friends, perhaps selling your houses and moving somewhere else...? At the moment it is probably a romantic fantasy, but test this scenario without wearing the rose coloured glasses.... Do you like what you see? Could you live with it?

 

If not, then STOP immediately. You do realise that you could get caught at any time with him living next door to you? All it takes is a funny glance between you being spotted by either your spouses or one of the neighbours noticing something... Can you imagine getting caught at this stage? If MM is not already considering leaving, you would probably be dropped like a hot potato, with you having to deal with your own M and your H's hurt feelings... Then having to live next door from one another for years to come... All the neighbours finding out... And for what..?

 

Think honestly and fairly about your own M... is it really worth sacrificing..? I don't get the impression that you are totally miserable at home, so perhaps your M just need some reviving..?

 

If, on the other hand, you think this is for real, then you should perhaps consider leaving your H before you embark on a R with MM? Yes, easier said than done, but more honest...?

 

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, it is not meant to. I am certainly not in a position to judge anyone, being an OW myself. I just want you to start thinking because I have lived this nightmare for 2 years, and I would not recommend it to anyone, even when the basic facts may seem favourable for the OW. I just want you to avoid having to go through all of this, if at all possible.

 

In your case, I think there is still time to turn this around. Give this A another few weeks/months to develop, then it might be too late... You need to see the bigger picture.

 

I know that I have digressed from the original question, so please forgive me.

[Sami_D]

I've edited down your post to get to what I see as the nitty-gritty.

 

After endless night's of flirting and eye contact all taking place while we were together as couples, I decided to inform him of my feeling's for him over the winter. He was shocked, but told me right away that he would love to be with me sexually But he Can't

 

... Me telling him all my sexual desires... I could feel how turned on he was. And that moment was all it took for me to want more... me biegn the provoking one, infact I am the one that call's him... We have also had some heavy petting mostly done by me. I know he want's me but I think he is afraid that he will feel to guilty...

 

I know his marriage is not perfect, but it sound's like it's ok infact he say's he is very comfortable.

 

... He tell's me he likes me and cares about me, could he LOVE me and really be afraid of his feeling's?? He is not putting and end to all this!

 

I imagine that he's pretty flattered that you want him sexually. What man wouldn't be flattered by that? You've made it pretty clear you're interested in him by running after him, telling him your fantasies, and 'provoking' him. And to be honest, I think he's made it as clear as he can that while he'd 'love to', he's not going to. The fact he has become sexually aroused (if that's what you meant) when a woman who has the hots for him asked for a hug... well HE'S A MAN... they can't help what happens down there. It doesn't mean anything.

 

So much for his sexual desire... now, his feelings:

 

From your post, you're second-guessing everything he thinks and feels... has he not told you already and you're just not listening. Right from not being convinced that he could possibly mean to refuse you sexually at the beginning, to your assumptions that he would only refuse you because of 'guilt'... Now you're asking could he love you and be afraid of his feelings? No, I don't think so. I think what you see is what you get. He's turned on... but I think if he has half a brain he's probably scared of you. Maybe that's why he hasn't (yet) put an end to it..? or maybe he doesn't realise that 'your feelings' extend beyond wanting him sexually... do they? What is it you want from him?

 

He's being sensible. He has far too much to lose. He has a very comfortable marriage, a wife he (I'm guessing) loves, and children.

 

Why would he want to throw that all away?

[scarletletter]

ScarletLetter....

 

Hey Girl! I've missed you! *Big Hug*

 

Do you want to meet with the rest of of girls somewhere?

 

We "OW's" are planning a trip you know..*laughing*

 

I would love to meet you!

 

That is so funny....how interesting would that be? You let me know when and where...lol. Going to be in Boston this week on business but I'll catch up when I get back. I won't have any time to be on the forum while I am there.

Big Hug right back to you!!!!

[Meaplus3]

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