I hate porn :(

[drydania]

I have recently discovered that my new husband has been continually logging on to an adult site. He has had a membership for over 3 years (longer than we have been together). He has been paying $30.00 per month for this membership. He claims that when we were more sexually active that he didn't log on as much but lately I have found that he was logging on about once a day. We have been together for a little over 3 years. When we fist started dating we had a discussion on porn and I told him exactly how much I hated it. I feel that if you are in a relationship with someone getting off to other women is chesting in a sence. He told me that he wasn't a fan of porn and that he felt it was not needed. I have been extremely busy the last month or so and maybe I haven't always been there for him sexually but this has been going on for a very long time. When I saw the link on our computer and asked him about it he told me it wasn't his. I knew that he was lying. He finally admitted that he had been online but that it was only a handful of times because I wasn't home and that he wasn't a member. I had a gut feeling he was lying so I checked the cookies on the computer and there were so many video clips. I told him what I had found and he came clean about the membership but told me that he only got on once a week or so. I still felt he was lying so I checked the history and found that his site had been accessed almost every day for the lasy month. He does it while I am at school or at work. Once he did it while the kids and I were home sleeping. I caught him in the living room at about 3:30 in the morning watching a DVD one of his friends gave him. I feel so cheated and betrayed. I really love him and want to work through this but it hurts so bad. I don't feel like I am good enough of that I satisfy him like his porn does. He told me that he would never do it again and that he didn't realize how badly it would hurt me. He canceled his membership in front of me and told me that he didn't want to lose our family. Should I believe him? I feel kind of bad because I am checking the computer daily and have installed a hidden keylogger so that I can see what sites he visits. Am I a horrible person? I told him if he does it again I will leave. I asked him if he might have an addiction and he assured me that it wasn't a problem. However, a drug addict doesn't usually see that they have a problem. I told him that if it were a problem I would stand by him and help him if he would get counseling. Is there anything else I should do? How can I make the pain and the feelings of betrayal go away? HELP!!!!

[Presario]

He told me that he would never do it again and that he didn't realize how badly it would hurt me.

 

He will do it again, like other guys who promised not to. There are some old threads that talk about it.

 

I told him if he does it again I will leave.

 

Are you sure you would leave because of this? If so, I'm surprised that you would do it, because others have more serious problems.

 

I asked him if he might have an addiction and he assured me that it wasn't a problem.

 

It's a problem: he had been doing this daily.

 

Is there anything else I should do?

 

Ask him why he does it, not to stir an argument, but to understand him. Is there something he wants sexually and he doesn't get it from you? Who wants sex more: you or him? Does he complain about your sex life?

[Alexandra]

He told me that he would never do it again and that he didn't realize how badly it would hurt me. He canceled his membership in front of me and told me that he didn't want to lose our family.

 

By that phrase alone -or rather by that action- and you are in a different place than that of ladies who have partners looking at porn and not discontinuing -or even attempting to- an action which they know hurts them.

 

He sounds like he cares for his family and his romantic future with you. That he cares about your feelings and genuinly wants not to upset you.

 

With that said though, I'm wondering if you haven't maybe been a bit overwhelmed by how your ego was bruised and not able to be empathic to him at all. Have you asked yourself how he feels at all, put yourself in his shoes, have you even understood why he did it and that it is hard for him to give up a habit? I'm not acusing you, I'm simply saying that it's easy to become so upset that one wants nothing but a solution going in their favour and not a compromise and often times controllingly dictating what to do won't hold in time as well as a compromise would.

[Pink_Tulip]

You were honest from the very beginning about how you felt on the issue, he lied. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for your feelings. It doesn't matter if the discussion was porn or any thing else, you had a boundry that you made clear, he agreed, and lied for years about it, knowing full well your feelings.

 

It does sound like he doesn't want to lose his family over this, so try to be supportive and show him that you appreciate his efforts, but again, you two are in this situation b/c he lied about it. So don't feel like you are controlling him or that you should compromise. You stated your feelings up front. If you had been given all the info from the beginning, you might have made a different choice reguarding your relationship. JMO.

[Outcast]

People 'lie' about every bad habit - smoking, eating, drinking. It's a smokescreen to make such a huge deal about the 'lies' over porn. It is NOT infidelilty. It has NOTHING to do with you. And to freak out to the extend of wanting to end a marriage over it is nothing short of ridiculous.

 

You are making a mountain out of an anthill (even molehills are too large to describe the unimportance of this issue).

[honeybunch2k5]

@pink_tulip- Ita.

 

 

 

It seems like this is his problem because he was doing it before y'all met.

He's not going to change for you. Change will have to come from within. No, you should not believe him when he says he'll quit.

He does it b/c he likes to look at nude, airbrushed women who are sexuallly loose, no need to ask why.

[drydania]

People 'lie' about every bad habit - smoking, eating, drinking. It's a smokescreen to make such a huge deal about the 'lies' over porn. It is NOT infidelilty. It has NOTHING to do with you. And to freak out to the extend of wanting to end a marriage over it is nothing short of ridiculous.

 

You are making a mountain out of an anthill (even molehills are too large to describe the unimportance of this issue).

 

 

I am sorry but I feel like it is infidelity in a way. My husband getting off to other women is still a form of cheating to me. I give him everything he has asked for sexually and he still feels a need for porn. I feel cheated on and this is bigger than an anthill to me because of the lies and the frequency of it. I was up front and honest about how I felt about porn from the start and he broke an agreement that we had-that is a very big deal to me. I know that some people don't see porn as a big deal but I grew up in a house where my father did the whole porn thing. I saw how badly it hurt my mother and I never wanted to feel like she did. It hurts, I feel like I am not good enough and that I am not what he wants. I can't help how strongly I feel about this. I will not live like this. I just want to be his everything. I can honestly say that even when I am alone I always think about him and I would NEVER do anything I knew would hurt him. He did this knowing it would hurt me-that makes it a big deal.

[vampress1]

It is NOT infidelilty. It has NOTHING to do with you. And to freak out to the extend of wanting to end a marriage over it is nothing short of ridiculous.

You are making a mountain out of an anthill (even molehills are too large to describe the unimportance of this issue).

With all due respect... who are you to decide if this is infidelity or not? Or the importance this issue holds for the OP? (I really don't mean that to sound as condecending as it does....) While you are absolutely entitled to your own opinions on this subject, I believe the question was "How can I make the pain and the feelings of betrayal go away?" not "is it cheating" or "am I over reacting?". She and her husband have already established what cheating was in their relationship... She expessed her distaste for pornography and he said he wasn't a fan anyhow.

What is considered cheating in one relationship may not be cheating in another... if there is one thing I've learned reading posts on LS, it is that!

Do I feel it's grounds for divorce? No. But maybe the larger issue for her is trust... I'm sure we can all agree that relationships are doomed without trust.

[whichwayisup]

Everybody's tolerance level for porn is different. Some have issues with it, big time - Just like the original poster does! And some people feel it's no big deal.

 

The deal breaker "should" be : if porn and masterbation takes over the sex life at home, then it IS a problem - But if it's just a fun "alone" time that one may enjoy, it really shouldn't be a problem...Though IT IS to some. Obviously!

 

drydania, you have to make a choice of what you can/can't live with. If you can't get past his "alone" time with porn, then break it off with him. Don't settle for something that makes you feel like s*** and makes you feel unloved.

 

I just hope you believe his porn watching isn't about you. He does love you, he just also enjoys beating off to porn.

 

Just a question? How is the rest of your relationship, minus the porn issue?

[catgirl1927]

If the OP had come on here and said that she had told her H she didn't want him doing drugs, and he did them anyway and lied to her, everyone would tell her she was right to be ready to end the marriage. Same with gambling, or compulsive spending, or any other thing that isn't socially acceptable.

 

But because so many people think that porn is ok, everyone is telling her that she has no right to be upset that this guy betrayed her trust. It really doesn't matter what he was doing. She told him she didn't think it was right, and didn't want it in the relationship. He could have walked away, but he chose to accept those terms. I'm sure there are things that he didn't like that she had to accept. This one was a dealbreaker for her.

 

Just because someone has accepted that porn doesn't bother them does NOT make it ok to tell another person how to feel. He knowingly did something that he knew was going to hurt her, over and over again. That is the issue. The issue is NOT whether or not she is "right" to think something is cheating.

[vampress1]

Catgirl... you and I could hang. Between your posts on this subject and the ones on lap dances, i'm with you!

[catgirl1927]

Catgirl... you and I could hang. Between your posts on this subject and the ones on lap dances, i'm with you!

 

Well, thanks. I just don't think I'm wrong. If you set a boundary, and a guy says ok, he can live with that, and then he does it anyway, well, then he's just a liar! When someone posts that they've never dealt with an issue before, then you have to try to work it out. But when someone deliberately lies, I mean, what does it really matter any more? You can't have an adult relationship with a liar...

[Tim'sAngel]

Old habits die hard. I had a habit I had to get rid of when I first started dating SO, and I had to work on it in order for it to go away, which it has.

 

After reading post after post on women finding out their SO/spouse were watching porn and seeing how they all handled the situation, I am begining to see why men lie about this.

 

I think women become so upset over the porn conversation that men are just plain scared and maybe even a little embarressed to admit to it. Now, this is in no way an excuse to lie! I think if women would come to their SOs and simply ask how often they view porn, they would get more of an honest answer if they do not feel the pressure.

 

I'm not saying you should be ok w/it, that is simply up to you, but if the relationship is otherwise good, then I think it is irrational to end a marriage over something so trivial. This isn't a hopeless situation.

 

I can't see how this could be considered infidelity as there were only one party involved. It seems to me that infidelity would be 2 consenting indeviduals engaging in a sexual act. How can it be infidelity when one is using his own divises to get himself off and the other is on a tv or computer screen? JMO

 

Have you ever considered that maybe the reason you have become so upset over your discovery is the problem lies w/your own insecurities? Just a thought.

 

If this bothers you so much, then maybe the two of you can attend counseling or maybe you could compromise and make a few sexy vidoes together. That way he could enjoy himself when you are not around and it would be fun to do!!

 

There, that is my 2 cents. Good luck

[Lennox]

Wanking to images of drug addicted, abused women is cheating, in my opinion. It may not be to others, but I agree with the sentiments of the OP here.

 

You expressly told him how you feel about it and despite that, he continued to visually cheat on you. Either he's a porn addict and is in serious need of help, or he's a selfish a**hole that didn't give a damn about what you think.

 

Don't feel guilty about not trusting him, he violated the trust you had in him. He needs to EARN that trust back, and work HARD to gain it back.

 

Lots of guys make grand gestures of "quitting" porn surfing with the result being they find another avenue to fulfill their selfish needs. I've heard stories of guys setting their porn on fire, destroying hard drives, installing spy software, etc. You know what happens? They buy new porn to replace the porn they burned. They buy new hard drives and find better ways of hiding their porn, and they find out how to get around the spy software and erase histories.

 

Install a keylogger on his computer and make sure it runs in stealth mode, where he can't see it. If he's truly trustworthy and doesn't have a problem, then you'll discover that over time for yourself. Make sure that you have a unique password and email account that he doesn't know about. Don't tell him about the program, just tell him that your trust needs to be earned back and that you will be monitoring his activities in an effort to rebuild that trust. If he's got nothing to hide, he's not going to deter you from doing just that.

 

On the bright side, I read a story about Demi and Ashton some time ago when they got married that she wanted him to destroy his porn. He complied because he loved her. Haven't heard any negative stuff since so I hope things are going well for them. I hope things go the same for you! You are not the one with a problem with self esteem either. If you had a self esteem issue, you would just sit back and be quiet about it and grit your teeth. Good for you for speaking up.

[Trimmer]

Doubtless these same arguments and issues have been hashed out (repeatedly, and with much emotion) in other threads; I see two overlapping but perhaps slightly different issues here. One is the simple honesty/trust issue - drydania, assuming you were open and clear with him about your feelings on an issue that was important to you before you married, and he entered into the marriage willingly, but hid and lied about it, I think you have cause to be upset and feel betrayed. In this area, I am with catgirl, vampress, et al. And I agree, whether it be drugs, gambling, spending habits, it's an agreement that you both made willingly and which was broken and lied about.

 

Another interesting issue, though, and one that I think can be addressed separately, stems from your assertion that porn=infidelity. In this area, I find common ground with TimsAngel, WWIU, etc. His lies may be a betrayal within your marriage, but let's be clear: are you equating that with infidelity, which is generally taken to mean taking your heart and/or body outside your marriage to interact with another real human being?

 

There's really more to it than just the porn here, isn't it?

 

My husband getting off to other women is still a form of cheating to me.... I just want to be his everything.... I can honestly say that even when I am alone I always think about him....

 

Let me ask a couple of questions intended to provoke some thought:

 

Whether we believe it's possible or not (these are hypothetical questions...) if he simply keeps his word, and never accesses porn again, whether on the internet, magazines, etc., would that completely solve the issue for you?

 

Would you feel that reading fictional erotic stories was a betrayal? (No drug-addicted, abused women involved...)

 

Would you feel that masturbation on his part (without porn - whether words or images) would be a betrayal?

 

Would it matter what/who he was thinking about while masturbating? Would it matter if it was a real person, or an imaginary, non-existent person, or only if it wasn't you?

 

Would you consider it a lie/betrayal if he did this discreetly and privately and didn't tell you?

 

 

All I can say is, if you expect him to never think about - let alone get sexually aroused or masturbate to the thought of - any other woman, you may have set yourself up with an unrealistic expectation of how a man's mind works.

 

I think if he made an agreement, then betrayed that agreement and lied about it, then you've got a real and serious trust issue to resolve.

 

Separately, I wonder if the specific porn issue - which is clearly distasteful to you - is bringing to the surface this issue of not wanting him to think about anyone else, and even if the porn use itself went away completely, I wonder whether you would still have an issue between you that needs to be understood and worked out.

[slinkysu]

Drydania

 

Can i ask why you don't like porn? What is it about porn that is so offensive to you? Is he watching hard core or soft core?

 

He shouldn't have lied to you, that is for sure, but have you tried to understand his position. Why is watching a movie equal to cheating to you?

 

I think this highlights your insecurities about yourself - the fact that he cancelled his membership in front of you shows he is more dedicated to you and wanting to make you happy at the expense of his own happiness but maybe you could both go to a counsellor and discuss the issue openly - why it bothers you so much and why he enjoys it so much.

 

Electing to leave a marriage for it though is a very severe reaction - how would you explain it to your children? He has done nothing more than watch adult entertainment - what will you do when your kids get to the age of curiousity and start watching porn themselves? Is it something to be ashamed of? What message would you teach them if you divorced your husband for watching porn?

 

I can understand your reaction as being wholly overwhelming for you, but maybe this issue should be discussed openly in front of a counsellor so as to prepare you for dealing with it agani when your children get to the age to ask you about it.

 

I'm not saying you have to like porn - you don't. But you have to be aware that it isn't illegal, it isn't harmful (unless he is watching violent films - in which case get him help!) and it isn't morally wrong - it's just a lifestyle choice for some.

 

he should not have lied and said he disagreed so strongly with it when you made your feelings clear from the start, but maybe he didn't want to upset you by admitting his enjoyment of it. He made a mistake, several by the sounds of it, but i am sure that communication and working this issue out would be so much better for you than divorce.

 

are there other issues around your marriage that make you want to leave, or just this?

 

I hope it works out for you. It must be very hard to be living with such suspicion against your partner, but if it is worth saving the marriage then do work at it.

 

Good luck.

[catgirl1927]

These issues do overlap somewhat with the other issues regarding infidelity that have come up lately. While I stand firm that the issue here is honesty rather than fidelity, it makes me really, really sad that women just have to live with men not being satisfied by one woman. Porn is an imagine on a screen and not a real person, true, but we're also expected to live with strippers and the fact that sex with them isn't "cheating". Men get to define when they think they've cheated. We're held up to impossible standards and punished because we can't reach them. I'd really like to know, if a woman had 12% body fat, perfect smooth tan skin and flawless hair, and looked spectacular even without makeup, would a man be able to be faithful to her then? I guess expecting a man to be faithful is just too much to expect. My choices are be alone or be miserable knowing that I'm inadequate to keep a man's attention. Wow, this is SO depressing. But I guess you guys are right, I have to tell my BF that I won't say anything when he goes to a strip club.

[Trimmer]

...the issue here is honesty rather than fidelity...

 

I agree.

 

 

I guess expecting a man to be faithful is just too much to expect.

 

I disagree strongly.

 

...we're also expected to live with strippers and the fact that sex with them isn't "cheating".

 

BS - No one in this thread - including the OP - has discussed or advocated that - I think you're going over the top here - and anyway I think the proportion of men who would think that sex with a stripper/prostitute is not infidelity is small. (And those guys are sleazebags...) Whether you have seen posts on here where someone advocates that, women are not "expected to live with" that. And if you feel that you are (expected to live with it...), then you need to communicate with your SO, and work it out, and if it can't work and this is important to you, move on now, while he's your BF and not your H. Far from being depressed, you have the world in front of you! You are in control!

 

But I guess you guys are right, I have to tell my BF that I won't say anything when he goes to a strip club.

 

I do realize you are being sarcastic, but I call BS again. You don't have to tell your BF it is OK, what you should do is have open lines of communication so you guys can agree to what the boundaries of acceptable behavior are in your relationship (like drydania tried to do early on), and create an intimate enough relationship to deal with - and even treasure - the differences in feelings between men and women. This is why I asked her those questions, to try to tease out what the rest of their relationship is like and how (and whether...) they deal with intimacy and feelings.

 

catgirl - all men don't suck; irrespective of the reprehensible behavior of a few, we don't all think lapdances from strippers and blowjobs from prostitutes are OK; many of us would be quite willing to sit down and discuss the acceptable boundaries of behavior in our marriages in a true give and take; and many of us would cherish having an intimate, monogamous relationship with a woman. (And a notable number of us get cheated on by our women: real soaked-sheets, smeared lipstick, wife in a hotel room with another man on top, "I don't know, it just happened, my needs weren't being met" infidelity...) If you assume about all men what you say in your post, if you assume that immature, bad behavior, poor communication and lack of intimacy are only dictated to women by men, then you are starting out with pretty low standards and expectations. I suspect you deserve better.

[Lennox]

I think this highlights your insecurities about yourself - the fact that he cancelled his membership in front of you shows he is more dedicated to you and wanting to make you happy at the expense of his own happiness

I disagree. If she was so insecure, she would just shut up and let him wank to his porn in fear of losing him. Him cancelling his membership alone does not prove a thing. He can just turn around and get a new one with a different email address.

What message would you teach them if you divorced your husband for watching porn?

If she divorced him, it wouldn't be just about porn now would it? If he betrayed her trust again and went back to using it despite his promises to her, she would be teaching her children that she is worthy of respect and she won't put up with an abusive relationship filled with lies...and they shouldn't either.

But you have to be aware that it isn't illegal, it isn't harmful (unless he is watching violent films - in which case get him help!) and it isn't morally wrong - it's just a lifestyle choice for some.

How do you come to the conclusion it isn't harmful? An activity that requires such secrecy and results in destroying marriages isn't harmful? The OP has already experienced harm due to his porning, that's why she came here in the first place. As for the morality of porn, that's up to the individual...you cannot decide what is morally right for this woman or not.

he should not have lied and said he disagreed so strongly with it when you made your feelings clear from the start, but maybe he didn't want to upset you by admitting his enjoyment of it

Ah so the conjured up attempt to protect another individual from the truth is an excuse for the deception? So if I banged another guy, but didn't tell my husband, that's ok because I'm protecting his feelings? If he really wanted to protect her feelings, he would have told her from the start that he is a porner and he was not going to stop even after they married. Then, she could have made the decision whether to marry him or call it off with adequate knowledge of exactly what she was getting into. No, this type of gaslighting logic is only designed to protect the deceptor, not the person being deceived.

 

As for whether this issue is not only addressing honesty rather than fidelity is basically a moral issue. The OP already stated she held the belief that his porning is an act of infidelity. She may have a set of religious or moral beliefs that dictate that and she posted that she also informed him of that fact prior to their marriage. Because he violated that, he indeed was unfaithful because he did it knowing full well that SHE considered it infidelity. No one here can unequivocably state that his porning is definitely NOT cheating, because that definition is strictly up to the individual. No one here has any place judging her for her particular beliefs.

[Trimmer]

Lennox:

 

I agree with some of your points, notably your rejection of "he lied to protect her feelings." This gets said all the time in cases of real infidelity.

 

Independent of the OP's opinion, you stated:

 

Wanking to images of drug addicted, abused women is cheating, in my opinion.

 

I'm curious: absent the porn, is "wanking" to a mental image of Charlize Theron, or Janeane Garofalo, or Terri Garr, or Kathy Bates, or the checker from the grocery store, or the security agent that frisked me at LAX last week infidelity?

 

I'm not defending porn for a minute; I'm trying to understand whether your strong opinion is truly about the porn itself, or about your SO "wanking" to an image of another woman... Two very different issues, and the same question I had for the OP.

[Pink_Tulip]

I just wanted to put my two cents in... I don't like hearing people say porn isn't a big deal. To me and many others, it is a MORAL issue, not something we can simply overlook. Lennox touched on one of my issues too. Most of the women in porn grew up in very abusive homes, and got into the sex industry as a result of serious issues, and use drugs to escape. Anyone who can watch a girl in a porn movie degrade herself, probably hating herself and miserably depressed, and get off on that, is not for me. JMO.

 

I also have issues with likening it to cheating. It is one thing to have a fantasy, but to actively go out looking for someone BESIDES your SO to fantasize about is a different story. I get that men are visual, so my H and I put our digital camera to good use, he gets the pics he wants, and I am happy he isn't looking at other women.

 

For people who don't have an issue with porn, that is great. I have nothing against people who are both ok with it. The issue that pops up a lot is when women who know they don't like it express that in the beginning of the relationship and are lied to. Then men complain about how bitchy women are about porn. I have never had a relationship where I didn't state up front that porn would not be in my relationship, so the guy could choose to walk away if he wanted. I am being honest about my boundries, men should do the same or not complain when they get caught lying. JMO.

[ronnieromance]

I am sorry but I feel like it is infidelity in a way. My husband getting off to other women is still a form of cheating to me. I give him everything he has asked for sexually and he still feels a need for porn. I feel cheated on and this is bigger than an anthill to me because of the lies and the frequency of it. I was up front and honest about how I felt about porn from the start and he broke an agreement that we had-that is a very big deal to me. I know that some people don't see porn as a big deal but I grew up in a house where my father did the whole porn thing. I saw how badly it hurt my mother and I never wanted to feel like she did. It hurts, I feel like I am not good enough and that I am not what he wants. I can't help how strongly I feel about this. I will not live like this. I just want to be his everything. I can honestly say that even when I am alone I always think about him and I would NEVER do anything I knew would hurt him. He did this knowing it would hurt me-that makes it a big deal.

Well, this is your problem, not his. It may not sound soothing, but you're the one wit han issue. You have an idea that a woman can be all things to her man and vice versa. This is almost never the case and even less often if you're actually honest about your feelings.

 

Can you honestly say you are satisfied sexually? That you don't find other men attactive? Aside from that, almost all men like porn. It should be known that it's part ofthe package, so to speak.

 

And it's not cheating. You're taking on a victim mentality and trying to make victims out of the women who choose to be highly compensated for having sex on camera. You know, some of them may actually like it. Chances are if they didn't, they wouldn't be making flicks for like 5 or 20 years.

 

To attempt a little levity in this weighty thread; Don't hate! Fornicate!

 

 

 

-R-

[Alexandra]

I am being honest about my boundries, men should do the same or not complain when they get caught lying. JMO.

 

While I personally disagree with what you said, meaning I like porn and am allright with him liking it and don't believe it's morally wrong or that it automatically implies anyone being abused in any fashion, I understand how you and others feel about it.

 

I posted to highlight something you said that is indeed crucially important. Boundaries. Communication from the very beginnings of a couple. I know, it's hard to put forth one's list when one wears the rosey glasses but it's worth it. It's tempting to think that maybe that one theme we strongly disagree on will take care of itself and vanish. It won't. And ultimately it's hard to establish what we can or can not live with when we don't know ourselves enough.

 

Which is why people should learn as much as they can about themselves and use that knowledge to communicate and establish boundaries and common ground before they enter lifetime committments.

[Trimmer]

Ack - I know I'm sounding like a broken record, but no one has answered my questions, and I now have 3 posters (the OP, Lennox, and Pink_Tulip) whose answers I am interested in hearing. I'm not going on the offensive, I'm truly interested in your opinions, because I think some of the lines are being pretty vaguely drawn here between what you think is OK and what you say is not. For example:

 

...to actively go out looking for someone BESIDES your SO to fantasize about is a different story

 

So here's the thing. Again, for the sake of these questions, let's say that internet and magazine porn disappears from your SO's life. Your SO stops cold, and you're satisfied that he is sticking to it.

 

Is it OK if he masturbates in private?

 

Does it matter what image is in his head? Whether it's Angelina Jolie in a cocktail dress or Kathy Bates in a hot tub with Jack Nicholson, or a grocery store checker from down the street?

 

Is it a "don't ask, don't tell" situation, or is it still a betrayal, hidden or not? Is it infidelity?

 

 

I'm not stating an opinion about whether porn is bad, or minimizing the feeling of the OP that she was betrayed by her H lying and covering up his breach of their agreement.

 

But I'm hearing stuff along the lines of "porn is bad" and in the same breath, it morphs into "if my husband thinks about/fantasizes about/masturbates to mental images of other women it's cheating." I think these are two separate issues. Let's say porn IS bad. What do you think of the second issue? Because I think it's still going to be an issue in the OP's relationship, even if the porn disappears forever... (thought I had gone irretreivably off topic, didn't you? )

 

I'm not putting you guys down - I think this is a pretty interesting discussion, and one that has really made me think.

[slinkysu]

my post was aimed at Drydania and did not judge her morally and quite clearly shows empathy for her position. However i think it important that she tries to work on her marriage, trust issues and attitude towards porn before the divorce court because she children to consider and marriage is worth working at.