I hate porn :(

[Pink_Tulip]

It made me so sick to think that I was laying right next to him in bed and he chose to get out of bed and jack off to porn rather than wake me and make love to me. I threw up when he told me. I didn't mean to get sick-it just happened and he got mad and started calling me psyco and telling me that I was pathetic. I lost my temper and hit him in the arm. I have never done that before-I felt so bad. He was mad because I was crying and he covered my mouth with his hands because he didn't want to wake the kids. However, he left bruses on my cheek and chin. I was angry said something that I shouldn't have...I asked him if it would bother him if the kids knew he was a porn loving pervert and this sent him over the edge. He grabed my hair and threw me on the bed and covered my face with a pillow. After the fight was over we both appologized and it seemed to be okay. I have small bruses on my arms and face. He said that he didn't mean to hurt me and that it would never happen again. Should I belive him? He's never done this before. I started it. It is my fault. What should I do?

 

Well LR, glad you think this is no big deal. I disagree. Glad I am not your wife.

 

Believe me when I say I am not clueless. I see a lot more men on these boards supporting my position than yours.

 

And obviously YOU are the clueless one if you think women are killed and raped over sex. Rape has nothing to do with sex. So find another way to support your theory about all men needing to dominate women, cuz that one has been proven to not be the case decades ago.

 

I just love how you keep saying all men think about is power, control and domination of women. I feel sorry for your wife, and I hope to god you aren't raising any daughters.

[Jersey Shortie]

"Just because men are on a power trip doesn't mean they have to be cruel, unkind, selfish, or lack self control. In fact sometimes that is what makes them want to move heaven and earth for their SO. It is what drives us to look after our SO and family and make sure their needs are met."

 

 

Self control???? Men don't deny themselves anything. You can have the relationship and on the side you can have the fantasy with the type of women you really want. I don't think men give a crap about women on this issue. you don't care how it effects women, all you care about is if you can have your cake and eat it too. If women seeked out men the way men in relationships still seek out women, men would be pissed. But it is a double standard that women have to put up with or try to come to terms with if they want any kind of relationship with a man. We have to be the ones that men *settle* for while they can play out any fantasy they desire. It is not easy. I wish men cared more about women and what they thought but it becomes increasingly obvious that they don't. So while your wife hits her next 35 birthday and your jacking off to 18 year olds, do you really wonder why women feel the way about porn they do? Lets be honest. Women can't compete with it and women know it and men know it and men will try to sugar coat it so that they can have what they really want. Which is the way women act and look in porn. Not the real women in their lives who are there by their side trying to make them happy. Why even bother trying to make a guy happy. He will never be happy unless he can have porn too.

[Pink_Tulip]

I wish men cared more about women and what they thought but it becomes increasingly obvious that they don't.

 

JS- please don't let this one person whose views so obviously don't mesh with a huge majority of people affect how you see men. There are so many wonderful, caring, moral men out there. I am raising one myself. Oh ya, and married to one. All of us women have an obligation to raise our sons to NOT be lighteningrod, lol. Keep looking, you will find a good guy. Never settle.

[Woggle]

There are many women out there that can compete with porn and they are the ones who are not insecure about it. I am with one of those women. It's the same with vibrators. My fiance has a vibrator but I don't mind because I bring her something she can't get from a toy. Same thing with her and porn. Men don't look at porn to dominate women. They look at it to get off. It's why they have porns and nudie mags available and sperm banks so men can get aroused.

[LightningRod]

Well LR, glad you think this is no big deal. I disagree. Glad I am not your wife.

 

Never said that. I would never grab my wife by the hair and put a pillow over her face. Even if she punched me first. Abuse is serious business. There are no excuses for a man to physically or verbally harm a woman.

 

Believe me when I say I am not clueless. I see a lot more men on these boards supporting my position than yours.

 

Haven't quite figured out how your position is different then mine.

 

And obviously YOU are the clueless one if you think women are killed and raped over sex. Rape has nothing to do with sex.

 

Rape has nothing to with sex? Right! Basket Weaving that's it.

 

So find another way to support your theory about all men needing to dominate women, cuz that one has been proven to not be the case decades ago.

 

What was proven decades ago? Examples please. The proof to support my conclusion is call human history. Let's give some examples that prove my point. Christianity: Wives submit to your husband. Muslem: Burka Mormon: Polygamy Work place: Glass ceiling Entertainment: Porn

 

I just love how you keep saying all men think about is power, control and domination of women. I feel sorry for your wife, and I hope to god you aren't raising any daughters.

 

I love how you claim to know how men think. Why do you think your ex wanted to have videos of you having sex with him? You must be a blonde if you think he wasn't doing it to fullfill his desires. And guess what I am saying his desires are. Sex is power, control, and domination of women for men. For women sex is affection and pleasure too. Men don't have sex for all the same reasons that women do.

[LightningRod]

Men don't look at porn to dominate women. They look at it to get off.

 

Sure and those women aren't naked, exposed, vulnerable, in compromising positions, or doing things that are legal in public.

[LightningRod]

Self control???? Men don't deny themselves anything. You can have the relationship and on the side you can have the fantasy with the type of women you really want. I don't think men give a crap about women on this issue. you don't care how it effects women, all you care about is if you can have your cake and eat it too. If women seeked out men the way men in relationships still seek out women, men would be pissed. But it is a double standard that women have to put up with or try to come to terms with if they want any kind of relationship with a man. We have to be the ones that men *settle* for while they can play out any fantasy they desire. It is not easy. I wish men cared more about women and what they thought but it becomes increasingly obvious that they don't. So while your wife hits her next 35 birthday and your jacking off to 18 year olds, do you really wonder why women feel the way about porn they do? Lets be honest. Women can't compete with it and women know it and men know it and men will try to sugar coat it so that they can have what they really want. Which is the way women act and look in porn. Not the real women in their lives who are there by their side trying to make them happy. Why even bother trying to make a guy happy. He will never be happy unless he can have porn too.

 

Lots of what you are saying is true and men have a tendancy to be selfish. But you have to remember that sexual desire is something that guys can't turn off or remove. It is however stronger when men are young and fades somewhat as he gets older. Mid-life is harder because men like women begin to feel like they are past their prime about then. If your husband is 35 and jacking off to 18 year olds it might be because he is going though his own mid-life crisis. Often he has to share his wife with a busy career and/or a family and will loose most of the one-one attention that he had early on in life. Perhaps porn for him is an outlet because you don't bother, or make time for him. Perhaps he just wants to explore better sex before his sex drive starts to fizzle out.

 

My advice to you is to treat him the way you would want to be treated if you were in his position. It is not easy to do though because it is easier just to feel sorry for yourself and think about your own feelings.

 

If he were on this board I would give him the same advice. Women have needs too and it is our responsibility to make sure they feel loved and cared for.

[LightningRod]

Most apparantly diverrgant things don't exist on a plane or straight line. Politiics especially. Think of it as existing on the outskirts of a circle, or better yet a sphere.

 

There are points in time when ideas are farther apart from each other, but the cool thing to notice is that, when they get to extreme opposition, the sort of become the same thing.

 

-R-

 

And sometimes BS comes in many flavors.

[Jersey Shortie]

"Lots of what you are saying is true and men have a tendancy to be selfish."

 

 

Then men just plain suck and you shouldn't have relationships because you obviously can't be loyal in them because men just care about themselves.

 

 

"But you have to remember that sexual desire is something that guys can't turn off or remove."

 

Then don't. And don't get in a relationships with a woman if you can't control yourself and only want to make excuses for yourself.

 

 

"Often he has to share his wife with a busy career and/or a family and will loose most of the one-one attention that he had early on in life."

 

Well then men should make enough money to support her so that she doesn't have to work and can concentrate on the family and him. That is his fault if he can't be a good provider.

 

 

"Perhaps porn for him is an outlet because you don't bother, or make time for him."

 

I think that even when women make the effort, men still look at porn. So to me that says it doesn't matter either way. Try or not try, he is still going to look at porn. Why even try.

 

 

"Perhaps he just wants to explore better sex before his sex drive starts to fizzle out."

 

So now porn is better sex?????? Duh, no wonder women feel insecure about porn.

 

 

"My advice to you is to treat him the way you would want to be treated if you were in his position."

 

That works both ways. You can't expect someone to keep working hard at something doing as you suggest with not getting it in return. And you said it yourself, men are selfish. So if you feel frustrated with women or like they aren't giving you enough. Maybe you aren't giving her enough.

 

 

"It is not easy to do though because it is easier just to feel sorry for yourself and think about your own feelings."

 

Well, that is what men do after all. You made this very clear in almost all your posts. You just think it is okay for men to do but not women.

 

I think that if men have porn, I think it is okay for me to go out and get attention from other men. I think this balances out the scales. He can jerk off to porn. I can go get attention from other men. And at the end of the day be home together. This is how men are forcing women to make it.

[barsin]

Well then men should make enough money to support her so that she doesn't have to work and can concentrate on the family and him. That is his fault if he can't be a good provider.

 

Why are we so worried about porn when all women care about is money, so they can lay on their fat asses around the house and pretend to call it a job. What's lopsided here?

 

Sorry, hun, your vagina just isn't worth that much in this day and age. Blame feminism, not porn.

[ronnieromance]

And sometimes BS comes in many flavors.

 

 

Or some people are just too dumb to see things for what they are.

 

Anyway, that's neither here nor there, but I guarantee you'll find more and more models of things being represented in this way as opposed to the old idea of existing on a plain.

 

You don't still think the earth is flat, do you?

 

 

-R-

[LightningRod]

Or some people are just too dumb to see things for what they are.

 

Anyway, that's neither here nor there, but I guarantee you'll find more and more models of things being represented in this way as opposed to the old idea of existing on a plain.

 

You don't still think the earth is flat, do you?

 

 

-R-

 

Ahhh! You figured out what I have saying all along.

[LightningRod]

Why are we so worried about porn when all women care about is money, so they can lay on their fat asses around the house and pretend to call it a job. What's lopsided here?

 

Sorry, hun, your vagina just isn't worth that much in this day and age. Blame feminism, not porn.

 

Raising a family is the most important job bar none.

[LightningRod]

"Lots of what you are saying is true and men have a tendancy to be selfish."

 

 

Then men just plain suck and you shouldn't have relationships because you obviously can't be loyal in them because men just care about themselves.

 

 

"But you have to remember that sexual desire is something that guys can't turn off or remove."

 

Then don't. And don't get in a relationships with a woman if you can't control yourself and only want to make excuses for yourself.

 

 

"Often he has to share his wife with a busy career and/or a family and will loose most of the one-one attention that he had early on in life."

 

Well then men should make enough money to support her so that she doesn't have to work and can concentrate on the family and him. That is his fault if he can't be a good provider.

 

 

"Perhaps porn for him is an outlet because you don't bother, or make time for him."

 

I think that even when women make the effort, men still look at porn. So to me that says it doesn't matter either way. Try or not try, he is still going to look at porn. Why even try.

 

 

"Perhaps he just wants to explore better sex before his sex drive starts to fizzle out."

 

So now porn is better sex?????? Duh, no wonder women feel insecure about porn.

 

 

"My advice to you is to treat him the way you would want to be treated if you were in his position."

 

That works both ways. You can't expect someone to keep working hard at something doing as you suggest with not getting it in return. And you said it yourself, men are selfish. So if you feel frustrated with women or like they aren't giving you enough. Maybe you aren't giving her enough.

 

 

"It is not easy to do though because it is easier just to feel sorry for yourself and think about your own feelings."

 

Well, that is what men do after all. You made this very clear in almost all your posts. You just think it is okay for men to do but not women.

 

I think that if men have porn, I think it is okay for me to go out and get attention from other men. I think this balances out the scales. He can jerk off to porn. I can go get attention from other men. And at the end of the day be home together. This is how men are forcing women to make it.

 

Oh man why don't I get my violin out and play a sad song for you.

 

Women have many problems as well as men. You know that and I know that. Men and women have different problems, similar problems, and some that are the same. Women are selfish with some things and men with others. They are the same and yet they are different.

 

Maybe your husband jerks off to porn because of the way you treat him. Maybe your attitude is so miserable that he prefers his fantasy world with fantasy women. All your thread talks about is poor me, myself, and I.

[sunseed]

Sorry LR, I'm with Jersey Shortie on this one. I have found you to be generally fair and compassionate from your pro-porn standpoint, making you much more interesting to deal with than some others on this matter, so I look forward to your posts. But I don't see JS playing a sad song for herself. She's pointing out a double standard, as well as highlighting the hurt that checking out other women causes, as well as pointing out the FACT that between men and women, men tend unfortunately to believe that sexually, acting like teenage boys is an acceptable way to live while they're in a life commitment. I know you don't see it this way and that's fine. But I gotta go on record here and say that JS is right, even if you found her language abrasive: if you can't be faithful (including forgoing porn), you really shouldn't bother getting involved. There actually are men out there who prefer real women to this fantasy world (which no it isn't--porn models are real people doing real things; you are interacting with them sexually, just not in real time and they haven't specifically consented to doing it with or for individual porn viewers) and too many other men seem comfortable in turning a blind eye to this fact that could leave them lonely.

 

Guys: WE DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS FROM ANY OF YOU AND ARE UNDER NO OBLIGATION TO STICK AROUND IF WE DON'T LIKE SOMETHING.

 

Gals: WE DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS FROM ANY OF THEM AND ARE UNDER NO OBLIGATION TO STICK AROUND IF WE DON'T LIKE SOMETHING.

 

LR, IMO, it is a bit nasty to insult JS. I understand if you don't like her approach (though I personally see no problem with it) but it may help to try to discern her message to inform a response. Moreover, it's patently false that she could ever be held at fault for her SO's porn use. That's flat out silly. He is his own responsibility. A person's indulging in their desire to escape is their own fault. I'm sorry if this insults you personally, but psychologicaly, it's just plain old truth.

[blind_otter]

Rape has nothing to with sex? Right! Basket Weaving that's it.

 

Actually rape ISN'T about sex. It is about power. When you look into the eyes of a man who is raping you, you can see it. There's not a lust for sex, more like they get off on having someone helpless and having complete control over them at that moment. It is quite clear. I have been raped twice and I was very aware both times that it was not a sexual interlude.

[ronnieromance]

Ahhh! You figured out what I have saying all along.

 

 

I wasn't disagreeing with you in the first place. I was expanding on it. You just wanted to come off as a bit of a dick, so I called you on it.

 

I know exactly what you mean.

 

 

-R-

[Guest]

i am a porn addict.

i'm sad about it cos every single time i log off... i think to myslef "what a

disgrace" "of all the things... you're such a nice guy but this is where you've

fallen." "if all the people who think youre a nice guy got to know... it'd be

such a shame"

and then when i'm online... invariably i wanna just run one single search for

maybe a page full of photos. "only one page... that's all i'll look" but obviously

it goes beyond that. i've downloaded thousands of mb of movies... and

wasted so much of my dad's hard earmned money... he drives like one hour

to and one hour back from work and he earns for us. and i waste all that

money.

my mom is the sweetest lady in the whole wide world. my sister is the

greatest you can have. my girlfriend is the most adorable. my brothers are

great. and here i am... i feel like such a disgrace.

 

 

to your husband... listen buddy... it looks good. it might make you wonder

what it really would have been like when they were filming the video.

might make you think "oh what if... (fill in the blank)"

but you know something... theres a reality. all that is because we lame porno

watching guys dont reaslie we waste our money time and precious lives

watching and participating in the porn industry.

you know you could learn a foreign language... make new friends... spean

time with your wife playing checkers or just horsing around the house...

believe me... yeasr form now... when life finally makes you calm down and

think... you're gonna say to yourself... "i wish i hadnt" well it'll be too late.

you still have time... forget it... we make mistakes... but then we know that

we do and we shouldnt make them anymore. as i write i am downloading a

couple of videos and thats the sad real;ity. do you see how it's all so sad?

i sish i didnt... but it's one of the saddest things happening these days.

also... youre little children... they should grow uyp to be like the guys who

cli9mbed mount everest or the person who walked the moon... or won a

historic court battle... invented a cure.. saved someone's life...

comeon... think about those things... you still wanna surf porn? just leave...

you dont have to... if you think to your self how much you both love each

other... you'll never need porn. you just need to be aware that there's love.

it'll win over porn anytime!

[forsythe]

i'd replied to your thread. now i've joined too. you can write to me ..

[lilsweetie808]

With all due respect... who are you to decide if this is infidelity or not? Or the importance this issue holds for the OP? (I really don't mean that to sound as condecending as it does....) While you are absolutely entitled to your own opinions on this subject, I believe the question was "How can I make the pain and the feelings of betrayal go away?" not "is it cheating" or "am I over reacting?". She and her husband have already established what cheating was in their relationship... She expessed her distaste for pornography and he said he wasn't a fan anyhow.

What is considered cheating in one relationship may not be cheating in another... if there is one thing I've learned reading posts on LS, it is that!

Do I feel it's grounds for divorce? No. But maybe the larger issue for her is trust... I'm sure we can all agree that relationships are doomed without trust.

 

Dont feel bad I have been in the same situation for 2 years and he swore he would stop and I still find things. I feel so hurt and untrusting of him becuase you are right, Trust is the issue at hand. Its nice to know some other woman out there shares my feelings exactly. Much of the world is open to porn, but some of us arn't and its important for us to express our opinions as much as it is for them. Depending on your beliefs and values, porn as any othe subject can be controversial. But for you and I and our values, it is wrong in a relationship, its not even the action so much as it is the lies about the action. Lies tear a part relationships! I feel for you!!!

[forsythe]

I have recently discovered that my new husband has been continually logging on to an adult site. He has had a membership for over 3 years (longer than we have been together). He has been paying $30.00 per month for this membership. He claims that when we were more sexually active that he didn't log on as much but lately I have found that he was logging on about once a day. We have been together for a little over 3 years. When we fist started dating we had a discussion on porn and I told him exactly how much I hated it. I feel that if you are in a relationship with someone getting off to other women is chesting in a sence. He told me that he wasn't a fan of porn and that he felt it was not needed. I have been extremely busy the last month or so and maybe I haven't always been there for him sexually but this has been going on for a very long time. When I saw the link on our computer and asked him about it he told me it wasn't his. I knew that he was lying. He finally admitted that he had been online but that it was only a handful of times because I wasn't home and that he wasn't a member. I had a gut feeling he was lying so I checked the cookies on the computer and there were so many video clips. I told him what I had found and he came clean about the membership but told me that he only got on once a week or so. I still felt he was lying so I checked the history and found that his site had been accessed almost every day for the lasy month. He does it while I am at school or at work. Once he did it while the kids and I were home sleeping. I caught him in the living room at about 3:30 in the morning watching a DVD one of his friends gave him. I feel so cheated and betrayed. I really love him and want to work through this but it hurts so bad. I don't feel like I am good enough of that I satisfy him like his porn does. He told me that he would never do it again and that he didn't realize how badly it would hurt me. He canceled his membership in front of me and told me that he didn't want to lose our family. Should I believe him? I feel kind of bad because I am checking the computer daily and have installed a hidden keylogger so that I can see what sites he visits. Am I a horrible person? I told him if he does it again I will leave. I asked him if he might have an addiction and he assured me that it wasn't a problem. However, a drug addict doesn't usually see that they have a problem. I told him that if it were a problem I would stand by him and help him if he would get counseling. Is there anything else I should do? How can I make the pain and the feelings of betrayal go away? HELP!!!!

i am a porn addict.

i'm sad about it cos every single time i log off... i think to myslef "what a

disgrace" "of all the things... you're such a nice guy but this is where you've

fallen." "if all the people who think youre a nice guy got to know... it'd be

such a shame"

and then when i'm online... invariably i wanna just run one single search for

maybe a page full of photos. "only one page... that's all i'll look" but obviously

it goes beyond that. i've downloaded thousands of mb of movies... and

wasted so much of my dad's hard earmned money... he drives like one hour

to and one hour back from work and he earns for us. and i waste all that

money.

my mom is the sweetest lady in the whole wide world. my sister is the

greatest you can have. my girlfriend is the most adorable. my brothers are

great. and here i am... i feel like such a disgrace.

 

 

to your husband... listen buddy... it looks good. it might make you wonder

what it really would have been like when they were filming the video.

might make you think "oh what if... (fill in the blank)"

but you know something... theres a reality. all that is because we lame porno

watching guys dont reaslie we waste our money time and precious lives

watching and participating in the porn industry.

you know you could learn a foreign language... make new friends... spean

time with your wife playing checkers or just horsing around the house...

believe me... yeasr form now... when life finally makes you calm down and

think... you're gonna say to yourself... "i wish i hadnt" well it'll be too late.

you still have time... forget it... we make mistakes... but then we know that

we do and we shouldnt make them anymore. as i write i am downloading a

couple of videos and thats the sad real;ity. do you see how it's all so sad?

i sish i didnt... but it's one of the saddest things happening these days.

also... youre little children... they should grow uyp to be like the guys who

cli9mbed mount everest or the person who walked the moon... or won a

historic court battle... invented a cure.. saved someone's life...

comeon... think about those things... you still wanna surf porn? just leave...

you dont have to... if you think to your self how much you both love each

other... you'll never need porn. you just need to be aware that there's love.

it'll win over porn anytime!